As some of you are familiar with, two weeks ago I guest hosted Finding Ninee for Kristi Campbell. Last we, she returned the favor by guest hosting on this blog. So much for the history lesson. This week, we're going to try it on our own blogs. Or, I should say, "I think we're going to try it on our own blogs." Kristi and I have both been so busy with work and other projects that we really haven't communicated much of late. (Too much of a good thing, you know!) So, you might say I'm guessing. Typical male, huh? Actually, I'm excited (well, let's not get carried away) pleased to be doing this one on my own. Having done only one other comedy blog this week and having 11 straight days of no less than 10 hours each at my day job, my brain is to the state of, "The hell with you, I'm going on vacation." If I don't awaken the creative juices somewhat, it just may very well go to La-La Land without me. (That may be where Kristi is at! Trying to find ... no ... I won't stoop that low ... or, will I?) Anyway, we are all grateful for something, I suppose. Our hosts for this hop, seem to have done an excellent job of bringing about a feeling of joy, love, gratitude, and harmony though out this series again. It is up to me to destroy that! So, without further ado, here is my contribution to this week's
10 Things Of Thankful
No, you don't own the damn thing! Get it back to the lobby!
1) I'm thankful to those considerate individuals that keep hotel baggage carts in their rooms as if they were their personal belongings. I always enjoy arriving at the hotel to find the cart area empty. This allows me to get my much needed exercise by carrying a week's worth of luggage from my car to my third story room. It improves my balance, strength, and endurance. This act also provides me the opportunity to envision new forms of torture for these asses before I drop off to sleep. (Tying them onto these carts and pushing them down the emergency stairwells for the best time is only one of the things that come to mind.) 2) I'm thankful for All-You-Can-Eat Buffets that charge to go orders by weight. I still can't figure out why you can sit there and eat like a pig, but if you get a To-Go box, you're expected to pay three times as much for the same food. Next time I go to one of these exquisite dining facilities, I'm saying, "F*ck you, I'm pulling a chair up to the serving area and not moving till I'm done! If you don't like it, I'll pay the regular cost for a To-Go box. It's your choice! And, yes, I do want some fwuking fwied wice with that!" 3) I'm thankful for joggers that think the street is for running and the sidewalks are to be ignored. These dumb asses are so stupid, they even run on the side of the street that traffic is flowing. By doing so, they don't damage the front of my truck as badly when I knock their butts back to the sidewalk where they belong! 4) I'm thankful for the Pizza Price Wars that seem to be going on between Pizza Hut, Dominos, and Papa Johns. Early week specials, mid week specials, and 50% off specials seem to be the norm in this conflict of the top three companies. They are single-handily making it easy for Americans to go off their diets and gorge themselves silly with hand tossed dough, Sicilian pie crusts, and extra sauces and cheeses. Soon, Americans won't be able to get through the doors of their homes to go to work because of the extra weight they've gained. Wobble Wobble!
5) I'm thankful for people who say "Thank You" when you hold open the door for them. For those that don't, I always volunteer a hearty, "You're Welcome" as they walk by. When confronted for saying that a couple of times, I either reply, "Oh, I thought you thanked me for holding open the door like someone that was raised with manners", or, "If you can't say thank you as a polite person would do, how about a f*cking tip!" If their parents didn't teach them, I take it upon myself to do so ... the asses!
Maybe Subway should be teaching our kids mathematics instead of the government!!!
6) I'm thankful for thumping stereos and 780 watt bass woofers in cars. I know that one day the drivers will all be deaf and employed teaching kids the dangers of driving with thumping stereos and 780 watt bass woofers in cars. Maybe then we'll have some damn peace and quiet! 7) I'm thankful for restaurants (like Subway) that teach our children the benefits of learning basic mathematics. If you add up the individual sandwich, chip and drink price on a Subway combo, you'll find out that it comes up to exactly the same amount as their combos! This ploy only tends to work on those taking the "No Child Gets Ahead" curriculum required by the government, illegal aliens, and stoners who don't give a damn as long as the munchies are coming immediately! 8) I'm thankful for Wal-Mart for giving the ridiculous looking and dressing people of the world a place to go. As long as they're going there, I'm going elsewhere. At least that way I don't have to look at them! 9) I'm thankful that there is still a restaurant chain like Hardee's that believes sex sells, regardless if it's politically correct or not. Just look below. Nuff said!
