Deja Vu: It's "Finish the Sentence Friday" again! Happy, Happy!

My pride and joy captured.  Five feet in length
and an attitude that wouldn't quit!

I'm bouncing for joy!

It's my favorite time of the week.  Finish the Sentence Friday has returned for an encore!

(Kind of like the slasher movies of the 80's.)

This week, the SM's   (Sentence Masters) Janine of Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic   http://www.janinehuldie.com/ and Kate of Can I Get Another Glass of Whine  http://www.canigetanotherbottleofwhine.com/ have set us up with another winner sentence to finish!

(Yawn!)

This week, it's: 

  "“The last time I went on vacation, I…”

So now, the task must be undertaken.  Pure excitement at every turn follows.  Fail not to see the drama, the intensity, the humor, the ...... , well, since you can't hear my voice the hype doesn't matter.  Anyway, here goes the answer.

"The last time I went on vacation, I captured four Western Diamondback rattlesnakes and four Green Mojave rattlesnakes, and nearly fell asleep at the wheel driving them back."

Do you want more?  If so continue.  If not, simply go down to the comments area and cut and paste the words, "Gee, I can't believe you did that.  Whatta trip!  You're the bravest person I know!"  and be done with it.  However, if you want more, and believe yourself to be a true glutton of punishment, here it is.

Spider Rock in the Canyon de Chelly
(looking down from canyon rim)

In 2001 (I know it was a long time ago, but I don't get vacations often, damn it!), I was going to be part of a group from a local reptile zoo to go to Arizona and hunt the Green Mojave Rattlesnake.  No, we weren't going to kill them!  We were going to bring them back for venom extractions.  

Okay, short answer to your question ... the Green Mojave is mostly a neurotoxic venom rattler, more so than any other rattlesnake in the U.S., as most of them are hemotoxic.  Since the venom was needed for research against Alzheimer's disease, and since that was a primary purpose of the reptile zoo, it only made sense we go find some.

Long story short ... director of zoo gets bitten by cobra prior to trip and all drop out except me.  

So, I jump in my RAV4 (at the time) and head to Arizona by myself.  I'd met a guy on the web from a herp society in the state, and was to meet him in Sierra Vista.  

I made it as far as Shamrock, Texas by the end of the first day, was warned against eating Texas burritos at a Truck Stop, did so anyway, and slept on a full stomach.   I arose early the next morning, showered, and hit the road.

An hour later, the burrito warnings held true.  Let me just say that there are not enough stalls in the very few rest stops along I-40 in Texas.  Sitting tall in the saddle now has new meaning.

I hit Arizona by early afternoon, and headed North to see some of the sights.  I stopped at the Hopi Indian Reservation and bought my wife some jade and silver jewelry, hit a couple of roadside tents and bought some Indian blankets, and then arrived at the Canyon de Chelly, where I marveled at the canyon and Spider Rock formations.  

Monument Valley from a distance.

Wore out, I drove 80 miles to a hotel, found it full, and had to drive another 50 miles to find another.  It was a lousy concrete building type with tile floors, but it worked for the evening.

Next day I got up, and visited Monument Valley.  This is where all the great rock formations you see in Westerns and on multiple commercials are found.  I drove my RAV4 around the 18 mile dirt road through the park, stopping every five minutes to take pictures, and finally left a couple of hours later ... only to find my RAV4 wasn't running right.  

Because of this, and the lateness of the afternoon, I bypassed the Grand Canyon.  Stupid, stupid, stupid! But, you have to understand, by this time I was about "rocked" out.  Last thing I wanted to see at that time were more rocks.  Yep, I still regret missing it.

Anyway, I hit Flagstaff, found an open auto parts store, and bought and installed a clean air filter not filled with dust and dirt from Monument Valley.  

To give you and idea as to how big this place is,
this is a boulder at the bottom of one next to my car.

I hit Phoenix about nine p.m., got lost getting off the Interstate, and ended up in an area of hopping cars, red and blue head scarves, and no English speaking residents.  I finally found my way back on the interstate and ended up in Tuscon, getting a hotel room, and sitting in the back of the hotel with two Hispanics who were kind enough to share a beer with me and seem interested in why the hell I was wanting to capture rattlesnakes.

