Monday, June 24, 2013

Attack of the Killer Zombie Twinkies!!!!

If You See One Of These, Run Very Quickly!!!!

KILLER ZOMBIE TWINKIES 
FROM HOSTESS!!!



Who would have ever 
guessed it?

Months ago, when Hostess declared bankruptcy, many thought they'd never see their beloved Twinkies ever again.  Babies cried, grade schooler's went through lunchtime D.T.'s, potheads went "Wow, man!", and pregnant mothers screamed obscenities at helpless grocery clerks.  


The nation was in turmoil.

Gradually (as they only had a 45 day shelf life), except for those watching Woody Harrelson's quest in "Zombieland" reruns on Cinemax, Twinkies were all but forgotten.  It was a brighter day in the land as 50 pound bags of Oreo Cookies made a strong comeback, especially with the potheads! ("Wow, man!)




Yes!  Twinkies Will Be Coming Back Soon!!!!!
Then, the announcement was made that on July 15, 2013, Hostess, under new ownership, would again be bringing back  Twinkies!   Crowds roared in glee!  Fireworks filled the skies!  Redneck newlyweds even stopped making love to simply lie back and relish in the thoughts of Twinkies and the ecstasy they would bring!

Little did the public know that the governments of the world had formed a solitary world alliance government. Under the new Hostess owner name of Metropoulos & Co. & Apollo, their mad, but educated, scientists had developed a new type of Twinkies.  These Twinkies would carry a mind control drug (known as Blowurmind) that would create a world society of slaves.  Slaves that would work for minimum wage, live with four to five families in one apartment (or full size '77 Chevy van), and never complain about the government they served.  It was based upon the recent illegal immigrants of the United States ... a proven to work model.

As July 15th grew closer, the excitement escalated.  Thoughts of a spongy yellow cake filled with a thick, white, vanilla cream caused mouths to water endlessly and allowed the wiping of drool to become an accepted social grace.  Car payments were ignored and families stopped buying vegetables and toilet paper in order to ensure proper funding of the untold number of boxes of Twinkies they would soon be devouring.  


Anticipated Twinkie Riots Called For Extreme Security Measures!!
Grocery and convenience stores hired security companies to supply extra personnel to handle the imagined onslaught of customers expected for the release date.  Medical personnel prepared emergency rooms to handle the multitude of sugar overdose victims anticipated.  Even daycare facilities hired temporary help to guard the stashes of Twinkies they would hoard for their customers children.  Finally, all nations called out their National Guard troops to be on the alert!

On July 14th, every semi truck and trailer in the nations of the world arrived at the Twinkies distribution centers.  Pallets of these golden morsels were loaded continuously from sun-up to sundown.  By morning, every store in the world had storerooms crammed full and shelves fully stocked.  




The crowds didn’t disappoint.  One United States chain, Walmart, was overrun as thousands of customers grabbed armfuls of boxes and fought for a place in line at one of the two registers open.  Lines stretched around the inside of the store three times until people grew frustrated, rioted, and escaped the premises without paying.  It was a scene repeated the world over.
And then it happened.
Yes, Dummy, You Now Want To Run Very Quickly!!!
Didn't You See My Warning On The First Picture?

Blowurmind, not having been properly tested by the FDA, immediately started having a different reaction than expected.  Instead of simply being a mind control drug, people were being transformed into giant, man eating Zombie Twinkies!

Zombie Twinkies now roam the streets by the thousands, feasting upon those that had either procrastinated buying the boxes of golden treats, or were diabetics that couldn’t take the chance of eating them and going into a diabetic coma.  

It is reported that after attacking their victims with crab-like claws, the Zombie Twinkies  fed by soaking their victim's blood into the golden cake outside, and blending it into the green and gray mold already setting in from being exposed to the humidity outside the bag.  They have also been know to shoot their thick, white, vanilla cream into the nostrils of those that get too close, causing death by suffocation.  (Get your mind out of the gutter, geesh!  What are you ... a cheerleader?)

Some of us hid behind locked doors with our Little Debbie cakes, as our neighbors were being squished and saturated by Zombie Twinkies.  C-SPAN, with it’s never ending  camera shots of the United States Senate, showed continuous coverage of those politicians (that had agreed to the idea of mind control) becoming food for the Zombie Twinkies.  One could tell that digesting politicians didn’t agree with the intestinal system of the Zombie Twinkies, though, as many were immediately regurgitated.  We guessed politicians were as hard for the Zombie Twinkies to stomach as they are for us.
Mommy, I'm Scared Of ZombieTwinkies!

So now, three days after the initial release of the new Twinkies, the survivors of the world's nations still hide.  Yes, we fearfully slink in the shadows of our own homes.  Our windows are boarded up and doors barricaded, sealed shut tightly by the caramel insides of Snickers bars.  


It is our only hope.

There have been many attempts to stop the giant Zombie Twinkies, but none have yet proven to be effective.  Bullets are useless on the Zombie Twinkies as the thick, white, vanilla cream quickly hardens and fills up the holes.  Torches of fire are extinguished by this same white cream.  Explosives only scatter their remains that each then grow into full size monsters.  And, those that have successfully attacked the beasts with sledgehammers and axes have found the cream and cake spattered leftovers to be far too tempting to resist, and have quickly been transformed into Killer Zombie Twinkies themselves after tasting.

It is whispered that the few remaining scientists of the world are working on a cure by developing a natural enemy to the Twinkies.  Although no one alive has ever seen a giant chocolate Ding Dong, it is our only hope.

Until that time (if ever) when all is back to normal...


Anyone have an Oreo and a glass of milk handy?

