In the last 9 days, I've written two blogs: one here on the Job Fair and one in the Ravaging A Destroyed Mind series. Sounds like I've been screwing around doing not much of anything, doesn't it? So, just call me a lazy ass and get on with your life if you want.
Well, I've also produced two Fantasy/Horror hubs on Hubpages, two newscasts (that easily took 24 hours of writing time each) and a long tribute hub for a "Pass It On Lollipop" award I received. Still doesn't sound like a lot, does it?
Still haven't called me a lazy ass? What are you waiting on, Ground Hog's day?
Add to that most of my evenings have been spent planning a joint blog effort with a friend of mine. Believe me, the talking about names, what to do, how to do, and where to do takes ten times longer than the actual writing.
It's like two teenagers trying to decide what to wear to the prom via chat room conversation. Fuh Su-rer!
Imagine these same two individuals making a decision together, that are miles apart, both having separate lives and personal responsibilities, as well as, different sleeping schedules. Add to it the fact that both are completely anal about wanting to select the perfect name, perfect format and perfect schedule. Now, add one more thing to the equation... neither individual is perfect. Yet, they have a common goal and know if they ever get it going, the world will be at their feet.
Be careful, my toes tickle easily. Smell anything yet?
It's kind of like knowing you're both great cooks, but having someone else help you in the kitchen is difficult for both parties. Will you make a feast, or will you totally screw it up and end up sending someone down the street to McDonald's dollar menu for a better meal?
God, that was a terrible example! Oh well, what do you expect for free?
But, please remember, I haven't been doing anything this week. Just being a lazy ass, squandering my time in the land of Zo (I wanted to make that easy to read if you happen to suffer with dyslexia) wallowing in the good life of munchkins and flying monkeys. I've traveled the land of yellow brick roads and the journey of being lost in a lost world. Where's Auntie Em when you need her?
No, I'm not cracking up. It's called being a wise ass. (If you're going to call me a lazy ass, at least I can change the "lazy" to "wise" and feel somewhat pleased with myself.)
In fact, I feel almost as good as I did at the grocery store today. Please, don't let that statement change your love life, yet. Allow me to explain.
I have been in the mood for a slice of German Chocolate cake for almost three weeks now. I wake up in the morning fantasizing about a German Chocolate cake.
No, not like the apple pie scene in the movie American Pie, damn it. Get your mind out of the gutter. You really do think I'm a typical ass, don't you?
Anyway, if you're meeting me for the first time or just have a terrible memory affected by years of illegal, but fun, drug usage, I have been fighting weight gain and diabetes for about eight months. I've lost close to 50 lbs. and got my sugar count down over 36 points. It's very close to normal now, unlike my mind.
There, I said it before you could.
Anyway, getting back to the German Chocolate cake, I went into the local supermarket today to get a slice. Normally, they have it available. I know, supermarket bakeries and pastries are not the most sanitary. In fact, I won't even go into one of them now thanks to a past experience of watching crumbs move as I started to partake of a second bite of Red Velvet cake a year ago. Yes, they weren't crumbs. Just small bugs.
Hope you weren't eating before reading that. I triggered my own gag reflex just thinking about it again. Oh well, we all need our protein.
Getting back to the long, drawn out story, I walked into the grocery store. The produce department was first spied, so I walked over and spent nearly five dollars on a bag of apples that used to run a couple of bucks.
Don't we all love inflation? "And a ching ching here, and a ching ching there, here a ching, there a ching, everywhere a ching ching, Inflation is costing us, cash for other things." (Yeah, Old McDonald had a Farm was the tune. I only claim responsibility for the substituted words.)
Next, as I walked away from the produce department, I found the deli and bakery area. Deli made large pizzas were on sale two for $10. Not wanting to spend that much money on one from Pizza Hut, I went ahead and bought two, knowing my wife was off tomorrow. We'd pop in one tonight, and one tomorrow, and that would keep me from having to take her out and spend twice as much. Plus, she wouldn't have to cook a meal.
See, I sacrifice my healthy eating habits to make life easy on her. Don't you wish you had a husband like me? Oh, if you're of the male gender, ignore that question and just read on.
So, I'd picked up a plastic hand basket knowing I wasn't going to need a cart for a slice of cake (remember the German Chocolate cake? That's what this story is about. Really? Too many drugs in your past?) and found that the pizza's were too large to fit. Now, I'm in a fix, I have two large pizza boxes in my left hand, and a bag of apples in the hand basket in my right. Going to make picking up anything else easy, isn't it.
