Ten Things Of Thankful: Fred Phelps, NCAA Brackets, Starbucks & Fruit Flies ... but no missing plane!

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Four score and seven years ago …

(No, damn it, I’m not that old.)

… just one of those nights when my attention is diverted elsewhere.

This is the most distracting time of the year for me, being a college basketball die hard fan.  The NCAA Tourney, even though some of the games outcomes are already set up by the NCAA and CBS as to which team will win (in order to keep ratings high for all the advertisers), takes my thoughts from the dimension they normally lie within and scatters them all over the television screen.

(Yeah, like it’s any different than any other time.  Right?)

I can’t help myself.  I am a college basketball fan freak!  The cold sweats and nervous twitches go crazy as the tourney begins!  I’ve loved it all my life and will probably continue to do so until the day I die (which will hopefully come after a tourney championship has been decided, as it would truly suck to end up in Heaven or Hell not knowing the winner).

“Hey, St. Peter … before we go any further with this question and answer sh*t, do you think you could let me know the score to last night’s game?  I’ll make it worth your while … seriously!”

I remember my childhood days of going outside after a huge snow and dribbling the basketball on the snow on my driveway court until it was nicely packed down.  Then, I’d take off my coat and play for a couple of hours, or until my mother came out screaming about being outside without a coat, whichever came first.  And, now one wants a mad, raving, raging Italian mom chasing you outside in the snow.  You might later find yourself nursing a sore butt and eating a dish of pasta with triple garlic or onion powder administered.

So, as I sit here, recollecting what it was like to play basketball in the snow, the 60” television is showing dunks, 3 point shots, and college cheerleaders bouncing breasts up and down that shouldn’t belong to college cheerleaders. (Where were these girls when I was in college?)  And aren’t the uniforms getting more and more skimpy?  (The cheerleaders’ uniforms, that is!)

(God, I love this time of the year!)

And, for those of you that could care less about basketball and are anxiously awaiting a part 2 of the missing plane story I wrote last week, let me just say one thing:

The plane is still missing.

Now, there’s a couple of things for sure by now.  Somewhere, the plane came down, either by crashing or landing.  There’s no damn way it’s still up in the air.  The other thing is that everyone is constantly contradicting what everyone else is predicting.  So, let’s be honest.  No one knows where the hell the plane went!!!  There’s only one thing for sure.

The plane is still missing.

If they’re sitting somewhere, you’ve got to be sure, there’s some really pissed off NCAA Basketball Tourney fans there.  I wouldn’t want to be one of their captors right now.  There’s nothing worse than a NCAA Basketball Tourney fan that doesn’t get a chance to watch the tourney games.  (Well, maybe the Navy Seals or USMC special forces that have to stop watching the games to go rescue their butts, but, besides that, nothing worse.  Well, maybe a mad wife going through the change of life on a hot, summer day, but, besides that, nothing worse.  Well, maybe a mad Italian mother ...)

However, I have the games available to see.  For that, I count my ten thankfuls for the first round of games I get to see.  Ten times I watch the shots, ten times I witness the upsets, ten times I enjoy the games that some cannot see.

The plane is still missing.

Again, Lizzi (who has been stumbling around on one hell of a drunk the last few days) and her stoic squad of hearty supporters (do they still make girdles) bring forth the time of the week in which we can all be thankful, as it is now time for

TEN THINGS OF THANKFUL !!!

This week, I’m thankful for:

So what if it's retro!  The damn thing's comfortable!

1)  Waterbed mattresses.  My wife’s mattress, after a torrid affair with her boyfriend (of which she denies), finally decided to share its internal moisture with the outside world.  Yeah, it let loose with hundreds of gallons of water from a split seam!

Now, we still love our waterbeds.  The heater in the Winter, along with the way they contour to one’s body to give proper support, make sleeping a pure blissful experience.  A quick search of the web found a replacement mattress almost immediately.  Even though I’m having to put off getting brakes for my truck (for the second straight year), I was able to order her another motionless one for only $200.  Now, if I can just keep her from dropping pens and combs down inside of the frame (and keeping her boyfriend’s activities at his place), she’ll soon have a mattress to once again enjoy.  (What the hell am I saying???  I’m going to be the one sleeping on the couch while she takes my bed until the replacement gets here!!!  God, the things we do for love.)