I get to Sierra Vista the next day, get settled in a hotel room, and call my acquaintance.  After meeting him, I asked him to take me to an authentic restaurant for a great meal and I'd pay for it.  Wasn't a bad pizza, I must say, but wasn't really what I'd had in mind.

Driving around Bisbee, we spied two large rattlers on the side of the road.  I found one of them dead, but the other quite alive.  Adrenaline was flowing as I desperately tried to keep it out of the scrub brush on the outside of the road.  Suddenly, brakes were squealing behind me!

"What are you doing!"

My friend was about 100 yards up the road listening to music in my air conditioned RAV4 with his back to me.  That made it fairly difficult for him to answer for me.

"I said what are you doing!"

Again, a curiosity seeker that didn't know I was fighting with death about three feet away.  I'm desperately struggling to use my hook and grab stick to untangle the snake as it's tail finds some brush and starts to wrap around it.

"Turn around immediately and answer me or I'll shoot!"

Myself and Patrick moving some of the smaller
specimens to different travel containers.

Damn, the snake was now really getting in the brush deep.  I couldn't even see it's head, which is not a good thing, to say the least.  So, I take two steps backwards, raise my tools high so they can be seen easily, turn slowly and say, "I'm hunting illegal aliens.  What the hell do you think I'm doing with a snake hook, anyway?"

It turned out to be Border Patrol agents.  After checking my license, they wished me good luck and told me not to worry about limits.  "Take all you want" were their final words before getting back into their van and taking off in a cloud of desert dust.

"Can you say, "Entrapment" boys and girls?"

We finally caught five of them that night.  When stopped at a Border Patrol security point, I offered to open the container to show the officers, but they decided against it.  

Now I know how to smuggle dope if I ever decide to!

The next day, I traveled to Tombstone, watched a couple of wild west shows (including the Gunfight at the OK Corral), bought a cowboy hat, got completely sunburned to a crisp, and had a great time.  That night, we found another three, which maxed out my limits.

Gunfight at the OK Corral in Tombstone.

To go into detail about the Mapquest 40 hour trip home would be boring.  Let me just say that hotels will not let you stay in them when you have rattlesnakes, and sleeping in a RAV4 during a heatwave is impossible.  I made it from Sierra Vista to just East of Nashville, Tennessee, before I started to lose my depth perception and found cars getting closer to my front bumper real fast.  

I pulled over, slept for 20 minutes, awoke in a pool of sweat, and drove the 4 remaining hours the rest of the way home.  I had driven the 40 hour straight trip in 42 hours, by myself, stopping only to eat, visit the rest stop, and to have a quick nap.  

Smaller specimens between 24" to 32" in length.

That night, I brought the snakes into the house, where my wife dreamed that one bit her on the toe and she died before getting to the hospital.

See, aren't you sorry you asked?   

Next week, remember, "cut and paste, cut and paste!"

Happy, Happy!

Reality Television: "This is Reality?"

“Reality Television”

Those two words can spark many emotions in most television viewers.

(Please, if you need to upchuck, feel free to take a break and do it now.  It only gets worse.)

Since "COPS" hit the scene in the early 80's, reality television has blossomed.  There's something about stupid people watching stupid people that appeals to stupid people.  And, for those that don't consider themselves stupid people for watching stupid people, these shows provide a feeling of superiority to stupid people, as they watch these shows religiously.

Stupid people!

I've decided to save you the trouble of rating some of the most popular reality television offerings and provide a small synopsis on several of the most popular, as well as some of the newest offerings.  Many of these shows are geared to guys, or simply called "Guy Shows."  

So, if you're a female reading this, you'll be able to talk to your boyfriend or husband and communicate in a language he'll understand.  (Generally, it's know as "Bubba-eze.")

Ice Road Truckers

This show has been on for several years, and has yet to have one of its participants die or fall through the icy rivers or ocean over which they drive their eighteen wheelers.  

Whatta bummer!

Men love this show and watch it in hopes of seeing someone go through the ice, much in the same way they watch auto racing for the wrecks.  This show is so popular that they've even taken versions of it to Asia and South America to travel other types of "Death Roads."  

Still, no one has been killed!  As long as cameramen ride in the cabs with the truckers they film, chances are slim to none that anyone will be.  So, why watch it?

