Thursday, July 18, 2013

Bitching, Church and God's Sense Of Humor!!! (FTSF)

Rich's Dad Is A Tight Muth ... Shut Your Mouth ...
I Was Only Talking About His ...Oh forget it!
"My father is such a tight ass that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Gerbils has him on their
10 Most Wanted List!!!"

No, I haven't been asking him for money.  Those days passed by a long time ago.  I haven't extra needed money to go out on a date in over 33 years, or ever since I married my wife. 

She doesn't go out much.  Sad thing is, she doesn't allow me  date others either. 


OMG, I just turned every female in Blogland against me!  Would it help if I told you that 
I've been calling her that for 33 years, and that it is actually a sign of achievement?

How about if I offered you free lunch at Taco Hell?

Please, Please, No More Taco Hell!!!!!
God, the dogs are already 
barking outside!

See, when I first met my wife, 
I didn't know that she was a manic depressive.  

(I thought she was just bummed out after seeing me for the first time, or really just a bitch!)  

In fact, the only reason I asked her out for a pizza after first meeting her was that she was so bummed out, I wanted to  put a smile on her face.

No, not with a magic marker! 
A real "hey, look at me, I'm happy" type of smile!

After we were wed, I took it upon myself to end her depression.  
(No, I didn't shoot her for insurance money ... although now that I think about it...)  

Every time she would start to moan or groan 
(Which never happened during sexual activity.), 
(That may have happened during sexual activity!)  
I'd put on my sweetest smile and in my most gentle tones of sarcasm retort,

"Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!"

It wasn't say that she was a bitch 
(even though she was damn good at it when she wanted to be, as most women are), 
it was basically allowing her to see herself from the eyes of another, and to bring an awareness to what was taking place.  
(Plus, it was fun making her believe that load of crap, hee hee!) 

As time marched on, like her elephant stump ankles, she gradually lessened the need to repeat it three times.  So, in reward, I'd simply say,

"Bitch, Bitch!"

She noticed that I had dropped one of the bitches immediately!  
(She didn't know I had a couple of others on the side.)  
Her response to minus one bitch was amazing!  She became happier and more positive in her attitude.  Thus, although somewhat painful, it didn't take long for me to validate dropping another bitch from my psychological form of treatment.  So,  
became a term to be used to describe a long and painful journey that had brought her depression out into the open so that it could be seen and slowly destroyed.

And, it was a hell of a lot cheaper, and a whole lot more fun for me, 
than buying her Prosaic! 

Now, if I don't call her "Bitch" when I talk to her, she thinks that I'm trying to hide something.  
So, I plead with you to please understand that after 33 years of marriage

Sometimes ... Life's a Bitch!  
But, That's Life ... Sometimes!!!
(OMG ... I just slipped in another shameless promo for my blog!!!)
"Rich, you bastard you!!!"

So, why am I here again?  I'm not your father!
Oh, and you're probably wondering why I started off this whole thing talking about my father, right?  There's only one answer I can give to that. 

I had to start it off with something!!!

Okay, so something we can't bitch about is that it is once again,

Finish The Sentence Friday. 
Here's the obligatory JPEG:
Just in case you've been hiding in the bushes for the last six months or so (be careful, there are those that will give you a major rash), Finish The Sentence Friday is where our wonderful hostesses throw out the beginning of a thought and we are supposed to enlighten you with a tale of daring and excitement.  Sometimes it's fairly easy and sometimes, they make it difficult.  (This may be one of those "difficult" weeks ... we'll see!)  

This week, their prompt is:

"In church (place of worship), I learned to ..."

(Thanks hostesses, you're really testing my limits this week!)

So, without further ado ....

"In church (place of worship), I learned to ...
understand that God has got to have
a tremendous sense of humor!"

"Hallelujah" sisters and brothers, I say, "Hallelujah to all of ye!"  "God", I say "God, does indeed have a tremendous sense of humor!  I am a personal witness to that!" 

"What?" You ask!  "What are you saying, Brother Rich?  Have you been present to see God's sense of humor?  Please tell us, brother, please tell us more" you say!"

"We are all in the presence of the Lord in everything we say and everything you do!  Yes, even when you're picking your nose in your car and you think no one can see you ... God can see you, and makes it so everyone see's you!"  Not only is God laughing, brothers and sisters, but the whole world is laughing at you right along with him!

"Now, did God not make man in his own image?"  "Yes", brothers and sisters, "Yes" the Bible tells you God made man in his own image!  So, "how do I know that God has a sense of humor", you ask?  "What does making man in his own image have anything to do with humor?  Do we all not have basically the same shape?"

I want one of those, and those, and those, and those, and those, and ...
"Friends, have you ever seen the shoppers 
at Wal-Mart?"

"Can I have an AMEN?"  


Shout it loud, brothers and sisters, shout it loud and shout it proud!  Wal-Mart, that home of heathen shrinking underwear and supporting benefactor of homeless wages, proves every day that God has a sense of humor simply by opening its doors and presenting the "Wal-Mart Sexy Shopper Sensual Revue!" 

