Ten Things Of Thankful : Yep, It's That Time Again!

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There's a child screaming outside.  No, they're not screams of pain or anguish, they're screams of entertaining oneself.  

I wonder if I haven't missed out on something by not screaming over the years?

Kids don't mind screaming.  In fact, they enjoy it.  Check them out in the supermarket sometime.  There are screams of boredom, screams of frustration, screams filled with anger, and screams of hurt because they're not getting what they thought their screams would get them.

There are times these screams get to me.  In fact, most of the time I would prefer no screaming at all.  No eardrum piercing, shrieking, sonic rattling screams would be a Godsend for me.  Of course, for that to happen, children may have to disappear.  

"I Want I Want I Want I Want I Want I Want..."

No, I'm not talking about doing anything bad to kids.  

(Although, now that I think about it ...)

Can you imagine if all the children of the world suddenly disappeared for a week?  Let's say that an alien spaceship was to appear overhead.  Telepathically, they communicate to each person on Earth that the children will disappear from our world for a one week period, after which they will be returned completely unhurt or unaware that they were even gone.  These aliens are hypnotic in their message, so no parent or person seems concerned about the kids disappearing for a week.

What would you do that one week if worry and fear were completely alleviated from your psyche?

I am curious as to this answer.  Would the military take advantage of not having to worry about child deaths and attack the enemies without mercy striving to gain a battlefield superiority?  Would the government stop subsidizing the school lunch programs?  Would your favorite daycare still charge you even though none of the children could attend?

Or, would you simply party your ass off?

Would this be a week that you could let loose and get drunk each day since no one had to pick up the little bastards after piano/basketball/soccer/dance/gymnastics practice?  Would it be a week that couples wanting to initiate an affair do so without fear of the little tykes wandering in and catching them in the act?  Or, would it escalate more changes to McDonald's Happy Meal menu?

"Gee, Aliens write in English, too!"

What I really question is how the adults will react after when the children return?  Will there be guilt to deal with that will be taken out on the children, since nothing would happened if they’d never left in the first place?  Will the adults look at the kids in a new light as becoming unwanted obligations instead of family responsibilities?  Or, will everyone simply going back to their same old boring life, picking up, washing, feeding, and harboring nonsensical question after nonsensical question?  

I wonder if some would even realize they were gone, or that they’d come back home?

By the way, did you see the spaceship flying in the sky above you today?

Anyway, this is another edition of Ten Things of Thankful.  This is where we all tell you the things that made us thankful (as if you couldn't derive that from the title) over the last week or so.  Most of the entries in this hop are filled with joy and compassion.

You're in the wrong place for that here!  Still, news wise, it's been a tough week.  Not a lot happening.  But, not one to give up, let's see what we can do.

So, without further ado, let's get this thing moving!

I'm thankful for:

"Let's screw them all over
and make some big money
... as your next President,
that is!"

1)  ... greedy lawyers.  There is a case in Southern California that is beginning to make national news.  Seems a Little League Baseball coach is suing one of his players for $500,000 for throwing his helmet.  Seems this helmet came down on his leg and tore his Achilles Tendon.  He was only going to sue for damages, which would be $20,000, but his lawyer put down $500,000 on the paperwork.  

Now, since most Little League participants sign paperwork relinquishing liability for flying balls, bats, etc., the case really doesn't have much to stand on.  Here's a kid that crosses home base to win the game that tosses his helmet in the air.  Now, unless the helmet weighed 50 lbs, the chance of it injuring an adults Achilles Tendon is slim.  (I'd say the adult coach injured it jumping up and down in elation after his player won the game!)  

But, here is this greedy, money grubbing, sleazeball lawyer who wants to hit his own home run in the courts and files for 25 times the amount the idiot coach originally asked for!  If the case was settled for half that amount, the lawyer just made $50,000 at a 20% contingency fee basis, and all of our insurance costs rise!  (Careful folks, sounds like the next Presidential Candidate in the making!)

2)  ... Russian computer virus developers.  It's been discovered that the virus that compromised personal and confidential information on credit and debit cards at Target, Neiman Marcus and four other retailers was developed by a seventeen year old Russian that then sold it to hackers.  Millions now have their information floating around in the hands of these identity theft and bank account robbing hackers.  

"Take the Olympic Credit Card Cash And
Let's Go To Vegas!!"

In a month, the Olympics will be held in Russia.  I'm betting that if you watch the events, you're going to see ads from Visa, MasterCard, Discover and many more credit card companies.  Also, there will be people from all over the world using credit cards there.  Makes one wonder how safe these folks are going to be if that seventeen year old had any friends like himself, doesn't it?  ("What do you mean I spent $8300 on Russian porn sites????   I was there and none of the girls were worth looking at!!!)

