Cookies ... Round Or Square? Who Cares?

First things first.

***Julie, I apologize for stealing your photo without asking.  I hope in the spirit of the season, you will not sue me.  I steal it in a sense of sharing the perfect examples of what cookies should look like.  As you will see later, neither they, nor you, have anything to fear from this individual.***

Julie DeNeen's Perfect Cookies And Pastries!!!
See and read more from Julie at  Life According To Julie

As most of you follow Julie's blogs, you know she's is a fanatic in the kitchen, especially this time of year.  Her efforts are well documented in the photo of her efforts that I have stolen without permission.  

My wife has to work tonight, Christmas Eve, in the pharmacy, and all day tomorrow.  I've already volunteered to try to duplicate my Thanksgiving efforts in the kitchen for Christmas Day, but about two hours ago I thought, "Why don't I surprise her and try to make some cookies?"

This may not seem like much of a challenge to most of you.  Let's remember two things here:  1)  I'm a man that has had no training in the kitchen, and 2)  I've already written an entire blog about my efforts and a German Chocolate Cake, that I finally got my wife to bake.  These two items should tell you that what I'm about to relate may not make sense to you, but to me, seemed perfectly normal!

So, not having a tremendous amount of cash, my standard state these days, I remembered seeing Chocolate Chip Cookie mix in Dollar Tree.  I jumped in my Ridgeline, started it up, and hurried there hoping they were still open.  

They were!  Amazing!  

However, I witnessed dirty looks from the cashier as I rushed through the door.  

"We close in ten minutes!"

The voice behind me was somewhat demanding, and somewhat begging in manner.  No fear!  I knew right where the mix was located.

I rushed to the aisle, grabbed three boxes of the mix, rushed to their cooler and picked up a box of Blue Bonnet (just to be safe having not checked at home in advance to see how our home supplies stood), and rushed back to the register.

They were locking the door as I checked out.  Watching the frowning cashier bag up my purchase, I tried to be as friendly as possible and wish the Grinch a Merry Christmas!  

"Yeah, you too."

Whatta season spirit filled greeting!  My insides filled with emotion.  Actually, I'd just drank a Diet Coke on my way to the store and a delayed burping reaction was working its way up my torso.

I passed the store manager (who was arguing with several people that wanted to come in at the door) and headed to the truck.  On my way, a group of five young men (resembling a scene from South Central in the 90's) were assembled close to my truck.  As I jumped in the truck and started it, they made their way over and knocked on the window.  I put the truck in gear, and in the spirit of the season, lowered my window about halfway.

"Yo, bro, I's jes gottsouta jail en needs sumthin ta smoke.  Yo gots a cig, man?"

"Sorry, I don't speak Spanish."

I pulled out a little faster than normal, making sure I didn't turn my lights on, just in case I hit one of them.  Why no lights?   It makes it harder to read the license plate!

Faletame Acting Cool Again!

I make the drive home, walk in the house, and Faletame goes, "Hey Rich, what's to eat tonight?"   

"I don't know, why?"

"Well, you and I know you're going to give me some turkey roast tomorrow, so I was thinking tonight would be a good night for some sort of fish or tuna Little Friskies, instead of chicken or turkey.  You know, poultry two days in a row gets old."

Gabriela looked up from her habitual prone position and agreed with him.  I was outnumbered.

"I'll see what I can do.  First, I've got to make Millie some cookies."

"Cookies?  Hell Rich, you can't make cookies!  Give it up, man!"

Gabriela Agreed ... "Rich, You Can't Bake!"

Perhaps, if Faletame hadn't rolled over on his back laughing so hard, I might not have had thoughts of checking.  However, yep, there it was, a can of turkey Little Friskies left.  Laugh at me will you!  Muhahahah!

Reading the directions, I put all three packages of cookie mix into a bowl.  Next came the three tablespoons of Blue Bonnet, one for each package.  Three teaspoons of water came next.  

But, when I got to the next part, I was paralyzed with fear.  Add three egg yolks read the directions.  Three egg yolks ... how do you separate the yolk from the white?   Not having any idea, nor patience to search endlessly on the web, I simply said the hell with it and put three eggs, whites and yolks, into the mix.  I've never been one for segregation anyway!

I then saw that I was supposed to put the cookies on an "ungreased cookie sheet."  I'd already sprayed the sheet with a cooking spray, so, once again, the hell with it was my reaction.  We must learn by our mistakes.  Right?

I went ahead, measured out slightly rounded teaspoons of cookie mix, and was able to get almost all of the mix on one cookie sheet.  I'd already preheated the oven to 375 degrees, so after sticking them in it, I only had to time them.

As I waited, I changed into my sweats (God Bless Sweats!) and returned.  Bored, I went ahead and reread the box directions.  "Place each teaspoon of dough three inches apart."

"Three Inches!"

Oops!

Okay, Damnit!  I Know I Can't Bake!
Still, Ya Gotta Give A Guy Credit!