Gator Boys

This show is just beginning its second season.  Two guys that catch alligators, first in Florida, and now in Mississippi, week after week after week.  Upon occasion, they throw in a capture of a venomous reptile or some type of carnivorous lizard, but mostly it's alligators.

Upon occasion, one of the two will get nipped, but as reality TV series go, still nothing major has happened to either of them.  If you like watching the same thing week after week, then this might be just the show for you.

BBQ Pitmasters

Again, this show has made it into a second season ... somehow.  

Three judges force three to four contestants to barbecue either beef, chicken, or pork selections.  You watch as they prepare, cook, and present their end products to the judges, who mercilessly grade the offerings on appearance, texture, and taste.  In the end, a winner is chosen.

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Finding Bigfoot

Four individual travel the United States hunting Bigfoot.

Still haven't found him.  Don't expect them to.  If there were as many Bigfoots as they'd like you to believe, they'd have a representative in Obama's cabinet.

Although in thinking back, Dick Cheney did bear a hearty resemblance to many of the drawings!

U.S. Of Bacon

Fat guy (Todd Fisher) goes around the United States showing you all the bacon specialties that are available for anyone wanting to commit suicide by grease and cholesterol poisoning. 

Host looks as though he could die at any minute as he devours these tasty tidbits that tantalize the taste buds of the soon to be CCU patients.  

I do have to admit, after watching this show one night, my wife and I went through an entire pound of thick sliced Applewood Bacon in making BLT's the next afternoon.  We're still recovering!

Yum! Yum!  

(Yes, Help Alert ... I've got chest pains!)

Duck Dynasty

Redneck family in Louisiana has become millionaires with their duck call business.  

How many people that you know have bought a duck call?  Yep, another fantasy show!

Scripted show takes you through the life of these rednecks as they enjoy the everyday facets of life for those that don’t really have to worry about money, but act like they do.  Oldest son runs the business, middle and youngest sons work there making duck calls with their Vietnam War veteran uncle, as their mother and father deal with the grandkids.  

In the end of each show, they all sit down at the table and eat as the show's family lesson learned is discussed.

Happy, Happy!

Rattlesnake Republic

One of the few shows on television that depict conservation measures as unrealistic.  Groups of “rattlesnake hunters” go out weekly hunting rattlesnakes, that will be killed, skinned, and portrayed as serving no purpose in the ecological chain.  

Australia did this once and found themselves plagued with mice infestations until the snake population recovered.

Oh well, “Mouse Hunters” is on the future schedule anyway!

This is one of the few shows in which a cast member has been seriously injured.  Jackie Bibby (shown at right) was bitten in the leg on September 12, 2012, and unfortunately, had to have it amputated just below the knee as necrosis set in.  

Oops!

*****************

And that is my offering of reality television programming.  I have omitted many, simply because most recognize they have absolutely no value, or because they are rip-offs of previous shows set somewhere else (hence Cops and North Woods Law).  

No, I don't spend my time watching these week after week, for the most part.  However, they do provide noise as I find myself writing hubs or blogs or whatever, and occasionally draw my attention.

It is your choice as to enjoy these programs as you rest any brainwaves that may be seeking exercise, or to ignore them and pick up a good book.

I wonder if “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” is out in paperback version yet?

Finish the Sentence Friday Blog Hop #2

  

So, I've been away for a while.

I've been wallowing in self pity, depression, and a wasteland of ridiculous time wasting activities.

"God, why did you ever let Hostess go out of business!  

I miss Twinkies so much!"

Anyway, time to move on.  Life must continue.  

I've found sourdough pretzel bites to replace Twinkies!  I'm good!

Speaking of a wasteland of ridiculous time wasting activities, I'm participating in one developed to help one spread guilt and shame for past activities.

It's called, "Finish the Sentence Friday Blog Hop." (Hence the title of this post, just in case you skimmed over it too quickly to notice.)   In this activity, we are supposed to finish a sentence with real life activities we have experienced.  (Can you say it was developed by the cult of Sadists Supreme, children?)

Today's sentence to finish is, 

“One of the most embarrassing things I ever did was…”

So, in the air of good sportsmanship and group cohesion, I will parade my insanity that has aspired to be held within the hidden portals of my demented mind and release this unto all of ye at this time.  I could simply re-release yesterday's example of what not to post in a blog (which has been deleted after several comments proved the intended humor was not there), and go back into my hole.  Yet, I'm basking in the rays of an afternoon sun after drowning in the torrential morning rains we sustained, so I'll not go there.  Instead, let this be my offering:

One of the most embarrassing things I ever did was to drink Jagermeister for the first time while onstage performing stand-up comedy.