3)  ... Hiroo Onoda.  This was the Japanese soldier that stayed in the jungle for almost 30 years after World War II because he didn't know that the world was over.  He died this week at 89 years of age.  I imagine when he finally came out and discovered the war was over, he was asked multiple times why he didn't come out earlier.  I suspect it might have been, "I knew if I waited long enough my mother-in-law would be dead!"   (You have to be a guy to love that one!)

4)  ... Michelle Obama.  The First Lady turned 50 years of age on Friday.  Said her husband, "She doesn't look a day over 50."  It's suspected that the Vice President will be sworn in as President as soon as the courts decide to turn off the artificial life support systems.

5)  ... Ohio's new execution drug.  This week found Ohio experimenting with a new drug to execute those on Death Row.  Dennis McGuire, convicted for raping and murdering by stabbing a newlywed, Joy Stewart, took over 25 minutes to die once injected with the drug combination.  Although some proclaim this to be cruel and inhumane punishment, supporters of the death penalty see this as a way to proclaim "Overtime" and sell more tickets since the show will now last a little longer.  (Yeah, like I'm gonna feel sorry for a rapist and a murderer who had no mercy on his victim!  C'mon folks, you know me better than that!)

"Whose damn cats are laughing?"

6)  ... Westminster Dog Show.  After 138 years, the show is finally going to allow mixed breeds into the competition.  None will be allowed for the Best Of Show title, but they will be used in the new agility trials at the next show.  The German Shepherd/ Pug mix will compete against the Dachshund/ Pit bull mix in the "Let's see who can make it over Niagara Falls on a wire" event, and the Collie/ Terrier mix will compete against the Russian Wolf Hound/ Beagle mix in the "So, you think you can ride the electric bull" event!"  All survivors will be awarded a bowl of Purina Dog Chow and a vasectomy.  (My cats are laughing their asses off at that one!)

7)  ... Apple and Samsung.  Without these two companies, neither the I-Phone or the Android would exist.  Where would we be if we had to stick our heads outside to see what the weather was doing, calculate math problems longhand, or actually put on a CD to listen to music?  In a study this week, it was revealed that these two companies are leaving all others in the dust with their advanced technology and have combined 68% of the market.  I'd be happy to continue this information for you, but I lost service on my I-Phone just as it was getting good.  Seems they've just built another tower close to where I live, but the signal is too high to connect to with my phone.  (Guess I'm going to have to go out and buy a 2,000 foot ladder to order a pizza!)

"Okay, you distract him with the veggies, and I'll
screw him out of his change, and we'll split
the profits!  It's called the Subway Tango!"

8)  ... Subway.  Nearly two weeks ago, I was double teamed by their cashier and sandwich maker and cheated out of $5 change.  I waited a week for the owner to call me, and never heard a thing.  So, this week, I visited their corporate site and filed a complaint.  Granted, it's only been five days, but I still haven't heard a thing.  So, unlike many of their competitors, Subway has basically told me that customers don't matter.  In turn, I'm telling them, by writing here for them and all others to read, that they don't matter to me.  I hope they take that $5 and jam it up Jared's sandwich release tube as there are many other places to eat that don't screw over customers.  (Gee, I feel much better now!  Anyone for tacos?)

"Rich, I know you're one
hot man, but I'm married!"

9)  ... Jennifer Nettles.  Why?  Because regardless of the fact you may not like Country Music, and regardless of the fact she just released an album after just having a baby, you have to admit she's still one hot lady!  Of course, we're all betting she's been around the block a few times, but that's to be expected of an entertainer.  (I remember when I was on the road doing stand-up comedy and ... oops, almost told on myself!)

10)  ... Good Web Friends.  I do my best to visit blogs, especially in hops.  I usually do this when at work on my I-Phone, and since I hate fumble typing on the damn thing, seldom leave comments.  My views and comments on this blog continue to rise because of good people like you, the reader, that understand I work over 70 hours a week and have extremely blurry vision by the end of the day, making it hard to go back and comment.  I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you that take the time to read and comment here.  It means much more than you realize.  You're the reason I still do this stuff.  (That and Lizzie with her damn cat 'o nine tails!)  Sincerely, Many Thanks!

*************************************************

Yeah, I saved the mushy stuff for last.  Not really my cup of tea, but then I drink coffee or Diet Coke for the most part.  Tea is too gentle on the stomach.  I need something that eats away kidney stones!  Diet Coke has never let me down!

