Thursday, June 13, 2013

FTSF: God Takes A Dump, Stupid People & Cat Stew


Yeppers, 
the sarcastic ass 
is back!  

The hiatus is over, to an extent.  I'm still very limited with my vision and computer time, but there are some things a person just feels like they have to do!

So, I guess I'm supposed to give a complete rundown as to what has happened to me over the last two months.

Why?

We all go through trials and tribulations in life.  Some of them are the fault of stupid people, some because of medical conditions, and some because of fate, karma, circumstance, luck, or God simply deciding he has to dump on someone every now and then.

I've seriously never envisioned God taking a dump before.  Royal robe hiked up, his bare, pasty white cheeks (I really can't imagine tanning beds being available in Heaven) sitting upon an ice cold toilet seat, and face all twisted as he contemplates his wisdom in designing bodies to release waste.  And, since God is all powerful, can you imagine the odor his defecation would produce?  Holy Toledo stench!  Just imagine God trying to cover up the smell in Heaven by saying, "Who died in here?"  (Can't you see every angel raising their hands saying, "Me!")   

And again, with God being all powerful, imagine the defecation exit speed!  Perhaps, not too long ago, he'd eaten his fill of Reuben pizza, some of his son's meatloaf, Brussels sprouts, and inhaled some Bush's Baked Beans as a snack.  That release had to be a super sh**!  (I wonder if that one's thrust velocity started the tsunami that hit Japan a few years ago?)

All this gives you a new insight as to God sitting on his Golden Throne in Heaven ... doesn’t it?  (The next time you're in church, and the preacher mentions it, try not to remember that picture.)  In fact, in my distorted brain, I can see the line of angels waiting to get into the outhouse in the clouds, cursing quietly about how long it was taking as he struggled with constipation.

“God damn it, how the hell long is God going to take?”

“Did God take any of those PlayAngel Magazines in there with him?"

“He just got back from where!?!?  OMG!  Remember the last time God went to White Castle? Those porcelain poppers  shot right through the clouds and resembled tiny meteors burning as they entered the Earth’s atmosphere!  
Somebody warn NASA!”

“If God doesn’t hurry up, I’m gonna have to shove this halo up my ass 
to keep my robe clean!”

“If God’s been drinking wine, those folks downstairs may get another 40 days and 40 nights of golden rain!”

“Just don’t be the next one to go in after God finally gets done.  
The smell will make you wish you were in Purgatory!”

"Remember how mad he got last time when he finished and found an empty roll of toilet tissue?  Two hurricanes, three tornadoes, and one Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem ruined the day for everyone the world over!"

And so on, and so on, and so on.

(What a topic with which to make my return!   Missed me ... didn’t you?)

So, why did I choose to come back to FTSF at this time?   Remember the cliché expression, “Because it was there?”   It kind of fits.  

I was planning to attempt to come back for a “Rambling Tuesday” entry, but I got rambunctious, went against doctor's orders, and decided to go ahead and let the creative juices flow ... kind of like God taking a dump.  (Why does a baby’s diaper filled with the results of Gerber Spinach Baby Food anal deposits come to mind all of a sudden?)
LOOK FAMILIAR?   NOW, ABOUT THOSE COBS...

I do hope you’re not eating right now.  
I especially hope you're not eating corn.  Why?  Because corn brings up many questions that need discussing.

How come corn is the only food known to man that never changes shape as it hopscotches through the human body?  Although I’ve never eaten a corn cob, I’m curious as to if it would change shape, or follow suit with the kernels?  After exiting, would the cob look like carnival food on a stick?  And, isn't popcorn really corn, too?  Then, why doesn't popcorn stay looking like popcorn?  (Although I have heard that some people swear they’ve seen Orville Redenbacher's face staring up at them from the bottom of the stool!).

Enough on God taking dumps and corn.  I’ve been away so long, I’m going to use my old JPEG showing the hostesses and the rules to FTSF.  I hope things haven't changed in this respect.
(Wasn’t that a work of art?)