This is the picture of the cookies, or what should have been individual cookies.  In this case, it became a mat of cookies.  Oh well, I cut them apart into nice square pieces.  

My wife will be home in less than three hours.  I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees the container of square cookies awaiting her!  (I'd like to see Julie's when she sees the above picture!)

These aren't hard cookies (must've been the egg whites), but they really don't taste so bad.  I really can't understand why Faletame's laughing so hard.  (He won't be laughing so much when I stick the turkey Little Friskies in front of his face.)

So, Julie, you now know why I stole your picture.  Yours are the picture of perfection.  Mine are not.  

So, let's talk about your German Chocolate Cake making skills!

Merry Christmas to all and to all ... a square cookie!

"Tag" or "Cooties" ... Is There A Difference?

Alas, I've Been Caught For The Second Day In A Row!

I recall a game of my youth!

No, it wasn't tag.  Tag was something you played when you were very young.

The game was called 

"Cooties."

I have no idea where or how it originated, nor care.  It really doesn't matter.  

What I do remember was someone would come up to you, touch your body somewhere (usually not where one would want or appreciate) and holler, "Cooties, Cooties, you've got Cooties!"   We would then do the same to another, generally of the same gender for fear of visiting the Principal's office for inappropriate touching.  (Hey, some of us knew how to use opportunity, even way back then!)

In adult life, the premise of tagging is again taking place.  Chain letters were bad enough, as you had to wonder if the person sending it to you actually had an agreement with Satan and would send terrible things your way if you didn't comply.  

However, this tagging is taking place under the guise of "holiday spirit" and makes one simply feel guilty if they do not return the favor.  (I guess Christmas brings out the youngster in all of us ... well, most.)

I awoke yesterday to having been tagged.  So, I complied and wrote a blog about the experience.  If you missed it (whether intentionally or not), I welcome you to view it here:

Tagged ... Bah! Humbug!

Today, after going to bed at 8 a.m. this morning, I awoke to guess what?   Yep!  Once again, I'd been tagged!

This time, Cyndi Calhoun, another friend of mine, found her normally extremely functional brain to be somewhat demented (it's nice to see others visit the mental state in which I live) had listed me in this continued version of sadistic, oops, continued version of Christmas cheer.   

"Tell us your secrets and make them clear,

we're all friends there's nothing to fear!

Rah, Rah, Zis Bah Boom!"

Can you still do the splits?  I never could.  My voice was too low.


Getting back to Cyndi Calhoun ... here's a person that everyone loves.  (No, not literally, she's not that type of girl!  Shame on you!)  Cyndi is a photographer extraordinaire and creates visual masterpieces with both the camera she uses and the words she pens.  She’s constantly experimenting with various techniques to bring the photo to life for all to enjoy, and is damn good at it.  

Of course, it comes honestly as she got much practice in her previous life.  She fine tuned her skills decades ago as a photographer for the Marquis de Sade.  I think that’s where she picked up this sadistic “tagging” art.   None of those photos still exist (she’s spent most of this life searching them down and destroying them to keep her looking sweet and innocent in the eyes of this life’s friends), but you can visit a tremendous array of her current offerings at:  

pictimilitude.com or "Hi! I'm Cyndi! Call Me! (Okay, I went too far here)

Okay, now to the task at hand.  I must go through the questions in her post and try to find those that I have yet to answer.  (Oh, the humanities!  More work!)  Let’s give this a shot:

1)  What makes Christmas such a special holiday to you and your family?  
It comes after Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Third time’s a charm!   No, in all sincerity, I first need to say I’m not a “church” person.  I don’t usually go to church because I’ve had many negative experiences as an adult with men preaching what they can’t show in the Bible.  (I once had two deacons visit my home and start knocking rock music.  I played them a couple of James Taylor tunes, and then some shit kicking Country selections to compare.  Then, when I asked them to show me any reference to Rock Music in the Bible, it was suddenly time to pray and say goodbye.)

However, I do hold religion very sacred in my heart.  This is the celebration of the birthday of Christ, not a competition to see how much one can spend on gifts.  I think that is lost most of the time.  It is a special day for a very special birthday boy, and recognizing that should make it the most special of days for all families.  (See, I do have a serious side.  Disappointed?)

2)  Were you told the truth about Santa by your parents or did you find out some other way?
You might say I’ve always been the inquisitive ass.  It was always funny to me that my parents needed to know what I wanted Santa to know, and how most of what I wrote in my letter to Santa appeared under the tree.  So, one year, I think second grade, I went snooping.  In their closet I found a vast amount of gifts prior to Christmas Day.  So, either Santa was visiting early (which made me wonder why we left out cookies and milk on Christmas Eve), or Santa was a myth.  When I approached my teacher about it, she said to ask my parents.  That told me a conspiracy was in the air among the adults of the world.  A few weeks later, when Christmas Eve hit, my parents asked me if I wanted to leave out the standard cookies and milk.  I said, “Why?  Santa’s already been here.  He left all the presents in your closet!”   (Have you ever been punished on Christmas Eve for looking in your parents closet?)