Ciao!

Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday: New To Me In 2013

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I had just settled down for a short Winter's nap when I heard such a clatter, I picked up my I-Phone to see what was the matter.  

I'd forgotten about a Mix-Tape hop again, but was reminded by a Tweet that Jen did send.  

Twas to be about something new that hit my music senses in 2013, but, it didn't have to be a new artist, or even someone like Keane.  

Just something I'd discovered, something new just to me, "Yes" I said to myself, something to share with all of thee.  

So, here we go children, it's music knowledge to the test, some new things I enjoyed last year the best.

January was light in my collecting scheme then. My album downloads only totaled ten.  Choosing one from this group to share with a snort, came the "Edge of the City", by the Kinsey Report!

February's snows were beautiful, that we all seen, my album downloads only totaled fifteen.  Several compilations included, I've gone for the power, some kick ass rockin' from a group known as Stone Sour.

March hit us hard, right between the eyes.  Rain, rain, and more rain, and too old for mud pies.  Twenty-nine album downloads, yep, I went crazy as crazy goes, still, here's a nice jazz selection from Marion Meadows.

April, this was the month showers were supposed to fall, but winds blew hard and tornadoes did call.  Thought last month was bad, album downloads totaled fifty-three.  My wife thought my obsession was sick, until she heard the fantastic blues artist Ana Popovic!

May, good weather, business picked up every day.  My time, so precious, spread thin in every way.  Still, music album downloads did matter, again, totaled fifty-two.  Caught up on some oldies, but a new group of rockin' gliders, made up of Thin Lizzy refugees, called the Black Star Riders.

June, I feel guilty, no tan for Summer pic's, my music album downloads totaled this month seventy-six.  While others were swimming and eating Summer feeds, I recorded a couple of albums from Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

July, air conditioning running, like the sweat off of me.  Damn, album downloads this month dropped down to sixty-three.  Lot of oldies on sale for downloads, and some new ones there, too.  One for sure will make you sick, heard a million times, "Blurred Lines", from Robin Thicke.  (Unrated Video Version)

August, more heat, one wonders when will Summer ever end.  Trees are wilting, leaves are drying, branches do bend.  Days are becoming such a bore, still album downloads held steady numbering a new sixty-four.  Secretly waiting and quietly hoping for a much needed Fall, still music included a new album from KT Tunstall.

September, kids are going back to school, adults can enjoy and act the fool.  Now is time to have some fun, so why do album downloads total eighty-one?  Yet, kind of quiet and kind of funny, without kids we can play Cyril Neville's "Magic Honey".

October, back to a routine, life's kind of fine.  Relax on music album downloads, total only forty-nine.  Life at work is slow, sales pressure swirlin'.  Still, what else to do but sit back and rock to Anberlin.

November, weather's changing, no slushes sold at Seven Eleven, music album downloads dropped all the way down to twenty-seven.  One of my old favorites returns with a new set, who can refuse the 90's band, Toad The Wet Sprocket?

December,  holiday seasons have smacked us in the butt without pity, my music album downloads are back up to sixty.  All in-laws have left, coming back, we hope never.  So we sit back and relax to Lissie's "Back To Forever".

2013 was a hell of a year for my collection.  I started the year with over 6,500 albums, and counting the cd's I bought at stores, my download/ purchase count took me up way over 7,000  (exact count still withstanding).  

And, not once did I spend $15.99 for a cd.  (So take that Jay-Z and Beyonce!)  No, normally, I bought many on sale for anywhere from $2.99 up to $9.99.  Trouble is, 1) where to store them since my stereo room is filled to the ceiling, and 2) when in the hell will I ever get a chance to listen to them all!

OCD ... it's not for everyone!

Ciao!

(By the way, all music album downloads came from Amazon.com and were legally purchased.  In no way do I believe in illegal downloading.  
It's a crime so, seriously, Don't Do It!)

Ten Things Of Thankful: Yeah, I'm Back To Normal!

Get Off Your Butt and Visit All The Other
GREAT Blogs in this Hop!!!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, fasten your seat belts and put on your helmets.  We're about to enter into the Ten Things Of Thank You Zone.  Please put your hands together in a warm welcome for our star attraction and host, the one and only, a tremendously great person, and a sister of mine from another set of parents, our primary hostess, LIZZI!!!!"
(and 57 other hosts too numerous to mention)

Okay, is that enough glut kissing 

for this week?

