BOO!!! It's Halloween, White House Fence Jumping and Armed McDonald's Security Guards.

Boo!

Yeah, I know ... you're shaking in your shoes.

'Tis the season to scare and be scared.  The season is right for goblins, demons, witches, werewolves, vampires, zombies, mummies, and all other creatures of the supernatural to come forth and rule the world for an evening.  Halloween is soon to be upon us!

As a child, I used to relish the idea of Trick or Treating.  Living in the country, I never get to take advantage of going out and collecting candy.  My father worked nights most of the time and my mother couldn't drive.  This meant I spent most Halloweens glued to the television watching old black and white monster movies.  Finally, when I turned nine years old, I had my first chance to go out and experience what all the other kids had been talking about for years.

Here are some of the things I learned that evening:

1. People love to give cheap candy.  Name brands are scarce.  Normally, the cheap varieties of taffy and other teeth pulling chewables await.  This is done to assist the parents in getting rid of the kid's baby teeth without going through the formality of tying a string onto a door knob and watching the child squirm and sweat the final moments before the door is slammed shut.  Damn taffy makers all over the world!
2. Store bought Halloween costumes are meant to barely survive one evening's journey.  I had a Frankenstein outfit to parade around the city blocks.  One slip on a slick curb and the entire inside seam of the right leg burst apart all the way up to the crotch.  So, I'm saying, "Trick or Treat" with one leg of my costume flapping in the wind.  It did make it much easier to go to the bathroom though, I must admit.
3. People who give candy can demand your name just so they can put a "Who?" type of look on their face when they realize they don't have the slightest clue as to who you are.  It's almost like they don't care if you're a kid or not, they're candy is reserved only for those they know and no others.  I felt like going back a second time to these folks just so they'd recognize me and feel better about forking over the sweets.
4. Fat kids have candy given to them by the givers and skinny kids get to reach into the bowls themselves.  I was a fat kid, so I was an immediate threat to the candy bowl.  It was though they thought my hands would grow into gigantic sizes and scoop every bit of candy into my bag, leaving nothing for anyone else.  My hands never grew an inch during Trick or Treating, but my disgust for this type of attitude grew with each stop it occurred.  I remember saying to one giver, "Do make sure Gary gets more than me.  I need more fat friends."  To this day, I wonder if they ever figured out what I was talking about.
5. Teenagers love to chase younger kids with bags of candy.  Again, being a fat kid, my running speed was equal to that of a crawling baby, especially with a flapping costume leg attempting to wrap itself around both ankles.  I barely made it back to my friend's parents car without having to go home empty handed.  This did help me to validate doing the same to younger kids in the future when I became a teenager.  Besides, who wants a bunch of fat little kids roaming around the neighborhood?

I remember arriving home and my parents mandating a search of my stash.  They picked and pulled some of the primo pieces for themselves, which is still a pisser in my memory.  Not only had they refused to take me, now they were taking some of the booty of my efforts.  I announced my displeasure with their actions, and was quickly sent to bed.

Lying there, I let my anger seep out and the fear seep in.  It was the night of the full moon and it was shining brightly in the window beside me.  Something flew by my window (which I just knew was a vampire bat or a witch riding her broom) and I pulled the magical covers up over my head for protection.  (Yeah, I believed that crap just like you did!)

That was the night I gave my life to Satan and became a worshiper of the devil.  Since then, I've hunted Trick or Treaters all over the world and kidnapped them to later bury them alive.  Then, when the parents would cry on television over their missing children, I'd sit back with my demon cat, Gabriela, and get a stomach ache from laughing so hard.  In fact, your children may be my victims this year ... you never know!  

Muhahahahahahha!

I know, that's not very funny.

But, it'll teach your ass for giving out cheap candy to fat kids!

By the way, got an extra Snickers lying around anywhere?

"You really don't think he's joking, do you?"

Oh well, enough with the threats and promise.  It's time to be thankful ... times ten thankful that is.  Lizzi and her wandering band remind us that it's time to appreciate what the world presents us with, instead of wishing for what we don't have.  So, without further ado, let us begin our appreciation.

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Keene Pumpkin Festival Riots.  Police had to resort to wearing riot gear to break up a riot in which fires were set, cars were overturned, and rocks and bottles were being thrown.  New Hampshire's public liberal arts college students, and other members of the community, were enjoying the evening's festivities when a few started throwing bottles, rocks, skateboards, and, according to one student,  "Anything they could get their hands on to throw."