Now, let us first remember this took place over twenty years ago.  I'm much wiser now.  (Like I'm really proving it by telling this story!)

Now, we all know that comedians drink onstage ... right?  Well, most don't.  It's a myth.

I used to take one drink onstage, and then the bartender was under direction to send up club soda and lime for the rest of the show.  Any professional recognizes quickly that alcohol will dull your senses.  When you're doing your best to be witty, and handle drunks that love to heckle, you need to be on your toes.  So, drinking is a taboo to a professional.

However, one night, during a particularly good show and tremendous audience, a customer sent me up a couple of shots of Jagermeister.  Now, if you don't know, this is a 70 Proof German drink that tastes slightly like cough syrup, but will give you an almost immediate buzz.  (I found this out after guzzling both shots in record time.)

Within five minutes, another waitress arrived onstage with four more shot glasses of the liquid refreshment.  They, too, found immediate refuge within my spotlight drenched body.  This was followed by four more, and I believe, four more after that!

I really don't remember the rest of the evening.  However, upon arriving at the club the following night, the owner pat me on the back and congratulated me on getting the audience laughing so loudly.  He'd never heard them roar as they had the preceding evening, or so he said.  In fact, he'd never seen a comedian lying on his back, onstage, laughing so hard right along with them! (No, I don't remember that either!)

Apologies would have normally been given, but since he only presented praise, I simply said, "I just hope I can do the same tonight."

When introduced, I ran to the stage, did my standard opening bit, and appreciated the benefits of having another great audience on hand.  

Then, from the back, a voice rang out,

"Hey, you gonna get drunk like you did last night and piss your pants again?"

As Paul Harvey would have once said,  "And now you know the rest of the story."

2012 ... Bah, Humbug!

2012 is over!   

Thank God!

What a bummer year!

I really hate to say that because I've met so many good people this year as I've started writing, first on Hubpages.com and then in my own blog.  I'm not even going to try to mention all of them, for the list is way too vast (much more so than my memory).   Just let me say that all have grown to mean a lot to me.

So, besides that, is there a high spot to the year?  I doubt it, but I'll let you decide.  Here we go with my recollections of the year 2012!

January
I've been operating a full speed in a District Manager job that normally burns out people in six months, and I'm in month eleven.  I'm getting up at six a.m., writing all my managers positive motivation emails and combining daily reports, and getting to their store locations by ten a.m., after leaving the hotels that have become my home over a three state area.  I get to see my wife late Saturday night, Sunday (if she's not working), and Sunday night.  Monday, it's back on the road.

But the money is great!  I've bought so much stuff that I've not had a chance to open that it will be Christmas for months (if I ever get a chance to be at home).

However, I'm feeling lousy.  I'm experiencing blurred vision, lack of energy, and spaciness at times.  I've gone to the doctor and she wants to send me to five different specialists to find out what's up.

My regional director is the definition of a narcissistic asshole.  He doesn't try to instruct, only hound and use intimidation.  I don't think he even knows what to do.  We had a record sales year in the district I created, yet, he picks at everything.  When I told him I was undergoing medical treatment, he appears on January 31st with a separation agreement.  

Tired of his constant "holier than thou" attitude, I took it, and the money it offered.  

Now I can enjoy all the stuff I've bought!!!

February
What a month!  Specialist after specialist, and no results.  Even had a doctor give me a sales pitch for a "sleep" machine before diagnosing me!  What a sham!  Finally determined my weight gain from eating out in hotels and such had created a Diabetes Type 2 condition.  

Good things did happen this month!  I got to share my college history with my wife by getting tickets to two Indiana University basketball games!  It was over a three hour drive to get to each game, but was worth it!  Now, she's a true Indiana fan, too!  (So much so that she spent $300 in the fan store on team t-shirts, hoodies, and coffee cups!   Should have left her at home!)

Also, started having someone hit our front door every morning about 3 a.m.   Just a quick "bang" and they were gone.  Home invasions going up in the area.  So, I bought a pistol.  By the end of the month, had another and an assault rifle.  Target practicing at least three times a week.  