Last week, several of you mentioned that you thought the holidays had "softened" me up a little.  Actually, I was doing my best to not be as cynical and sarcastic as usual.  I thought it might be a way to draw in a new group of readers that would think me kind and gentle in nature.  A group that would appreciate the rantings of an old man that had been around the block once or twice.  A group that would lie waiting the following week for more of the same as they find in other "Thankful" hop offerings.

And, once the trap is set, the boom is lowered!

Yeah, I'm going back to the ass that has been my signature trademark over the last couple of years.  Like it or not, it's me, and I'd be a fool to change it.  

Does a leopard change its spots.  

Does a zebra change its stripes?  

Does a release of body gas change its odor?

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Anyway, it's back to sarcasm, cynicsm, and analytical observation.  Call me the Andy Rooney of the web if you'd like, or, simply call me an ass.  Either way, the shoe would possibly fit my mouth.

So, let us begin our weekly trek into the strange and the unknown.  It ought to be interesting since I've been sick with some sort of flu bug for three days and haven't given this any thought whatsoever.  

Yeah, Lizzi's sitting on the edge of her seat right now, wondering how far this will go.  Just for you, my dear, I'll try to keep it respectful.

And, yes dear, the moon is made of green cheese.  I ate some earlier.  

You read the gas statement above ... right?

So, again, it's now time for Ten Things Of Thankful!!!

I'm thankful for ...

"Driving?  Oh, you mean I'm supposed
to be driving?  Who knew?"

1)  ... slow drivers in fast lanes.  What a boring place the world would be without some moron driving 20 mph below the speed limit in the fast lane.  It's so exciting to watch brake lights flash and vehicle nose dive as they come up quickly on the tail end of these wonderful individuals.  Whatever possesses them to live in the realm of excitement and danger is beyond me.  Most tend to be more concerned with texting or talking to someone else to realize the position in which they've put themselves.  (Still, you have to admire the fact that they display their stupidity with courage!)

Bad? Sure,but guess what,
I'm not as bad as some others!

2)  ... McDonalds fans.  Recently, there have been a hoard of articles condemning food from restaurants other than McDonalds.  A Philadelphia group conducted a survey to prove that restaurant food in places other than chains like Mickey D's had just as many, if not more, calories, as well as more sodium and other nasty chemicals.  So, it's not a matter that Mickey D's is bad for you, they've now taken the fun out of going to any restaurant and enjoying a meal.  In other words, stay at home and have a salad filled with chemically tainted lettuce and tomatoes.  Amazing, it's not how bad food can be, it's simply a matter of finding some that's worse to make yours seem better!   (I guess these guys HAVE been taking lessons from politicians!   Duhhhhhhhhhh!)

"Yeah, I was in that movie, too!  I bet you'd
have seen me there if I was taller!"

3)  ... Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.  I re-watched this film this week (When you're sick what else is there to do?) and saw an old friend.  During the pod race, there, sitting next to the future Darth Vader's owner, was the little person that held the starring role in Willow!!!   I guess he found a friend in George Lucas and took advantage of that relationship to stay working.  Of course, he couldn't have ever have become a big star, at least not literally.  Not at under four feet tall.   (Hey, damn it, at least I didn't use the old descriptive phrase "midget"!)

What?  You expected ice to talk?

4)  ... ice.   Yes, I said ice!  Not necessarily the ice and snow type, but the type you have in the freezer of your refrigerator if it's working properly!  Think of how lousy some drinks would be if you didn't have ice.  I mean, Starbucks alone would lose thousands of dollars a week if people didn't drink their iced coffee variations.  Of course, these people are idiots as they could simply save the coffee from breakfast and use it later in the day with some ice and flavoring, but what the hell, idiots are idiots.  Without ice, the phrase, "...on the rocks" would either become a thing of the past, or be a phrase for those that wished to moisten their kidney stones!  Slushes would become only syrup and water!  And, much to the dismay of kids of all ages, ice cream would become only cream!  Thus, a Coke Float would become ... well, crap!  (Never thought of ice that way, did you?  Must be suffering from "brain freeze", huh?)

Child services in France has denounced
the following as role models ...

5)  ... Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.  These two have recently had their newest videos pulled from daytime television in France because they are considered too racy.  In other words, if you want the smut, you have to stay up after 10 p.m. to see it in France.  When I was growing up, France was the leader in racy material.  Any movie made in France was to be viewed late at night.  Isn't it nice to see that America has lowered its standards and become the new world leader in smut?  Kind of warms the heart, doesn't it?  (Excuse me, I forgot it's time for your nightly visit a Russian porn site.  "Nyet?")