A few students were saddened greatly as they feared the night's violence would hinder future expectations, hopes and dreams.  Said one student, "If this keeps the Great Pumpkin from coming this year, I'm really going to be pissed!"

2)  McDonald's Security Guards.  A security guard attempted to get four unruly customers to leave the local McDonald's last week.  However, one of the customers decided to instead start a fight with the security guard.  In an effort to protect himself, the guard shot off his weapon.  Fortunately for the fighting customer, it missed him.  Unfortunately for the female in the bunch, the bullet entered her wrist.  Police arrested all four of the customers.  However, if a lady received millions of dollars for spilling hot coffee in her lap years ago, you can imagine what this one will receive.  If I were the CEO of McDonalds, this is how I'd pay future judgements:

"I'm Next!
White House, here I come!"

3) White House Fence Jumping.  Another idiot has decided to check out his athletic ability and jumped / climbed over the fence surrounding the White House.  A 23 year old Maryland male, Dominic Adesanya, whose life long wish was to make an ass out of himself by participating in D.C.'s latest craze, landed inside the fence and was immediately stopped by White House security with dogs.  Dominic obviously decided to protect his family jewels from the dogs teeth and kicked at them, which netted him assault charges.  (Please, should I get a wild hair and jump over the White House fence, remind me never to kick at the attacking dogs since they're now considered human being by the judicial system.  I always wanted to sing tenor anyway!)

4)  Dancing Helps Teach Math.  A dance instructor is now using her trade to help teach math skills to students.  It seems since the "No Child Gets Ahead" system went into place, children are missing the standard skills necessary to succeed in life.  So, the "1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4", and the occasional "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8" are at least teaching the order of the numbers most children have only heard about.  (God, this is so damn sad ... but true!  No wonder no one can make change these days without a computer telling them how much to give back!)

5)  Britney Spears.  Remember all the troubles this lady went through?  Well, seems Las Vegas is her kind of place.  Originally, Britney signed up for a payday of $30 million dollars for a two year contract there.  However, since she's been so successful, she's been given a raise now totaling $1 million dollars a week.  (Let's see, if I marry a POS scumbag, divorce them, forget to wear underwear and spread my legs getting out of my SUV, and make a fool out of myself daily, perhaps I could earn that kind of money!  Damn, already tried that.  Doesn't happen.)

6)  North Korea.  What's the country that has demonstrated the worst paranoia concerning the Ebola virus?  No, it's not the United States ... it's Korea!  In fact, for fear of the epidemic touching its populace, Korea has announced that NO foreign tourists will be allowed inside of its borders.  There is no word as to how long the fear factor will be in order, nor if even political diplomats will be included.  (This ruins my chances of visiting their fantastic prison system and spending my vacation there.  OMG, I'm so damn disappointed.  Oh well, there's always Central Africa!)

"So, with no one coming in, what do you think
our chances are of being able to get drunk
and get a couple of tickets to New York City?
We'll be back before the ever miss us!"

7)  New York City.  In a related story, New York City now has joined the popularity ranks of the Ebola craze and has its first case on file.  Dr. Craig Spencer tested positive for the virus on Thursday, and will soon have his own fan club of New Yorkers that were afraid they'd be left out of the news craze concerning the epidemic.  Hoping to spread the wealth after treating patients for the virus in Africa, Dr. Spencer's activities included riding the famed New York City subway system and bowling.  (Isn't it nice to know that a New Yorker can be known for his generosity in demonstrating "it's so much better to give than receive?")

"Ebola, Ebola ... who else has got the Ebola???"

8)  Honey Boo Boo Cancellation.  The Learning Channel has temporarily cancelled further episodes of the "...Honey Boo Boo" series due to a love relationship between Honey Boo Boo's mother and a convicted sex offender.  As it's known that "Mama June" is not married, her choice in future mates is in real question.  This has caused TLC to reconsider filming future episodes, especially since the child that was attacked by the past offender was an 8 year old relative of Mama June.  (Can't you just hear Mama June saying, "Well, iffen he was good enough fer her, he's good enuff fer Honey Boo Boo!  Go git cher swim suit on, Honey Boo Boo.  It's time fer pictures!")

