Saturday, March 8, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: A Look at Death and the Academy Awards

Visit ALL the Great Thankful Hops HERE!!!
I'm writing this on Wednesday evening.  

(No, I'm not so excited that
 I can't wait to do it.)

Unfortunately, I just received word that a relative of mine just passed away ... kicked the bucket ... hit the final home run ... played his last role in the game of life ... visited his last porn site ... died.

With his funeral on Friday morning, and with me working another 12 hour day on Thursday, there really isn't any way to get this done other than to do it right now.  Thus, here I am.

Don't feel sad for me.  Besides at the funerals of others, I haven't really sat down and talked with him in over forty years.  Oh, he sent me plenty of anti-Obama emails and such (most of which I glanced at and deleted), and even a few of semi clad females. (Of which I must admit, he had a great eye for!)  Still, it has been so long that I've forgotten most of what we used to talk about.

Golf ... that was his passion.  My father could never understand why he loved the game so dearly.  (Obviously, my father never picked up a club in his life.)  But, even during our rare family visits to his home, he always had the Sunday afternoon PGA golf event playing on the television.

So much for my trip down memory lane.  I know I'll change my attitude after visiting and talking with the family.  And, I hope the survive this rough time.

I'm not sure that I'll recognize him.  It's always difficult to see someone lying prone and say, "Oh yeah, he looks so natural!"  How would one know that unless they'd seen him lying prone with his eyes closed multiple times!  Think about it.  How many times have you seen members of your outer family group lying on their backs.  Let me rephrase that question, "How many of you that don't live in Mississippi or Eastern Kentucky have experience seeing members of your outer family group lying on their backs?"  (Well, you know, "If she's good enough for dad ... ")

I have no recollection of ever seeing this relative lying on his back with his eyes closed.  What if I go into the wrong room of the funeral home?  How will I know if I'm looking at the right corpse or not?  

"Wow, you mean this isn't him?  
Damn, looks just like him to me!  
Are you sure it isn't him?"

What really bothers me is when the deceased wears glasses, and they put the glasses on them in the casket!  I've never worn my glasses to bed, so why would I wear them lying on my back in a casket?  Do they think I'm going to pop up and ask for my laptop or something?  What if you were looking down at the deceased and his eyes popped open?  

"Hey, just wanted to see who was visiting!  Wow, you look so natural, too!"

I have a feeling you'd crap yourself.  Then, you'd get to hear the stupid uncle come into the room and say something like, "Damn, who died in here?  What the hell did he eat before he clocked out, anyway?"

Another thing ... have you ever noticed how funerals tend to be judging contests?  It's like American Idol, but here you're rated for you energy level, health problems, and length of term before you're going to be the one everyone comes to visit ... lying prone!  It's kind of like:

"And there he is entering the funeral home!  Looking good, today, plenty of zip to the step.  Oh, he stumbles on the carpet and squints while writing his name in the guest register.  That's a hidden problem, folks.  First the eyes go and then the body!  He's not as good at remembering names of relatives this time around, either!  In fact, I'd say the mind is going fast!  His color is good, so I'm guessing he'll do fine for another year or two of hard work before we see him in the casket for good!  Well done, my friend, well done!"

Anyway, Friday will be a busy day for me as it's a three hour drive there, the funeral, a three hour drive back, a stop at Best Buy to pick up this week's release of the new Hunger Games Blu-Ray, a quick check-in at work, and then home to watch the movie and publish this post in the hop.  Hop?  Yeah, you know the one ...

Ten Things Of Thankful!

First, I'd like to say that our hosts ... all of them ... do a great job in hosting this hop.  To see them jumping from post to post like a frat boy in a sorority house makes ones heart swell with wonderment.  All should take lessons from their efforts and learn.

Okay, enough butt kissing for today!  
Yeah, I'm boring, too!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Academy Awards.  From all reports, they were as boring as I imagined them being when I decided not to watch them.  However, the pizza joint that supplied the pizzas has had a great boost in business.  Funny how that seems to be the most important topic of a three hour television program.  (No anchovies, actors, actresses, or boring speeches ... please!)

2)  Burger King's Big Fish Sandwich 2 for $5 special.  How else could I make myself sick and vow never to eat them again if I hadn't of taken advantage of this televised treat?  And, what's with this whip cream atop the chocolate milkshake that's so thick it doubles for window caulking?

"Remember, we cover anything,
until you need us!"
3)  Nationwide Insurance.  What a wonderful company!  Years ago, I discovered they required me to take a vehicle to a certain body shop, locally known for poor quality and escalated prices.  More recently, they notified me that just because I was driving a car, it didn't mean they covered me or the vehicle while doing so.  And, now, they add over $90 a month to my bill for the new car I purchased for my wife!

Yes, Nationwide, I thank you for your continuing surprises, lack of customer service, and outrageous charges.  After twenty years of doing business with you, this loyal customer has found Geico.  They seem to be much more "On My Side" than you do, so bye-bye!

