Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Gabriela Speaks .... Again!

Hey Ladies!   It's Me, Gabriela!
Can we talk?

Okay, Rich is tired and worn out.  He's worked seven days straight and still has one to go before he gets a day off!  

At least, that's what he's telling me to say.  Actually, he's watching a basketball game.  Yeah, he's an ass at times!  Whenever college basketball season comes around, Faletame tells me Rich forgets about everything else and cements his big butt in front of his 50" television.  

I've never actually written a blog before.  Oh, I had that "Demon Cat" series that Rich has attached to his blog above, but that's in the past.  Besides, I might have pulled his leg a little on that one.  Tee hee hee!   Rich is so damn gullible at times!

So, I'm here ... and I know that most of you write "Mommy Blogs!"  Well guess what?  

I'm a mommy!!!!

So, I'm gonna fit right in here.  And Janine, you've got nothing on me, girl.  You want to complain all the time about not being able to crap in peace with only two young ones.  Hell, I had six of them clinging to my nipples at one time!   You want to talk about trying to take a crap in peace!  Girl, only having two of them young furry pests hanging around would have been a dream!

And ladies, I didn't even have a man around to help me!  No, he got his jollies off and then left!  No good bastard!   Left me before I'd even had a chance to enjoy it!   At least, I think he was the one.  When we cats go into heat, who keeps track!   It's what we like to call a real "block party!"  You all should try it some time!

But, there I was.  Before you knew it, I was bloated up like a dead armadillo in the middle of the road.  I waddled around the neighborhood, trying to find someone to take pity on me and give me a place to live.  Damn humans, sometimes they're so superstitious about black cats anyway!  Racist pigs!

Well, I found this old woodshed behind a house and set up housekeeping.  I could grab a mouse every now and then, but water was a little hard to come by.  No, I didn't get to enjoy all the pickles and ice cream and bananas and peanut butter you guys stuffed yourself on during your pregnancy periods!   I was lucky to find a mouse that hadn't eaten half a box of D-Con!  Girls, you don't know what rough is!

One morning, out they came!  

Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop!   

Yep, half a dozen ... one after the other.  Just imagine giving birth to six at once!   And you think you were sore!  It was like someone had given me a 64 oz. Big Gulp douche with matso balls!  

I rested about two hours, and then I had to find something to eat.  I was famished!  I finally found a garbage can with some halfway decent spaghetti and meatballs in one of them white containers I see you humans carry food in.  

I knew I had to get back immediately to the shed.  I'd set up a bed on some old rags, but I knew the kittens would be scooting around.  And they had!  I had to pick two of them up and set them down with the rest, and then make sure I didn't lay on them as I tried to keep them warm.

The next day, this young girl opened the door of the shed and found me in a very precarious position.  They had all just started feeding time, so none of them was even thinking about letting go.  I couldn't do anything but lay there and hope that she didn't decide to hurt any of us.  

Surprisingly, she left, but came back a few minutes later with a big box.  I'd heard stories about cats being either bagged up or boxed up and tossed in the river, but I just couldn't leave my kids alone.  One by one, she gently picked them up and set them in the box.  Finally, she grabbed me and put me in there, too!  

Would you believe there was a real blanket in the bottom for us all to rest on?   

The next thing I know the lid's on and we're all being carried somewhere.  When she opened it up, I hopped out to find a fenced in patio awaiting all of us.   It wasn't God's country, and was kind of cold at times, but it was better than the woodshed in that she supplied me with water and food most of the time.   

Well, the weeks went on and on, and that patio began to seem like a prison.  Besides that, my six kids were growing so fast!   Always underfoot, always wanting to eat (Breast feeding sucks ... literally!), always wanting something.  God!  If I could’ve just had some peace and quiet.  

Then, one day, my prison keeper puts me in a box and takes me in her car to this real house of horrors.

Damn bitch had my tubes tied!   I had four feet walking pigeon toed!

