Friday, November 15, 2013

Ten Things of Thankful ... The Rib Beating Edition!

rambling time again!

I guess that's why 
you're here.  Right?

Actually, I'm not sure how well the rambling is going to work out tonight.  My brain, in addition to being completely deep fried, breaded, and coated with mayo and hot sauce, is somewhat lax in its efforts to focus on any individual idea.

I've been sick.

Supposedly, a man isn't supposed to admit that.  They are supposed to carry the image that nothing can touch their macho "tough guy" facade.  No matter what is thrown at a man, he is supposed to stand tall, take the full brunt of the force, and act like nothing ever hit him.

F**k that!  I've been sick.

This bronchitis crap has been going on for almost a week.  It's always nice to cough up rubbish that reminds you that your body has junk inside that birds wouldn't eat.  (Ever seen a bird eat road kill?  And you thought that was bad.)  

You know the coughing continues after sleep when you awake with your ribs feeling like you've been the target of a police Billy Club assault.  What the police have against one sleeping I'll never know.  I'm just trying to figure out how in the hell they get into my bedroom night after night to perform their Billy Club exercises.  

How many of these damn guys do you let in
each night, anyway?
I'll bet my wife has something 
to do with that!

Yep, she's probably in love with one (or more) of the boys in blue and has been trying to figure out a way to end our relationship, and still keep all the stuff we've acquired over the years.  She's taking advantage of the affect NyQuil is having upon me, waiting until I've passed out, and then calling them, knowing that they're the experts in beatings without leaving bruises.  

And who knows what's she's doing with them after they've had their target practice on my ribs???   Knowing her, she's probably doing all sorts of sordid sexual acts ... dressing up like a prostitute and saying things like, "Hey boys, what's a girl gotta do not to get arrested around here?  Okay, you know how much I hate jail.  Lets do it!!"


Okay, so maybe the antibiotics are making me fantasize a little.  
Maybe she doesn't dress up!

Anyway, it's once again time for 
Ten Things of Thankful.

This is going to be a chore tonight.

This is where all of our fantastic hosts allow us to let our hearts flow with beautiful tidbits of thankfulness that are meant to instill warmth and serenity in each and ever person that reads them.

Boy, am I in the wrong place!

So, here's my sarcasm once again.  Hopefully, something will warm your heart.  

Just be careful of police officers carrying and aiming tazsers!

Ten Things Of Thankful
I'm so thankful ...

Cough it all up before you go into
the pharmacy, pulleeeaaasseee!
1)  ... that my wife works in a pharmacy.  Sick people go straight from the doctor's office to a pharmacy for medications.  Thus, my wife comes in contact with every disease known to man on a daily basis.  She normally doesn't catch a thing.  No, instead, she's a carrier.  Her body is a smorgasbord of germs by the time she walks in the house each evening.  Anytime I want an excuse to not go to work, I simply have to hug her the minute she arrives home.  Within minutes, I could be suffering from South Asian herpes to Siberian flu.  Who needs a damn mosquito to bite and infect you when my wife will do it without the pain and itching that accompanies the insect bite?  

2)  ... for telephone ringer cut off switches.  Who's calling?  Who cares?!?!  When bills can't be paid, collectors love to call you endlessly to inflict mental anguish and stress.  They don’t just let it ring a few times.  They’ll let it ring until it switches over to the standard phone company message (after 35 rings) that basically states, “Hey, Dumb Ass!  How many times does the phone have to ring before you realize they either aren’t home or don’t want to be disturbed by you?”  One flick of the ringer switch can bring you the peace and quiet you deserve.  Of course, not paying your phone bill can achieve similar results.

3)  ... for cooler temperatures.  Fall has finally arrived, bringing with it temperatures that allow one to drive in comfort with the heater on.  This eliminates the guilty feelings one has about using a little more gas unnecessarily when the weather is moderate, but you drive with your windows closed and ventilation fan on to avoid listening to Miley Cyrus getting wrecked and balled in the car filled with teenagers next to you at the stop light.  I really don’t care about what a wreck Miley is, nor who is balling her.  I just hope they practice safe sex.  Last thing I need is Miley going into a pharmacy and giving my wife something else to bring home to me!