For the guys:
And, for the ladies:
Now, aren't you thankful, too!
10) Lastly, I'm thankful that there are men and women, instead of some amoebic cell splitting creature that is self satisfying. Let's face it, men love to make fun of women and women love to make fun of men. Men are stupid, women are dumb, men are slobs, women are lazy, men are assh**es, women are bit*hes ... if you don't believe it, ask the opposite gender. Still, all in all, we tend to get along and enjoy each other's company. As long as we don't take ourselves too seriously, we can make it if we try. Of course, I'm just a stupid male, so what the hell do I know!
And those are just a few of the things to which I'm thankful. I know Lizzi is having a fit now trying to figure out how she's going to explain this list to her friends, but damn it, you're the one that invited me a couple of weeks ago.
If I can get the button to work this week (which hasn't happened too often in the past), be sure to join the hop with an entry of your own! And, if you're too lazy to write one, well, go to the hop and read a few anyway. Who knows? You just may find something to be thankful of, too!
Fridays have always been a special day in my life. Pre-school memories of going down to the corner to catch a station wagon style bus that would take us to the "big" city of Bloomington, Indiana. (Well, it was bigger than the town of 4,000 rednecks that I grew up near.) We'd eat a lunch at a dime store counter (usually a nutritious hamburger and fries), check out what the store offered in the Toy Section (and cry and scream until I got something), and then head to one of three theaters that the big city had to offer (so my mom could meet her boyfriend). After that, we'd walk seven or eight blocks to the Loudon's Grocery Store, do our shopping (while I stayed in the magazine section and sneaked looks at Playboy Magazines), and wait on my father to come pick us up when he got off of work (so we could listen to him bitch about how much money my mother had spent there). My high school years brought Friday basketball games into the picture. They were the highlight of the weekend and usually drew crowds of 2-3,000 people. (Imagine 3,000 screaming subhumans in a saliva frothing frenzy!) If you've ever seen the movie Hoosiers, you understand the fever of the crowds and the excitement of the events. Later, when my school finally decided to bring in football, that filled the early Fall Friday evenings (with pain, I might add). During my days as an on air broadcaster, Fridays always brought us to a different location as we did remote broadcasts, giving us a chance to meet our fans. (Rock music radio fans have always been a strange bunch, especially those in love with DJ's.) As a district manager, Fridays meant I could leave Baton Rouge and head back to Alabama to spend the weekend with my family. (Let's drive 3 hours home to get nagged!) And, in Stand-Up Comedy, Fridays always meant the largest and loudest audiences looking for a good laugh. (And to get drunk, try to drive home, and get their licenses suspended.)
Now, we have FTSF!!!
(Aren't you glad the travelogue from my past is finally over!)
Finish The Sentence Friday is when our gracious hostesses
(listed below with the rules)
give us a sentence to finish and expect us to do our best to keep the audience interested. This week's sentence prompt is:
My Bucket List Includes ...
So, without further ado, here's what my bucket list includes:
1) Beach Buckets! What afternoon at the beach would be complete without a beach bucket or two? Whether you're thinking of burying yourself or loved one in the sand, simply building a sand castle, or even covering up that nice, hot, steamy pile of crap your dog just let loose, your efforts will be much easier with a beach bucket and shovel. "Remember, instead of sand in hand, cover the poo with sand from a bucket, instead of just saying, "F**k it""
2) Stack-O-Buckets! Who knows what chores you'll need a bucket for around the house. There's dogs to dunk and kids to clean up after. Husbands may need one for washing the car or truck. Why, on an exceptional day after having been nagged for weeks, they may even need one to clean up the garage floor. (Don' bet on that one!) Inside the house, there's the tile to clean, kitty litter to change, and diaper leakage to get out of those deep pile carpets. Bucket, Bucket, whose got the bucket? Why, you do, and plenty of them!