2)  Teenager atop WTC.   A sixteen year old boy slid past security guards and climbed ladders and such to arrive at the top of the World Trade Center Sunday.  Why did he do it?  To take pictures, of course!  Police arrested him once they found him and charged him with trespassing.  Police couldn’t believe he’d done it because they had “No Trespassing” signs posted.  (I’d say these are the same cops that couldn’t believe the 9/11 jets hit the towers because they had a “No Hittting Tower With Jets ” sign posted.)

"I wonder if they can bury me with my
cowboy hat on?  Don't I look like that guy
from the Village People???"

3)  Fred Phelps Dead.  The Westboro Baptist Church founder died Friday.  Of course, the church is well known as being the least compassionate church in existence as they obnoxiously protest at funerals of service men, gays, and others throughout the United States.  

We extend a hearty invitation for all gays, bikers, servicemen, and anyone with a shred of common decency to come to the funeral services and protest to their hearts desire.  We’re hoping for a crowd of at least 400,00, whose voices in unison will drown out any of the words spoken at his services.  We wish it to be a true demonstration of Christianity, as it truly is better to give than to receive.  (I just hope he was a NCAA Basketball fan and no one in the afterlife tells him the scores!  muhahahahaha!)

"Whatever happened to the days
 a guy could earn a
quarter the right way ... in
the men's restrooms?"

4)  Man Steals Quarters.  Thomas Rica, a former public works inspector, stole over $460,000 in quarters over a 25 month period of time.  The Ridgewood, New Jersey official would go into the room where they kept money from the parking meters and fill his pockets with quarters.  He’d then go to his bank and deposit them.  (I suspect that one of the bank tellers said, “No, we never questioned how he got all those quarters.  We just figured that he gave one hell of a blow job!  After all, he was a politician!”)

5)  President Obama fills out NCAA Bracket.  So, he likes basketball.  Big deal.  He should be doing more important things.  Who’d he pick to win it all?  Who cares?  Like, he’s going to save the country if he hits a free throw or something.  “Hey, you’re making big bucks.  Get to work!”

6)  California targeted by Cyber-Gangs.  So what?  Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition tells everything there is to know about California every night!  Besides, by the time the criminals get through all the “Hey, Dude’s”, it's old news anyway!  Go to the beach and wait on the tidal wave, folks.  Be happy!

"Wait until next time when they catch us for serving
food that is declared inedible!
Oops!  You mean they already did?   

7)  McDonalds to pay back pay.  New York came to the rescue and got 1,600 workers back pay for work done while clocked out, overtime pay, and uniform cleaning allowance.  When asked what they were going to do with the settlement money, one employee stated, “I’m going to McDonald’s!”  (Now you know why they worked off the clock to begin with!)

8)  Samsung releases new Ultra HD TV’s.  Okay, so it’s curved and is supposed to give you even a better picture.  Next, thing you know, they’ll be coming out with Ultra HD Blu-Ray players, which will make all your current Blu-Rays obsolete.  So, you’ll soon be replacing all of them once again.  From VHS to DVD to Blu-Ray to Ultra Blu-Ray, one might ask, “How many damn times am I going to have to buy the same movie just to watch it when I want?” 

And someone on the missing plane goes, “Hey, you got a different movie?  Do you know how many times they’ve shown us “The Croods”?

9)  Starbucks to sell wine.  Starbucks is going to start selling wine to its evening crowd in select locations soon.  They’ve been experimenting in different markets and find it to be a big seller.  So, they get you drunk, and then make a mint sobering you back up with $4 cups of coffee.  Damn, maybe they’re on to something!

"Okay, Okay!  So some of us can't fly!
Big F***in' Deal!"

10)  Why don't Fruit Flies fall out of the sky.  Scientists have spent thousands of dollars researching Fruit Flies.  More defined, the reason Fruit Flies don’t fall out of the sky.  After all their research, they’ve found out what most of us have known for years.  “The Suckers Fly, Damn It!  They Fly!!!!”

*     *     *     *     *     *

That’s it for another week of Ten Things of Thankful.  I appreciate your attention and effort in getting through this week’s effort.  I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped to watch the games.  So, until next week, don’t forget …

The plane is still missing!

And, if my wife does have a boyfriend, the S.O.B. had better be on it!

Ciao!

Ten Things Of Thankful : Yep, It's That Time Again!

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There's a child screaming outside.  No, they're not screams of pain or anguish, they're screams of entertaining oneself.  

I wonder if I haven't missed out on something by not screaming over the years?