Once, my favorite time of the year!
4)  ... for college basketball season!  Finally, my time of the year to enjoy television has arrived!  Now, I simply want to reek vengeance upon the psychologist that got me thinking about including one’s spouse in shared activities, as my wife has started watching as many games as I!  And, if she misses one while watching her “Dancing With The Stars” or “The Voice” or “Gray’s Sucky Anatomy” in the bedroom, she has me record it so that she can make me suffer watching it a second time later.  I’m betting that she’s only watching basketball now to learn how to set odds to be a bookmaker for the police each night!  Bitch!

5)  ... for kitty litter.  Having two wonderful cats (I have to say that to keep their claws from attacking my groin each night, after the police have had their target practice on my ribs, while I sleep), there is nothing so remarkable as kitty litter.  Unlike a dog, I don’t have to get out of a warm bed each morning to have them walk me around the block so that they can let me know they don’t have to go to the bathroom.  I see so many people being walked each morning by their canines that an immediate and overwhelming feeling of satisfaction flows through my system each time I watch my wife empty the litter box.  It’s nice when life is so simple!

Okay, so it's not a picture of grand beauty!
It still gets me where I need to go!
6)  ... for my Honda Ridgeline.  Having an All Wheel Drive vehicle when snow is in the forecast provides another stress reliever.  Plus, it has never let me down mechanically.  In addition, it has ample room for five people, a trunk for my snake collecting tools, and gets all of 10 mpg in city driving.  (Hey, almost 20 on the highway!)  True, I’ve been paying on it since the dawn of time, but still, it has been the only vehicle in over 30 years of driving that I haven’t wanted to trade out of for something new.  It’s also too big for my wife to feel comfortable driving.  That’s one way to make sure it stays in one piece!

What the Hell type of charity do these
guys represent???
7)  ... for the ability to give charitable donations.  Each week, I contribute to the Powerball and Mega Millions lottery/ charity.  I consider this a charitable donation as I have never collected any substantial amount from these donations.  I know several people that play the daily Pick Three lottery, and have won.  It is so nice to know that I’ve been able to help not only these individuals maintain the lifestyle they love, but also, all the illegal aliens and others that have profited from my donations.  It’s always nice to know that you’ve done something nice for people!

8)  ... for the idiocy of the Wisconsin Police officers who couldn’t wait until an individual wanted on a warrant for illegal firearm possession left the Children’s Hospital before trying to arrest him.  Okay, if a person has a warrant for this, wouldn’t you think he might be armed again?  And, if you thought he was going to be armed, why would you go into a Children’s Hospital to try to arrest him?  Isn’t that like saying, “Hey, the coals may still be warm.  Why don’t you pour some gasoline on them and see?”

Sure, let's go to arrest someone that might be armed
in a safe place ... like a Children's Hospital!!!!  Duh!!!
So, the police go to arrest this guy while he’s in the hospital and find him holding a baby.  No, he doesn’t pull a gun out.  Instead, he puts the baby down and starts to run.  So, the police pull out their guns, still in the hospital, and scream, “Stop, or we’ll shoot!”  When the guy keeps running and then, only after being threatened, pulls out a gun, the police open fire!  Then, the police make out like it’s all the guy’s fault they fired live rounds in a Children’s Hospital!

No history of violent crime, no reason to pursue him in the hospital to make an arrest, and no remorse over putting children in danger by their stupidity.  I wonder if these guys have relatives on the police force in my city.  Guess I’ll have to ask my wife!