Anyway, today’s sentence prompt is “The Hardest Part About My Day Is...” (which with three periods in a row inside of quotation marks, makes ending the sentence a difficult punctuation task unless you write a stupid sentence inside of the parenthesis like this one).

"So, here goes ..." (I can do it too!).


The Hardest Part About My Day Is the first 24 hours!  
After that’s over, it’s a breeze!

Getting out of bed has always been difficult.  I hate to go to bed at night, and hate to get out of bed in the morning.  I look at sleeping as a waste of time, but sleeping tries to change my viewpoint every morning.  I think I must be bi-polar in that my waking self loves being awake, but my sleeping self loves sleeping.  The two self’s are contradictions of each other, which makes for an internal conflict, similar to constipation.  Luckily, internal gases are not a result of this conflict, or I truly would hate myself! (Anyone for finger pulling?)

Observing stupid people making the news is another difficult part of my day.  Since I’ve been gone, there have been many stupid things occur in the news.

1)  Two dumbasses set off bombs at the Boston Marathon in hopes of making an Anti-American political statement.  Kind of hard to make a statement when the cops shot one full of holes, and have the other one under lock and key after he thought hiding in a boat in a backyard would keep him safe and sound.  (Kind of like hiding under the covers will keep the monsters away when you’re young, isn’t it?  Guess the boat wasn't as bulletproof as the covers were!)
2)  The Aurora shooter pleaded insanity, as I predicted he would the day the shooting occurred.  Hope he meets Slingblade and his lawn mower blade when he gets to the asylum!  Maybe he’ll go well with the “French Fried Taters & Mustard” treats!  “Yep, mmm mmm!”  What a Joker!
AH YES, IF WE AIM BERRY GOOD, WE CAN HIT IT!
3)  The North Koreans finally found out they can hit the ocean with their missiles!  They shot one, hit the ocean, and shot five more, hitting the ocean each time!  Damn, these guys are dead eye shots!  (How do you miss hitting something as big as the ocean!?!?)  
The South Koreans are egging them on, day after day, with chants of, "Betcha can't hit the ocean again!  Betcha, Betcha, Betcha, Betchaaaaaa!"   They do this hoping the North Koreans will waste all their missiles hitting the bottom of the sea!  It seems to be working.  So much for the intelligence of Kim Dumb Dumb!
4)  The I.R.S. targeted certain political groups for audits upon certain leadership directives.  In case you've never been through an audit, it's much like going to the proctologist in that ... “the deeper they search, the more they find, and the more it hurts!”  Personally, I think all politicians should be audited by I,R.S. inspectors (with ointment and rubber gloves) at least once a year.  Maybe then, the inspectors could pull the politician's heads out of the moist darkness in which they relentlessly reside!  
I wonder if God goes for his annual procto check-ups?  Can you imagine being the doctor about to shove your hand up God's butt?  Since God is supposed to know all, would you have to tell him, “This is gonna hurt!”
5)  Obama has had the NSA spying on Americans on the Internet.  It’s called visiting Facebook pages, folks!  Obama figured since most government employees spend most of their day social networking anyway, why not have them check out a few new Facebook pages!  They'll tell you everything you need to know!  
Give me ten minutes and I’ll tell you everything Terrye Toombs, Janine Huldie, and Julie DeNeen has been up to since the last time they were virgin brides ... or, at least one of them was ... supposedly!  (I’m not doubting you, Julie ... well, not really ... well ... okay, maybe just a little ... no, I believe you!  Just like you were going to send me a German Chocolate Cake, right?)
6)  Tornadoes hit Oklahoma!   Like that’s never happened before.  If you live in Tornado Alley, you’re gonna get hit by a tornado sooner or later.  It’s like living in New York and being surprised when you see a taxi or a hooker!   Didn't you see the movie "Twister"?
Duh ..... MOVE!

SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE SHE COULD GIVE YOU
CANCER, DOES SHE?
 (latimes.com)
And those are just a few of the daily news items one has to simply shake their head at.  Unless, of course, you’re amused by Michael Douglas swearing he got throat cancer by having oral sex with his wife. (Kind of like after an evening of oral sex in the 80's when you'd wake up in the morning rubbing your beard, and then remember you didn't have a beard!  The Karate Kid ended those days with, 
"Wax On, Wax Off!)  
But seriously, if exercising one's tongue is discovered to be a cause of cancer, Kanye West and Ellen DeGeneres are in major trouble!

Lately, several things have also added to the hardest parts of my days.  (No, Viagra isn’t one of them, Terrye.  Get your mind out of the gutter.)  Having to limit my computer time to less than two hours a day while my eyes heal has been a nightmare (especially since I have to occasionally use one at work), dealing with yet another birthday was a pain in the butt (but better than the alternative), my 33rd anniversary with my wife could have been much better if I hadn’t of tried to be nice and put in the Blu-Ray “Ted” as a romantic video selection (Well, aren't Teddy Bears supposed to be creatures of love?), and having just discovered my cats' claws have shredded the back of our new love seat in record time makes me decide that cat stew may be in the future dining menu.

I wonder if cat stew would cause a major bowel movement?

Maybe I’ll ask God about it during my nightly prayers.  
If there’s a tsunami tomorrow, perhaps we’ll all know the answer.

(Faletame and Gabriela are now running around in a panic!)


Now, after reading this, aren’t you sorry I’m back?

****Just a quick note to all my friends and followers that emailed me and left comments and birthday wishes on my blogs during my medical hiatus.  You have my complete gratitude for doing so.  (This blog entry hit over 10,000 views by itself because of it!)  Sometimes, it's hard to understand that there are still great people in the world as we usually hear about the evil or stupid ones.  You don't know how much it meant to see that there are those that care, and will stick by you even when you're down.
Also, to the multitudes that had birthdays and special events that I missed during my absence, my apologies.  I hope your day was a joyous one and filled with all sorts of goodies.  However, if you're still looking for a present from me,the cat stew will soon be on its way!  :) 


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37 comments:

  1. I am so happy to see you back and just know you were totally missed my friend. I will say this though I saw Ted, too, because I actually got it from Kevin as a gag gift for Christmas and seriously all the funny parts were in trailer. Longest movie of my life, enough said, lol!! Welcome back!!! :)

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    1. Janine - My friend it's good to be back, if only in a lessor capacity for a while. Ted was a ridiculous choice, as well as movie. Still, I could have done worse, as it was a toss-up between "Ted" and "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 3D" in the romance department. (Perhaps the latter would have been more fitting!) Many Thanks!

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  2. Yay!!! You're back! That last paragraph was so sweet.

    I just got caught up on all the news right here on your blog. And the part about the NSA and your references to Terrye, Julie and Janine cracked me up!

    Welcome back! Now, don't over do it. ;-)

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    1. Kate - Good to see you again! Yeah, I got kinda mushy, didn't I? lol You guys do mean a lot, regardless of what some people think. Glad you enjoyed this piece! Many Thanks!

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  3. I am so thrilled to have you back my friend...a fellow sarcastic smartass...I love it. Great piece...very clever...very insightful...and of course hilarious. God taking a dump...just great.

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    1. Michael - It's really good to be back! I couldn't let your sarcastic self stay all alone in the world of female bloggers ... we're outnumbered the way it is! lol Glad you enjoyed this piece. Some may consider it a little over the line, but I believe God's got a sense of humor. He created Honey Boo Boo ... that should prove it! Many Thanks!

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  4. Welcome back, Richard! Glad to see you and your roaring sense of humor again!

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    1. Michelle - Good to see you again! It is good to be back. Glad you enjoyed this. It makes it all worthwhile. Many Thanks!