3)  What’s your favorite Christmas movie to watch?  Or, Christmas song?
Typically, I’d respond “It’s a Wonderful Life.”  But whoever said I was typical?  Actually, I enjoy “A Christmas Story.”  I won’t watch it over and over and over all day on TBS, but once is okay.  Not only does it have it’s humorous moments, but it’s about a time that I grew up during, when life was much more simple and family oriented.  Plus, I begged for a Daisy BB gun myself one year, and received it.  For years, there was a BB hole in the basement window of my parent’s home that was blamed on a neighbor’s kid that also got one.  I wonder how it got there?

As far as Christmas song, “The Christmas Song” by Jose Feliciano is a tremendous version that I never tire of.  Others have done it well, but Jose’s really comes from the soul.  And, I can never forget one of my first records ever, when I was a child.  It was the Three Stooges singing, “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”.   (God, I was a comedy junkie even further back than I originally remembered!)

4)  If you could spend Christmas anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
I’ve moved so many times in my life, I’ve found it doesn’t matter where you are, but who you’re with.  As long as my wife is by my side, it doesn’t matter.  Christmas is a personal time when emotions run high.  I don’t care about the background scenery, I just want to always see her eyes looking into mine on that day.  (Of course, if Victoria’s Secret called ... there’s always computer cams!)

5)  What’s the best Christmas gift you’ve ever received?
My heart’s discovery of what the day really meant.  After serving in the military, I was living in a cold garage apartment with no funds.  Eating once a day was done only by splitting up a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese into three days of servings.  I knew there was a feast to be held with all of my father’s family only 17 miles away, but I remembered how Christmas had become a competition of who got the most expensive gift.  I wanted none of it, as I felt something was amiss in feeling that way.  I stayed home with my two cats of the time (Avatar and Blackwolf), and watched Christmas programming on a 19” Black & White TV.  I had even restrained my inhaling that day to make sure I kept it holy.  

The next day, I recognized how good I felt.  I had restrained myself from the competition, and strengthened my belief that it was Christ’s day, not ours to taint with petty egos.  I vowed to never compete on that day, but to give all I could in the spirit of the heart and love, instead.  I’ve never been sorry about that decision.  (But, if you'd like to compete, you can send all Christmas gifts to me at ......)

Okay, enough is enough!  

To all that have not been tagged, you’re now tagged!  You’re not getting out of it this easily!  Share your tales of Christmas with all of us!

And remember, I WILL remember you next year if you try to tag me again!  : )

Merry Christmas to all of you, my friends!

May you be blessed with the joy and warmth of eternal love and family togetherness!

(Except the "family togetherness" part in Mississippi and Eastern Kentucky, 

where it has a whole different meaning!)

Tagged ... Bah, Humbug!

I awoke this morning to a "tagging".  

Yesterday, I blogged an article about having been nominated for an award.  The reward for being nominated was to nominate others.

Have I ever told you I'm somewhat lazy?  This is the post from Michelle L. I awoke to:

"Yes, the true gift of Christmas is sacrifice, forgiveness, and above all these, love. I would like to thank Melanie Chisnall of Scribbles and Smiles, who passed on the truest Christmas message of friendship I know to the rest of us.

Melanie is a dedicated blogger and most definitely, talented writer. If you have not already gotten to know this talented lady well, check out her blog, Scribbles and Smiles for little reminders of the positive things in life. She tagged us with some questions which I find great fun to answer."

1. What’s the coolest stocking gift you’ve ever received?

2. Do you prefer to wrap gifts or use gift bags? (short and easy one)?

3. What’s the weirdest ornament on your tree?

4. What are your thoughts on re-gifting?

5. Describe the best Christmas morning you’ve ever had.

Anyway, Good ol' Melanie (did I tell you she's the one who did it to me with the nomination?) did it to me again, inadvertently, that is!  Michelle is the real culprit!  (But, I still love both of them to death!) 

I must now answer questions about Christmas past. I could avoid doing this, but will participate in the tone of "Christmas Cheer" and the spirit of the season.  

Damn you, Bob Cratchett!

1. What’s the coolest stocking gift you’ve ever received?

My mother-in-law used to give me a pair of Dollar Store socks every year for Christmas.  These stockings were not particularly long lasting, nor well made.  One year, I had just come in from an unseasonal rainy Christmas entrance, so my clothes were drenched.  Not wanting me to "catch cold", she handed me my flimsy wrapped gift and said, "Go put these on."  An hour later, my feet started itching.  I pulled the black socks down, and my ankles and feet were black from the cheap dye from the socks.  The price of the socks, 99 cents.  The look on her face, Priceless!   Cool, indeed!