9)  ... for the stupidity and greed of retailers who plan on being open on Thanksgiving.  Are these companies made up of individuals so greedy that they can’t wait 24 hours to start making money off of the holiday season?  Are these companies so callous that they could care less about their employees being able to enjoy one of the few special holidays a year where family life and get-togethers is cherished?  Are these companies so hypocritical that they will make hourly wage earners work while the corporate members get to enjoy a full holiday, as well as the day after, either with friends or family?  Isn’t is sad that the answer to all of these questions is “Yes?”
You mean I can get an entire album
for only this much?

10)  ... for the music industry that has decided to start charging more online for a music download than for the actual CD!  Of course, there is no physical production that has to go into music downloading, no cd’s to record, no labels to print, or no cases to load, so it makes sense for them to charge two or three dollars more for them on and ITunes, doesn’t it?  One would think that without all the expenses, prices would go down.  However, the music industry has raised prices over $5 this year on the average per CD.  What do you want to bet none of the producers and company executives are working on Thanksgiving?

And, that’s it!  Another Ten Things of Thankful is in the bag.  I’d appreciate you commenting below (I live for comments), as well as visiting the other great lists in this hop.  Oh, and if you happen to see my wife in the company of police officers, just ignore them.  

It’s better than getting your ribs beat on!



  1. Yeesh... you sound reaaaaalllllllly sick! That's pretty bad considering I cant even hear you hacking ! Hope you feel better!

    I have read your stuff off and on and while I defend your right to be snarky, is it REALLY cuz your ill? Or are ya just a tad sarcastic even when the cops aren't beating on you or your wife? (Whom I must say must have a helluva sense of humor or doesn't read your blog!)

    No really...feel better!

    1. Zoe - Yes, I have definitely felt better. Everything goes in cycles, so I'll get better, eventually. I tend to be snarky most of the time, regardless of sickness. (The cops made me say that! lol) It comes from my stand-up comedy background, I guess. My wife has lived with it for 33 years, so she understands. She had never seen me do my act on stage until one night she was sitting with friends and saw me on the Showtime Comedy Club Network. They had cut out all of my topical humor to keep the show from being dated, and left a lot of my wife material in. Took her a while to get over it, but when she finally realized she was a created character in the show instead of a real person, she started looking at it as something to see what I'd come up with next. So now, I can pretty well say anything and get away with it! lol Think of the freedom that would provide if all marriages were that way! :) I appreciate your kind words. Many Thanks!

  2. Rich, your Honda looks a beaut and I hope that Bronchitis is kept at a far bay soon! Do get better now, and please say hi to the missus.

    1. MIchelle - I kind of like it. Actually, it's the only vehicle I've owned that I'd take another one if I were to replace it. Got a feeling this one and I will stay together for a while, though. This bronchitis is staying around longer than I'd like. If I could stay home a day or two, I might be able to shake it. As it is, I'm afraid it's beginning to think it's like my Ridgeline and gonna be around for a while. lol Many Thanks!

  3. nice ride
    I've always liked the look of the Ridgelines…nice balance of pick-up truck and civilized car (I think it's that slope of the roof off the crew cab does it) and I would love one of those… tricked out with the hydraulics (actually they use air bags now)…and some spinners (yeah…I have totally driven off your target demographic, sorry dude)… and maybe… some blacklight license plate holders… it's weird (well, ok…weirder) but I totally have this desire to own a car that can bounce down the boulevard…and have an Altec Voice of the Theatre (warning: old musician joke reference) system in the trunk and a girl who'll make you consider robbing a filling station because *she's bored*… that's what I'm talking about.

    but… I own an Audi and there are surely several international treaties written specifically to prevent me from doing any of the above to my car…damn

    (when *I'm* god just you wait and see how much fun there will be)

    1. Clark - How are you today, my friend? I'm sure you and Chuck Barris would have made quite the pair! lol Only jacked up the rear of my first car way, way back in the day. Was in Phoenix, in the wrong part of the city by mistake, and one like you kind of describe pulled up next to me with a couple of guys wearing red bandanas around their heads. At a light, they started that up and down stuff with their car. Kind of sighed a little relief when they did. Figured, as long as they were moving up and down like that, they couldn't aim straight! lol Kept me from having to pray, "Our Clarkie, who art in Heaven ...." :) Many Thanks!