3) Wooden Buckets! These work great when carrying in walnuts, peaches, apples, or even hickory nuts from those outside trees that make mowing the lawn a nightmare. This wooden bucket is lightweight and easy to swing back and forth to bring about bruises to young children looking to go to child services and make proclamation of parental abuse.
4) Steel Buckets! Every basement needs a steel bucket. Unless you have a coal furnace (which means you need to upgrade to either gas or electricity soon, fool) there are very few uses for a steel bucket. Generally, these will be used as temporary ashtrays, waste baskets, or urinals when the women of the house are living in all the available bathrooms for three hours a day. Still, when that prize gerbil dies, these make great holding cells until the Winter ground thaws!
5) Commercial Floor Mopping Buckets! If you want to make your neighbors think that you're working your butt off trying to keep the house clean, you definitely need one of these. Wait until the majority of your neighbors are within view, fill the bucket up with water, and take it out the door and dump it where all can see you! Your standing in the community as a hard working homemaker will rise immediately! So, now you know what my bucket list contains. I really don't understand why anyone would be interested in this, but I must comply with the wishes of the hostesses. I do have to question some of their prompts at times, though!
Oh, a Bucket List means a list of things you want to do before you die?
Really? You're joshing me!
No?
Oh, well, I'm already done.
Hell, I'll have to talk about that some other time.
The damn little monsters will be going back to school soon!!!!
Okay, here come the ogre comments! I can already
see them.
"Oh, you bastard,
don't you like kids?"
"What's wrong with you? Children are precious!"
"You're just a
grumpy old fart!"
"What an assh*le!"
Blah, blah, blah ...
etc., etc., etc.
I'm only saying what most think, but won't admit to openly.
I love kids, but too much of any good thing is a waste of sanity!
There's a feeling of elation when I walk into a department store and see all the back to school items on sale. I know that hard working class families will be able to save money and properly supply their children for the upcoming school year. The happy, little smiling faces that are so thrilled to be getting new school supplies ...
To break, lose, and throw at other happy, little smiling faces on the school bus!
Many parents feel the same as I about being somewhat relieved when school starts up. Here are some of my favorite reasons, and probably some of yours, as to why this relief is so blessed.
I scream to get what I want when I want where I want! And don't you try to stop me!!
1) Very few, if any, screaming brats in the grocery store with their parents in the middle of the day. The last thing I need when trying to figure out what my stomach is requesting is a brat filling the air with sound wave proclamations of, "I want, I want, I want, I want ... Gimme, Gimme, Gimme ... WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (If this ever happened in a gun shop I'm sure the press would be out in droves sensationalizing the results of the event.) 2) Watching the neighborhood bushes to see if one of the little suckers will dart out in front of you while driving will be less stressful during school hours. They should all be tucked away nicely in the classrooms we pay our taxes to cage them in. If there is an escapee, and they happen to run in front of the car, there will be fewer witnesses to the event, making court appearances short and effective.
Restaurants are cool. Look at all the neat stuff we can find to throw!!
3) Restaurant dining will become less dangerous during noontime excursions. Flying mashed potatoes from pre-teens, loud obnoxious profanity from spoiled teenagers, and extremely long lines filled with cars holding eight kids (each paying for their own order) at drive-up windows will magically disappear in a couple of weeks. Once again, the stupidity of the order takers will be able to be blamed on them, instead of the stress the kids put them through. 4) Mid-day traffic problems will be a thing of the past! How many stoplights will be made because you weren't held up at the last one by a group of teenagers texting each other in the car instead of talking to each other? Not only that, but the thumping $2000 car with the $10,000 stereo system will be parked at the school, instead of next to you at the light. Finally, you'll be able to listen to your music without turning it up to the max. Headache medicine sales will drop because of this, too!
Give a gift to remember if you want an afternoon to remember!
5) Afternoon delight will go back to involving adults instead of nap times for kids. Let loose with the squeals and groans all you want. Hell, even bring out the cowboy hats and French Maid outfit! The kids are gone!!!! Enjoy it while you can and as much as you can! Just remember, the little imps come home every day at about the same time. 30 minute orgasms with pigs (as Kristi would say) need to be timed out to coincide with school bus arrivals. Otherwise, you'll be explaining what the pig is doing in your bed! 6) Go back to chatting on the web and living dangerously in web hot tubs with unknown companions. Live your fantasies to the fullest and still be safe. Just make sure you wipe the perspiration from your forehead and upper lip before the kids get home and do a search on your site history!