After the bang one night, I ran outside with my assault rifle and searched around the house.  Didn't find anyone as they must have been hiding around my neighbors home.  Funny, after that, no more bangs at the front door.  (It must have been my serious look on my face that scared them.)

March
Probably should be looking for a job, but I have never had a chance to watch the entire March Madness Basketball Tournament, and I'm a basketball junkie.  Still have plenty of money in the bank for several more months, so, what the hell, let's take off the month, work to get myself healthy, and enjoy the games!   (Well, it made sense to me!)

April
Time to get busy and find a job!  Had an interview with an Operations Director for a slot right under them as the Assistant Director.  Money seems good, as does her response to the interview.  Simply have to have patience as she works to get appointment approved with her home office.  (It's so damn boring not working that I paint the kitchen!  Found out quickly that paint balloons thrown at walls don't spread the paint as evenly as the wife wants!)

May
Still waiting on job to come through.  Director says things are slow in processing and not to get discouraged. Even if they don't approve it for some reason, she has a Sales Manager slot that she will hire me for, at about the same money.  (I almost feel guilty watching my neighbor mow my lawn ... almost.  Damn, I really am getting lazy!)

June
Operations Director has quit the company.  Turns out, company is being purchased and is hiring no one.  So, time to start sending out resumes.  Have never had trouble being hired before with my accomplishments, so not real worried about it.  Still have plenty of funds in the bank, but decided I might as well supplement them with unemployment benefits.  I'd never needed it before, but why not take it if it's available?  Doesn't everyone?

To make matters worse, I turned 58 years old!  Hell, I thought I'd die by the time I was 40 with my adrenaline rush habits.  (What am I still doing around?)

Found an ad concerning making money by writing!  Wow, am I excited!  Haven't written in many years, but had no problem when I did it in the past.  Even had an article published in a Science Fiction magazine in the late 70's.  So, it's time to make some money!   Signed up for Hubpages.com and wrote my first article on if a person really knew what they were getting into when they decided to keep a snake as a pet.  (Yeah, I know ... lame, lame, lame!)

July

Still sending out applications and resumes.  What the hell?  Do these people not recognize quality when they see it?   (That was before I recognized today's recruiters rely on computers to choose the resumes they peruse.  Gives them time to watch HBOGo on their I-Phones!)

Writing is going well.  Meeting more people and getting plenty of views.  Found that creative writing was my true niche, as if I ever doubted it.  I just can't be one of these people to take an encyclopedia and write an article on it, like they'd come up with the topic first!  That was what we did in college, years ago!  (Where's the money Hubpages promised?  They wouldn't fabricate, would they?   Not Hubpages!)

August
More and more views coming in on Hubpages.  Community is accepting me more and more as I'm starting to get noticed.  Joined Hub Hoppers on Facebook and views soared!

Dealt with a recruiter at ADT.  He never called when he said he was going to, and then sent me an email stating that if he couldn't make contact with me, he'd have to withdraw my application.  I sent him a steaming email concerning his ability to perform his job duties ... with examples.  Received an email from him apologizing, and setting up a new time that he would call.  He never did.  (Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!  And this guy's got a job!  Corporations really are stupid at times!)  

September
Okay, this is really getting ridiculous.  I know it's illegal to ask age on applications, but these people are getting around it by requiring "Year Graduated" from high school, college, etc.!   It's the same damn thing!!!   (I wonder how much money I could make in a lawsuit against about 15 of these companies practicing this?   Maybe I could watch the next March Madness without worry again next year!)

October
Write, write, write ... that and reading hubs and answering comments seems to be all that's happening!  Still, no cash from Hubpages!   (No Virginia, Santa Claus isn't spelled Hubpages.com!)

Seems like insurance companies are the only ones interested in all of my sales and management talents.  All of them are now charging over $600 to get state licensed.  So, I pay them $600 to go to work for them, and work on a commission only contract.  (Let's see, no, I wasn't born yesterday.)

My wife (in one of her happier moments)
with two of five walls of cd's in my
tiny collection.

