Saturday, October 6, 2012

Saturday Noise ... "Why Lord, Why?"

I am finding things very distasteful today.  It is one of those days that everything bothers you.  Thank goodness I am not a violent man by nature.

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The telephone has not stopped ringing.  Why can't telemarketers understand that the Federal "Do Not Calls" list means you don't call?  Instead, the accented voices express surprise when told that this number is on the list.  I wish I had their number so I could call them back when they're sleeping.  

I wonder, do foreign countries hire U.S. citizens to call their phone lists?  If so, do foreign telephone users hate our accent as much as we tend to hate theirs?

One of the callers said, "Mr. Ru..., Mr. Rum....., Mr. Rump....,(never getting my name fully out) Sir, my name is Sahib.  I work for the Asso....., Assoc....., Associ... (again, never getting the name out totally).  You have an account with us, yes?

Wonderfully involved I said, "Why no I don't.  I co-signed for my daughter to help build her credit, why?"

"We'd like you to consoli...., consoli...., consolidate your debts into one loan from us."

I really don't like telemarketers.  I really don't like those that don't know what to say.  

So, I responded, "Sahib, listen to me.  You obviously don't know your script.  What I want you to do is to take that 3X5 card into the bathroom, sit there, and go over it until you can say it by heart.  When you get it down, I want you to call me back so I can grade you on your delivery.  Will you do that for me?" 

He confirmed that he would.  I still haven't heard from him.  I've found, acting like you know more about their job than they do puts fear in their hearts.  It works with restaurants, also.  Tell the waitress you're writing a review that will be web based with an audience of millions and you'll receive great treatment, especially after you write her name down in front of her.  Mean, but what the hell, today you gotta do something for fun.

Getting back to the miserable day, oh yes.

My neighbor has a rat dog.  I don't know the breed.  It looks like a dachshund and a chihuahua had passionate and brutal sex.  This mutt is the result.  Please, never let your dachshund and chihuahua mate.  I guarantee you won't be happy,.

The neighbors let the dog out 7 times a day.  I've never known a dog with such a need to take a leak.  I've also never known such an annoying style of bark.  "Yap, Yap, Yap" is all it does.  Kind of a half bark.  I question if the dog has been fixed and the vocal chords shortened up when the testicles were pulled before being snipped.  

I guess I should feel sorry for it, but I can't, simply because it's such a pain to listen to. I have wondered if I were to grab its tongue in mid "Yap" if I could stretch it out into a real bark.  Perhaps, I would just elongate the "Yap" into a "Yaaaaaaaaaaap."  A "Yap" by any other sound is still a "Yap."   

My neighbors down the street are Hispanic, which is no big deal.  They seem like real good people.  We never talk, but only a couple of us on the street actually communicate.  When they invite me down for some authentic Hispanic food, we will find someway to communicate.  Perhaps, if they move in the near future, a couple that runs an certain type of restaurant will move in.  Perhaps my neighbor's "Yap" dog would come up missing.  Shame on me for wishing.  That doesn't happen anymore, does it?

My Hispanic neighbors love fireworks.  I don't know why, but at every opportunity they are in the middle of the street setting off firecrackers and fireworks.  They have done so this evening.

Telemarketers, yapping dog, fireworks, all in one day do not a Happy Rich make.  It did, however, give me an idea.  

Right before the 4th of July, I had purchased some firecrackers.  Easily locating them, I took a couple out to the backyard, right next to the fence enclosing the yapping dog.  As the weird mutation came closer yapping loudly, I lit a couple of firecrackers and dropped them by the fence.

Guess what stopped yapping and started yipping?

With that matter temporarily solved, I went back inside to once again find my telephone ringing.  I picked up the receiver and guess what?  Yep, another telemarketer.

How could I be so lucky?

I answered yes to my name and then set the receiver down.  I lit a firecracker and set it close to the mouthpiece.  I covered my ears and chased the cats out of the room.  

"Bang!"  (That's my version of a firecracker exploding.  If you can do better, more power to you.)

I then started moaning "Help me, I've just been shot!"  Holding in my laughter, I picked up the receiver and listened to a steady dial tone.   Somewhere, there's a telemarketer looking for an earpiece to go on an opposite ear.   I can see him going around the call center asking everyone if they have one, and having to say, "Huh?" when they respond.

The Hispanics have stopped their fireworks.  I guess they heard my firecrackers and thought they were being shot at.  Better turn off the lights in case they called the cops.

The dog is quiet, my phone silent, and all fireworks have subsided.   So, here I sit, in the glow of my computer monitor, in silence.  

Life is good!


  1. Omg, Richard you left me in tears on this one. Seriously I am surprised my fits of laughter didn't wake up my now sleeping kids. Awesome job here on your blog and can totally relate to the telemarketers. You truly are my hero for how you did handle them, lol!!

    1. Janine - Glad you liked this. One must do what one must do. Well, at least that sounds good. Much appreciated.

  2. This is a great story and a funny one at that. Thanks so much for sharing. I wonder if he is still practicing his script? :)

    1. Marisa - Glad to see you here! Thanks for the kind words. My bet is he's fired, or has already quit from frustration. lol Many Thanks!

  3. RC, so...what yer saying is that yer that grumpy old fart that all the kids tell stories about and like to throw a baseball into your back yard and dare each other to go fetch. Gotcha. I always wanted to know what made one of those guys tick. Now I know....a heart of coal.

  4. Now TT, y'all know better than that. Why, I haven't chased a youngin' in ages. I just let my Demon Cat out in the back yard and the kids see the flames comin' from her nostrils and run home fast as they can! Actually, all the kids kind of give the neighborhood a friendly feeling. I just get fed up with a dog that can't be quiet for one second and telemarketers. I don't even really mind the fireworks down the street. Keep the mosquitoes away! : )

  5. You had me laughing all the way! How did you get to be so funny??

  6. Audrey, I really appreciate the compliment. I think it started as a chld, and continued through adulthood, but it could be the other way around. I just let my mind go and before you know, it's flushed itself on the screen. No excess water weight gain at all. : ) Thanks so much!

  7. Respect to you Richard! LOL!! I feel your pain on the telemarketers. We get them every day, at least one or two that call. Mostly I just ignore it. Today one called and I answered. "Private Number" as always. It was scripted from a mobile company. I said no thanks, I'm happy with my contract. "Yes, Ma'am but I'm not trying to sell you a contract...." I just interrupted her, told her I don't want to waste her time or mine and I'm actually quite busy so please just remove my name from the list and don't call me again. Freaks me out no end when you tell someone no with a thanks no less, and they carry on. Like you have all day to sit there listening to them! It's a crap job, but it's also a decision to have it. And those that phone on the weekend and while you're sitting down to supper are the worst!

  8. Melanie, Couldn't agree more. You know they're continuing because most of the time they only get paid commissions on appts. set or whatever. Yet, they have to understand the meaning of "Goodbye." My wife doesn't stand for them at all. As soon as she hears a sales pitch starting, she just hangs up. Rude, but extremely effective! Many Thanks!

  9. haha...with the telemarketing jobs going to India. I too can't help but laugh at their unprofessional ism.

    hilarious read, Richard.

  10. Ruchira - So good to see you smile. This guy was bad all the way around. I can handle most accents, having traveled in many countries, and I love all cultures, but this guy was bad. lol He had no idea what to say or how to say it. Sooooooo, I imagine he's washing cars now. Thanks so for coming by!