I’m feeling
somewhat guilty about posting recently.
Like, that
ever bothered me before.
Since
deciding to take a vacation from writing, I’ve encountered physical stress of
sorts.
My clumsy
ass fell (thanks to an unexpected pavement drop off), tore up my ankle
ligaments, ripped the membrane between my tibia and fibula, and broke my
fibula.
No,
regardless of popular opinion, it did not happen as I was kicking my wife’s
ass. I’m the gentle type.
Actually,
today is our 34th wedding anniversary.
Now you know
the real reason I chose to write this tonight.
No, romantic evenings of candlelight, wine, and hot passionate
lovemaking are no longer on my agenda.
Unless, of course, my neighbors happen to leave their curtains open wide
enough.
I, also,
reached a milestone this week. Many
years ago, I felt as though I would never make it to the age of forty. My lifestyle, being an adrenaline rush
addict, pretty much dictated I wouldn’t be around long enough to see how all my
life’s injuries would feel in later years.
Unfortunately, broken bones, tissue damage from venomous reptile bites,
and joint stress from continuously overdoing it in various activities now come
back and mock my longevity.
Yeah, I hit
sixty this week. What a bummer!
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| Yeah, won't be long now! |
Sometimes
people say what they think is so original … and it’s been heard so many times
before. (Shhh … don’t tell them. It would only hurt their feelings.)
And I really should be thankful for over 70 Internet friends that wished me a Happy Birthday ... driving the knife deeper into the wound.
In fact, I’ve
done a lot of reflecting over my past years this week. Thusly, this week’s Ten Things Of Thankful is
going to be about some things that my parents told me as I was growing up …
that make no sense to me whatsoever at this time.
So, without
further ado, let us proceed by saying …
I’m Thankful
For …
1) No child ever starved to death in China because I didn’t eat everything on my plate.
I can’t prove this, but I feel as though as many lawyers are there are
in the world, I would have been summoned by now if this had indeed
occurred.
2) That I never had an interviewer look at me
and say, “In going back to your Permanent Record, I see that you were late
getting to school three times in the second grade and four times in the
third. You realize this means you can’t
have the job, don’t you?”
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| Never grew these or any other vegetables out of my ears! Did you? |
4) I never became a Satin worshipper by playing
a record backwards, or by even listening to that demonized rock and roll
music. I did become a heavy fan of Black
Sabbath, and later Iron Maiden, but for some reason, I never sacrificed any
animal or human during religious ceremonies.
I wonder if I missed out on something there … no, not really.
5) Smoking never stunted my growth. I stopped growing any taller before I started
smoking. However, since smoking has
become a long time habit, my waist size has grown … well, let’s just say it has
grown and leave it at that. Of course,
dependent upon what was being smoked was also a factor here, but, again, let’s
just let that be … unless you know where I can find some. (I lost my source years ago!)
6) I never did jump in a lake just because one
of my friends did. I jumped off of a
river bridge a few times without knowing the depth of the water, and luckily,
never found myself in wading depth.
Stupid, but what the hell, we all did stupid things at one time. Funny thing is, politicians seem to have
never grown up and stopped doing them.
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| Whatdayamean I can't park the van in the driveway? Geeesh! |
8) Not everyone feels as though you’re sinning
by using profanity. In fact, when I was
performing stand-up comedy, I found that if you didn’t use some profanity, the
audiences almost felt cheated. This
happened mostly in the Bible Belt. It
was like these people pretended to be holier than thou Monday through Friday at
work, but on Friday and Saturday nights, they’d hit the comedy clubs and laugh
their butts off at the smut. I guess it
gave them something to go to church on Sunday mornings and repent for. So, I’d always test the audiences by starting
off clean, and then tossing in a word every now and then to gauge the
reactions. Yep, some people love
profanity … it’s a proven fact.
9) No, I never did cause anyone to lose their
eyesight by flipping paperclips, spitballs, or throwing rocks. I did shoot out a basement window with a BB
Gun once, but I blamed it on a neighbor kid down the road and got away with
it. (Like you never told a lie as a
kid!)
10) Lastly, my face never froze up while making a
funny face at someone. I did get caught
making one at a teacher one day (of which they returned a funny face of their
own), but my face still has the ability to shift between frowning and smiling,
without any frozen parts causing hindrance.
Now, the
jury is still out on masturbation. True,
I did have to start wearing glasses at an early age, but I knew many kids that
were like me in that area. I wonder if
they were … hmmmmmm. Let’s give that
one a few more years to decide upon.
Anyway, I
know this has been a little different Ten Things Of Thankful for me, but I’ve
been ignoring the news as of late. Seems
like no one is learning from their mistakes and history is doing nothing more
than repeating itself over and over again.
Maybe next week I'll get back to my standard sarcastic ass fare … we’ll
just have to see.