2. Do you prefer to wrap gifts or use gift bags? (short and easy one)?

Since most retailers now give purchases in plastic bags, I find them impossible to roll down the opening and tape it up.  So, I've started wrapping.  I'm terrible at it, and really don't want to get better.  A complete roll of wrapping paper around a bottle of perfume makes for much frustration in opening it.  I guess I'm a sadist at heart.

3. What’s the weirdest ornament on your tree?

We out grew our house about a decade ago, so we don't really have much of a tree.  A two foot high artificial contraption my wife picked up at the pharmacy she works suffices.  Gabriela was nosing around it the other night and sneezed.  So, somewhere, attached is the remnants of that.  It is definitely the weirdest ornament on the tree.

4. What are your thoughts on re-gifting?

I've never done it.  Passing on Dollar Store socks seems somewhat ridiculous.  Plus, they wear out by the second time you use them.  My oldest daughter has a habit of buying me polo shirts.  I never wear polo shirts.  I actually hate polo shirts.  So, I have at least 15 years of these hanging in the closet.  I could package them up and give them back to her husband, but I'm sure she'd recognize some of them.  Hey, that may be a thought!

5. Describe the best Christmas morning you’ve ever had.

As a parent, all of them were great, but stressful.  I always wondered, "Did I buy enough?  Are the kids happy or disappointed?"  I always wanted to get them everything, but money was a problem most of the time.  They never complained, and seemed happy.  At least, I never noticed.  (Of course, I was inhaling strange items at that time in my life, too, so that may have been a factor.)

As a husband, I was able to buy my wife a new diamond wedding ring set (in the multiple thousands) a few years back.  My wife had worn her grandmother's ring for years, as I was a cheaply paid radio DJ when we married.  The look on her face when she opened up the ring set was heartwarming.  (Plus, it got her off of my case about it from that point on.)

Personally, my parents used to spoil me silly with Christmas gifts when I was a kid.  Then, we'd get dressed and go to my grandmother's to eat Christmas dinner with the rest of the family.  There, they'd all give gifts to everyone.  There's not one that stands out in particular, just the group of all of them merging with gifts, love and family interaction.  (Yeah, I'm a sentimental fool at heart.  Damn, I've got to stop this crap or my reputation will be completely ruined!)

So, that's it!  It's over!  I've done as asked, or tagged to do.

Since my mother died at my age 13, Christmas has never really been the same.  Instead of being thrilled with the gifts I receive, I simply want to give everything I can to all I can and see the joy on their faces.  This year sucks, as my financial state has ceased that ability entirely.  My wife is going to work Christmas, to get double time at the pharmacy, and I'm going to stay home..  Hopefully, since the apocalypse didn't occur, next year will be better.

But, I'm not going to let it get me down.  I've got some jobs brewing in the fire that pay extremely well. I'm thankful that I still have my wife of 32 years (who still isn't smart enough to leave me and find someone worth having), my two cats (pains in the butts they are), and my family (living elsewhere, thank goodness).  

I'm going to go ahead (since I'm lazy and probably won't write another blog before the holiday) and wish each and every one of you a very Happy and Merry Christmas!  

Enjoy your families.  Find internal warmth in the smiles you provide!  Hold your loved ones close and share all the love you can!  It is a day to rejoice with each other and provide memories that will be cherished for decades to come.  Most important, take a moment of silence and give thanks to the birthday boy himself.  

Merry Christmas!

Check out the original post at:
Muses from the Deep: short stories, poems and reflections: The gift of the Yule

Oh, now it's time for me to tag someone.  Instead, I think I'll simply ask all of you that haven't yet been tagged to share with the rest of us.  It's your opportunity to voluntarily share.  This way, no one is left out, as no one should be.  Spread Christmas cheer in your blog, and let us know when you do.

And, if you really want to gather in readers, 

share the hot parts!

(I wish I could remember those days!)

Nominees, Humor, & The Lord & I Talk

Hello, Lord!

Well, Well, Well … how about that!  I got nominated for an award!

Yes Lord, I know people make mistakes, but this is a big one!  Why?  Because I’m similar to the “Grinch  That Stole Christmas” … that’s why!  Everyone knows I complain about every little thing, make mountains out of molehills, and take sarcasm so close to the extreme that some even misunderstand it’s intent and find it mean at times.  Why, I’ve even had my wife look at me and say, “I can’t believe you wrote that!  You are a bastard!”

Okay, he's typing again.  Time for me to take a nap.
Yes, I sleep on my side like he does ... it's contagious!

Oh, you know that there’s always a little humor in a disaster area, too.  Well, I shouldn’t be surprised.  You’ve witnessed many of those over the centuries, haven’t you?  But, since we live in a blame shifting society, you do understand that you’re the blame for my sarcasm, don’t you?

Wait a minute, that’s one thing you can’t throw back at me and say it’s my fault.  I remember doing some really weird things in my life, well before I ever thought about doing stand-up.  In fact, since part of this is supposed to be about seven things people don’t know about me, let’s talk about a few of them.