Kids don't mind screaming.  In fact, they enjoy it.  Check them out in the supermarket sometime.  There are screams of boredom, screams of frustration, screams filled with anger, and screams of hurt because they're not getting what they thought their screams would get them.

There are times these screams get to me.  In fact, most of the time I would prefer no screaming at all.  No eardrum piercing, shrieking, sonic rattling screams would be a Godsend for me.  Of course, for that to happen, children may have to disappear.  

"I Want I Want I Want I Want I Want I Want..."

No, I'm not talking about doing anything bad to kids.  

(Although, now that I think about it ...)

Can you imagine if all the children of the world suddenly disappeared for a week?  Let's say that an alien spaceship was to appear overhead.  Telepathically, they communicate to each person on Earth that the children will disappear from our world for a one week period, after which they will be returned completely unhurt or unaware that they were even gone.  These aliens are hypnotic in their message, so no parent or person seems concerned about the kids disappearing for a week.

What would you do that one week if worry and fear were completely alleviated from your psyche?

I am curious as to this answer.  Would the military take advantage of not having to worry about child deaths and attack the enemies without mercy striving to gain a battlefield superiority?  Would the government stop subsidizing the school lunch programs?  Would your favorite daycare still charge you even though none of the children could attend?

Or, would you simply party your ass off?

Would this be a week that you could let loose and get drunk each day since no one had to pick up the little bastards after piano/basketball/soccer/dance/gymnastics practice?  Would it be a week that couples wanting to initiate an affair do so without fear of the little tykes wandering in and catching them in the act?  Or, would it escalate more changes to McDonald's Happy Meal menu?

"Gee, Aliens write in English, too!"

What I really question is how the adults will react after when the children return?  Will there be guilt to deal with that will be taken out on the children, since nothing would happened if they’d never left in the first place?  Will the adults look at the kids in a new light as becoming unwanted obligations instead of family responsibilities?  Or, will everyone simply going back to their same old boring life, picking up, washing, feeding, and harboring nonsensical question after nonsensical question?  

I wonder if some would even realize they were gone, or that they’d come back home?

By the way, did you see the spaceship flying in the sky above you today?

Anyway, this is another edition of Ten Things of Thankful.  This is where we all tell you the things that made us thankful (as if you couldn't derive that from the title) over the last week or so.  Most of the entries in this hop are filled with joy and compassion.

You're in the wrong place for that here!  Still, news wise, it's been a tough week.  Not a lot happening.  But, not one to give up, let's see what we can do.

So, without further ado, let's get this thing moving!

I'm thankful for:

"Let's screw them all over
and make some big money
... as your next President,
that is!"

1)  ... greedy lawyers.  There is a case in Southern California that is beginning to make national news.  Seems a Little League Baseball coach is suing one of his players for $500,000 for throwing his helmet.  Seems this helmet came down on his leg and tore his Achilles Tendon.  He was only going to sue for damages, which would be $20,000, but his lawyer put down $500,000 on the paperwork.  

Now, since most Little League participants sign paperwork relinquishing liability for flying balls, bats, etc., the case really doesn't have much to stand on.  Here's a kid that crosses home base to win the game that tosses his helmet in the air.  Now, unless the helmet weighed 50 lbs, the chance of it injuring an adults Achilles Tendon is slim.  (I'd say the adult coach injured it jumping up and down in elation after his player won the game!)  

But, here is this greedy, money grubbing, sleazeball lawyer who wants to hit his own home run in the courts and files for 25 times the amount the idiot coach originally asked for!  If the case was settled for half that amount, the lawyer just made $50,000 at a 20% contingency fee basis, and all of our insurance costs rise!  (Careful folks, sounds like the next Presidential Candidate in the making!)

2)  ... Russian computer virus developers.  It's been discovered that the virus that compromised personal and confidential information on credit and debit cards at Target, Neiman Marcus and four other retailers was developed by a seventeen year old Russian that then sold it to hackers.  Millions now have their information floating around in the hands of these identity theft and bank account robbing hackers.  

"Take the Olympic Credit Card Cash And
Let's Go To Vegas!!"

In a month, the Olympics will be held in Russia.  I'm betting that if you watch the events, you're going to see ads from Visa, MasterCard, Discover and many more credit card companies.  Also, there will be people from all over the world using credit cards there.  Makes one wonder how safe these folks are going to be if that seventeen year old had any friends like himself, doesn't it?  ("What do you mean I spent $8300 on Russian porn sites????   I was there and none of the girls were worth looking at!!!)