9)  Sen. Mitch McConnell.  The long time Senator from Kentucky is building a reputation for himself in his home state by running one of the dirtiest smear campaigns in state history.  A campaign is so negative it is beginning to turn his support voters to the opponent.  Well known for this type of tactic working for him in past campaigns, the senator has authorized numerous ads depicting Alison Grimes as a pawn of President Obama, a traitor to her fellow Kentuckians, and the biggest liar in political history.  This campaign has become ridiculous, with 9 out of 10 ads smearing Grimes instead of telling what Mitch could or would accomplish, that even fellow Republicans are sick of seeing them on television.  (Yes, Mitch, I said, "Turning your supporters away!  You're proving that you've something to hide with your Senate residency.  We're sick of hearing this crap on television.  Just admit that you are both political scum, accept it, collect all the special interest money that's made you a millionaire many times over, and shut the hell up!")

"Space ... my new
frontier.  These are the
voyages of the Mars crew
O'Donnell's damsels.  Their
mission, to boldly go where
no man has ever gone
before ... nightly!"

10)  Female Mars Crew.  Studies have found that women expend half the  calories of men in space missions.  Thus, half the food would be necessary.  Half the food would mean half the weight.  NASA is considering an all women crew on a future mission to Mars because of this.  (Already, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, and Anderson Cooper have volunteered.  "Enjoy the trip!")  

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

And that's going to do it for this edition of 

"Ten Things Of Thankful."  

Remember, this Halloween, 

when the kids come in from Trick or Treating

 and are all smiles and giggles,

KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF 
OF THEIR CANDY!

CIAO!

P.S.  As I wrote this on Thursday evening, a couple of events took place that need further review.  I apologize for the added length, but here are those items.

11)  Man Attacks Police In New York City.  Four rookie policemen were the target of a man and his hatchet.  As the police officers walked down the street, a man crouched down, pulled a hatchet from his backpack, and charged at the group.  Injuries were sustained by one of the officers before the attacker (a recent convert to Islam) was shot and killed.  (I'm sure the officers heard the attacker scream, "Damn you, the United States, and the Great Pumpkin!")

12)  Night Owling Is Good For You.  According to studies at several European universities, being a night owl is a good thing.  These studies show that Night Owls are: 1) More Creative, 2) Have a Higher I.Q., 3) Benefit from Night Strength, 4) Score Higher on General Intelligence Exams, and 5) Can Remain Mentally Alert for More Hours Than Early Birds.  (Being a Night Owl, I wholeheartedly concur.  Please excuse me, though.  It is now time for my nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

CIAO!!

(Okay, this time I'm gone for sure!)

Ten Things Of Thankful ... Like A Poltergeist, I'm Back!!!

I’m really shocked by our news providers in the United States.

I guess I should be thankful that we have them at all, but, then again, one has to question the news they choose to provide.  

It’s kind of like saying, 

“Hey, there’s a new restaurant going up on the corner … 

oh, it’s a McDonalds.  Bleck!”

For example, take early this week.  There were multiple disasters on which to report.  The Gaza Strip War continued, Hurricane Bertha hit the Bahamas, two hurricanes were aimed at Hawaii, mudslides in the San Bernadina Valley in California stranded thousands, a Chinese earthquake and mudslide killed more than 300, a tornado hit the major metro area of Istanbul, Turkey, and a Bangladesh ferry collapsed with more than 200 on board (over 100 remain missing).  You might think those would be the top stories that the news agencies would cover.

Then again, you must remember the mentality of the modern day newscaster in the states.  

Instead, these were some of the top stories being covered:

1)  Guess what America’s top ten party schools are

     (if you’re sober enough to guess, you’re not attending one),  

2)  Sandra Bullock is Hollywood’s highest paid actress

    (at least outside of the porn industry),

3)  Rare lobster rescued from grocery store

    (get ready for another “hero” story to arrive soon),

4)  Joan Rivers shows her softer side

     (no, she didn’t bare her butt),

    … and who could forget the most important story of the week …

5)  51% of Americans don’t like their Congressmen

    (this is new news???).

This goes along with my philosophy that we are raising future generations of stupid people in the United States through environmental conditioning. Since most educated people are waiting until later in life to have children, the uneducated are the ones creating a major population boom. Soon, they'll all be looking to the educated saying, "How the hell do we feed all these kids we have?" And, when the educated look at them and say, "You should have thought of that when you were pumping like rabbits", the uneducated will retaliate with violence and kill them. We will have come full circle and return to the days of the cavemen!