1.  My first time to perform was way before I started into kindergarten.  I remember my grandparents sitting on our couch laughing their tails off as I pretended I was various characters that Red Skelton used to portray on his comedy hour.  You had to have something to do with that!

2.   I remember my mother taking me to the movies one Saturday.  They were showing a western, where the bad guy was Tex Terry.  He made a special appearance that day at the theater.  He pulled up in front of the place in his Cadillac convertible with the big Texas Longhorn horns sticking out of the hood.  After the flick, he went onstage and demonstrated his accuracy with the bullwhip.  When he asked for volunteers from the audience, I was the first one up there with him.  Holding that folded paper as he flipped the whip at it was scary, but when he missed and hit my finger instead, I will admit, I exaggerated a little as I played the injury out to the audience.  I loved being the center of attention even then.  Tell me you didn’t have anything to do with that, too!

3.  Yes, Show & Tell was my favorite part of early Elementary School.  It gave me a few minutes to get up in front of the class and try to get a few laughs by describing whatever I had brought a little differently than most did.  See, you’d started something and the ball just kept rolling!

4.   I know … I was hooked.  For years, I’d watched the Student Body President get up in front of the whole school to introduce guest performers and artists for special school events.  That’s the only reason I ran for the office to begin with.  When I won, it provided me with a year of emcee experience that most don’t ever get.  I loved being out there in front of a thousand other kids and getting them to laugh before the main introduction.  I know, it really pissed off the principal, but he was a turkey anyway.  Right?  Yeah, I know, respect your elders.

5.  You even gave me the chance to get my future wife laughing the first time we met.  She was so down and depressed about the situation she was in that a smile did her good.  Of course, that was 32 years ago.  You’ve stuck me in a lifetime contract to perform for free to her.  Couldn’t you have made it worth my while in a financial aspect … just a little?   No, I’m not greedy, just broke, as you know, and needing some quick cash.  You sure didn’t help me last night on the two scratch off’s I purchased, or even in the Powerball ticket selection.  Three lines of numbers and not one that matched those drawn!  I thought you knew everything?

6.   I know, I’ve fallen in love again.  It’s a matter of softness and tenderness.  It’s a freedom to expand and move without restriction.  My heart is experiencing a relationship like never before.  Please, whatever you do, don’t stop the manufacturing of sweat pants, T-shirts, and hoodies!

7.  No, this isn’t the first situation you’ve put me in to test my faith.  I’ve been shot at in the Middle East before it was the common thing, bitten by a Cape Cobra in South Africa and awoke three days later on life support, survived multiple drug experimentations in the early 70’s, and even proved a heart attack can’t keep me down.  What’s that you say?  Only the good die young!  I guess that’s why you’re still around, too!   C'mon, smile just a little.  I know you can take a joke.  Why, look at me!  I just received this nomination!  You ought to be laughing your beard clean of last night’s supper over that one!

You didn’t have anything to do with that one?  C’mon Lord, you’re not going to float there and tell me that Melanie Chisnall did it on her own, are you?  I mean, let’s be real.  Here’s a person that is professional in every way.  She writes a fantastic blog called “Scribbles and Smiles” and does all types of professional stuff.  You know, like drink wine for days on end at festivals, eats pastries until the sugar jitters sends her into a state of energy shock, and does her best to help all those homeless animals find some love down in South Africa. 

No, she’s younger than that.  I was in South Africa about 34 years ago and she just partied herself silly at her 30^th birthday party.  Yes, I’m sure.  I didn’t do anything there anyway except spend too much time in the hospital after getting bit by that cobra.  You know that!  Oh, you’re teasing me a little.  No sense of humor, huh?  Remember, you’re supposed to set the example!

This is the tag you add.  The one on the
side of the blog has the link included!

Anyway, she got all mixed up one day and somehow nominated me.  As if that’s not bad enough, now I have to nominate several others in the same manner.  I know, I’d nominate everyone if I could.  Hell, they’re all tremendous bloggers and friends.  And you know what else, I’ve got to give each and every one of them credit for reading the weird stuff I come up with from time to time.  Maybe if you didn’t give me such a boring life, I could come up with something worthwhile to read … but nooooooo … you simply want me to go to extremes to bring a smile.  

 I know, a smile helps a person to get through their times of stress.  So, why didn’t you give me a smile and let me win some cash last night?  Huh?  C’mon, let’s practice what we preach!

So who am I going to nominate?  You don’t know?  I thought you knew everything.  Oh, you’re just making conversation.  Like you have no one else to talk to, right?