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  5. hey 'bout frickin time!*

    Hey, I've been real busy representin' the ole Y Chrome Ranch over at the BB&G. Good to have someone whose writing will afford me the opportunity to say (on the occasion I push the metaphorical envelop of taste**) "yeah, but you didn't get mad when Rich wrote that thing about..."

    Anyway good to have you back. It is probably pointless to say, 'take it easy for a while' (visual: Burgess Meredith in the corner with Sylvester Stallone....)

    *lol
    ** do not, I repeat do not smile at that imagery...'cause you know someone (and I don't mean Terrye) is going to say, 'what you are two laughing about back in the classroom there..) and when you get up all serious ready with a perfectly reasonable sounding explanation, I'll lean over and whisper something about "...roo roo"*** and that'll be the end of us.
    *** one of my favorite gender-specific jokes... Dave Barry once wrote that it is one of the few jokes that virtually every guy will recognize and find funny and hardly any female-type person will

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    1. Clark - So good of you to stop in and see my "pushing of the envelope"! lol I've never been one to shy away, as you know. Not everyone will appreciate this, so I'm in the same category as a politician, I guess. Some of the joke lines are gender based, but hopefully, the area is gray enough none will take much notice. By the way, stop chewing gum in the classroom. I need to go out to recess badly! : ) Many Thanks, my friend!

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  6. Do you know how freaking hard it is to be at work and read your post without anyone realizing that I am not entering data!!! Holy Crap you give new meaning to the words Holy Crap!!! I am still laughing imagining God on the holy throne. I really hope you don't end up in hell for that.

    Welcome back!!!

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    1. Kerri - So good to see you here! I really don't intentionally plan on people getting fired for reading this blog ... but, hopefully, if they do, they'll go smiling. :) I believe that God has a sense of humor. He allowed Howard Stern be become popular, didn't he? lol Glad you enjoyed this. Many Thanks!

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  7. Talk about taking the phrase "Holy Crap" to a whole new level!

    I would call this return no less than triumphant! LOL!

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    1. Sarah - Good to see you again! I actually had another part of this where the angels were singing, "Hallelujah", but I cut it for space requirements. lol Really happy you enjoyed! Many Thanks!

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  8. How is it possible I never knew of you until today? Sarah from Sadder But Wiser sent me over and glad she did. I am always looking for someone to talk to about corn poop since it's an obsession in my family. Question of the day: if you were stranded on a deserted island with no food, and you had a corn poop---would you wash it off and recycle it through your stomach again? Yeah, that's dinner conversation around my house. OK funny man I'm going over to click on that GFC button now...

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    1. And just a thought---add some of that corn to the cat stew for texture. You just might wind up on an episode of Top Chef....

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    2. MM - I've been hiding in the bushes for ages now, only allowing a select few to peruse my insanity, perhaps is the reason to your question. Or, perhaps a heat flash allowed sweat into your eyes just as you were coming to my blog. The possibilities are endless! lol In answering your question, I'm afraid I would have to take the corn, plant it, and go fishing while it grew! Some things aren't worth trying to eat twice, like my wife's leftover Hamburger Helper! : ) Good to have you with me! I'll check you out as soon as I can get the chance to do so and try to return the favor. Many Thanks!

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  9. It's been too long since I read your stuff, Rich! Seriously, you had me laughing, especially when you said, "It’s like living in New York and being surprised when you see a taxi or a hooker!" (Being from NYC, I know this is true!)

    Welcome back and hope to hear from you soon!

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    1. Keith - Good to see you, my friend! Really glad you enjoyed this piece. I remember New York well from the times I spent and lived there, too. The taxi and hooker line was as truthful as I could make it. lol Many Thanks!

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  10. Welcome back!!!!!!! I laughed and laughed...of course. Don't go too hard too fast now!!!

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    1. Julie - Thank You! It's really good to be back, even if it is on a limited basis. Glad you enjoyed this (and happy that you're a good sport, too). Keep smiling! Many Thanks!

