Monday, August 12, 2013

Television Diseased and Award Madness: Flying Monkeys & Sideboobs

I have just completed 80 episodes of Dexter
the entire Sopranos series, all of HBO's Rome 
series, and the complete Deadwood series.  If 
you are what you watch, I am now an Italian 
cowboy that believes he's Julius Caesar killing 
bad guys and wrapping them in Saran Wrap.  I tote the dead bodies by my horse and buggy to my chariot that turns into a boat and row them out to sea where I drop them overboard 
while whistling Happy Trails.

My brain is gone.

This is interspersed with pre-season NFL action, Formula One Sports Car Racing, and my wife's addiction with America's Got Talent and Gator Boys.  So, in essence, I'm dreaming of tackling and being penalized for holding Heidi Klum while driving a sports car over Howard Stern, and loving Mel B as she dangles a screaming Howie Mandel as alligator bait 
just to see me smile.

I'm lost in a lost world.  
Where's the porn?

I wonder if the Wicked Witch of the West in the 
Wizard of Oz was into porn?  If so, is that what made her green?  She did live with flying monkeys.  Could she have been into bestiality?  Damn, didn't AIDS get started by sex with monkeys?  Could the Wicked Witch of the West have started that whole epidemic?  

Where's men of science when you need them?

That's right, they're still trying to figure out if too much TV can be bad for you.

My wife wants me to record the entire Sex In The City series from Showtime.  I'm afraid if I do, I'll end up in a divorce.  She'll come home some evening and there I'll be, waiting for the pill to kick in (while contemplating my bare naval) as four middle aged, hot chicks stand in the nude talking about past loves and extended battery life.  I remember the days when "getting a buzz" meant smoking a joint instead of sex toy noises.  How really good is that bunny?
Still, it has been a while since I've ... well, you know.

I remember a time when I enjoyed long, drawn out evenings of hot, passionate love making.  I guess I still do.  However, my new neighbors need to leave their curtains open just a little wider.  Not really a fun couple, if you know what I mean.

Yes, I've been watching newscasts about KGB ... er ... NSA spying techniques.  I figure if the government can get away with it, so can I.  Now, I just have to convince the local authorities of that.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be like either James Bond, or Napoleon Solo from the Man From U.N.C.L.E. television series.  (If you don't remember, U.N.C.L.E. stood for the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement.  I know, too much useless information!)  Both demonstrated that the life of a spy/secret agent was filled with excitement and beautiful women.
There are things I can't talk about or I may not be around any longer.
Either that, or you might not be.  Remember, NSA is watching!

I'll have to check to see if they're watching my neighbors have sex ... too!

Lizzi, from Considerings, bestowed upon me an award the other day.  I'm still not real clear on why I deserved this award, but it supposedly shows a woman's side boob.  Obviously, I couldn't resist displaying it here.

Considerings Award Presentation Post

Personally, I think it looks like a rear side head view of a lipstick wearing cat.  
But what do I know?

As Lizzi says, "This is an exclusive award of brazenness and hilarity, which will grow slowly (or not at all) and be valued by recipients everywhere as a symbol of their awesomeness."

I think Lizzi's been watching too many award shows.   

The rules state:
     1)  Be brazen enough to display it on your blog.
     2)  Nominate another blogger.

Simple enough!  

I have displayed the award, and in completing my task, nominate Michael John Mele at 

MJM does a tremendous job of hitting topics above and beyond the realm of the normal writer.  I won't even go into the topics he covers as you need a grand awakening to the realm he rules without challenge.   Don't delay.  Give him a chance ... it's almost as good as porn ... almost!    

So, I have now done my part.  A brazen boob is displaying a side boob award and has given it to an insane boob (not really but it was too good to pass up ... sorry, Michael).  I  now display the side boob with pride (or a PG-13 Rating by the Politically Correct Blog Association Assh**es of America).  

I think it's time for me to cool off.  Ice Road Truckers is on.  It's ice cubes in the bathtub and shrunken genitalia for sure.  The Titanic in the frozen North is only a tugboat.

Time to look at the side boob again 
and warm up!
(Is it really yours, Lizzi?)

Here kitty,kitty kitty!


  1. I think you let Gabriela sway you on that interpretation! Still, it was a chance to share my lovely perky sideboob award on your blog and talk about porn for a bit. And cats. So I'm quite sure you're happy now.

    1. Lizzi - So good of you to drop by! (Especially since you stuck me with that award, lol) Actually, Gabriela had nothing to do with the photo. It was all Faletame. When he suggested the lipstick he almost scared me for a moment. Will be interesting to see if this thing takes off ... you know, as in gets popular ... well, I know boobs are already popular, but I'm talking about the award ... I think ... Like I said, it's been a while! lol Many Thanks!