  4. I'm thinking perhaps your wife let them in, but not because she was doing what you think, but because she's had enough of the jokes at her expense. Who's got the last laugh now???? :)

    I could not agree more about the opening on Thanksgiving deal. It's not a religious holiday. It's a national one. Every single person in this country should be able to celebrate it. It aggravates me to no end as I see the times of stores' openings getting earlier and earlier.

    1. Christing - Ah, someone to stick up for my wife's feelings! lol Actually, she doesn't mind it. She's almost feels like it's an honor for me to write about her. At least she knows I'm not in some chatroom hot tub, drinking wine with naked cyber women. lol Thanksgiving is still called Thanksgiving. That's a day we give thanks and family gathers together. As a gesture of goodwill, I volunteer all corporate employees of the retailers involved to fill in for hourly employees on Thanksfiving and Black Friday so they can get a taste of their own medicine! lol Many Thanks!

  5. Here's my take on the bronchitis thing: your wife is kicking you in the ribs each and every time you cough. Or snore. Just a guess. I don't know anyone who would actually DO something so heinous to her own husband....

    I hate Black Friday. Hate even more than they try to lure me out on Thanksgiving, but they're barking up the wrong tree, because it AIN'T A-GONNA WORK!

    My husband won at Power Ball last week!!! $4! Dreams CAN come true!

    1. Dyanne - Thanks so much for coming back to my humble abode. Never met my wife, have you? lol No, she's a wonderful woman ... and she'll back up that statement in a second. Vindictiveness runs in her family. They used to sit together around their living room window just envisioning and planning what to do to neighbors that didn't fit their way of life. lol I pick a weekday between Christmas and Thanksgiving to do my shopping. It will take me less than two hours in a mall and all will be taken care of. I've told myself not to visit any of the stores that will be open on Thanksgiving. Just my own way of silent protest, I guess. $4!!!!!! I never dreamed of a cup of Starbucks, but then again, I've never had one. lol Many Thanks!

  6. Be excited, Rich, the bronchitis will make you happy for at least another month. I've had it starting mid-September, and only recently the coughing has subsided and the rib cage feels normal again.

    Even though I've been spoiled by 24/7 shopping opportunities while living in the U.S., I truly appreciate that in Germany, Sundays and public holidays are generally closed for retail. Everyone deserves to enjoy the holidays with their families!

    Hope you win some holiday cash as part of your charity donations. And if you do, remember your peeps aboad ;-)

    Enjoy your weekend, Rich! Get some good antibiotics, and drink loads and loads of tea!

    1. Stephanie - You have such a wonderful way of cheering a person up. Are you and my wife secretly related? lol I respect countries that hold on to traditions. At least they recognize that the family is still an important unit. If I win anything in the lotteries, I will definitely remember everyone as I spend it. It may be something like, "Boy, wouldn't Stephanie love to be in my shoes and able to spend thousands without worrying about it", or something like that, but I'll remember all! :) Thanks for the advice. I have tomorrow off, so I plan on doing just that. Many Thanks!

  7. Oh dear, I hope you are feeling better soon. At least you've got college basketball to entertain you while you are coughing up a lung or two.

    1. Kristi - Thanks for you concerns over my health. I hope I am, too ... believe me. Working my schedule, I can only manage a few basketball games a week, and seldom in their entirety. Still, they help to get me to sleep in the recliner. lol Many Thanks!

  8. Ack. So sorry you're ill :( I'm sure your wife might just be digging you in the ribs for all the hacking and coughing you're doing, keeping her awake, so she panics and wonders whether she'll end up messing up at work (I hear they take it pretty seriously when someone gives the methadone to the wrong person...)

    Rest lots, watch basketball, and heal quickly *HUGS*

    Also - the cops in the children's hospital - SERIOUSLY! WTactualF! I hope they're being disciplined!