Like I said, “Stupid people!”

But, most of them can play video games like they’re going out of style!!!

(And, I’m not talking Pac Man or Donkey Kong!)

Perhaps, one day, the world’s future will be decided by kids playing video games.  There’s already been a movie somewhat based on that concept called “Ender’s Game.”  A group of selected youth play a game that ends up almost completely disposing of another world’s population.  Harrison Ford portrays a character that could just about be classified as a bad guy.  

Damn, there went my respect for Hans Solo!

Could this be a near future scenario?  Could we use kids as warriors and push the adults into the background?  Could video game processes and operation be a college degree area in the years ahead?

Or, could there just be an exceptional number of teenage carpel tunnel patients awaiting free medical assistance from the O-Bam-Bama's of the future?

If the doctors treating it are as educated as their patients, we might as well pull out the old “Operation” game of the 60’s, 70's and 80’s and hope we don’t touch the edge of the incisions with the metal tweezers!  ZZZZZZZZZZZZap!!!!!!"

If you remember this game, you are definitely
over the hill ... get used to it!

Anyway, I’ve been away from Ten Things of Thankful for a while.  In other words, I’ve been too damn busy at work to take the time to write.  (Shame when that happens, isn’t it?)  But, in complete disregard of popular opinion, I’m making my return here today.  

My sis, Lizzi, has been very understanding of my absence (she doesn’t read my stuff either, so don’t feel bad) and has not been whipping me with the cat ‘o nine tails as often as she once did.  (Guess she’s getting to old and the arthritis is affecting her swing.)  It’s been nice, but every once in a while, I have to return just to pester everyone with my version of being thankful.

So, without further ado, let the pestering begin!!!

“Hell, I guess I’m gonna have to be thankful for…”

I like that young stuff ... well, I used to
like that young stuff ... well I kind of
remember liking that young stuff ...
damn, too many drugs!

1)  Charles Manson.  Since the late 60’s, Charlie has been a constant reminder about the end of the Peace, Love, Dove Generation.  After manipulating others through drugs and mind control techniques, he persuaded several members of “The Family” to go on a two night killing spree that left seven dead.  We have seen movies, read books, and seen interviews for over 40 years concerning the events and trial.  One would think that enough would be enough.

Fooled you!  Charlie again enters the news again as he’s found true love.  A 25 year old young lady has fallen for the 79 year old prisoner.  Fallen, so hard, that there is talk of wedding bells in the air.  However, let us not be whisked away by a tale of romance just yet.

Let’s think about this.  

1. There are no conjugal visits in California prisons for convicted murderers, so she never has to worry about his saggy ass pumping her, if he could even get it up!  
2. Manson’s name and trademark are worth millions.  Even though he hasn’t been able to capitalize on it while in jail, there’s no reason why she couldn’t after the old bastard kicks the bucket!  Do we see Cupid’s arrows being replaced with dollars signs in the eyes of the beloved?  
3. Sounds like a reality show in the making.  “How my heart was broken by a man I could never touch.”  I think it’s got the Jersey bunch shaking with fear as they worry about the ratings war!

So, thank you, Charlie!  Thank you for being the one asshole in the world that every stupid person can look up to and say, “See mom, if I don’t go to school, treat people like dirt and manipulate everyone I can, and get people to kill for me, I could be just like him!”

And Charlie, stay away from Honey Boo Boo!!!

Geeesh!!!  

2)  Ice Cream Bars.  Don’t ask me why.  Just open the package on one and go to town on it.  You’ll soon understand.  (Just stay away from Walmart’s Ice Cream Sandwiches.  They’re known to survive the fires of Hell without melting, which really makes one wonder if we’re talking Ice Cream or asbestos here!)

3)  The movie “Noah.”  I never knew there were giant stone creatures in the tale of Noah’s ark.  “God, please, tell me what else was left out of the Bible before Hollywood 

surprises me again!”

4)  The Ebola Disease.  We need a 

killer virus to kill off half the stupid people in the world.  This may just be it!

Ebola Virions ... looks kind of like the
inside of the Aliens pod hive, doesn't it?
Where's Sigourney Weaver anyway?