To make matters worse, one of my external hard drives has crashed, taking with it over 50,000 songs of my collection.  I still have Cd's to reload, but need a new hard drive and the cash just isn't there.  Plus, it takes one hell of a long time to download 50,000 songs from Cd's!    (To some, this wouldn't matter.  To me, the only thing worse than losing my collection is losing my wife.  Besides, my collection wasn't insured!)

Started blogging.  Probably, not the best time to do so, but what the hell, I've nothing else to do!  Using a cynical style of character in my writing.  Easy to do at this time as I find myself getting more and more cynical about things in general.  Have been told some like it and some don't.  Abe Lincoln had been told the same thing about the Emancipation Proclamation.  (No, I'm no Abe Lincoln.  Never killed a vampire in my life!)

November
Veterans representative is a joke at the Employment Office.  They're more concerned about taking care of the vets coming back from the Middle East than anyone else!   We were ignored when we came back from the Vietnam Era, and still ignored today!  (Next time, congressmen, you get your asses to the war and see what you're missing!)

Job fairs are offering only $10 an hour jobs at best.  What a farce!  (My country tis of thee, sweet land of screwing thee, bend over and squeal!)

December
What's the world coming to!  Kids getting shot, politicians saying, "So what" to the needs of the people, and everyone is either crying or going broke.   (But The Voice still leads in the TV Ratings Book!)

My eyes are gone.  Can't see 95% of the time.  Doctors say I need to have both operated on immediately, or may lose vision entirely.  Did as asked.  Still not much better.  (Could this have something to do with them needing extra money for Christmas?)

To make matters worse, have been advised that my unemployment runs out January 1st, and Obama cancelled all extensions.  Seems his goal is to get everyone to take two minimum wage jobs so he can say he brought the unemployment rate down.  (What?  Not O-Bam-Bam-A!  Why, he's the savior of the country, just like Bush was!  Why do I feel like we've been here before?)

Christmas just doesn't seem like Christmas.  Wife worked Christmas Day just to make double time pay.  I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have a woman like her, even though I don't deserve her.   (I just wish she made decent money so I could be a stay at home hubby.  I'd even promise her to learn how to make decent cookies!)

Finally, starting to get some hope!  Three companies are expressing interest in me.  A couple even promise decent income levels.  Not getting hopes up until dotted line is signed, but, at least there may be a light at the end of this 2012 dark tunnel.  (Better be or I'll be using candles to heat the house!)   

You will learn family values ...
or go crazy trying!

2013 can be a great year!  

All we have to do is: 

1)  start a worldwide revolution in which all the current politicians are given a travel trailer, $400 a week income, and forced to star in "Dirty Jobs" at least three times a season, and "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" twice (just for meanness)!  

2)  Next, void all CEO termination payoffs for doing a lousy job and stick their butts in a cardboard box in an alley!   

3)  Finally, remove all reality TV from the airwaves, and give all parents competency tests to see if they're qualified to be parents and teach the basic rules of life  (manners, responsibility, right or wrong, etc.) to their children.  For those failing the tests, lock them into padded cells and show continuous episodes of "The Andy Griffith Show", "Family Affair", and "Lassie", until they either pass, or are completely certifiable!


Life is tough, but one can never let it get them down.  I've done my best to find the humor in the madness this last year, and bring it to you.  I'll continue to do so in the future, as sometimes, a smile is all we have to give.

I wish each of you the happiest of New Year's and much prosperity and joy in the year to come.  And, if you see me on the side of the road with a sign in my hands, remember, 

I need cash, not a can of pork & beans!!!!

Keep Smiling & Happy New Year!!!!!

Let It Snow ... Let It Snow ... Let It Snow (You Sadist!)

Okay, I know it's not like blizzard condition snow,
but still, it's more than we usually get in KY.
My Ridgeline needed washing anyway.

I awoke in my recliner this morning as my wife hit my foot on purpose with her knee.

No, she doesn't think I know she's a vindictive bi...., er, wonderful woman.  Yet, I know she was upset seeing me sleeping there as she was preparing to go to work.   So, purposely, under the guise of inadvertently, she hit my foot extending beyond the foot rest of the recliner with her knee.  Of course, you already knew that since I mentioned it in the first sentence.  That is, unless you didn't read the first sentence.  Of course, if you didn't read the first, why would you be reading this one?