    1. Lizzi - Thanks for you kind (?) words. :) Actually, my wife and I sleep in separate rooms due to her horrendous snoring problem. If anything wakes her up, it will be her own roaring and door vibrating! lol Love the HUGS, but be careful, I don't want you to catch this crap. What I find amazing about the cops is that they don't even realize how stupid their move was! They feel like it's all the fault of the violator. These guys must have been at the top of their police academy class! Many Thanks!

  9. Woohoo! College basketball! Not that I really pay any attention until March. But it does remind me of my family pool and how I've won twice! And lost twice. BTW, I'm with you on Tgiving. Give it a break!

    1. Sarah - Good to find another basketball fan! I usually like it better before the March Madness phase, as that seems to be tainted by bad officiating that leans towards the team with the greater television audience. So, if you're looking to win another pool, bet for the teams with the largest viewing audiences. You'll be a sure winner! Thanksgiving need to keep its holiday status. Walmart and others are doing their best to keep their greedy one. Many Thanks!

  10. So sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well....two of my kids have had that bronchitis for a few weeks now and it stinks to just listen to the coughing so I'm more than sure it is much worse to do the actual coughing. Here's hoping the kiddie poos keep their cooties and I just amped up my vitamin C intake.
    I have to agree on the Thanksgiving store openings. Poor Thanksgiving just kind of got kicked to the curb at some point. There used to be an actual holiday for eating and napping and football and now there are droves of people who swallow in one gulp the food that they've eaten on paper plates so there's no dishes to be washed and out the door they go to spend money they don't have (unless of course you've donated to them!). Sad, isn't it?
    I'm glad to see that even sick the snark is with you! Thanks for the thoughts!

    1. Sandy - Thanks so for coming by and commenting! I actually just got up today. I know, it's after 4 p.m., but my body feels like an eighteen wheeler just had its way with it. I started to visit blogs in this hop last night and fell asleep at the computer at the first one. Damn, people are going to hate me after my absence this week, if they already don't for my writing. lol

      My wife has had to work the last couple of Thanksgivings at the pharmacy. CVS decided that people need medicine even on Holidays. Actually, I believe they're just after all the cash the liquor sales bring in ... greedy corporate asses. So, I stay home and enjoy the Holiday alone, for the most part. And no, even though the stores are open, I won't be visiting them, that day or any other as it is my form of silent protest.

      Snark? Me? Oh, c'mon ... I'm just being myself! lol Seriously, it's just in me to try to make a person smile a little by looking at reality and trying to twist it into what it is. When I awoke after my heart attack, and saw my wife, oldest daughter and son in law looking so sadly down at me, my first words were, "What, are you sorry I made it through?" For some reason, they didn't laugh. Oh well! :) Stay well and many thanks!

  11. Your wit and humor keep me hooked long enough to keep me from doing coursework and lesson plans. Thank you. No, seriously, thank you. lol
    Greed. That has been the subject of conversation 'round these parts today. Rich people saying that the poor and middle class are greedy and that THEY are generous. OMG, I wanted to punch the guy who said that. And the last time I threw a punch at someone was in kindergarten when my best friend screwed me over: she sat by the car door when it was MY turn. Yeah, I don't forget very well, but I DO forgive. lol. But, for people who will never change? Like those rich bastards saying that the poor and middle class are greedy because they don't create jobs? OMG...sorry...I'm like hijacking the comment thread with my soapboxes here. It's beginning to smell like Tide.
    My sister in law is a pharmacist. I can relate about the illness thing. Except it's because I'm a teacher and I work in one big, giant petri dish. Crawling with large macro-biotic human life, that's TEEMING with microbiotic non living viruses.
    Well, you go and have a good Sunday. I gotz homework to do now. ;)

    1. Cyndi - My friend it is so good to see you again! I apologize for my absence from your blog. I still have the notifications in my email, but I must admit, I've been lax in my obligations and given in to visiting my bed more this week as I'm completely wiped out by the time I get home from work.