Now, the story goes that Ebola was confined to a small space in West Africa.  People that caught it were dying without fail.  So, what does the State Department decide to allow?  Of course, let’s bring this Ebola to the United States and treat infected personnel here!  We can’t keep individuals from stealing jets and crashing into skyscrapers, but we can easily contain germs we cannot see!  Duhhhhhhh!   (I seriously hope the decision makers in this are the first to go!)

I would love to see all of our beloved (?) politicians make personal appearances with those that are infected.  Why, they can even pledge their life insurance money to furthering the research of a cure for this dreaded alien Ebola.  And, let’s not forget allowing all CEO’s that have multi-million dollar buy-outs in their contracts an opportunity to take every infected individual a sample of their products and personally explain how they can benefit by them.

Making the world a better place is really easy, isn’t it?

6)  Diet A&W Cream Soda. Again, “I don’t know why I love you like I do, I don’t know why I just do….”    

(Excuse me while I belch.)

5)  NFL Preseason Games.  No one cares who wins since the results don’t count on the official record.  So, how dare they call them games!  All they’re actually doing is practicing against someone they don’t see every day so when the coaches get ready to fire a bunch of these guys they’ll have an excuse to do it.  However, the common male viewer also benefits as he has a chance to practice his “Yes, Dears” while perfecting his wife ignoring skills before the real season starts!  (Now that's a REAL Game!!!!)

7)  Papa John’s Pulled Pork Barbecue Pizza.  Add onions to the regular toppings and you’ve got a constipation creator for days!!!  (Hell, if you’re lactose intolerant, go to Subway and tell them, “No Cheese, Please!”)

This was taken during my fat
and stupid years.  Guess What?
I'm no longer fat!!

8)  Britney Spears.  Recently, Britney released a photo of her abs supposedly erasing the last ten years of her life.  Damn, she’s still a stupid bitch!  Abs do not erase marrying a loser, ignoring her kids, forgetting her panties for the press shots, slandering other performers, and just doing stupid thing after stupid thing.  (Maybe we can get her to next do a personal performance for the Ebola infected!)   

9)  Good friends with computer repair skills.  Okay, so I did the stupid thing and bought a new PC a couple of weeks ago after having used a laptop with two multi input USB input hubs for months.  And, “Yes”, I hate Windows 8.  
(Just for the record.)

However, I did find a friend that diagnosed and fixed my old computer for a very minimal fee.  Now I have three laptops and two PC’s to rely on.  All I need to do is grow a few more sets of hands and eyes and I’ll be able to visit and comment on blogs the way I used to do before the 70 hour work weeks became the norm.  (“Yes, dear, I’m happy I have a job.  Yes, dear, it’s bringing in money.  Yes, dear, football is on right now.”)

10)  Tattoos.  Some people love ‘em, some people hate ‘em, and some of us could care less about them.  There’s a new report stating that in addition to the usual infections and problems they can create (Hepatitis, staph infections, and the super bug known as MRSA), some of the ink now being used can carry extreme bacterial infections.

Eye Candy For The Ladies!

So, if you enjoy fevers, shaking chills and sweats, and possible circulatory and heart problems, go ahead and get that flaming Satan devil inside of the blooming, burning flower being held in Garfield’s groin, tramp stamp tattoo.  You’re supporting the tattoo industry, as well as the medical industry at the same time, and they thank you for it! Cha-Ching!!!

Eye Candy For The Guys!

* * * * * * * * *

That wraps up another edition of my version of Ten Things Of Thankful.  If you enjoyed this, I thank you and hope that you’ll take a few minutes to leave a glowing and wondrous comment.  If you felt this uncalled for, well, just wait until my next installment.  I tend to grow more sarcastic with age!

Ciao!!!

Ten Things Of Thankful: Yeah, I'm Back To Normal!

Get Off Your Butt and Visit All The Other
GREAT Blogs in this Hop!!!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, fasten your seat belts and put on your helmets.  We're about to enter into the Ten Things Of Thank You Zone.  Please put your hands together in a warm welcome for our star attraction and host, the one and only, a tremendously great person, and a sister of mine from another set of parents, our primary hostess, LIZZI!!!!"
(and 57 other hosts too numerous to mention)

Okay, is that enough glut kissing 

for this week?