1)  Even though she’s been nominated before, I’ve got to go with Janine Huldie, and her blog “Confessions of a Mommyaholic.”  Yeah, I know, I’m hooked on mommy blogs.  I just get a kick out of the way Janine can be so damn honest in everything she writes.  From no bathroom privacy to sending her husband to sleep on the couch, Janine doesn’t hold back.  And, not only is she one of the most loyal readers I have, she’s fast.  It’s almost like she’s sitting there, waiting on me to publish something … and boom … there’s a comment awaiting me.  With speed like that, I don’t know how in the dickens she ever conceived two kids!

2)  You’re sitting there shaking your head like you know who’s next.  So who is it?  Okay, so you did know.  Yep, Terrye Toombs and her “The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan” is right!  Terrye is one of the funniest writers I know.  Why, she’s even given me a couple of ideas for hubs, and I’ve tried to return the favor.  In fact, she’s one of the few comedians that you don’t have to worry about stealing your ideas and using them for her own benefit.  She’s a loving mother, the owner of a boy toy husband, and a great friend to have, even if she is somewhat misplaced.  I know, that was a bad pun.  So, Lord, why didn’t you stop me from typing it?  Oh, so now you’re going to throw up the hands like you don’t know.  Geesh!

3)  Yes, I’m going to include a guy in this one.  Clark Farley and his “Wakefield Doctrine” writing is so advanced in concept that it took me a time or two or reading it to understand the idea.  But, once I grasped it, I found it to be extremely interesting.  Kind of “mind exercise” and “enjoyment” all merged into one.  And, he’s smart.  He keeps it going, like an old movie house serial, so you have to keep coming back over and over to keep up with it.  What do you mean it’s not that hard to keep up with?  Well, you’re all knowing, right?  Of course it’s easy for you!  Remember, I only have the brain you gave me.  What do you mean you were stingy that day?

4)  My last nominee is Emily Cappo with her blog “Oh Boy Mom.”  Why, let me tell you, some of the things her boys get into remind me of when I was young.  No, I didn’t have an I-Phone back then.  You know as well as I do that they weren’t even being thought of.  Anyway, Emily has a real natural way of letting you know what’s going on in her house and in her mind, and sometimes, you just gotta let loose with more than a chuckle. 

And now, you’ve done it to me.  There’s so many more I’d like to nominate, but just don’t have the space.  Plus, I’m not really sure as to if they’ve been nominated already.  Some have put the badge on their blogs and others haven’t.  So, I’m kind of guessing.  Yes, I’ve been guessing about things most of my life.  Just had to get that in, didn’t you? 

But, I seriously feel as though everyone’s blog should qualify in this nomination process.  People put their hearts and souls … okay, I won’t say souls, they’re yours … they put their hearts into their blogs and deserve to have the badge, too. 

So, that’s it!  It’s been nice talking with you this morning, even if you are hard to get along with sometimes.  And, Lord, if you don’t mind, Saturday night, if you’re not busy, how about helping me out a little with the next Powerball drawing.

Oh, almost forgot … 

Amen!

Do We Laugh Or Cry?

The children are no longer here.  They've been taken from us by a madman that doesn't deserve to have his name mentioned.  His act is one that shame can't validate.  It was despicable and without cause.  Personally, I don’t care if he was mentally ill or not.  He was wrong in doing what he did, and anyone that tries to validate it with psychological reasoning is a fool.   

Don’t like that?  Sorry, that’s how I feel.  We’ve validated these crimes so long that we have provided them a proper pasture in which to thrive.  In the world, without lawyers, politicians, and big business widening the gray areas, there is a dividing line that stands clear between right and wrong.  The act last week was to the extreme in the “wrong” category.

After the initial shock, I got mad, and am still that way.  I’m mad because we look at an inanimate object and blame it for the massacre.  I’m mad because the “specialists” have told us for years how to live, and have obviously been completely wrong.  I’m mad because the news on television and web attempts to makes this killer a human being in finding “due cause” for his actions.  (He gave up being human the second he pulled the trigger.)  I’m mad because many people can’t see that the family is important in life, and have left raising children up to television, video games, and computers.  And, I’m mad because people can’t see the truth right in front of them, and continue to blame shift instead of change the behavior that had created the tragedies and violence we are experiencing much too often.

I’m mad because some good families have had their lives changed forever.  I’m mad because children will not know the joy of finding the one they love and having their own children.  I’m mad because life has changed for so many that were not directly involved.  And, I’m mad because I have friends that are looking at their children and being reminded that life is not guaranteed, instead of being able to enjoy life as they once did.

Yep, I’m pissed off!

Could I make jokes about this?  Of course I could!  Will I?  No, not this time.  I need to get over my fury and wrath first.  I need to see people enjoying their families and experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced ... with joy and happiness.  

I don’t blame God for this.  Oh, some say that it’s a warning of things to come.  God destroyed the twin cities of the past because of their sins and beliefs, perhaps he’s giving us a warning.

Sorry, even God has limits in his vengeance.  Killing innocent children is not his way.