3)  ... Hiroo Onoda.  This was the Japanese soldier that stayed in the jungle for almost 30 years after World War II because he didn't know that the world was over.  He died this week at 89 years of age.  I imagine when he finally came out and discovered the war was over, he was asked multiple times why he didn't come out earlier.  I suspect it might have been, "I knew if I waited long enough my mother-in-law would be dead!"   (You have to be a guy to love that one!)

4)  ... Michelle Obama.  The First Lady turned 50 years of age on Friday.  Said her husband, "She doesn't look a day over 50."  It's suspected that the Vice President will be sworn in as President as soon as the courts decide to turn off the artificial life support systems.

5)  ... Ohio's new execution drug.  This week found Ohio experimenting with a new drug to execute those on Death Row.  Dennis McGuire, convicted for raping and murdering by stabbing a newlywed, Joy Stewart, took over 25 minutes to die once injected with the drug combination.  Although some proclaim this to be cruel and inhumane punishment, supporters of the death penalty see this as a way to proclaim "Overtime" and sell more tickets since the show will now last a little longer.  (Yeah, like I'm gonna feel sorry for a rapist and a murderer who had no mercy on his victim!  C'mon folks, you know me better than that!)

"Whose damn cats are laughing?"

6)  ... Westminster Dog Show.  After 138 years, the show is finally going to allow mixed breeds into the competition.  None will be allowed for the Best Of Show title, but they will be used in the new agility trials at the next show.  The German Shepherd/ Pug mix will compete against the Dachshund/ Pit bull mix in the "Let's see who can make it over Niagara Falls on a wire" event, and the Collie/ Terrier mix will compete against the Russian Wolf Hound/ Beagle mix in the "So, you think you can ride the electric bull" event!"  All survivors will be awarded a bowl of Purina Dog Chow and a vasectomy.  (My cats are laughing their asses off at that one!)

7)  ... Apple and Samsung.  Without these two companies, neither the I-Phone or the Android would exist.  Where would we be if we had to stick our heads outside to see what the weather was doing, calculate math problems longhand, or actually put on a CD to listen to music?  In a study this week, it was revealed that these two companies are leaving all others in the dust with their advanced technology and have combined 68% of the market.  I'd be happy to continue this information for you, but I lost service on my I-Phone just as it was getting good.  Seems they've just built another tower close to where I live, but the signal is too high to connect to with my phone.  (Guess I'm going to have to go out and buy a 2,000 foot ladder to order a pizza!)

"Okay, you distract him with the veggies, and I'll
screw him out of his change, and we'll split
the profits!  It's called the Subway Tango!"

8)  ... Subway.  Nearly two weeks ago, I was double teamed by their cashier and sandwich maker and cheated out of $5 change.  I waited a week for the owner to call me, and never heard a thing.  So, this week, I visited their corporate site and filed a complaint.  Granted, it's only been five days, but I still haven't heard a thing.  So, unlike many of their competitors, Subway has basically told me that customers don't matter.  In turn, I'm telling them, by writing here for them and all others to read, that they don't matter to me.  I hope they take that $5 and jam it up Jared's sandwich release tube as there are many other places to eat that don't screw over customers.  (Gee, I feel much better now!  Anyone for tacos?)

"Rich, I know you're one
hot man, but I'm married!"

9)  ... Jennifer Nettles.  Why?  Because regardless of the fact you may not like Country Music, and regardless of the fact she just released an album after just having a baby, you have to admit she's still one hot lady!  Of course, we're all betting she's been around the block a few times, but that's to be expected of an entertainer.  (I remember when I was on the road doing stand-up comedy and ... oops, almost told on myself!)

10)  ... Good Web Friends.  I do my best to visit blogs, especially in hops.  I usually do this when at work on my I-Phone, and since I hate fumble typing on the damn thing, seldom leave comments.  My views and comments on this blog continue to rise because of good people like you, the reader, that understand I work over 70 hours a week and have extremely blurry vision by the end of the day, making it hard to go back and comment.  I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you that take the time to read and comment here.  It means much more than you realize.  You're the reason I still do this stuff.  (That and Lizzie with her damn cat 'o nine tails!)  Sincerely, Many Thanks!

*************************************************

Yeah, I saved the mushy stuff for last.  Not really my cup of tea, but then I drink coffee or Diet Coke for the most part.  Tea is too gentle on the stomach.  I need something that eats away kidney stones!  Diet Coke has never let me down!

Ciao!