Anyway, after she woke me up, I arose, went to the window, and saw exactly what I expected.  I had an inkling what might be there, having only gone to sleep in the recliner a few hours before.  In fact, I purposely went to sleep in the recliner (as discussed in sentence one and paragraph one, too) so that my wife's vindictiveness would again show itself, and would wake me for a purpose.  

I almost feel like I'm double talking myself.

Only a few hours before, I had looked out the window to see our first snow of the year falling.  (Did you ever wonder why they say it's "falling?"   Have you ever seen it come out of the ground and rise up into the sky?)   Anyway, I'd glanced over to her car to see it was beginning to get covered in the frozen white droppings of angel spit.   (I used to have an aunt call it that.  It had a much greater affect to keeping us youngsters from eating snow than simply calling it "yellow" snow did.)

I figured if I slept in the recliner, my wife, as dependable as she is, would be aggravated that it had snowed and that she would have to get her feet wet walking to the car, and then having to scrap the snow off of it, and then wake me up so that she could share her anger and start my day off wonderfully.

That's just my wife!  Not knocking her ... just being honest.  She can be a true bi ....  er, wonderful woman at times.   She just likes others to "share her pain."    I know it's better to give than receive, but she carries it one step too far.

"So, she's at it again, huh?  
I'm glad she's your wife and not mine!"

Well, I knew that I was going to surprise her and go out, shovel the walk, and scrape the snow off of her car for her, but she didn't.   She continued to huff and puff around the house, shutting draws with the force of a jet thruster and doors with all the stealth of a wild bucking bull in heat!

As I was getting out of the recliner, Faletame stopped his snoring and said, "She's at it again, huh?"

"Yeah, she is.  You know how she likes to hide her feelings."

Gabriela barely opened her eyes and asked, "Are you two talking about me again?  You know you don't want to get me all demonized at you!"

"Look, it's not even light yet!  It's still dark!
A girl needs her beauty sleep!
Keep her QUIET!"

"Go back to sleep, girl.  We're discussing the true Bi...., er, wonderful woman of the house."

"Oh, her.  Yeah, she woke me up with all that drawer and door banging, too.  You'd think you humans could control your feelings a little better than that."  she yawned.

Faletame joined in, "Damn straight!  She's about a calm as a hurricane meeting a tornado and having a litter of earthquakes!"

"Hey, that 's my wife you two are talking about.  How'd you like me to give you no name brand cat food tonight instead of Little Friskies?"

Faletame's eyes opened up wide, his ears popped up and back, and he started backtracking, "C'mon Rich!  You know I was only kidding!  You guys are the best!  I couldn't ask for better owners!"

You had to be there.  

"Please, Rich ... I'll be good!  Anything to keep from
getting no name brand cat food.  You know ... it's
like, my kingdom for Little Friskies!"

I shook my head and chuckled as I went to the closet and grabbed my coat and gloves.  Oh yeah, gotta get off these slippers and put on some shoes.  What the hell was I thinking anyway?

Finally, the task was done.  Her car was cleaned off of snow, all doors checked and found not to be frozen shut, and the walk cleared to keep her feet dry.   Sometimes, I surprise myself.

When I walked back in the house, things were somewhat different in tone.  Both cats were snoring, coffee was brewing, and my wife actually had a smile on her face.  

But, being her, she never apologized.  

See, my wife lives by the "Love Story" philosophy that "being in love means never having to say you're sorry."   At least that's what she says.

I think her philosophy is actually, "Be a big enough Bi..., er, wonderful woman and you'll always get your way!"

It seems to be working.

"So sorry you had to go to work so early today!
Be safe ... and come home in a better mood!"

Another Life Has Passed

We all lose friends over the years.  Family Members, whether
adopted or natural, tend to hit us a little harder.

Everyone and everything has its time on Earth.    

And then it's over.

Losing a loved one this time of year is not easy.  A family member is especially tough.

Adopted family members are almost as difficult.

In 2003, I adopted a friend.  This friend would live under my roof, be fed on a constant basis, and bask in the warmth of the care I could provide him.  

I awoke this morning to a strange smell in the room.  This smell was similar to a decaying mouse.

No, I've never had a mouse as a household pet.  I don't like mice.  They bite, they crap, they piss in their water bowls, and they don't even display any type of beauty.  Sorry Mickey, even Stuart Little couldn't spend a night in my house, unless he wanted to play with my cats, Faletame and Gabriela all night!  That would be something to watch!

