Thursday, July 3, 2014

Cell Phones, Stoplights & Assholes

How many times have you found yourself stuck at a light in traffic?

Yeah, like you’re going to keep an accurate count of crap like that!
In today’s world, cell phones help us keep in touch.  But, they also hold us up.  Why?  Because not only to the competent have cell phones, but so do assholes!

In a world long passed, the only thing that could hold you up would be someone falling to sleep at the wheel.  (Well, either that or if they died.)  However, in today’s society, cell phones in the hands of assholes seem to be the major culprit in holding up traffic as the assholes are oblivious to the world around them.  How?  Here are just a few of the ways:
  1. Assholes using their cell phones to check emails and text other assholes.
  2. Assholes using their cell phones to check last night’s sports scores.
  3. Assholes using their cell phones to call the asshole they just left at home.
  4. Assholes using their cell phones to see who’s doing what on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other social network that assists them in becoming unsocial in real life.
  5. Assholes using their cell phones to find the latest music downloads so they’ll have something to listen to in 30 seconds when the light changes back to red.
  6. Assholes using their cell phones to beat some sense into the kids in the back seat that keep crying about wanting their own cellphones.
  7. Assholes using their cell phones to check the weather forecast in Panama so they’ll have something to talk about to the other assholes at work.
  8. Assholes using their cell phones to watch last night’s hit series episode so they don’t sound like the losers that talk about the weather in Panama at work.
  9.  Assholes using their cell phones to where the traffic accident delays are, usually caused by other assholes using their cell phones while driving.

… and so much more!
Still, these times provide you with ample opportunity to be creative!  No reason to bitch about those assholes anymore!  Instead, sit back and use these ideas to keep you productive and free of boredom.
1) Play “I shoot an Asshole” game!  It’s so easy to do, and you don’t even have to be a military veteran to share in the fun!  Look through the windows of the cars surrounding you and see who has their cell phones out.  Now, use your steering wheel to aim and start shooting by pressing you horn!   And, if you live in a college town or heavy drug pushing community, you’ll see your score skyrocket when you count all the phones in the hands of the pedestrian assholes!  Share your kill totals online with friends, have daily competitions, and even award the winner with a free cup of Starbucks flavor of the day coffee for assholes!
It's Fantasy Time!  Masturbate Away ...
Just Don't Get Caught!

2)  Masturbate.  This works especially if you drive a pick-up truck or a larger SUV that sits up higher than most of the other vehicles.  Spend the time waiting in full thrust enjoyment while others sit behind you and wonder what the hell you’re doing.  And, just to throw them off, every once in a while use your other hand to drum the top of the steering wheel so they believe you’re simply pretending to be the greatest air drummer in the world!

3)  Check out the volume of your stereo with an aria from Madame Butterfly.  Most cars have decent stereos these days.  So, instead of having yourself shaken to death by the asshole next to you that thinks a $10,000 superior bass system is necessary to rattle his $2000 car, put in an opera cd and crank it up to the max.  This should make them think twice about blasting away.  And, if you find one that wants to compete, don’t worry.  Their bass system is guaranteed to shake loose every screw in his cheap car within seconds, leaving him stranded at the light when it finally does change.  (*Note: If you are using music to cover up masturbation, do not use aria’s.  With the extremely slow music cadence, you’re liable to find yourself never reaching climax.)

4)  Clean your windows.  Instead of letting the homeless assholes spit on your windshield and wipe it with their dirty coat sleeves, keep a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Windex in your floorboard.  Then, when you come up on a red light, jump out of the car and quickly clean the bugs away!  And, if the homeless still come up to you, it’s easy to keep them away by aiming the bottle of Windex at them.  Lord knows it’s the one alcohol container they’ll have nothing to do with.
Sleep on, Sucker!  I'll Clean My Own Windows!

5)  Clean your pistols.  Most carjackers will be somewhat deterred if you are sitting in the seat cleaning guns.  There’s something about seeing a person taking proper care of their weaponry that makes thieves step back, look at their switchblades, and quickly seek out another victim.

6)  Fake out the out-of-towners.  Tired of being held down in speed because of gawking tourists that have never seen a building over three stories high?  Use the stoplight to your advantage!  Teach your kids to stare at them until they look back, and then have them motion to the rear of the tourists car like something is really wrong.  If they initially get no reaction, have them start pointing and going into panic mode.  This will usually get them to pull over to check out the supposed problem, allowing you to pass them and then slowing down in front of them to give them a taste of their own medicine!

7)  Use your sunroof as a stage opening.  Nothing like keeping the folks behind you entertained with a couple of action figures performing atop a roof.  Toy Transformers work well here as you can easily change characters light after light.  Have battles, create story lines … even have Transformer sex acts take place!  Use your imagination and have loads of fun!

The Latest In Scare The Shit
Out Of Nosy Drivers!!!
8)  Put on a Halloween mask and a ski cap.  When you’ve got gawkers staring at you, reach under your seat and pull out your old Halloween mask and ski cap.  Put it on slowly and carefully while looking at yourself in your rear view mirror.  Then, pull out your pistol and check the chamber.  Finally, turn slowly towards the gawkers.  Hopefully, they’re not undercover police looking for stoplight masturbaters!

9)  Raise and lower your electric windows … over and over.   Wanting to freak out the people next to you at the light?  Simply raise and lower your windows over and over and over.  When you combine this with #4 above, it makes for a really interesting result, as well as only exposing you to half the profanity screamed by the occupants of the other car.  Besides, everyone needs their exercise, right?

10)  Put your car in reverse and leave it there.  Want to scare the sh*t out of the people behind you?  Slip the car into reverse, so that the back up lights come on, and leave it there until the light changes.  Keeping your foot on the brake and slightly revving the engine helps to intensify the situation.  In fact, you can magnify this by acting like you’re about to drag race the person next to you!  All the while, the person behind you is wishing they’d held off on taking a laxative the night before!  

Yes, you can enjoy your stoplight time instead of being ridiculously bored. 
 Use your imagination … and don’t forget the Kleenex’s!




  1. I'm certainly familiar with a few of these ways to pass the time in traffic. sometimes when someone pisses me off I choose a mental weapon and envision using favorite is tossing grenades into sunroofs. Great blog..Glad you are BACK!

  2. Thanks, Stephanie! Yeah, I can't tell you the number of times I've envisioned having James Bond's Aston Martin from Goldfinger and shooting people ahead of me. lol Appreciate it!