      Greed is in the eye of the beholder. For some people to go out nightly and spend fifty to a hundred dollars per meal seems normal to them. Yet, to many others with less means, it could be a week's worth of groceries. That's why this nation will never be as it once was. The Silver Spoon crowd feel it normal for them to scarf up all the wealth and blame the lower income groups for their woes. How many stories have been told and/or made into movies about trading places in the income brackets and experiencing a "grand awakening?" Still, there are some that just don't get it. They don't have a clue to the plight of the poor, nor do they care. We have returned to the life of the royalty and the feudal serfs, once again. Ready to start a revolution? :)

      Teachers don't have it much better, I agree. In fact, many that deal with the public are exposed to all types of monster germs daily, yours truly included. Still, pharmacies tend to have a greater percentage of ill visitors, since all of them go there for medicine. I'm just glad my wife has such a strong body defense. Perhaps I should stop trying to get her to wear body spray. :) Many Thanks and good luck with the homework!

  12. oh dear. You sound very sicky. Hope you are better soon. I must admit not to follow college basketball that much till the tournament but it still is a good game. NBA games just too darn long.

    1. Jamie - Thanks for stopping by! I hope you don't catch this crap by doing so! :) Yeah, this junk is for the birds. I'm one of those people that won't go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. I'm beginning to believe it may be. I was telling Sandy above that I just got up today, and fell asleep last night at the computer at the first stop of this hop this week. I may not get around for the first time and just hope that most will understand.

      College basketball during the season tends to be my enjoyment, more than the tourney. The "David And Goliath" possibilities usually show you what the kids are really made of. In the tourney, there are just the top teams, and the ones with the largest viewing audiences tend to win, especially when the officiating comes into play. Sad that television has affected the outcomes of so many games, especially last year, just to get greater ratings in the later games. And no, I honestly can't remember the last time I watched an NBA game. No interest in them whatsoever. Many Thanks!

  13. HAHAHA to her maybe not dressing up. Sorry your ribs are killing you and that you've been sick. Those cops can be bitches! While my hubs doesn't work in a pharmacy, my kid goes to preschool. It is almost the same. College bball? Hubs loves. I could give a crap except I did enjoy watching Michael Jordan play, once upon a time, because wow. Also? UGH to retailers being open on freaking thanksgiving. I heard a store here will open at 1am. REALLY? Ugh. There's NOTHING I need that badly. I agree that the workers get screwed!!!

    1. Hey sis, sorry I missed this one! Been more than a few days and still suffering. C'est le vie ... someone has to I guess. Appreciate the comments! Many Thanks!

    2. MWAH. Happy Thanksgiving, brothah. I hope your day is super relaxing.

  14. My husband accuses me of being Nurse Ratchet when he is sick. I'm not. But he thinks I am. But he's delusional. :-) I love your idea that the lottery is a charitable donation. I'm going to use that one.

    Despite being sick, you came up with a pretty darn good list. Get well soon!

    1. Linda - Remind me to never take medication you provide in a little paper cup. lol At least I ripped out the drinking fountain in the house years ago. Glad you enjoyed this one! Many thanks!

  15. I can identify with the benefits of a 4-wheel drive vehicle in the icy weather. Not sure about the cat litter; feline piss and excrement must be one of the worst smells in the universe?
    I hope you're feeling better now.

    1. Bryan - Good to see you! Since I've had the Ridgeline, our weather hasn't really demanded one own a 4WD. This seems to go along with most things in my life where I purchase it and it's not needed. However, if I were trade it for a 2WD, we'd suddenly have a major snowfall! I'm hexed, to say the least. lol Most of the better litter products eliminate the smell these days. At least, for one not emptying it out, that is. I admire my wife at times! :) Just starting to get over the virus today. Still very weak, but my mind is much more clear (which is scary). Many thanks!