No, God is watching from above, with children gathered around him, looking down upon mankind and wondering, “Why can the masses not see they are the cause of their misery?  They have failed to teach the children and have listened to the false prophets in seeking direction in raising the young.  They have become a society of the irresponsible, that seek to blame instead of solve.  Greed and power has destroyed the society of love and caring and equality.  They have allowed material objects to become the center of attention instead of family joy and togetherness.  I see samplings of goodness and care, but I see most forgetting and going about business as normal.  When will they learn?  When will they awaken?”

So, where do we go from here?

Do we go back to making jokes?   

“Congress is being held at gunpoint by gun control advocates to ensure the gun laws are changed.”  
“Top named department stores have changed the name of their children’s photography sessions from “photo shoots” to “picture taking opportunities.”   
“School officials all over the nation are experimenting with new ways to keep children safe while getting an education.  It’s called, “home schooling.”

No, it’s too soon.  Nothing is funny, only crude and without class.

It’s like saying, “What did the 33rd floor executive say when he say a jet coming at the World Trade Center?  “Damn, I knew I was going to miss my flight!”

Sometimes, it’s always too soon.

In 1955's "The Night Of The Hunter", Lillian Gish stars as the saving grace for two children as their mother was killed and they are being stalked by a vicious killer.  As the ending credits grow near, she looks at the camera and says, "You know, when you're little, you have more endurance than God is ever to grant you again.  Children are man at his strongest.  They abide and they endure."

Our kids will survive this.  And, in due time, so will we.  Life will go back to normal.  Blogs will be about little daily activities and the trials and tribulations of every day life.  We will laugh, we will shake our heads in disbelief, and we will finish with cute comments to the authors.

The sun will once again shine brightly.

And angels will smile.

©Copyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved

In respect for those we just lost ...

WARNING! DON'T BE A SHOPPING SUCKER!

1/2 off!   Save like never before!   

Take  50% off our already low prices!    

No one beats our prices!

Sound familiar?

Every store in the mall is vying for your dollars!  "We want, We want, We want your money!"

Okay, this time of year many of you are willing to part with it.  You're out there shopping like crazy!  

"Buy this, buy that, don't worry, someone will like it"

I can almost hear the bells chiming along:

"Spend Christmastime, merrily spend, 
                  buy everything, credit cards bend!"

But ... THERE IS EVIL PRESENT!!!!

Lurking on your receipts, you will find the nemesis of fair play.  It is there in plain sight, but most do not even think of looking for it.  Who would ever fool around during the most joyous season of the year?  No, not your friendly retail store that has all the sales going on ... they wouldn't dare!   

Or, would they?

Most states have laws on the books that make it illegal for a store to charge more for an item than it is priced on the shelf.  However, who will know if this act has taken place if they don't check their receipts?

Look at it this way.  You're at the mall.  You've spent hours shopping.  You're checking out at the register, but instead of watching or adding up the prices in your head, you're thinking about:

Why should I pay attention to what's on the receipt?
I've got so much to do!  It's only money!!!

1. How the hell you're going to get your car out of the cluster ____ of a parking lot outside
2. Who you still have to buy a pair of socks or some jockey underwear for as a gift  (*see Julie for suggestions)
3. What still needs to be wrapped at home before that joyous morning
4. The ass behind you with the crying kids that still want the package of Honey Boo Boo hair ribbons the mother has put back on the shelf three times
5. What your spouse is going to say when you tell them how much you've over spent on gifts
6. Or, quite possibly, what's taking the damn cashier so long because you've had to take a leak for the last 30 minutes and your bladder is about to explode!

The cashier tells you the amount due, you swipe your debit or credit card, get your receipt and grab your bags, and rush to escape the madness, or make it to the bathroom before you leave wet tracks on the floor.  (Fairly obvious when there's no rain or snow on the ground outside.)

Stores love these sort of emotional purchases and buying stress.  Why?  Because you don't check how much you were charged and find all the mistakes that just happened to be in the profit pocket of the retailer!

How dare you suggest we intentionally
mess with the prices around
Christmas Time!  That's only to pay
for the Christmas party we have.
We mess with it all year 'round!!

Now, many of you realize I embellish upon occasion, or use even nasty sarcasm to make a story funny.  It's what I do.  (If you enjoy it ... Great!  If you don't ... Sorry 'bout that!)  It's what I normally do.  

However, the following is an actual event and conversation that took place Tuesday.

I needed one item, some recordable DVD's.  (Yes, I still record DVD's of movies and documentaries on the non-commercial pay channels like HBO, MAX, STZ, SHO, TMC, etc.)   I drove to Big Lots, store #05125.  (I list the store # because I've already written to their home office about the incident.)  

Anyway, I walked to the DVD's, found a package of 50 with a shelf tagged price of $13.00, and took them to the register.  Like most stores, one register was open for over ten customers waiting.  Finally, another register opened as four more joined the line.  After a couple of checkouts, it was my turn.  Completing the ringing up of my item, the cashier saw the twenty in my hand (yes, I still use cash) and said, "Do you want me to take this out of the twenty?"