"We'll always get more than we
give, of that, you can be sure!
You think we're crazy!"

6)  ... Jay-Z and Beyonce.  Both of these artists love to proclaim themselves generous to and loving of their fans.  I guess that's because both of them have decided to become the leaders in raising the prices one pays for a cd these days.  Both have come out with new music in the last few months at a price tag of $15.99.  Now, I really don't care if you think you're God's gift to mankind, I'm not going to pay that for a single cd.  In fact, I may never again buy one of their cd's.  My life is going along fine without them as I've found no shakes or late night sweating attacks without purchasing their latest attempts to bilk the American public.   After amassing a collection of close to 7.000 cd's and over 127,000 songs, these two may have just helped me start the break the OCD.  (Damn, can't let these greedy bastards hear that, they'll try to find a way to sue for psychiatric fees!)

"I did not have relations with ...
oops, wrong speech!"

7)  ... New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  Finally, an honest politician ... of sorts!  No hidden backstabbing for Christie.  No, just good old "You F**k with me and I'll F**k with you" in the open!  Trouble is, he's now trying to cover this up by blaming it on others.  Story goes that since Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Skolich (a Democrat) refused to endorse Christie (a Republican) for governor last November, Christie said "Take this" and closed the interstate off ramp to Ft. Lee for four days last September.  If Christie would only man up and take responsibility, I'm sure he'd gather more votes for being a man than his opponents could ever gain for being backstabbing asses pretending to be holier than thou saints.  Alas, I'm afraid it was just too good to be true.  (Once an lying politician, always a lying politician!)

"Is that your mom over there sleeping
on the picnic table?  Oh, it's MS
prevention week!

8)  ... drinking alcohol.  No, I never thought it would be happening, but a Swedish study has proven that women who drink cut down the risk of developing Multiple Sclerosis 50%.  That's right!  You cut down your chances of getting MS 50% if you drink more that 4 ounces of either wine or spirits per week.  Of course, your kids may go hungry and your husband may look for a woman whose body odor doesn't always remind him of his college room mate after a wild weekend, but you'll reduce your chances of getting MS.  So, drink yourself into a frenzy and enjoy life without MS or a driver's license!  (At least that way you won't have to worry about picking the kids up from soccer practice!)

"How much they paying you to pose?"
"I don't know.  How much are they
paying you to pose?"

9)  ... Pawnation.  This website has just published an article about how to keep cats warm in winter.  It discusses an creating an outside shelter, making sure a water bowl doesn't freeze, putting anti-freeze in a place cats can't get to it, and then, of all things, it comes up with a sure fire way to make sure your cats don't get cold ... "Keep them inside."   What a revelation!!!  Why didn't I think of that???  The answer is so simple yet so complex.  Who would ever have thought of keeping a house cat inside in the winter?  Just because we keep them inside in the Summer, I'm sure we all thought of letting them run free in the freezing Winter.  Why, of course we're all idiots without a brain.  That's why we all go around singing, "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz!!!  (Sometimes, you just gotta wonder who approves stuff like this to be published on a corporate website!  Remind me to never visit their sponsor!)

"So, what does this tell you?  That's
right, I'm hungry and munching on a
f**king cookie.  God, you're a genius!"

10)  ... body language experts.  Speaking of Governor Christie, it has now been expressed by body language experts that the governor was lying when he stated he knew nothing of the exit closure.  I've read several books on body language, and most conflict with each other.  Eyes looking the wrong direction, arms clenched, leaning forward to emphasize a point, etc. ... seem to mean different things to different experts.  Of course, this goes along with many of my other philosophies concerning experts in the topic in which I minored in college ... psychology.  To me, psychologists are just like meteorologists.  "If you get it right, you look like God.  If you get it wrong, blame it on God!"  (What was the Beatles song, "I say Yes, you say No, I say Why, you say I don't know"?  Yep, it's all just like that!)

And, as a famous pig would say, 

"That's All Folks!"

Another week, another thankful post.  At least, and you gotta admit,

 it's a little different than the rest!

Ciao!

EXTREME REALITY SHOWS OF THE FUTURE (or, "Damn, Did I Just See That?")

With the demand for reality television programming greater than ever before, producers are constantly on the look out for ideas that will pull in audiences.  Since many have proven that the more stupid the show the more of an audience share it will pull in, here are some ideas for future evenings of non-thinking idiocy.