Look at those buns!!!!
7) Go to the mall and look at all the cute asses walking by. I don't care if you're male or female, there are plenty of asses to browse at the mall. Grab yourself a table at the edge of the food court, enjoy your coffee, and gurgle as those buns jiggle by. Just be careful and not sit close to the senior citizen circuit. Those buns don't jiggle ... they drag the ground! You might as well go find a pig. 8) Get off your ass and exercise or dance! No kids will be home to make fun of you. Rise up and get moving! Re-visit the 70's, the 80's, the 90's and dance to your heart's desire. Again, be careful of the time or you may have a whole school bus load of wide eyed loud mouths telling the neighborhood you were practicing your stripper moves!
I'm watching what you leave in the DVD player regardless of what you say!
9) Put in a movie that you want to watch! Instead of viewing the Littlest Mermaid for the 571st time, put in something you want to see. Sit back and enjoy an afternoon tearjerker, love story, or hot porno if you choose. Do remember that when the kids come home the DVD or BlueRay needs to be put away, not left in the machine for them to ask your spouse what men and women and pigs do without clothes on!
10) Cheat on your diet! F*ck the calories! Dig in and enjoy the chocolate ice cream over the chocolate brownie with chocolate syrup and sprinkles. If you feel guilty, cut up a damn banana and tell yourself you're eating something healthy! Who's to know what you do when the kids are gone? Cheat all you want! Just wash the dishes after you're done or the next time you have a hard time getting into your jeans, some smart ass little mouth is going to say, "If you'd lay off the chocolate ice cream while we're at school, they'd fit!" So, will I be happy when the kids go back to school? Let me say that the education of our youth depends on the quality of education they receive. Without proper education, our children will grow up to follow in the footsteps of the leaders of today. If you want your children to be intelligent and have a great future, home school them. However, if you like the thoughts of enjoying some of the items on the list above ...
** This is the second in the Serious Sunday series. Many of my friends are finding themselves in a position of questioning how they could have been so naive as to have trusted people on the web, or others, in life, that have since taken advantage of their kindness.
This post attempts to address the subject from the viewpoint of accountability. Please feel free to comment at the end.
******************
Are you proud of your life's decisions?
Are you doing as you were taught?
Are you doing as you would want others to do to you?
or
Are you a user, loser & abuser?
Only you can answer this honestly.
Will you?
Were you taught right from wrong as a child? Did your parents ever discuss the differences between treating people right and using people to get what you want?
Are you following those rules today?
Are you the accuser or the accused? What put you in that position?
In business and politics today, stealing is somewhat acceptable ... as long as you don't get caught. The participants live up to the standard that there is no honor among thieves. The dirtier your business tactics, the higher you rise upon the corporate ladder. Stabbing people in the back is a practice most lawyers, businessmen and politicians are aware takes place and lose sleep over as they toss and turn wondering who may be getting ready to do it to them as they have done it to others.
It's an endless cycle!
But, doesn't everyone use everyone? Don't husbands and wives use each other? Don't neighbors borrow tools and never return them? Don't churches expect you to give them some of your free time for their special activities? Most do to a small extent. Some call it helping each other out, doing a favor, or relationship responsibility. Still, it is using another person for a purpose and finding a viable excuse for doing so.
How could you do this to me? I thought we were friends?
It is taught, "Winners have reasons for success and losers have excuses for failure." Does this mean that a winner will pay the price for their successes by the processes of trial and error experimentation, proper educational studies, and apprenticeships? If so, does the loser category include those who utilize friendship as a guise to steal ideas, learn due processes without payment, and jump into the competitive element after learning their trade under false pretenses?