Okay, so it's 25 points for adults,
but you only get 10 for babies?

Yes, God loves a good laugh. 

Why else would God allow man the common sense to build sidewalks to keep from being hit by cars, and then create joggers to run in the middle of the damn road?!?!?!?

Hallelujah and Hit 'Em Hard!!!

So, yes, my splintered family of the hardwood pews, I have learned in church that God enjoys a good sense of humor.  From the bottom of the soul to the top of the North Pole with Mr. and Mrs. Claus, a giggle, a smirk, a smile, a full hearted belting out, and even tears of joy make God recognize that he indeed did something right to benefit all alive.  A smile a day will relieve the tension that others that don't have apples will create, and allow you a break from the reality of the moronic misery that surrounds our daily lives.  He knew what he was doing when he developed humor. 

And, lastly, church tells us we're not to question God.  Still, I'd like an explanation as to what in the Hell went wrong when he allowed Honey Boo Boo to be born!
Zis Boom Bah, Zis Boom Bah
Plant the Seed, Plant the Seed
Ignore my Heed, Ignore my Heed

Honey Boo Boo!!!!!!

All The Proof Ever Needed



  1. Amen to most of that.

    But Honey Boo Boo's hilarious, and made in His likeness too - it's not her fault, is it, that she's been turned into what she is today, poor kid.

    You're right about the sense of humour, though - a vital weapon and armour at the same time.

    I'm glad you've found a way that works with your wife. Perhaps if I start calling Husby a bell-end, he'd think more carefully about how he's coming across and the way his negative attitudes affect others (i.e. me!).

    1. Lizzi - Good to see you! I do feel sorry for Honey Boo Boo. I feel as though her days are numbered though as she is quickly leaving the realm of a beauty queen diva and entering into the trailer park image, like her parents. We do have to laugh. If God didn't want us to do so, why else would he have given us the sense of humor? There used to be a comedian on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour in the late 1960's by the name of Pat Paulson that would do the triple bitch thing. I was actually mimicking him when I did it, although I don't think her parents ever let her watch the show. lol Besides, being a blonde, there's not a whole lot that my wife catches on to without explanation. Some sort of bleach poisoning I guess! :) Many Thanks!

  2. Seriously, Rich I was so wondering where you were going with this and then you ended with Honey Boo Boo. I must agree on that alone God must have a sense of humor!! Seriously, great post and thank you for linking this up with us as always!!

    1. Janine, what can I say? I travel strange and mysterious roadways at times! lol God has got to have a sense of humor ... otherwise, I'd be dead by now! I believe he knows I'm just trying to relieve the tension of the crowd, and it was the day he decided to sit in the front row of the club, where you always get picked on. It's all in good fun! Glad you enjoyed!

  3. I have to say, when I saw this week's prompt I was both excited and fearful where you would go with it. First, I never expected you to open with calling your wife a bitch. Let alone living after that and going on to explain God's sense of humor. I have to ponder, after surviving your wife's wrath and His thunderbolt when you wondered about him on his throne I have to ask....

    Do you like poking the bear?

    1. Kerri - Sincerely good to see you again! One never knows where they may travel once the fingers start pecking away ... especially me! lol It just seemed to be the natural progression of things that transpired, and, as you know, I've never been one to stay away from sensitive subject matter. My wife got over it years ago, and really, it's just another word without deorgatory meaning to her. Now, God ... well, he must be laughing, too. Otherwise, I'm in for big trouble when I finally leave this world. lol Just remember, if you don't go to the edge, you miss the excitement! Many thanks!

  4. Couldn't help but read this post in a televangelist voice in my head LOL. Maybe if you can eliminate that final "bitch" from the equation, you'll start hearing those moans and groans in all the right places. ;)

    1. Chris - Really good of you to visit! You read it exactly the way it was meant to be read. Glad you picked up on it! I think it came across a little stronger that way! lol The only bad thing about eliminating the final "bitch", would be that I would then be left alone to furnish all the sounds. Believe me, I'm not that vocal! Not during sex, anyway ... damn, it could scare the cats!!!! lol Many Thanks!

  5. Well, you and God have that in common then! Your People of Walmart big and Honey Boo Boo made me laugh out loud (and the Taco Bell pooping dog...) and your Wife/Bitch section made me shake my head. Your wife must be some kind of hero! And Chris Coyle's comment cracked me up!

    1. Stephanie - Great to see you again! In common? Honey Boo Boo? Believe me, I had nothing to do with that one. You can blame a lot of things on me, but in no way did I have anything to do with the creation of Honey Boo Boo!!! I mean, I've been drunk and done some stupid things in my younger years, but "no", I've never been THAT drunk!!! Oh ... sense of humor ... "I'm sorry!" Thanks for the compliment! :) My wife is really a wonderful woman ... or so she constantly reminds me. I asked her last night "Between 1 and 10, where do you rank yourself?" She got really fed up and replied, "You know I'm blond, chew gum and am from Alabama ... who can count to 10?" Many thanks!