Now, normally, the price is given.  This time, it wasn't.  Automatically, I handed her the twenty.  She returned my change, a five and sixteen cents without counting, and said, "Merry Christmas!"  

I looked at the change and said, "How much did you charge me for these?"
Cashier:  "$14.00 plus tax is what they came up at."
Me:  "They're only $13.00 on the shelf."
Cashier:  "So."
Me:  "So, it's illegal to charge more for an item than what it's marked at on the shelf!"
Cashier:  "Don't worry about it.  It's only a dollar."
Me:  "That's right, it is ... MY dollar, not the store's."
Cashier:  "It's Christmas.  It's no big deal."
Me:  "I'm sure your corporate headquarters doesn't advertise to bring people in and then plan to steal from them.  I need to see a manager if you're not going to do what's right."
Cashier:  "Step over there and I'll get you one."

What does it take to stop the insanity of this cashier?
It's not that it's only a dollar, it's the principle of a store
stealing without any form of guilt involved!

So, I stepped to the area at the end of the register.  Immediately, the cashier took the next customer, and the next, and the next.  Finally, she turned around, saw me still there, turned back around shaking her head, and took the next customer.  

Ten minutes passed and she had not made the first move to get a manager.  Perhaps, she envisioned I would grow tired of the game and walk away.  I guess she's never dealt with one that has much more experience in life being an ass than she has!  (Not literally, of course, she had me beat there.  I don't think her tail had ever seen the light of day until she got the job she seemed to be totally enjoying!  Not trying to be crude, but she not only beeped when backing up, floodlights came on and a radar tower started turning!)

However, shall we say, "I'm beginning to get pissed!"  

When she finished with the customer, I stepped up to the counter and issued a strong, "Whoa!"

I continued, "You've ignored me for over ten minutes.  Now, you either get a damn manager up here, or I'm calling the police department and pressing charges against you for theft!  The gambit you've played is disgraceful and completely unacceptable to anyone with a hint of principle.  If you cherish your position, you'll listen to a person that is a District Manager for a national retail corporation and get your tail in gear ... now!"

I bought all this stuff and never once checked a
receipt.  I trust cashiers as they never make mistakes.
And, you know computers don't either!

Now, I'm no longer a DM, but she didn't know that.  Besides, it sounded like an intelligent statement to me!

She got on the phone, called to the back, and five minutes later a manager showed up.  Completely ignoring my presence, punched her code in the register, turned and walked away without a word.  No apology, no explanation, no nothing!  The cashier gave me my dollar and tax, and said, "I hope you're happy."

Needless to say, I returned the kindness of the store manager and cashier with an email to their corporate headquarters immediately.  Since I have yet to have a response received from them, all I can do is to envision the cashier getting an award for her tenacity to help out the company's profit margin.  ("And here's to the young lady that helped us to afford this year's Christmas and 4th of July get togethers!  Yay!!!!)

How dare you mess with my lunch
at Arbys!!!  Why, if I didn't give you
what you asked for, you'd keep the
stuff I wanted.  Why should I pay you
more than the marked price?

But, that's not all.

Wednesday, I went to Office Depot for some cd cases, as I'm making my son-in-law some mix cd's of some classic rock artists.  I went to the shelf, saw the price tag of $7.49, grabbed a package, and took them to the counter.  

Guess how much they stated I owed them?    
No, not $7.49 plus tax.  

$11.77!!!!   

This time, the cashier followed me to the rack, saw the tag and recognized that there was no way the cases should be priced that high, and corrected the pricing at the register.  This was done in less than two minutes.  However, if I had been thinking of something else, I would have given the store an extra couple of dollars.

Am I a cheapskate?  Damn straight!  Profit margins are already in the marked prices.  Anything over that is just additional money out of our pockets!  A dollar here, two dollars there, another one down the way, and you've given away lunch at Arbys!   (And the Lord knows I love my Bacon, Turkey, Ranch sandwiches from Arbys!)

Retailers, adding dollars to price lists in their computer
systems?  Why, they wouldn't do that ... would they?

Are retailers purposely marking items up in the computer?  Good question!  I have no proof, so to say so would be slander.  But, just think about this.  They know you're in a rush and not thinking about prices like you normally would as you're caught up in the season.  What better time for corporate to tell the price programmers for the registers to jack up the prices a dollar or two and certain items?  If they get caught, they'll simply say, "Oops" and change them back.  If they don't, it's profit!

So, beware of price changes that shouldn't change.  Look at your receipts, and give them hell when they try to say, "It's Christmas, don't worry about it!"

Or, if you wear your "Shopping Sucker" tag with pride, simply send all your extra, frivolous cash my direction and I'll say, "Thank You!"  

I'll even smile when I say it!  And, if you're not offended, I'll add, 

Merry Christmas!!

©Copyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved