Saturday, January 11, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Yeah, I'm Back To Normal!

Get Off Your Butt and Visit All The Other
GREAT Blogs in this Hop!!!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, fasten your seat belts and put on your helmets.  We're about to enter into the Ten Things Of Thank You Zone.  Please put your hands together in a warm welcome for our star attraction and host, the one and only, a tremendously great person, and a sister of mine from another set of parents, our primary hostess, LIZZI!!!!"
(and 57 other hosts too numerous to mention)

Okay, is that enough glut kissing 
for this week?

Last week, several of you mentioned that you thought the holidays had "softened" me up a little.  Actually, I was doing my best to not be as cynical and sarcastic as usual.  I thought it might be a way to draw in a new group of readers that would think me kind and gentle in nature.  A group that would appreciate the rantings of an old man that had been around the block once or twice.  A group that would lie waiting the following week for more of the same as they find in other "Thankful" hop offerings.

And, once the trap is set, the boom is lowered!

Yeah, I'm going back to the ass that has been my signature trademark over the last couple of years.  Like it or not, it's me, and I'd be a fool to change it.  

Does a leopard change its spots.  
Does a zebra change its stripes?  
Does a release of body gas change its odor?

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Anyway, it's back to sarcasm, cynicsm, and analytical observation.  Call me the Andy Rooney of the web if you'd like, or, simply call me an ass.  Either way, the shoe would possibly fit my mouth.

So, let us begin our weekly trek into the strange and the unknown.  It ought to be interesting since I've been sick with some sort of flu bug for three days and haven't given this any thought whatsoever.  

Yeah, Lizzi's sitting on the edge of her seat right now, wondering how far this will go.  Just for you, my dear, I'll try to keep it respectful.

And, yes dear, the moon is made of green cheese.  I ate some earlier.  
You read the gas statement above ... right?

So, again, it's now time for Ten Things Of Thankful!!!

I'm thankful for ...

"Driving?  Oh, you mean I'm supposed
to be driving?  Who knew?"
1)  ... slow drivers in fast lanes.  What a boring place the world would be without some moron driving 20 mph below the speed limit in the fast lane.  It's so exciting to watch brake lights flash and vehicle nose dive as they come up quickly on the tail end of these wonderful individuals.  Whatever possesses them to live in the realm of excitement and danger is beyond me.  Most tend to be more concerned with texting or talking to someone else to realize the position in which they've put themselves.  (Still, you have to admire the fact that they display their stupidity with courage!)

Bad? Sure,but guess what,
I'm not as bad as some others!
2)  ... McDonalds fans.  Recently, there have been a hoard of articles condemning food from restaurants other than McDonalds.  A Philadelphia group conducted a survey to prove that restaurant food in places other than chains like Mickey D's had just as many, if not more, calories, as well as more sodium and other nasty chemicals.  So, it's not a matter that Mickey D's is bad for you, they've now taken the fun out of going to any restaurant and enjoying a meal.  In other words, stay at home and have a salad filled with chemically tainted lettuce and tomatoes.  Amazing, it's not how bad food can be, it's simply a matter of finding some that's worse to make yours seem better!   (I guess these guys HAVE been taking lessons from politicians!   Duhhhhhhhhhh!)

"Yeah, I was in that movie, too!  I bet you'd
have seen me there if I was taller!"
3)  ... Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.  I re-watched this film this week (When you're sick what else is there to do?) and saw an old friend.  During the pod race, there, sitting next to the future Darth Vader's owner, was the little person that held the starring role in Willow!!!   I guess he found a friend in George Lucas and took advantage of that relationship to stay working.  Of course, he couldn't have ever have become a big star, at least not literally.  Not at under four feet tall.   (Hey, damn it, at least I didn't use the old descriptive phrase "midget"!)

What?  You expected ice to talk?
4)  ... ice.   Yes, I said ice!  Not necessarily the ice and snow type, but the type you have in the freezer of your refrigerator if it's working properly!  Think of how lousy some drinks would be if you didn't have ice.  I mean, Starbucks alone would lose thousands of dollars a week if people didn't drink their iced coffee variations.  Of course, these people are idiots as they could simply save the coffee from breakfast and use it later in the day with some ice and flavoring, but what the hell, idiots are idiots.  Without ice, the phrase, "...on the rocks" would either become a thing of the past, or be a phrase for those that wished to moisten their kidney stones!  Slushes would become only syrup and water!  And, much to the dismay of kids of all ages, ice cream would become only cream!  Thus, a Coke Float would become ... well, crap!  (Never thought of ice that way, did you?  Must be suffering from "brain freeze", huh?)

Child services in France has denounced
the following as role models ...
5)  ... Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.  These two have recently had their newest videos pulled from daytime television in France because they are considered too racy.  In other words, if you want the smut, you have to stay up after 10 p.m. to see it in France.  When I was growing up, France was the leader in racy material.  Any movie made in France was to be viewed late at night.  Isn't it nice to see that America has lowered its standards and become the new world leader in smut?  Kind of warms the heart, doesn't it?  (Excuse me, I forgot it's time for your nightly visit a Russian porn site.  "Nyet?")

"We'll always get more than we
give, of that, you can be sure!
You think we're crazy!"
6)  ... Jay-Z and Beyonce.  Both of these artists love to proclaim themselves generous to and loving of their fans.  I guess that's because both of them have decided to become the leaders in raising the prices one pays for a cd these days.  Both have come out with new music in the last few months at a price tag of $15.99.  Now, I really don't care if you think you're God's gift to mankind, I'm not going to pay that for a single cd.  In fact, I may never again buy one of their cd's.  My life is going along fine without them as I've found no shakes or late night sweating attacks without purchasing their latest attempts to bilk the American public.   After amassing a collection of close to 7.000 cd's and over 127,000 songs, these two may have just helped me start the break the OCD.  (Damn, can't let these greedy bastards hear that, they'll try to find a way to sue for psychiatric fees!)

"I did not have relations with ...
oops, wrong speech!"
7)  ... New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  Finally, an honest politician ... of sorts!  No hidden backstabbing for Christie.  No, just good old "You F**k with me and I'll F**k with you" in the open!  Trouble is, he's now trying to cover this up by blaming it on others.  Story goes that since Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Skolich (a Democrat) refused to endorse Christie (a Republican) for governor last November, Christie said "Take this" and closed the interstate off ramp to Ft. Lee for four days last September.  If Christie would only man up and take responsibility, I'm sure he'd gather more votes for being a man than his opponents could ever gain for being backstabbing asses pretending to be holier than thou saints.  Alas, I'm afraid it was just too good to be true.  (Once an lying politician, always a lying politician!)

"Is that your mom over there sleeping
on the picnic table?  Oh, it's MS
prevention week!
8)  ... drinking alcohol.  No, I never thought it would be happening, but a Swedish study has proven that women who drink cut down the risk of developing Multiple Sclerosis 50%.  That's right!  You cut down your chances of getting MS 50% if you drink more that 4 ounces of either wine or spirits per week.  Of course, your kids may go hungry and your husband may look for a woman whose body odor doesn't always remind him of his college room mate after a wild weekend, but you'll reduce your chances of getting MS.  So, drink yourself into a frenzy and enjoy life without MS or a driver's license!  (At least that way you won't have to worry about picking the kids up from soccer practice!)

"How much they paying you to pose?"
"I don't know.  How much are they
paying you to pose?"
9)  ... Pawnation.  This website has just published an article about how to keep cats warm in winter.  It discusses an creating an outside shelter, making sure a water bowl doesn't freeze, putting anti-freeze in a place cats can't get to it, and then, of all things, it comes up with a sure fire way to make sure your cats don't get cold ... "Keep them inside."   What a revelation!!!  Why didn't I think of that???  The answer is so simple yet so complex.  Who would ever have thought of keeping a house cat inside in the winter?  Just because we keep them inside in the Summer, I'm sure we all thought of letting them run free in the freezing Winter.  Why, of course we're all idiots without a brain.  That's why we all go around singing, "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz!!!  (Sometimes, you just gotta wonder who approves stuff like this to be published on a corporate website!  Remind me to never visit their sponsor!)

"So, what does this tell you?  That's
right, I'm hungry and munching on a
f**king cookie.  God, you're a genius!"
10)  ... body language experts.  Speaking of Governor Christie, it has now been expressed by body language experts that the governor was lying when he stated he knew nothing of the exit closure.  I've read several books on body language, and most conflict with each other.  Eyes looking the wrong direction, arms clenched, leaning forward to emphasize a point, etc. ... seem to mean different things to different experts.  Of course, this goes along with many of my other philosophies concerning experts in the topic in which I minored in college ... psychology.  To me, psychologists are just like meteorologists.  "If you get it right, you look like God.  If you get it wrong, blame it on God!"  (What was the Beatles song, "I say Yes, you say No, I say Why, you say I don't know"?  Yep, it's all just like that!)

And, as a famous pig would say, 
"That's All Folks!"
Another week, another thankful post.  At least, and you gotta admit,
 it's a little different than the rest!



  1. Glorious! I read a tweet this week saying "So, Chris Christie is Big Jim Rennie?" which is only funny if you read Stephen King's Under The Dome (not a fat joke, evil politician.) Thanks gods for internet advice, how else would we know to drive carefully in winter and take pets inside when it's subzero.

    1. Joy - Good to see you! Sorry so late in answering. Been exceptionally busy. Christie reminds me of an old actor named Broderick Crawford. Big, Loud, Headstrong, and totally "do it my way or get out of my way" type of character. I just want to be his vice presidential running mate as he's bound to have a heart attack in the next few years and leave the office in vacancy! Now that's job security! lol I know, I couldn't live without the expert advice I get from the web either. I don't know how I survived my first 35 years without it! :) Many Thanks!

  2. Yes, I too am thankful for slow drivers in the fast lane! It makes my millennium to get behind one of these folks and no matter how close you get to skimming their back bumper some of them just don't get the hint. Living in Florida is the most wonderful place to find said drivers. Holy beef jerky! My blood pressure just went up 10 points thinking about it. I just say no to Jay-Z and Beyonce...not a fan. Chris Christie should be ashamed of himself but the storm has just started...karma and all.
    I like the sarcastic wise-ass you, Rich....welcome back!

    1. Sandy - Hey, you're becoming a regular! I love it! Florida definitely has its share of left lane slow drivers. Trouble is, they hear the phone but don't remember they left it at home! (Like I'm a youngster myself, lol) Jay-Z and Beyonce are past news to me. I don't like artists who consider themselves "special". I think both of them spent too much time around Kanye West and caught the "I'm so wonderful" disease! And, Christie, well, I just read where he might be impeached. It will be the only "peach" he's had in a long time that wasn't in a cobbler covered with ice cream! :) I can only be what I am ... unless maybe I spend some time around Kanye! lol Many Thanks!

  3. I'm with Sandy, welcome back rich.I could continue to comment but I would just and up stroking out talking about al.

    1. Zoe - Good to see you here! Hey, your comments are always welcomed. We've had some great conversations in the past! Regardless, I really appreciate your support. Many Thanks!

  4. YES to being thankful for alcohol and idiots. Love it! Great list.

    1. Beth - Good to see you here! I stopped by your blog the other night and spent 15 minutes trying to figure out where to comment. By then, my wife had me busy on something else! Glad you enjoyed this (were you under the influence?)! Many Thanks!