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  11. YAY to you being back! Thanks to you I now have envisioned God taking a dump for the first time in my entire life and not only that but looking at PlayAngels at the same time. Not sure that's a thank you. This was one hilarious and epic post. Sigh to the stupid people in the news. I have a hard time with them as well. Take care of yourself!

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    1. Kristi - Good to see you visiting! I'm glad I can be back, believe me. I do hope my visuals won't be too disturbing to you (especially while in church)! lol Am very happy you liked this one. Many thanks!

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  12. How could any of us be sorry you're back? I will now replay the "God taking a dump" analogy as frequently as possible when I am frustrated or disgruntled about something. Somehow you make all the stupid people in the news more palatable- is that a good thing? SO happy to see you again, and glad you linked up with us! Welcome back!

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    1. Stephanie - Really good to see you, again! This was one of those posts that seemed to write itself. (Scary, isn't it? lol) Glad you enjoyed it! It is good to be back, although my emails are showing perhaps this topic might have hit a few the wrong way. C'est le vie! Many Thanks!

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  13. hahah!! I can't tell you which part of your post was the best! Welcome back!

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    1. Roshni - Seriously, good of you to stop in! I'm happy you liked this little piece. Sometimes, the writing is easy. This one fell into that category. It's good to be back! Many Thanks!

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  14. Welcome back. Glad your birthday was good. Looking forward to hearing how the cat stew works out - I can't begin to imagine what that would be like!

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    1. Considerer - Thanks for dropping by! The birthday was, shall we say, a day that will forever live in the depths of forgetfulness. I really have a hatred of that day as it tends to separate me further and further from my youth. Still, not having one would mean the end had arrived, so, what the hell. Live it, survive it, and move on. lol The ASPCA gave me a call about the cat stew. Faletame and Gabriela are sitting back, lounging smugly, with smiles on their faces. It may not come about ... for a while. Something about premeditation, or something like that. Glad you enjoyed! Many Thanks!

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  15. Great to see you back! I am moonlighting on blogs so I found you here! I missed your funny humor, and yes I laughed all the way through!

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    1. Nell - So good to see the rose of the British Isles, again! I've missed you! I'll definitely have to search your blog out, as I'm staying away from HP's in protest of their actions against creative writers, except to move my selections to the "Previously Released on Hubpages" section of this blog. Glad you enjoyed this one! Many Thanks, my dear!

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  16. Hi Richard! So glad you're back!! And with a bag of butt jokes. Nicely played Oh Great One. xxxooo

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    1. Cheryl - Really good to see you again!! I tried to set the tone with the first line I wrote. I think many missed the literal translation of that first sentence. lol It has been a while since I did a real blow out type blog entry, so, what the hell, let's separate the hardcore from the casuals. I've got a lot of catching up to do on many blogs (yours included), but I'm really limited by the time I'm allowed on a computer daily by my doctors. Seems eyes shouldn't focus on a set, illuminated object for any length of time while they're healing. But if you all will have patience, I'll soon be back as a constant visitor to your blog and many others. Thanks for everything! :)

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    2. Take your time. I can wait. xxoooo

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  17. 10,000 views? Holy schnikes! Are you for realz?
    Anyways, happy belated birthday, glad you're getting better and I have one "probing" question for ya:
    What if God is a girl?
    HAHAHAHAHA.

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    1. Cyndi, my dear ... so very good to see you here! Yeah, it surprised me, too! I think people were just checking to see if I had died or something. lol Now, as for your question, it's easy ... change all the pronouns to feminine sense and give her a PlayAngelette magazine! Oh, and leave out the procto joke. :) OMG, I'm starting to picture my wife's passed mother. Forgive me! lol Many thanks!

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  18. This made me smile! My first time at your blog - here from FTSF - hello! :) I want to invite you to join in at my blog hop "I Don't Like Mondays" It's live now and every Monday. Hope you don't mind me leaving you the link in the comments. http://wp.me/p3F9ax-nk Hope to see you there! :) Linda (elleroy was here)

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