As humans, whether we be naive and gullible or aware and fearful, we allow many to enter our private circles that have no business there. We tend to be naive in our thinking that the person we assist will never stab us in the back. Unfortunately, this is not the case. However, we still find ourselves wondering how we could be so easily fooled. Why did we ever trust? How could that person do that to us? What did we do to deserve being taken advantage of in this manner? Does the nice guy always finish last? Or, do things go around in circles? Will something come back to nip these users, losers and abusers in the tail in the future? Or, do we have to wait until death to see the guilty get their just deserts? We live in a communication age. The Internet allows for relationships to be formed and seen by all. It, also, allows for all to see when a wrong takes place. Thus, the birth of the Huffington Post crowd that thinks everything is an injustice! It's not so easy to get away unnoticed these days. Posts and websites that call out those that don't follow the rules are commonplace. Groups can easily witness the actions of its members and stand in unity to see they fail in their efforts to take undo advantage. Schemers, thieves, and sharks can easily be called out and seen for the lowlifes they truly are.
Ask yourself, "Where do I fit in?"
These individuals have lost the common decency that relationships depend on. They use their so called friends to gain their trust, rip out souls in their actions, and then validate their acts with excuses. They have forgotten the Golden Rule, their parents teachings, and the law of Physics ("For every action there is a reaction.")
Where do you fit in this picture? How are you changing the world in which you live by the lack of honesty and fairness you exhibit? Are you the role model you want your children to follow in the footsteps of in their future adult life? How would you feel if others did to you the same as you do to them? Do you care about how your actions influence the opinions others have of you?
Or, are you simply one of the many that don't give a damn anymore?
So, here I am again. Keyboard in front of me, blank screen staring bright white at my face, and a Diet Coke at my side as the cigarette between my lips drops ashes on my chest. The only thing missing from a 1940's movie is the crumpled suit and loosely tied necktie, a cup of coffee, and a beautiful blonde sitting across from me telling me a story that will draw my attention from the gap her skirt offers my gaze. But, wait a minute! There is a beautiful blonde there. (Or, at least she once was before gravity happened!) Long, lean, limber, lounging lusciously on the lounger, living loquaciously on the ledge of life. The type of woman that you'd drive ten miles in the driving rain just to see her clean laundry get rain soaked on a swinging clothesline creaking between apartment buildings in the dangerous section of town. Well, would you believe you'd look out your window to see her kissing the mailman after a real "Special Delivery"? How about glancing up to see the dog she was walking down the street? So, maybe if she screamed real loud you'd ask the wife to see what was going on? Okay! At least that's settled!
So much for the Humphrey Bogart stuff!
(Where's those damn strawberries, anyway???)
Join us, dear Kristi! Gravity got to us, too!!!! Got your cap?
The fabulously, fantastic and freakin' funny filly
(boy, does that sound like an old time chauvinist)
is going to return the favor I did her last week (when she was playing her "Give me sympathy, I'm a wasted wino" act) and guest posted on her blog. What this actually means is that there's going to be a little class on this blog for a change. I'm not saying what type of class as I believe you can decide for yourself. Seriously, I think you're going to enjoy her take on 10 Things Of Thankful.
So, without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you an individual
that believes knee pads are for more than just kissing toenails,
I should probably begin by clearing something up. While this is technically considered a guest post, it is really more of a I-crashed-the-cool-dude’s-blog post. You may be familiar with the fact that your host Rich here was dumb nice enough to allow me the luxury of sleeping while my blog was written for me last weekend. Either he is kinder than Gabriela has let on, or he was drunk. It doesn’t actually matter which, because I got what I wanted. I got an on my site without having to do anything but draw a stupid-looking picture, and now am able to consider myself part of the cool comedy crowd, if only by association. This weekend, I felt like I should defile his blog with my words. Think of it like a return favor, without the favor part.
This is my Ten Things of Thankful this weekend.
1.I’m thankful that I have no clue what the royal baby’s name is and do not know whether they have even named it yet. This missing bit of useless information means that I: a.Have more room in my head for important trivia such as the fact that pigs have orgasms for 30 minutes and… b.That I haven’t wasted any time this week catching up on celebrity gossip, freeing myself to instead spend my time productively, fucking off on Facebook, playing quality learning-games with my son. 2. I’m thankful that I’m not at BlogHer, where I’d be forced to pretend to enjoy sitting through boring seminars for eight hours in order to get to the real reason for attending: liquor-infused parties, laughing with blog friends and the free food. Crap. Maybe I should have gone. 3.I’m thankful that Rich does not love sheep in the disturbing (but understandable because women can be a pain in the ass) “Love Ewe” way and instead was only referencing counting them last week. 4.I’m thankful that Gabriela is holding it against Rich, and not me, that my words appear among these pages today, in spite of it being her turn to blog. I’m guessing that Rich is going to wake up tomorrow with cat turd on his pillow. Not only does it appear that he likes me more, she also mentioned that they had a heated argument involving ownership of a stale bag of Cheetos and a warm beer.