Last week, several of you mentioned that you thought the holidays had "softened" me up a little.  Actually, I was doing my best to not be as cynical and sarcastic as usual.  I thought it might be a way to draw in a new group of readers that would think me kind and gentle in nature.  A group that would appreciate the rantings of an old man that had been around the block once or twice.  A group that would lie waiting the following week for more of the same as they find in other "Thankful" hop offerings.

And, once the trap is set, the boom is lowered!

Yeah, I'm going back to the ass that has been my signature trademark over the last couple of years.  Like it or not, it's me, and I'd be a fool to change it.  

Does a leopard change its spots.  

Does a zebra change its stripes?  

Does a release of body gas change its odor?

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Anyway, it's back to sarcasm, cynicsm, and analytical observation.  Call me the Andy Rooney of the web if you'd like, or, simply call me an ass.  Either way, the shoe would possibly fit my mouth.

So, let us begin our weekly trek into the strange and the unknown.  It ought to be interesting since I've been sick with some sort of flu bug for three days and haven't given this any thought whatsoever.  

Yeah, Lizzi's sitting on the edge of her seat right now, wondering how far this will go.  Just for you, my dear, I'll try to keep it respectful.

And, yes dear, the moon is made of green cheese.  I ate some earlier.  

You read the gas statement above ... right?

So, again, it's now time for Ten Things Of Thankful!!!

I'm thankful for ...

"Driving?  Oh, you mean I'm supposed
to be driving?  Who knew?"

1)  ... slow drivers in fast lanes.  What a boring place the world would be without some moron driving 20 mph below the speed limit in the fast lane.  It's so exciting to watch brake lights flash and vehicle nose dive as they come up quickly on the tail end of these wonderful individuals.  Whatever possesses them to live in the realm of excitement and danger is beyond me.  Most tend to be more concerned with texting or talking to someone else to realize the position in which they've put themselves.  (Still, you have to admire the fact that they display their stupidity with courage!)

Bad? Sure,but guess what,
I'm not as bad as some others!

2)  ... McDonalds fans.  Recently, there have been a hoard of articles condemning food from restaurants other than McDonalds.  A Philadelphia group conducted a survey to prove that restaurant food in places other than chains like Mickey D's had just as many, if not more, calories, as well as more sodium and other nasty chemicals.  So, it's not a matter that Mickey D's is bad for you, they've now taken the fun out of going to any restaurant and enjoying a meal.  In other words, stay at home and have a salad filled with chemically tainted lettuce and tomatoes.  Amazing, it's not how bad food can be, it's simply a matter of finding some that's worse to make yours seem better!   (I guess these guys HAVE been taking lessons from politicians!   Duhhhhhhhhhh!)

"Yeah, I was in that movie, too!  I bet you'd
have seen me there if I was taller!"

3)  ... Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.  I re-watched this film this week (When you're sick what else is there to do?) and saw an old friend.  During the pod race, there, sitting next to the future Darth Vader's owner, was the little person that held the starring role in Willow!!!   I guess he found a friend in George Lucas and took advantage of that relationship to stay working.  Of course, he couldn't have ever have become a big star, at least not literally.  Not at under four feet tall.   (Hey, damn it, at least I didn't use the old descriptive phrase "midget"!)

What?  You expected ice to talk?

4)  ... ice.   Yes, I said ice!  Not necessarily the ice and snow type, but the type you have in the freezer of your refrigerator if it's working properly!  Think of how lousy some drinks would be if you didn't have ice.  I mean, Starbucks alone would lose thousands of dollars a week if people didn't drink their iced coffee variations.  Of course, these people are idiots as they could simply save the coffee from breakfast and use it later in the day with some ice and flavoring, but what the hell, idiots are idiots.  Without ice, the phrase, "...on the rocks" would either become a thing of the past, or be a phrase for those that wished to moisten their kidney stones!  Slushes would become only syrup and water!  And, much to the dismay of kids of all ages, ice cream would become only cream!  Thus, a Coke Float would become ... well, crap!  (Never thought of ice that way, did you?  Must be suffering from "brain freeze", huh?)

Child services in France has denounced
the following as role models ...