Okay, maybe we better forget about the wise ass and go back to lazy. I just lost my brownie points for wise.
Now, I'm searching the deli pastry for my real goal, a slice of German Chocolate cake. I look and I look, but to my utter dismay, there is no German Chocolate cake available. Not a slice, not a half, and not a whole... nothing... nada... nil... nowhere! I started to go into German Chocolate cake DT's. The fever set in. I started the shakes. My lips began quivering. If I'd have talked, my speech would have been slurred. My eyes were darting from side to side.
Surely another person had moved it over to the pie section. No, not there! Over by the breakfast turnover, perhaps! No, not there either! Possibly, they hid one for later behind the massive stacks of bread on the racks!
459 loaves on the floor later, my quest was still not reached. Yet, no one would approach me either. I had to hurry for I'm sure they'd called the men in the white coats to come and take me away.
In a panic, I did the only thing I could think of. I went to the baking aisle and found a Duncan Hines German Chocolate cake mix for $2.99. No question, that was going into the hand basket. Using my chin to knock it from the shelf into the hand basket, it only took two dropping on the floor before achieving.
Store help picks up these aisles at least once a week anyway. No big deal!
Perusing the box's directions, a terrible thought hit me. The $2.99 doesn't include icing! A German Chocolate cake has got to have icing! Coconut icing with pecans is a must! Where's the icing in this damn place?
Remember, I was in a panic trying to beat the men in white coats from arriving. "They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, to the funny farm, where life is happy and gay, everyday...." (It's a novelty song from the 60's. If you've never heard it, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.)
There, just down from the cake mixes, was the icing. Amazing they would use logic in their placement!
Must have been an error in judgment on their part.
I see they're $2.49 per can, or three for $5.00. My panic increases as it suddenly hits me I have absolutely no idea how many cans would it take to ice a cake!!! 1...5...10... I have no idea. I look up and down the aisle. What! Only one small, middle aged oriental woman in the whole aisle.
I must have either scared the others away previously, or store management had been busy clearing the area for the men in white coats!
I tried to ask her but only got a kind smile and a shaking of the head in return. Why are there so many really nice, great English speaking oriental individuals on the writing sites and none in grocery stores or restaurants? Sounds like another blog topic for later on!
Again, using my chin, I decided the sale sign was a sign from God and that it would take three cans of icing to ice a cake. If not, I could always use it on my wheat toast in the morning.
That was a joke, but I may have to give it a try one day. Hmmmmm!
Knowing my time was growing shorter by the second, I ran down the aisle a Mach 7 speed and arrived at the check out. Remarkably, next in line was a lady I'd worked with years ago.
After the initial "how you beens", she said something that absolutely made my day.
"You've lost a lot of weight!"
I proceeded to tell her my complete weight loss and medical history, sounding like a great grandmother talking to her best friends at a church social. The efforts, the heartbreak, the restrictions, the success...all were related to her in a moment's notice.
Isn't vanity grand?
Then she noticed the two pizza's and the German Chocolate cake mix and icing.
Oops!
I then related my tale of woe and obsession. A reward for victory validation. A story of conflict and adventure. Searching for a slice and having no alternatives but to purchase as I did.
She smiled in understanding and asked if I was going to eat the whole thing. I replied no, I was buying the pizzas so my wife wouldn't have to cook, and that she'd probably take some of the cake to others she worked with so I wouldn't be fighting temptation.
Then she said, "Well, you sure look good! Keep in contact. We need to see each other more often!"
Like I started this whole thing off with, there's nothing like feeling almost as good as I did at the grocery store today! Had she just made a pass at me? "Yeah, right Ripvanrumple!"
When I arrived home, I found my wife napping, having just worked a ten hour shift. After a couple of hours, I went into the bedroom, gently woke her, and told her the story of the pizzas to keep her from having to cook. She was so pleased!
Then, I told her I'd bought a cake. A German Chocolate cake that I'd been wanting for almost a month. And, it had coconut and pecan icing! She was smiling as I related that. I could tell she wanted some, too!
Then, I told her all she had to do was bake it.
I guess she knows me by now. She laughed and said she'd do it tomorrow on her day off!
So, I'll get my cake and get to eat it, too!
Life is wonderful!
Would you like an apple?
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