1)  Shoplifting for Dollars     
This show will give America's greatest shoplifters an opportunity to show their talents by dropping them off at an unknown department store and giving them twenty minutes to see what they can come out with.  Points will be given for size of items, value of items, and number of items.  Show will run season after season, giving men, women, children, and the elderly opportunities to participate.  Season champions will be allowed to keep all merchandise stolen, while all others will automatically be guest contestants on our next show.

2)  Police Department Tales From The Booking Desk     

This promises to be filled with violence, comedy and touching stories from those who don't believe the belong in jail.  See fights break out when drunks and meth users refuse to have fingers inked and pictures taken.  Hear celebrities bitch and moan about their celebrity immunity as their body cavities are searched by Bubba's with very thick and calloused fingers.  And, sit back and laugh as mugger after mugger pleads their innocence to public defenders who could care less about them.  From shoplifters to murderers, Police Department Tales From The Booking Desk promises to supply you with a thrill a minute, or at least one per episode.


3)  Wise Cracks / Butt Cracks      
"Big crack, Big crack, who has the biggest butt crack???"  Follow our butt crack expert, Harry Cheaks, as he surprises plumbers, cable installers, and Mexican roofers around the country to find out who has the biggest butt crack.  Entrants will be judged on size of crack, grossness of crack, and if any portion of the crack is covered by underwear or not.  An extra 50 points will be given if any of those selected are caught by the hidden camera scratching their ass while eating lunch or picking their noses.  

4)  Stalker Stalker, Where's The Stalker?    

Feel like you're being watched.  Well, you just might be!  Funny thing is it's not just one person doing the watching, but millions of viewers watching intensely.  The tension builds as we follow a stalker around the back of your house and film what really goes on inside of your bedroom.  Pull out the vibrators and put in new batteries as we guarantee we'll be right alongside your favorite stalker as they watch you pleasure yourself.  And, be careful what you're reading as you sit on the stool as we observe your habits from the bathroom window.  Whether it be "50 Shades of Gray" or "How to Increase Self Pleasure", be with us as we visit you in Sunday School and announce our findings in front of the entire congregation!  Could it be you this week?  Or, you?  Or, you?   Only your stalker knows for sure!

and last but not least ...

5)  Gyno Wino     
This promises a half hour of solid laughter as women go in for their gyno examinations and find a drunken doctor waiting.  Will they proceed or will they run?  Will they enjoy the hand that shakes incessantly, or will the feet leave the stirrups when wine douches are mentioned?  Sit down the kids and invite the neighbors to this weekly laugh fest.  But be careful.  You never know what doctor we'll be visiting next!  Shave, wax or go natural, just remember your neighbors will see you in a different light from this day forward!  

There are, of course, many other possibilities, but those may be posted in the future.  

Just remember, 

"Cameras are Everywhere!"

Ten Things Of Thankful: Holidays Are Over!

See All The Great Blogs In This Hop HERE!!!!!!!!

The holidays are over 

for another year!  

Hip, Hip, Hooray!

(Now, Wal-Mart shoppers will have to wait another eleven and a half months to rip each others heads off in fits of shopping passion.  One would think we'd have come up with a better form of population control by now, wouldn't one?)

Our excuses to pig out on sweets and fatty foods have worn thin, unlike the waist size increase we exhibit.  Old acquaintances are not forgotten, but only lie in wait to attack us by surprise in the New Year.  And, possibly the most fearful of all, Lizzi and all the other hosts expect us to continue this Ten Things Of Thankful post as if new and wonderful items have appeared under the tree to keep us from looking like the stuttering fools many of us are.

(N-n-n-no pr-problem, Lizzi!  

Virginia got Santa to leave a bunch of new thoughts and delicacies to post ... NOT!)

So, as I end my vacation hiatus and return to the rank and file, let us begin the listing of this week's

TEN THINGS OF THANKFUL!!!

"I'm thankful for ...."

1)  ... the ending of the holiday season, also known as the worst time of the year to be a diabetic.  The endless offerings of fudge, candy, and pastries provide sadists the opportunity to see you squirm with each denial of their so called holiday spirit provisions.  I only gave in one time to a solitary piece of peanut butter fudge, and must admit, didn't find it as tasty as I was promised.  Perhaps my taste buds are simply getting old and finding it harder to enjoy the finer things in life.  (Or, perhaps the maker of the fudge didn't really know what she was doing and sucked at making fudge!)

"Where's My Ear & Nose?!?!?!?"

2)  ... cheaply made cat toys.  Faletame and Gabriela had a complete ball ripping apart the Chinese offerings of fluffy stuffed animals and weird, geometric shaped catnip toys.  It took them all of twenty minutes to waste the ten dollars I spent on providing them with items to claw and shred besides the back of a one year old love seat they've favored as of late.

