Saturday Noise ... "Why Lord, Why?"

I am finding things very distasteful today.  It is one of those days that everything bothers you.  Thank goodness I am not a violent man by nature.

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The telephone has not stopped ringing.  Why can't telemarketers understand that the Federal "Do Not Calls" list means you don't call?  Instead, the accented voices express surprise when told that this number is on the list.  I wish I had their number so I could call them back when they're sleeping.  

I wonder, do foreign countries hire U.S. citizens to call their phone lists?  If so, do foreign telephone users hate our accent as much as we tend to hate theirs?

One of the callers said, "Mr. Ru..., Mr. Rum....., Mr. Rump....,(never getting my name fully out) Sir, my name is Sahib.  I work for the Asso....., Assoc....., Associ... (again, never getting the name out totally).  You have an account with us, yes?

Wonderfully involved I said, "Why no I don't.  I co-signed for my daughter to help build her credit, why?"

"We'd like you to consoli...., consoli...., consolidate your debts into one loan from us."

I really don't like telemarketers.  I really don't like those that don't know what to say.  

So, I responded, "Sahib, listen to me.  You obviously don't know your script.  What I want you to do is to take that 3X5 card into the bathroom, sit there, and go over it until you can say it by heart.  When you get it down, I want you to call me back so I can grade you on your delivery.  Will you do that for me?" 

He confirmed that he would.  I still haven't heard from him.  I've found, acting like you know more about their job than they do puts fear in their hearts.  It works with restaurants, also.  Tell the waitress you're writing a review that will be web based with an audience of millions and you'll receive great treatment, especially after you write her name down in front of her.  Mean, but what the hell, today you gotta do something for fun.

Getting back to the miserable day, oh yes.

My neighbor has a rat dog.  I don't know the breed.  It looks like a dachshund and a chihuahua had passionate and brutal sex.  This mutt is the result.  Please, never let your dachshund and chihuahua mate.  I guarantee you won't be happy,.

The neighbors let the dog out 7 times a day.  I've never known a dog with such a need to take a leak.  I've also never known such an annoying style of bark.  "Yap, Yap, Yap" is all it does.  Kind of a half bark.  I question if the dog has been fixed and the vocal chords shortened up when the testicles were pulled before being snipped.  

I guess I should feel sorry for it, but I can't, simply because it's such a pain to listen to. I have wondered if I were to grab its tongue in mid "Yap" if I could stretch it out into a real bark.  Perhaps, I would just elongate the "Yap" into a "Yaaaaaaaaaaap."  A "Yap" by any other sound is still a "Yap."   

My neighbors down the street are Hispanic, which is no big deal.  They seem like real good people.  We never talk, but only a couple of us on the street actually communicate.  When they invite me down for some authentic Hispanic food, we will find someway to communicate.  Perhaps, if they move in the near future, a couple that runs an certain type of restaurant will move in.  Perhaps my neighbor's "Yap" dog would come up missing.  Shame on me for wishing.  That doesn't happen anymore, does it?

My Hispanic neighbors love fireworks.  I don't know why, but at every opportunity they are in the middle of the street setting off firecrackers and fireworks.  They have done so this evening.

Telemarketers, yapping dog, fireworks, all in one day do not a Happy Rich make.  It did, however, give me an idea.  

Right before the 4th of July, I had purchased some firecrackers.  Easily locating them, I took a couple out to the backyard, right next to the fence enclosing the yapping dog.  As the weird mutation came closer yapping loudly, I lit a couple of firecrackers and dropped them by the fence.

Guess what stopped yapping and started yipping?

With that matter temporarily solved, I went back inside to once again find my telephone ringing.  I picked up the receiver and guess what?  Yep, another telemarketer.

How could I be so lucky?

I answered yes to my name and then set the receiver down.  I lit a firecracker and set it close to the mouthpiece.  I covered my ears and chased the cats out of the room.  

"Bang!"  (That's my version of a firecracker exploding.  If you can do better, more power to you.)

I then started moaning "Help me, I've just been shot!"  Holding in my laughter, I picked up the receiver and listened to a steady dial tone.   Somewhere, there's a telemarketer looking for an earpiece to go on an opposite ear.   I can see him going around the call center asking everyone if they have one, and having to say, "Huh?" when they respond.

The Hispanics have stopped their fireworks.  I guess they heard my firecrackers and thought they were being shot at.  Better turn off the lights in case they called the cops.

The dog is quiet, my phone silent, and all fireworks have subsided.   So, here I sit, in the glow of my computer monitor, in silence.  

Life is good!