4)  Pope Francis.  How would you like to be the Pope and get your own magazine?  Yep, a magazine entitled, "My Pope" is going to be published weekly and entirely devoted to the Pope.  Now, think about it, how much can one person do in a week to have a weekly magazine devoted to them.  I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of pictures.  (See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope defecating breakfast.  See the Pope eating lunch.  See the Pope eating dinner.  See the Pope sleeping at night.  See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope taking a laxative.)
"Yes, my name is Putin tane,
ask me again and I'll say the same!"

5)  Russian President Vladimir Putin.  President Putin has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  He joins the ranks of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Rush Limbaugh in being so nominated.  When asked what they thought of the nomination, citizens in the Ukraine stated, "None of us nominated the mutha f**ker!"

6)  SAT Test Requirements.  As Americans grow more and more stupid thanks to the government's "No Child Gets Ahead" regulations, the SAT has been forced to change.  Now, essay questions are optional and there is no penalty for wrong answers.  Says one high schooler after taking the new test, "I kin't wait ta go ta coolage.  Mama alway tol' me if I paid detention en listened to rappers, I cud amount ta sumthin!"

7)  The Moon.   The United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs has determined that no one owns the moon for now.  Millions of moon creatures are celebrating with the knowledge they won't be taxed by the United States or Russia or China for anything.  Said one moon creature, "They all full of space doodoo if they think we're gonna pay them anything.  Fact is, they still owe us for all the trash they left here last time they visited!"

8)  Justin Bieber jail pictures.  More Justin Bieber jail pictures have been released by the arresting police department.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Iffin' I don't lick my fingers,
does that count as a diet?"

9)  Mississippi.  This year's winner of the Most Obese Population State is Mississippi!   Turns out, fried shrimp, fried okra, fried chicken, fried catfish, fried chicken fried steak, and fried pork chops tend to stay with a person for a while.  Said one Mississippi resident, "Who gives a damn iffin' we fat?  Hell, tha eatin's good.  Pull yerself up a bench and grab a plate!"

10)  Third Graders caught smoking pot.  Three third graders at a Northern California elementary school were caught smoking pot in the Boys Bathroom last week.  Since all of them are under the age of twelve, it is questionable as to if any will face criminal charges.  Officials stated that they will first have to determine if the boys knew right from wrong.  An intelligent person might ask, "Do the officials know right from wrong in even thinking about prosecuting 8 and 9 year olds for something that's legal for any adult in the state suffering with a hang nail?"

So, that's it!  Another week of thankful to be thankful for.  Be sure to visit the other blogs in the hop and see what really being thankful means.  

Meanwhile, I'm going to a funeral.  If I can't figure out which one is which, I might have to stay for two.  

Wish me luck!


Hey, before you go ... I hope you enjoyed the smile today!  If you did, how about giving my other entry this week a little love.  No, it's not a humor post nor is it a political rant.  Instead, this is one that you'd do better reading on a sunshiny day instead of a dark night.  If you like mystery with a hint of the unknown visit it at

Visit "From Whom Are You Hiding" HERE!!! 
 Many Thanks!


  1. ....the Pope on his back....
    I once went to the wrong funeral...long story.
    off to read your other entry....

    1. Zoe - Thanks for stopping in! Love to hear your story sometime. It's got to be an interesting one. Many Thanks!

  2. A chucklingly (*have I invented a new word?*) entertaining read, as always. I particularly enjoyed your comments about SAT tests and Mississippi. Not to mention your aspersions about inbreeding in Eastern Kentucky - hilarious!

    I hope you found the right casket!

    1. Gary - Good to see you again, my friend. New word ... quite possibly ... I'll have to look it up and see if it qualifies for adverb use! lol Glad you enjoyed this piece. The SAT's do bother me somewhat. It's not enough we raise a generation of idiots. Now, we have to adjust testing to hide the facts, as well as lower the standards. One has to wonder about the generations affecting these changes, too. And, luckily, had no problems at the funeral home. I guess it helped that he was the only one there Friday. lol Many Thanks!

  3. Bwahaha. I am dying...DYING from laughing about your response to the SATs. Yes, let's just make it easier for the idiots to pass the SATs and go to college. That's a brilliant move. NOT. Let's watch as the need for remedial English in college skyrockets! *bangs head on desk*

    1. Kim - Really happy you visited! Adjusting the SAT's to hide the fact that we've raised a generation of technical idiots is scary. If they're willing to hide this now, what will future generations do as the trend continues. The "sweeping it under the rug" concept has never worked before, but of course, that's why they're trying it again! Scary, isn't it? Glad you enjoyed this piece. Many Thanks!

  4. Is it sick that I enjoy funerals because they double as family reunions? When do you see these cousins otherwise?

    My ringtone on my phone is the Geico pig squealing. Not that it has anything to do with your insurance, but I thought it was a fun fact worth sharing.

    Putin a Nobel Prize nominee? Makes it as worthless of a prize as a good SAT score.

    1. Dyanne - Really good seeing you here. No, not sick at all. There are so many that look at them that way, I wonder at times if the person lying in the casket isn't upstairs going, "Hey, did you all forget about me???" lol Seriously, I saw it many times on Friday. Why do I see this pig with his head out of a car window squealing as he holds a pinwheel in my mind? lol I don't see any politician deserving of a peace prize. Since they're only puppets of corporations, perhaps someone should nominate Exxon! Many Thanks!