3)  ... $19 a month.  Recently, I've learned that if I send $19 a month to the ASPCA or to the Wounded Warrior Program, I can either save the life of a pet or help the life of a vet.  I'm still trying to figure out where this money actually goes to, and why both groups came up with the same monetary amount.  Either it doesn't take as much to help vets as our government would want us to believe, or someone feels as though an animal deserves the same treatment as a handicapped hero.  Then, there's always a third option that it's the same group collecting the donations and laughing all the way to the bank as they bilk the public of cash.  (Bernie Madoff is still in jail isn't he?)

4)  ... the right to bear arms.  Okay, I know it’s controversial, but have someone try to kick in your home’s back door and see if you don’t feel a little better knowing you have something with which to defend yourself .  Since our attempted break-in, neither my wife nor I feel completely secure in the house.  There are crazy people in this world who don’t give a damn about people doing their best to earn a living the honest way.  With home invasions on the rise, older folks need some way to even up the odds.  They’re to be used only as a last resort, but better to be around to endure the consequences than to become a cold case statistic.

5)  ... long underwear bottoms.  If it weren’t for them, what else would my wife come up with to buy me for Christmas?  Skittles?

6)  ... Carrie Underwood.  Her performance (though not terrible) in the television version of “The Sound Of Music” reminded me how wonderful Julie Andrews was in the lead role.  Stick to Country Music, Carrie!  (At least they didn’t cast Miley Cyrus in the role.  I just can‘t visualize a foam fingered, twerking nun rollicking with giant Teddy Bears!)

7)  ... television screen weather notifications.  Decades ago, one looked out of the window to see what the weather was doing.  Today, local weather forecasters are so full of themselves that they not only interrupt programming with useless bulletins, they take up the bottom quarter of the screen filled with a rolling warning of what counties will be affected.  Folks, snow is snow.  It’s not the end of the world.  Besides, most all of us have weather alerts programmed into our cell phones, so cease the ridiculous crap!  (Oh, and some of us still look out the window!)

8)  ... Office Depot.  Okay, I know this is the second time I’ve bragged about them, but they deserve it.  Saturday evening, I entered their store to find them out of the 100 pks of CD-R’s they’d advertised at a reduced price.  They ordered them in and delivered them to my house by Tuesday.  If our government was only as efficient as Office Depot, we’d be having our income tax refunds sent back to us by overnight mail!  (Hahahahahahahahaha .... like that would ever happen!) 

9)  ... President Obama.  No, I’m not changing my views about politicians (better known as liars, cheats & thieves).  Seems some 1000+ people voted in a Gallup Poll and are proclaiming Obama to be the Most Admired Man in the World.  Obama came out with 16% of the vote, putting him atop the list.  Of course, that meant that 84% of the people voted for someone else, and he wins by default!  

In my humble opinion, no politician should be the most admired man in the world.  That’s like saying it’s okay to lie, steal and cheat the voters while you cater to the whims of the corporations that contributed to your campaign!  I’d like to know where the Gallup Poll was taken and what were the positions of those voting. 

 
Another scary thing was that George W. Bush came in second.  Are we really that sad a society that we look to scam artists and system abusers to admire?  (On the other hand, A&E reports great ratings on its two night/ two part broadcast of “Bonnie & Clyde!”)

(Okay, before I get to Number 10, let me fill you in on something.  Today, at work, I miraculously won a 60" Samsung LED Smart Television valued at $1799.  And I never win anything!!!!

Until today, I've been fairly down and out for luck at work the last two months.  So much so, Thursday night, when I wrote most of this, my next entry was Number 4 on the list.  However, after today's changing of luck, and, in finding out that I actually did make enough at work last month to pay my bills, I'm wondering how prevalent it really is.  Whether you believe or not, one thing's for sure, the strangest things happen at the strangest times.)

10)  ... my religious upbringing.  Having participated in Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian, and Pentecostal Holiness churches when I was young, I have to say environmental conditioning has formed a belief in God within my psyche.  Still, as there is no sanity in the trials and tribulations that I and many I know have been dealt over the last few years (decades), I have to either consider God to be on an extended vacation, or just sitting on the golden throne watching Duck Dynasty with a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door.

After today's change of luck, I may have to retract Number 10!

And that’s it!  Another episode of Ten Things Of Thankful complete!  

View a listing of all the other more serious offerings of this hop here!
Okay, Okay, Damn it! Click here instead!

Until next time, 

Ciao!