***To the makers and owner of Twinkies.  This has only been written in jest.  
If you can't take a joke, then go back and develop something that won't make 
a joke of every diet known to man.  Twinkies are know to have no nutritional 
value and are filled with unnecessary calories.  Pay your workers what they 
deserve, cut back on upper management salaries, and develop a treat you 
can be proud of that's healthy for people to eat.  Thank you!

20 comments:

  1. OMG, OMG, what can I do to save myself? *Sob* I don't want to be a Twinkie dinner. Quick, someone get me a pizza!

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    1. Suzanne - Please, Please, stop the tears! You've got to get hold of yourself! (I'd do the classic movie slap thing, but in this day and age I'd end up being sued.) Pizza Hut is doing their Any Large Pizza for $10 promo again! Perhaps, a super cheese might be applicable to this post! lol Good to meet you! Many Thanks!

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  2. OMG... too funny... but if it is my time to go then it is my time to go...

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    1. Stacy, Stacy... You give up way too easily! Warn your friends and be aware of the dangers ahead! The one weakness to a cake outside must be water, as any Twinkie I've ever seen trying to swim quickly grew soggy and sunk to the bottom. Perhaps Terrye and family could assist with a boat at the lake to protect you for a while! Just be on the lookout for a canoe filled with Twinkies roaming the lake! Glad you enjoyed! Many Thanks!

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  3. You are so weird. But that was funny. And I don't get the nonsense about the Twinkie. I want to scream- who the F cares?! And I'm still not getting the zombie craze either. But one question - if they turn into Twinkie zombies, do they poop out the white cream?

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    1. Julie - Your compliments are well taken! lol The Twinkies hype is crazy. Before they were cut off, I honestly can't tell you how long it had been since I had one. Zombie craze is here, but I've resisted it. This was kind of taking both hypes to bring about a satirical look at the insanity both have bred. Now, for your question's answer: Since the victim's blood is being absorbed into the system, and ends up being blended into the green and gray mold, my guess is that the waste product is oozed out as green or gray fuzz, similiar to that found in belly buttons. (Just out of curiosity, when was the last time any of us cleaned out their belly button? Please, don't answer that.) lol This is getting way too technical. Where's my technical advisor, anyway? Stacy!!!!!!!!

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    2. I'm with Julie, I don't get the zombie craze either. I like the pooping out of the white cream though. LOLOL!

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    3. SSSSSTTTTTAAAAAACCCCCCCYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

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  4. Good think I know how to use knives from culinary school to protect myself from the zombie twinkies!! (P.S., I think you should write a short story about zombie twinkies; that'll be hilarious!)

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    1. Keith - Good of you to visit, sir! Ahh, be wary, these Twinkies are of the six to seven foot tall variety and have crab like claws! Glad you enjoyed this one! Btw ... how's the medication working out? Got any extra? lol Many Thanks!

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  5. Very funny! How did you even think of this?! :)

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    1. Kate - Really good to meet you! I'm pleased you enjoyed this little piece. In answering your question, let's say that I saw a news article about the re-release of Twinkies and knew I had to take it to the extreme. (As most that follow me will attest I do way too often, lol) I decided to make it a satiracal drama / horror bit for effect ... and it seemed to work! In other words, I started writing and let it take me along for the ride! :) Thanks for stopping in!

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  6. You are hilarious! I loved the picture of the terrified little girl. And I loved your disclaimer at the end. I think all posts should end with a disclaimer.

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    1. Stephanie - So nice to see you again! I'm happy you liked this one. The image of the little girl just seemed to fit the storyline. It was either that or a stick man running! lol The disclaimer is just a tool to show I respect everyone's products ... even those with no purpose other than to make people fat, provide diabetes drug manufacturers and income, and provide a minimum wage pay to those that manufacture it. In other words, even scum have their day. :) I used to start some of my posts with a disclaimer, until I learned that people just wanted the smut instead of the news. lol Thanks for stopping in. Greatly Appreciated!

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  7. Ok....so you WON'T be celebrating with a FYOT (Fry Your Own Twinkie) party? Disappointing. :) I dunno why everyone said yer weird. You sound perfectly normal to me. :D

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    1. Terrye - So glad to see you come by! I've actually seen fried Twinkies on television before. What do you say we fill the Grand Canyon with bacon grease, heat it with thousands of flame throwers, and draw all the Killer Zombie Twinkies there to feed the starving children of the world! (It would be better than having to eat everything on your plate at times when you were a kid, wouldn't it?) We could even get the guy that just walked across it on a cable to grab the ones sizzling in the middle of the canyon and bring them to the serving area! Then, we could all party together in our diabetic shock stupor! :) Yeah, I wondered about a few of the comments, but then again, everything is relative ... er... maybe in the South that's everyone is a relative. Many Thanks!

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  8. I remember that Twinkie commercial! That second kid always irritated the CRAP out of me. Zombie Twinkies. Ha!

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    1. Kate - Thanks for stopping in! That kid was annoying, for sure. I think the one commercial kid that always drove me crazy was in a baking commercial ... maybe Martha White flour or something like it. After the baked good was presented, the kid used to look up, and in an obviously fake accent, said, "And I helped (helped being a four syllable word). I always wanted to introduce her to the witch in Hansel and Gretel. lol Glad you enjoyed! Many Thanks!

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  9. I am now afraid of Twinkees. Thank you so much. I also fear you just made their stock plummet and they will now be facing bankruptcy yet again.

    You live dangerously, my friend, very dangerously.

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    1. Kerri - Alas, my friend, I feel as though I've done nothing but assist in the advertising campaign for their July 15th release, which is create an escalation of stock value! We'll have to wait to see how the stocks actually do to know the truth! :) As we learned long ago in stand-up, just about any type of publicity is good publicity. Shed your fears and enjoy ... but when you become a Killer Zombie Twinkie ... just remember the warning I provided! lol Many Thanks!

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