So, the next day I get back to the house, and half my kids are gone!   Not only am I sore as hell from the operation, but my kids are missing.  Where the hell are my kids???    

Before I can figure it out, the doorbell rings and here comes a couple looking at the remaining three!  They took two of them!  Didn't matter what I said or thought, she just picked them right up and gave them to the couple!   

You might say I was somewhat pissed!

Rich, just tell her I've got a headache!
Just had to get me fixed, didn't you!!!???
The next day found another person coming and taking my remaining kitten.   Still sore, my kids all taken by Child Services and put into foster homes, and I'm stuck on this damn fenced in patio!   Boy, my life had sure gone to Hell in a hand basket!   

So, I'm a little depressed, you might say, and that's when Rich and his wife showed up.  Well, they both seemed nice enough, but I sure wasn't in the mood to be talked to or petted.  In fact, I was pretty damn fed up with life!

Next thing you know, I'm getting put into some sort of cage and taken to their house.  First damn thing I see is this good lookin' male cat named Faletame.   But, this guy's also been to the house of horrors and so he can't do anything even if I wanted him to!   Just what I wanted ... a life of abstinence.  

At least y’all get some when the kids go to bed!   

Anyway, that's my story.  I don’t imagine Rich will let me write here again.  This will probably be the only “Mommy Blog” you’ll see on his site.  Oh, he can be a real Mother _____ at times, but he’s no “mommy”, that’s for sure.  

It’s been real.  You all take care, and when you think you’ve had it bad, just think about me, living with a eunuch that thinks he’s a stud, and a couple of humans that are helping me to get fat!

By the way, how is that ice cream with pickles, anyway?

©Copyright RCRUMPLE2013. All Rights Reserved


  1. I have a feeling that all Rich did was stick his hand up yer behind and type so he could "say" the cat wrote this. Sick b@stard...

    1. Terrye - Thanks loads! For months, Gabriela's been calm. Now, after that comment, the Demon Cat has returned! Her eyes are flaming and the smoke is coming out of her nostrils again! I knew no good would come out of letting her write this! : ) Many Thanks!

    2. Maybe you could talk her into blogging while you're at work and then you could have 2 passive incomes. :D

  2. Lol, I never did have cravings like that, but I here Ice Cream with pickles is just delicious when pregnant. Oh wait you have ben fixed, so I guess you can still try it out pregnant or not. Probably won't be the same!! Sorry, I couldn't resist and Rich damn you seriously need help, lol :) This was too funny and please let her write her again. You could probably enter the Circle of Moms with this stuff, because this funnier than three nipples for sure!! Seriously great post and definitely a wonderful way to wake up on a Wednesday morning :)

    1. Janine - Don't worry about Rich, he's at work! I know he tries to slip in a look every now and then, but for now, I'm in charge (especially since that fat ass Faletame is sleeping). Girl, I gotta try some ice cream. Rich never eats it, but his wife inhales the stuff. And damn, she licks the bowl cleaner than I could! Remember, six nipples. I've got a couple of extras, but what the hell, a girl's gotta show what's she's got! Right? Take care!

  3. Right, I have to learnt to stop drinking something when I'm reading your posts! LOL!! I'm liking Gabriela more and more. I hope she writes some more. You can tell her she's got fans. Maybe she'll even become famous?! Awesome post, Rich...thanks for the laughs at the end of this Wednesday. :)

    1. Melanie - This is Gabriela. Girl, you keep reading the crap Rich writes and you're gonna have to start drinking the hard stuff! I love that you're my fan! And I gotta say I appreciate what you're doing for all the stray animals in South Africa. But damn girl, do you just like dogs!?!?!? All I see are pictures and pictures of more and more dogs! How about showing a nice Tom cat that hasn't been to the vet's planned parenthood program, yet! Lord, you don't know how I miss it! Take care!