I slide the glass back, carefully lifted up the hide rock, and underneath found my adopted household friend in a somewhat still position.  No prodding would create movement.  Indeed, my friend was stiff as a board.

As life would have it, all era’s must come to an end.  

There's no reason to shed tears!
Life must continue for the living.

In the mid 60’s, I was playing Army in my grandfather’s back forest with a friend of mine.  As I was running across a clearing (and being shot in the back with BB’s) I jumped over a fallen tree.  As I landed, I felt something hit the back of my leg.  Thinking I’d flipped thorns up (and still being shot with BB’s) I ran another step before stopping.  I’d felt something flop against the back of my leg, and needed to investigate.  

Just as I looked down, I saw a copperhead remove itself from the back of my leg and strike again ... and again.   I could only imagine my leg starting forward as it first struck and being carried by the motion of my leg once the fangs entered my calf.  

I spent a couple of days in the hospital that time.    While there, relatives would come by and make statements that I’d never go back in the woods again as I would develop a fear of these animals.  Instead, I developed the need to face my fears and learn all I could about these creatures.

In the late 70’s, a friend of mine, in South Africa, was raising venomous reptiles for research.  I opened a container that held some Cape Cobra (naja Nivea) eggs.  One of the eggs was pushing against another in an attempt of the occupant to hatch.  So, I reached down and adjusted the egg’s position to allow this to happen much easier.

I didn’t know that one had already hatched from the bottom of one of the eggs and was underneath the substrate.

The neonate cobra attached itself to the side of my right hand, little finger and wouldn’t let go.  Such is the life of a feeding response.  It pumped every bit of venom it had into that finger until I could manage to remove it.

After a stay in a South African hospital (and three days on life support), I found that finger to never be the same.  The internal necrosis had eaten away cartilage and tissue which would forever give me the “tea drinker’s” pinkie appearance.

Since that time, I’ve owned upwards of fifty types of venomous reptiles.  My collection has included some of the most venomous species in the world at times.  I’ve had a couple of more bites from slightly venomous species, but never returned to the hospital.  

Then the laws started changing.  

Suddenly it was illegal in the state of Kentucky to own these.  In addition, the city had created its own laws that were even more strict about the keeping of exotics.   My landlord even started including a clause in the lease about them.  So, I either sold or gave away my collection.

I never took a picture of my friend for some reason.
This is one identical to my specimen.

All except one.

The Western Hognose snake has been declared slightly venomous in the last few years.  It won’t kill you, but you can sustain major swelling and possible muscle damage from it’s bite.  However, none of the city or state regulations lists it as venomous as yet. 

It was my last specimen.  My last reminder of the era I’d spent getting pure adrenaline rushes from dealing with death on the end of a snake hook, or in extracting venom days, in my hands.  They provided me a reason to travel many countries of the world I would have never done otherwise, as I hunted them in their natural habitat to supply venom labs with specimens for extractions necessary for the making of antivenins.  

Imagine, being able to hold a living creature that has the ability to kill you with one bite in the flash of a micro second, and surviving!  Oh, I’ve dealt with gators, venomous lizards, and other creatures that could kill you, but there was something so sinister, yet, beautiful in the patterns they wore, as venomous snakes.

Today, my hognose snake died.

The burial was a garbage bag in the trash.  No, I’m not that sentimental about it.

But, for me, the era of venomous snakes is over ... completely.  

My years in dealing with them taught me to always face my fears and never allow fear to rule my life.  That followed me through my times of sky diving, skin diving, stand-up comedy, marriage, and even two years ago when I took a high performance driving class and raced around a sports car track at speeds exceeding 150 mph.   Fear will only hold one back.   Only when you face and overcome these fears will you have an experience to talk about that many others only wish they'd enjoyed.   Healthy respect is always recommended, but fear is nothing more than a hindrance to success and feeling the rush life can truly offer.

I have decided to no longer replace my reptiles, as my wife would be lost in tending for them should I pass on, too.  

It’s another phase of my life that has passed.  Sad, in a way, as it was one that provided many challenges and experiences that I can recall with enthusiasm and cherish for the rest of my life, as my years pass by all to quickly, 

So, now I must find something to replace it.

Time to check out bridge bungee jumping!