5)  ... Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears.  These two have recently had their newest videos pulled from daytime television in France because they are considered too racy.  In other words, if you want the smut, you have to stay up after 10 p.m. to see it in France.  When I was growing up, France was the leader in racy material.  Any movie made in France was to be viewed late at night.  Isn't it nice to see that America has lowered its standards and become the new world leader in smut?  Kind of warms the heart, doesn't it?  (Excuse me, I forgot it's time for your nightly visit a Russian porn site.  "Nyet?")

"We'll always get more than we
give, of that, you can be sure!
You think we're crazy!"

6)  ... Jay-Z and Beyonce.  Both of these artists love to proclaim themselves generous to and loving of their fans.  I guess that's because both of them have decided to become the leaders in raising the prices one pays for a cd these days.  Both have come out with new music in the last few months at a price tag of $15.99.  Now, I really don't care if you think you're God's gift to mankind, I'm not going to pay that for a single cd.  In fact, I may never again buy one of their cd's.  My life is going along fine without them as I've found no shakes or late night sweating attacks without purchasing their latest attempts to bilk the American public.   After amassing a collection of close to 7.000 cd's and over 127,000 songs, these two may have just helped me start the break the OCD.  (Damn, can't let these greedy bastards hear that, they'll try to find a way to sue for psychiatric fees!)

"I did not have relations with ...
oops, wrong speech!"

7)  ... New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  Finally, an honest politician ... of sorts!  No hidden backstabbing for Christie.  No, just good old "You F**k with me and I'll F**k with you" in the open!  Trouble is, he's now trying to cover this up by blaming it on others.  Story goes that since Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Skolich (a Democrat) refused to endorse Christie (a Republican) for governor last November, Christie said "Take this" and closed the interstate off ramp to Ft. Lee for four days last September.  If Christie would only man up and take responsibility, I'm sure he'd gather more votes for being a man than his opponents could ever gain for being backstabbing asses pretending to be holier than thou saints.  Alas, I'm afraid it was just too good to be true.  (Once an lying politician, always a lying politician!)

"Is that your mom over there sleeping
on the picnic table?  Oh, it's MS
prevention week!

8)  ... drinking alcohol.  No, I never thought it would be happening, but a Swedish study has proven that women who drink cut down the risk of developing Multiple Sclerosis 50%.  That's right!  You cut down your chances of getting MS 50% if you drink more that 4 ounces of either wine or spirits per week.  Of course, your kids may go hungry and your husband may look for a woman whose body odor doesn't always remind him of his college room mate after a wild weekend, but you'll reduce your chances of getting MS.  So, drink yourself into a frenzy and enjoy life without MS or a driver's license!  (At least that way you won't have to worry about picking the kids up from soccer practice!)

"How much they paying you to pose?"
"I don't know.  How much are they
paying you to pose?"

9)  ... Pawnation.  This website has just published an article about how to keep cats warm in winter.  It discusses an creating an outside shelter, making sure a water bowl doesn't freeze, putting anti-freeze in a place cats can't get to it, and then, of all things, it comes up with a sure fire way to make sure your cats don't get cold ... "Keep them inside."   What a revelation!!!  Why didn't I think of that???  The answer is so simple yet so complex.  Who would ever have thought of keeping a house cat inside in the winter?  Just because we keep them inside in the Summer, I'm sure we all thought of letting them run free in the freezing Winter.  Why, of course we're all idiots without a brain.  That's why we all go around singing, "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz!!!  (Sometimes, you just gotta wonder who approves stuff like this to be published on a corporate website!  Remind me to never visit their sponsor!)

"So, what does this tell you?  That's
right, I'm hungry and munching on a
f**king cookie.  God, you're a genius!"

10)  ... body language experts.  Speaking of Governor Christie, it has now been expressed by body language experts that the governor was lying when he stated he knew nothing of the exit closure.  I've read several books on body language, and most conflict with each other.  Eyes looking the wrong direction, arms clenched, leaning forward to emphasize a point, etc. ... seem to mean different things to different experts.  Of course, this goes along with many of my other philosophies concerning experts in the topic in which I minored in college ... psychology.  To me, psychologists are just like meteorologists.  "If you get it right, you look like God.  If you get it wrong, blame it on God!"  (What was the Beatles song, "I say Yes, you say No, I say Why, you say I don't know"?  Yep, it's all just like that!)

And, as a famous pig would say, 

"That's All Folks!"

Another week, another thankful post.  At least, and you gotta admit,

 it's a little different than the rest!

Ciao!