  6. OMG. Ok so if I ever want to snap you out of something, I have your permission to call you a bitch, right, Bitch? (uh oh did I go too far? no, it's impossible to go to far with Rich and if nothing else, buy him a dinner from taco hell and stop letting your dog poop on his lawn and all will be right with the world. phew.)
    I am proud to say that I have never watched Honey Boo Boo. However, gigantically fat people are fascinating in real life. My husband is from Tennessee, a small mountain town near the Virginia border (hence the term hillbillies). The Walmart there is the BEST ever. Within 20 minutes, you will see several mullets, confederate flag shirts and ginormously fat people buying cheetos in bulk.

    1. Kristi - You Go Girl!!! Dis is da baddest bitch this side of prison!!! lol You'll never offend me, my friend. How can you offend the offender? :) You know I just take something and ramble with it. Where it ends up is where it ends up, so it was obviously meant to be. Perhaps, it's divine intervention! At least, it's not immaculate conception! Do you realize that's just another phrase for clean sex! Kind of like, "Take a shower before you come to bed if you want any of this! And, forget to dirty condoms! I want it clean!!!" OMG, did I just type all of that? Kentucky Wally Worlds are very similar to the Tennessee one you describe. Only here, they load up on flour and eggs, too, as they liked their Cheetos deep fried! Many thanks!

  7. Truly, I'm not skimming and commenting on the first and last sentences. Seriously, I had just finished dinner and truly didn't expect to see a dog taking a dump. You bitch. ;) And, yes, I think God must have a sense of humor. After all, he gave man two heads and only enough blood to run one of them at a time. ;)

    1. Terrye - Thanks for stopping it! I would never suspect you of skimming! You're too picky to do that! lol Hope your dinner wasn't Taco Hell! Deja Vu, huh? You're last statement is true! But you gotta say, at least a guy's got an option! Many thanks!

  8. Oh my! If my husband tried that tactic, he would only get through one "bitch" before I would remove his balls. I'm glad it worked on your wife, though. She's a stronger woman than I am.

    I also think God has a good sense of humor, especially in church. I remember years ago there were 3 different people who stumbled after communion and my mom and I laughed so hard we cried because clearly the wine was extra strong. God definitely got a chuckle about this.

    1. Lisa - So good of you to visit! I hear your hubby sings tenor these days! lol Actually, what I omitted, was that I always did it with a smile, so that she knew I wasn't insulting her. I preceded it, of course, by telling her a story about one of my employees that always said, "You know" after every sentence. Until he recognized what he was doing, he didn't realize he was driving everyone crazy by doing it. So, I applied the same concept to her. Seriously, it worked wonders. At first, she'd get defensive. But after I'd require her to express her feelings about her negativity, she started seeing that it was usually a ridiculous act, and helped her to develop her reasoning somewhat. Love your story about church. I can see them jumping up in the middle of the service to go pee! lol Many Thanks!

  9. You have such an original mind, Rich! I loved "bitch as a sign of achievement" although my mind went elsewhere thinking she might be a shrieking violet who is learning how to be more assertive, but why do I have to make everything about me...? I also agree that God must have a sense of humour, or at least that that was one of his greatest gifts to us. You've made my Saturday morning!

    1. Katia - Your words are only too kind! It has to be original because no one else would claim it! lol It really helped her to see what she was saying, and how often she presented a negative image that brought on her depressiveness. Once she saw what she was doing to influence her attitude, she changed it and things got remarkably better. I have to give her credit as she's 100% better today than she was back then. And God may (or may not) understand how much his gift has meant to me over the years. I'm just hoping he realizes how much I appreciate it. Many Thanks!

  10. What's wrong with Honey Boo Boo's mom's arms?? THAT looks freaky. I think god (in whom I don't believe) sent us the "People of Walmart" website to feel better about ourselves..

    I agree, why was Honey Boo Boo born. Makes no sense to me, except that I add that to my list of "Proof that God does not exist" ;-)

    1. Stephanie - So good of you to visit! I hadn't noticed, but her arms do look freaky. Kind of like Popeye's arms used to be drawn like, but at both the tops and bottoms. Must be the affects of that good ol' country lard! lol What's really sad is that Honey Boo Boo is on the same body path as the rest of her family. It won't be long before we read about her as a former child star with an addiction to Twinkies! Many Thanks!

  11. OMG...I can't stop laughing...OMG OMG OMG...I think all those are signs that people have let God go from their life or are worshiping things other than God...that has to be the only reason...LOL...I just can;'t....Following you now.

    1. Karen - Hallelujah there's a new member in the cong GRA ga SHUN !!! LOL Good to meet you my new friend! Am glad you enjoyed this little piece. I have strong feelings about religion even though some may doubt that. I seriously do believe God wants man to laugh and relax himself from his daily stress. The greatest gift he gave is the ability to cast away pride laugh at ourselves ... as well as others! lol Keep smiling! Many Thanks!