  5. I'm pissed because there are now Actual Laws here which mean we're not allowed to tailgate for fear of arrest, fines, points on the licence and probably jail time. I really, REALLY want to make that bonnet-mounted asshole laser to tell these people just what I think of them! Ack!

    I'm glad you're back to your snarktastic self. I assume the cold is nearly all better now, so that's good :D

    You're right, I've never thought of ice in *quite* that way. And also, never mind McD's - Roosters pissed me off the other night because their ENTIRE decor is green. Like, they're subliminally passing messages that they're healthy (cos everyone knows that green=veg/salad/good health) and people are gonna get sucked in and buy their food, presuming it to be a better option. VERY sneaky marketing.

    I daren't comment on politics :D

    1. Hey Sis! Didn't know if you were going to make it or not. I've thought about getting one of those message signs that writes backwards just so the idiots in front of me can read what I'm sending them. Then again, I might be giving them too much credit for being able to read anything except text language! lol Cold got better but the flu bug hit me hard. I'm still suffering, but doing my best to at least answer the comments here. Let's see if I can finish them tonight before I pass out. Ice is nice! You just have to think about it a little! :) Haven't been to a Roosters. None around here. Still, name seems a little gender biased to me. But, I guess Chickens didn't quite sound right to them either! lol Many Thanks!

  6. you know how every now and then you'll see a post on 'the Facebook' that says, Rich likes Big Macs… and then we're all invited to also 'like' Big Macs and… if with have stronger ties to a 'Big Mac' we can share the post or even write a 'Comment'
    If they catch on a not-so-good day, I find myself 'liking' the Big Mac and sharing a Comment, usually along the lines, "I really love the food at McDonalds! It's the Best! I can't remember how many days' it's been since I've found a fingernail or even a clump of hair in any of their food"

    I 'Like' 'the Facebook'

    1. Clark - God, it's good to see you! You're the only other "guy" that comes here, besides myself! Love the "clump of hair" comment. I may have to seek those FB comments out. Love to add, "The best American food North of the Border that's still made by Hispanics!" lol Many Thanks!

  7. Well, I know someone who's drinking like a hole without a bottom and still got MS.. Probably should have tried more! Gonna go now and eat an incredibly unhealthy Caprese salad :-) Cheers, Rich!

    1. Stephanie - Love that you could stop in again. That was a Swedish study, so I guess maybe they should look at other outlying factors in Sweden that might have a bearing on the study. Sorry to hear about your friend, though. MS is tough, to say the least. Funny thing is, I wrote this while eating an insecticide laced salad myself! lol Many Thanks!

  8. Yeah, there's no way CC didn't know about the traffic thing. Watched a really interesting Rachel Maddow take on it. Oh, and thanks for making me feel my drinking is doing me good!

    1. Sarah - Thanks so for coming by! Oh, he knew about it, that's for sure. No "underling" would take it upon themselves to do something of that magnitude where jobs could be jeopardized. Trouble is, he gets all the press and can toss blame where he wants to. Typical politician, to say the least! Hey, drink away! Anything I can do to help just ask! Always happy to assist a friend! lol Many Thanks!

  9. Welcome back, Ass!
    You know what I like even more than slow drivers in the fast lane? When I'm in the slow lane, and a person passes me, then pulls in front of me, and slows down to a speed slower than the one I'm going. Love it when people do that.
    And hold up! McDonald's isn't the only "restaurant" to use chemicals and non-food to feed people?!?!?
    I can't even talk about the "artists" you mention above. Any of them.
    I hate politics.
    And the government.
    I miss Bugs Bunny and the gang.

    1. Christine - It's so good to see you again! Yes, you got the greeting right! First time you've been able to call someone that and they agree with you, right? lol I agree with your type of driver frustration. What's a pisser is that most will do that to get ahead of you to exit at the next ramp. You might be the last car in the line, and they could've easily pulled behind you, but Nooooooo, they have to pull in front of you! Grrrrrrrr! I agree ... I miss all the Looney Tunes cartoons. They were anything but antiseptic, as seems to be the norm today! Many Thanks!