    2. Well when you unglue your keyboard and wipe off your screen, the lipstick on the cat/boob/monster doesn't look *too* bad...if you're into that kinda thing. And what you do in your own time...

      Your cats are mad! I'm thinking they should probably be unleashed on the cute-but-annoying shark-cat and give us all a laugh.

      And as to whether or not it takes off...we shall see indeed. Beginning to wish I'd somehow monetised the award, I mean, when people distribute their sideboobs around the internet, they tend to be paid at least.

    3. Lizzi, Lizzi - I can't help what the cats do at times. They keep telling me that the mouse doesn't fit their paws to well, but I'd be afraid to see what they'd do if it did! They're willing to each contribute one can of Little Friskies to the cause if it will help. Gabriela didn't really like the idea, but the fact that you remember her name made her feel somewhat obligated. You're doing a great job of staying on her good side! lol Many Thanks!

    4. Well that's mighty fine of her. Of both of them.

      Now if only I could get them into the arena with Shark-Kitty and sell pay-per-view tickets to see the cosplay cat get it's little blue heinie handed to it...

      THEN we're talking sponsored Golden Sideboob.

  2. Reading your blog is like wandering thru some warped Land of Oz while tripping on acid and holding hands with Willy Wonka. But nicely told. I'm going to check myself into a detox center now....

    1. Terrye - Good to see you here! I keep wondering why Tim Burton hasn't called yet for the remake rights, but then again, he'll probably just steal the ideas. lol Good luck with detox! Many Thanks!

    2. Terrye, my head is spinning. You are so right. Where is that detox center?

    3. Kerri - You remember. Right after you went past the Wal-Mart, there was that turn into Hillbilly Haven that you took! Then, you went six blocks, got out of your car, walked up the stairs, went thru the building and down the back fire escape until you hit the 13th floor. You walked past the cupcake shop and the lollipop guild, turned a complete circle four times, and took the fire pole down to the basement. At that point you pole danced for 30 minutes until a secret door opened to the left and the alien with the anal probe stuck his head out and hollered, "Next!" It's the same place as last time you went, my dear, the very same place. Terrye's waiting! :)

    4. (I knew it - I just KNEW it! This is why Terrye's not scary - she's just mainlining the internet from within the padded cell of the *ahem* 'detox centre')

      Kerri - I thought better of you (though after your FB post the other day, I was beginning to wonder)

  3. The thing I find most extraordinary about your extraordinary tale is that, although I apparently watch as much if the boob tube as you, we have precisely zero TV programs in common - if we were to diagram our TV tastes as intersecting circles, the two circles would just sit next to each other like Marty Feldman's bulging eyeballs.

    Enjoyed the pst, especially the gag about enjoying passion through the curtain.

    1. John - So good of you to visit, sir! I sincerely watch very little television. Even though it is going constantly (mostly due to my wife's viewing habits) I'm usually at the computer in the corner listening at best. The series were recorded for future viewing, should I ever have the time to simply sit back and squander time. They'll probably become garage sale heirlooms, but the thought was there. College basketball is my one true weakness. However, as I'm finding more and more games being decided by officiating instead of the players, I'm even becoming disgusted with that. Cynicism is a friend of the old age farts, you know. Glad you enjoyed this. Many Thanks!

  4. Boobs in profile, voyeurism, bestiality, self-abuse, shriveled todgers, exhibitionism, sex toys - this is my kind of blog.

    In the words of Arnold, "I'll be back!"

    1. Bryan - Thanks for dropping by. Glad this hit your fancy. I aim to please, though usually find some put off by the topics. lol I'll be looking for you in the future. Many Thanks!

  5. Thank you so much kind freaking rock. I appreciate the love, coming from you that means a lot. One day I hope to be as good as you, but until then I'll just sniff your butt and hump your leg...if you don't mind.

    1. MJM - Wondered where you were at, my friend! You deserve this. I can't think of another blog (honestly, my mind's dead right now) that could display this badge with such dignity ... well, semblance of dignity ... well, color coordination as yours! :) You're a great writer and deserve more ... and one day you'll receive it! (Probably when I'm dead and gone, but you'll receive it!) lol Easy on the leg, my wife's ironing isn't the best. Many Thanks!

  6. hahaha that sideboob is the most playful I've ever seen.
    Do NOT get the bunny. Just don't. Game changer, not in the good way.

    1. Joy - Good of you to stop by. The sideboob is an interesting concept, but I'm not sure how well it really sits on the blog. Bunny? That sounds like the voice of experience! However, I'll do my best to remain a gentleman and not inquire further. :) Many Thanks!