Blogging 101: It was the best of times, It was ... too long!

I'm going to ease back into this blog posting trap we set for ourselves, much like an exhausted Sasquatch would ease into a leaky roofed barn looking for a nice dry bed of hay to sleep upon.

(Hey, that's as good an opening sentence as I've written, even if the visual tends to be a little on the imaginative side!)

I took a much needed break from the Blogosphere.  Hiding, some might say.  I was drying up and becoming much too cynical in my outlooks on life.  So, I decided to face real life without the obligations of the computer world we find ourselves chained to at times. 

(Bad idea!)

Even though it allowed me the time I needed to scarf up on fifty-four reduced pricing music album downloads Amazon.com offered over the Christmas Season, I was bored (as well as completely obsessed).  There were many writing topics I wished to cover, but I knew I had to start looking at them from a different perspective.  

(Then the bottom caved in.)

This past December was seriously one of the worst I've ever experienced.  Pressure from a day job that had completely turned sour, an attempted home break-in to give the wife and I much to worry about, and a general feeling of "I'm tired of fighting life's daily battles.  Still being used as your whipping boy, huh God?" seemed to be my constant companion.  Actually, even though it sounds as though I was going through a state of depression, I really wasn't.  

(So, the mind doctors have it wrong again, don't they?)

No, I was looking at my immediate life without blogging distractions.  I knew I seriously didn't have the time to go rollicking from blog to blog, and to be frank, I still don't.  The hours I put in one work week are more than most work in two.  Plus, my wife needed some of my attention, as did my cats (at least to hear Faletame and Gabriela state it ... damn, they just won't shut up sometimes), and my sanity believed, it too, wanted the sanctity of hiding in a roaring asteroid silently soaring through infinity (away from the Earth, not towards it).

So, I did what any supposed writer might do.  I took some time and evaluated my writing.  

1. Was it too sarcastic?  
2. Was it too truthful?  
3. Did I touch too many nerves and run some loyal readers off?  
4. Or, was the quality too rushed and content too negative for the reader to view the humor in that manner?

(And, to be blunt, I still haven't figured it out!

You thought there was going to be a divine revelation, didn't you?)

One major point I found when re-reading my posts with a third person point of view was that they were too long.  Longer than most others I've read.  Not quite the "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" product, but more like the rambling of a person unwilling to shut up and get to the point.

(You're wondering why it ever took me so long to figure that one out, aren't you?)

Actually, I've known that.  However, I considered it my style.  The jokes needed set-ups for impact.  Thus, the set-ups had to become a story to draw the reader in.  Still, the Internet doesn't give one much time for that kind of foreplay.  

So, as 2014 arrives, I have to make a decision.  Do I continue along the same route I've traveled and write long posts, or do I cut them up into several and keep things much shorter?

(As if this post was any example into the shortening process.)

So, in seeking answers, I have decided (without the stench of belly button lint permeating the air) to attempt to keep my posts much shorter.  No, I will not revert to using texting language to do so.  Rather, I will simply stop typing when the topic has been covered and there are no more worthy sarcasms present to exhibit.  (As say a teenage boy would do when his hopes and dreams of sex turn into a premature ejaculation catastrophe. It was good while it lasted but now it's time to go practice mind over matter control.)  

Perhaps this will help readership to grow.  I mean, if one writes, they expect it to be read.  If one reads a book, they expect to be entertained in multiple ways.  If one reads a blog, they expect to skim through it, leave a generic comment, and rush to the next one to repeat the process.  Blogs are not books, nor should they be the length of them.  A writer must keep this in mind.  And, of this, I must say I have been guilty.  (The blog ethics violators electric chair awaits me.)

Thank God Charles Dickens isn’t alive today 

to see the blog world in which we live.  

I can see his "A Tale Of Two Cities" transformed.

“Yeah, good times and bad times.  Sh*t, what do you expect.  

Know what I mean?  Peace Out!

France having bad stuff happening.  Hold the fries and sharpen the guillotine!

Old woman scared the crap out of me with those damn knitting needles.  

Let's ban those f**kin' things before the bitch goes crazy and starts jabbing people!  

No such thing as Politically Correct when you're head's in the basket!

The End ??   

(Hell, there’s no damn way!  I gotsta make money off the sequel!)

Tweet that, sucka!”

I was once under the impression that longer was better.  (At least I’ve had some relationships that was based on that concept.)  I was told "shorter is just as good" was only a myth developed for those lacking attributes of length.  Supposedly, shorter, even if one knew how to use it right, was never quite as satisfying.  

I guess that person never blogged.