  4. Cyndi Calhoun - (For some reason your comment didn't show up. I'm copying and pasting it here)
    Hahaha. You make me laugh! Gabriela is a real character and so much fodder for stories! I hope work is going well. I re-joined the regular work-world on a part-time basis. I'm going for broke on the photography/art/writing front. :D

    1. Cyndi - I'm glad I was here to do that. I don't know if Rich even knows how! Me, a character? Darling, you just don't know the crap I've done in my lives (yes, plural). Rich is still working, but he'll be off tomorrow. I'll tell him about your status dear. Btw, I love your photos too!

  5. Man - this really makes me glad that I am not a cat... and just think, I was watching a movie the other day where the cats were singing... "EVERYBODY wants to be a cat!" I think you should write to those cats and tell them how wrong they are!
    Super cute! I think you might even be able to get into those funny mom blogs with this one! :)

    1. Stacy - Rich is still at work, so I'm answering for him. Darling, you wouldn't believe what being a cat is like! The things I have to lick to get them clean, that smelly old flea drip that Rich uses on me, and every night, he teases me endlessly before putting my Little Friskies in my dish! I swear, if I knew I could get fed as well elsewhere, sometimes I'd just up and run out the door. But, I have to say, I do like my food! So, here I stay! Take care!

  6. Wow that Gabriela is one good blogger...loved hearing about her story of becoming a mommy cat. Hilarious! Tell Gabriela thanks for filling in for you...she sure has a lot to say. Maybe she should start her own separate blog?! :)

    1. Emily - I'm so glad you enjoy my blogging. Perhaps, with enough support, we can overwhelm Rich into letting me blog all the time (although I'm gonna need to chew on my claws for a while to get them back to normal as those damn plastic keys dull them beyond belief!) If I had my own blog, well, you might be surprised what I'd have to say about things. Rich would be too, that's for sure! Take care!

  7. That's pretty darn clever Rich! Ha!

    Reminds me of when I was pregnant with one of the girls and Dave told me he was going to throw a towel in the laundry area for when I went into labor. Pffft! Talk about an ass:) lol

    1. Kelly - Good to see you! Gabriela's had her Little Friskies and is sleeping now, so I'm taking back the comments responsibilities! lol Glad you liked this one! I'm curious ... did Dave at least get you a blanket instead? : ) Many thanks!

  8. lol...You never fail to surprise me with your humor, Richard.

    Maybe your cat should blogging too now and should enter the
    You could write a hub on how to read her expressions that makes you write on her behalf...easier for all with pets to help translate them and earn a few pennies ;)

    1. Ruchira - Gabriela is getting a big head after the response of her first blog. She now considers herself the Jacqueline Suzanne of cat writers, willing to tell all and know no boundaries. I believe we've created another monster. Yet, as you suggest, if it will help her earn her keep, I'm almost willing to let her at it! Glad you enjoyed!

  9. holy smoke... the infinite regression begins!

    Melanie's Post today had a very good 'misdirection' lead-in in the topic of (her) loving to play 'the Sims', which naturally made me think of Chris Gaines (Garth Brooks) and then I got 'here' at 'Life ...Sometimes' only to see you write a Post 'ex Cat-hedra' ...dude! lol

    In any event, I suggested that maybe we should do something like re-create our personas and see if we can recognize each other (in the blogosphere), but then I realized that only clarks would find the appeal in this idea.... scotts and rogers, not so much.
    But it do make you think, how real are any of us?
    lol (yes and it is 6:00am!)

    1. Clark - Good to see you, my friend! Creating a viable persona that can hold the attention of the reader is a task for any writer, as you well know. To create reality from fantasy and make it believable is what we all strive to do. This was just a little side trip into my specialty realm of creative writing that I felt necessary to embark upon. Let's say, it helps me to feel as though I'm a writer instead of a newscaster. lol (Although much of today's news seems to follow along these same lines!) I do like the idea you present. It could be extremely entertaining, as well as interesting to see if recognition of identity could be made by simply observing the style one seems to find comfortable. Hmmmmmm! Now, you've got me thinking again! Many thanks!