  10. Now Pawnation must be good for Gabby and Faletame there! And well, never knew quite what to make of Britney and Miley's antics....if they're just attention seeking or otherwise! Thanks for sharing with the TTOT, Rich!

    1. Michelle - Hello my friend! We don't see each other as much as we used to. So sorry this job I have is so limiting. Pawnation, according to my cats, is for idiots that have no business owning pets. If owners have to be told the basics, they've no right to think themselves capable of properly taking care of those we love. I think most of their readers belong in cages, instead of the pets they end up abusing. I agree with you on Britney and Miley. Sad part is, they're getting all the attention. Used to be, if someone was stupid, you just ignored them and they went away. Nowadays, they command the attention of the press! So strange but true! lol Many Thanks!

  11. I think I'd concur with most on that list. But long live the smut - otherwise, where would gentlemen of my age get their titillation?

    1. Gary - Thanks for returning here, my friend! Please don't get me wrong, I'm not against smut. I just remember the days when the really risque mags and pics came from France, instead of down the street. Last time I visited a site, I was amazed at all the tattoos that are now being sported by the models. Immediately, boxers with casino advertising written on their backs came to mind, completely destroying the mood. lol So, all I can say is "Enjoy the boxers models!" :) Many Thanks!

  12. Self proclaimed Asses are my favorite. I love knowing exactly where I stand. No manipulation, no subtext. So... Ass away!!

    My Mother is a slow driver and because of her I still have an anxiety attack when tempted to honk a horn. Slow drivers simply are passive aggressive road rage. I like Lizzi's lazer idea.

    Ice. Glorious Ice! I have always thought of it that way. Ice cream would be sweet cream soup. And yes I do save my coffee to pour it over ice in the afternoon. Yes I also am one of those idiots who pay $5 for a Starbucks and proud of it. I even have an idiot's gold card.

    Love the snark. I wait with baited breath for next weeks.

    1. Rebecca - So good of you to come by! Yes, you've found the home of the self proclaimed ass! Better for me to say it than others to think me benign to the fact! lol Lizzi does come up with a winning plan every now and then. Still, I think she may have been watching too many SciFi movies as of late. (You know, you gotta be careful of those who love anal probing!) See, you're not quite to the point of being a complete idiot yet! Saving coffee for afternoon usage protects you from that title. Would you believe I've only been to Starbucks twice in my life, and both of those times were for basic coffee while awaiting flights in airports? Yeah, I'm old school when it comes to coffee. Most asses are! lol Many Thanks!

  13. Glad you are feeling like your old self. I agree in your assessment of Brittney and Miley. Gross.

    1. Jamie - Really good to see you again! It is good to be back to normal. Last week was like trying to give up cigarettes ... you know it's just a matter of time before you go back to them yet you make yourself suffer anyway! lol Miley and Britney are publicity hounds at current time. One is trying to keep a career going and the other thinks Britney did it the right way and wants to follow in her footsteps. Both are losers, for sure. Many Thanks!

  14. Kind and gentler in nature? HAHAH. Nope. Still adore you though of course. But yeah, you're always different from the rest which is part of what makes you freaking awesome. So I know you talked about a bunch of important stuff like that fat dude stuffing his face, Miley and what's-her-face not being on after 10pm in France because they are stupid sluts (which I always thought European TV was less censored than it is here but maybe that was years ago), and stuff but well, obviously one thing caught and stuck in my brain. I'm not going to get M.S. And for that, my brother from another mother, I thank you. xoxo

    1. Kristi - How great it is to see you again! I thought you'd disowned me! lol You know me, I tell it like it is without holding back. At least you know what you can count on. Right? :) No, I think (and pray) you never have to worry about MS. Just be careful what picnic table you choose to go to sleep on next time. Okay? Luv Ya Sis!!! Many Thanks!