  5. Well didn't Obama get a peace prize? Man's started more wars than any of the others, from where I can see...and Cameron and the rest are just as bad.

    Still, just goes to show that a nobel prize, like an oscar, is full of subjective opinion and of no real value.

    At least there's still pizza.

    THANK YOU for being appreciative of the hard, hard work my co-hosts do to keep this hop fun and chatty. They do so, so well :) They're awesome and totally deserve a shout out. Thanks for giving them one :D

    Off to read your wond'rous tale now...

    1. Hey Sis - Yep, Obama did. Show you how little it takes to win one, doesn't it? Btw, make mine a Supreme with everything except anchovies if you don't mind. lol Happy to spread the wealth amongst all those that work so hard. All of you do a great job! I only wish I had the time to get to more blogs in the hop the way I used to be able to. Many Thanks!

  6. Good luck :-)
    And yeal the news about the SAT is painful.
    Putin should go soak his head, I love Mississippi, the Pope, and stand by Moon Creatures everywhere!

    1. Lisa - Nice to see you visiting! Thank You! I did fine there ... especially since my relative was the only one there. lol There is so much stupidity in the world anymore, one wonders what will be the norm in thirty years. I once saw a movie about the world getting more and more ignorant as the population increases according to income class. As less educated multiplied four to five times faster than the educated, intelligence dwindled and stupidity became the norm. There are times I wonder if this wasn't more of a warning from a time traveler instead of simply a poorly produced comedy. lol Many Thanks!

  7. Good luck! (Which isn't usually what I say to someone on their way to a funeral, but you asked. . .)

    I don't have Geico, but the gecko is cute. Hope you're happy with your new company.

    1. Kristi - Thank you for coming by once again! Thanks for wishing me "Good Luck." Things worked out well (I usually don't say that about funerals either, lol). Nationwide simply did several things of late to destroy my faith in them, as well as overcharge. I've questioned their increases for several years, but stayed with them because of my longevity with them. This time, they simply went too far in overcharging and under delivering for my loyalty. I'm sure they're worried to death about losing one customer. lol But, voicing discontent can sometimes provide contentment. :) Many Thanks!

  8. No.#6 and #9 OMG so true!!! I call it the dumbing of America. As for the food----this is like people who sue McDonalds because they became obese from eating their food. I want to scream loudly in their ears, "USE SOME SELF CONTROL, YOU EFF-ING IDIOTS!!!"

    1. Marcia - Thanks so much for stopping in. I've had 'puter problems and unable to answer comments for a few days. My apologies. I believe it is the goal of the government to make America stupid. As crazy as that may sound, they've done nothing but provide educational obstacle for any student that wishes to excel and prove themselves a superior mind. However, the lack of common sense comes from lack of proper parenting. Seems like since we've validated children (never taught moral values) having children (who can't learn from those that don't know), the country has gone downhill. Along with the PC movement, it's only a matter of heard before most are cattle dragging their tongues awaiting direction from a government that has no concerns for the general public. Damn scary if you ask me. As in your example, a simple lesson in moderation would suffice many. But, the question is, "Without the original teaching, do they even care about their weight or other things most of us watch automatically?" I think the sad answer if evident. Many Thanks!

  9. As always, there is so much goodness here I almost have to take notes on my thoughts. I know, just what you wanted, a reading assignment! I'm glad you started this early, thank you! I have to start my TToT early almost every week, I already have one item for next week that I just found.
    Sorry for your loss. Only YOU can make funeral talk hilarious. "...visited his last porn site." I feel like he is honored you remember him in that way. Why else would he email nudie pics? I didn't know guys did that. Interesting.
    Sorry about the insurance, that's a kick in the crotch. Insurance is one of the FEW things we pay extra for, after hearing others' horror stories at times of crisis. Insurance companies should be called out on that crap more. Not that we need yet another government department set up for that, just saying.
    I predict Pope calendars:
    January: Pope in the snow
    April: Pope with a bunny
    July: Pope with a sparkler
    December: Pope on Santa's lap and a lifetime of therapy for children everywhere.

    I predict one day my children will look up at the moon through a telescope on a school field trip and see a flashing neon sign, "The Moon: Brought to you by Coca-Cola" and 10 other ads for giant corporate conglomerates.
    Congrats Mississippi, way to bacon up those greens!

    1. Joy - As you know, I've had 'puter problems for the last few days. So sorry about being late answering here. OMG, I hadn't planned on these posts becoming classes! lol I try to find humor in all topics. I think we all take life much too seriously, for the most part. Life is so much more fun wearing a smile each day. The funeral? Well, it was a funeral. I survived (which is better than I can say for the deceased.) :) The Pope? Well, there were many scenarios I decided to bail out on. I'm figuring the Vatican is in need of funding and willing to sue those of us that go over the edge. Besides, with Easter coming up, I didn't want to hex the Easter Bunny's visit! Can't tell you how much I enjoy your comments every week. Many Thanks!