5.I’m thankful that the weather’s cooled off a little bit so that I can go to work looking like I have body odor, but not actually smelling like it. 6.I’m thankful that my brother’s wife is such a bitch. It keeps my family from noticing that I drink all of the wine at each family gathering. 7.I’m thankful that there is bird shit all over my car because that means it is not in my hair. 8.I’m thankful that no matter how lazy I become, my toes will never look like the ones pictured earlier this week. I’m serious. People, those freaking toenails go beyond lazy and fungus problems. Dude would have to actually tend to them to obtain that special level of nasty. Even cavemen didn’t have toenails that offensive.
9.I’m thankful that women who weigh 350 pounds feel perfectly comfortable sporting bathing suits at the pool. They remind me that beauty is on the inside while simultaneously making me look better in comparison and feel like less of a gluttonous cow. 10.I’m thankful that I am able to call the amazingly talented, awesomely hilarious Rich Rumple my friend. Thank you, Rich for allowing me to share this list with the worldwide interwebs via your kickass pages. Err…wait. Should I be apologizing to you instead? Huh. Probably. If so, sorry. That’s a wrap. Those are the things that I’m thankful for this week. Oh and please don’t tell me what the royal baby’s name is or even whether he has been named. I think it’ll be a cool experiment to see how long I can avoid not knowing. Plus, I’m worried about what piece of information it may replace. I wouldn’t want to forget about 1986, after all. This is a Ten Things of Thankful post Einsteined by the lovely Lizzi over at . Want to come play? It’s easy! Come and tell us what you’re thankful for this week.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
So, have you had enough? Probably not. Why not catch up with her at her site Finding Ninee that I supplied the link to above? (Oh c'mon, I know it's not that hard to find! Just play like you're a little above Bubba intelligence, okay?") You'll not only see her comedic side, but her daily struggles, love, and efforts to provide her family a normal life under not so normal circumstances. I guarantee you'll go back for more time and time again! She has the Rumpleoneon Seal Of Approval! (I've got to design that thing one day!)
Now, the bad news is that my Picture Links very seldom ever work. I don't know why as I copy and paste the code exactly as it is, but they just don't work. So, if you'd like to read more great bloggers tell you their 10 Things of Thankful, visit the page link at Finding Ninee . com, or at Lizzi Rogers fantastic blog at Considerings.
Again, my sincerest thanks to Kristi for guest blogging today. (Sure saved me a lot of work!) Hope you enjoyed! If you didn't ... well ... we need to talk. Please leave her your comments below!
Still, it has been stranger than most in that it's already Friday, and I have no idea to where Sunday thru Thursday disappeared. It seems as though my Rumpleoneon Calendar (in case you missed it click here) has started ruling my life before I've even drafted the petition.
The previous five days are a blur. (No, I'm not doing drugs ... have you got any?) Between working eleven hour days, writing my personal blogs and a guest blog, and trying to find a night when I can go to bed without having previously passed out in my computer chair for 2-3 hours, I have little recollection of what's transpired.
My wife says, "You're just getting old!"
I say, "I love you, bitch, especially when you bitch!"
My wife replies, "You ass!"
I retort, "Spoken by the Queen of Asses, herself! Once minor in size, her ass's prolific stature has grown over the years and seeks desperately to stretch down and kiss the freshness of Mother Earth upon which her bare feet trod upon!"
After a moment of silence, she whispers, "You ass!"
I smile as she leaves the room so I can get back to writing this drivel. At least now I have some written record of today in case it is forgotten like the rest. I don't think she'll let me forget this conversation, though. Her heat flashes seem to help her memory.
I wish I got heat flashes. My memory obviously needs help.
So does this blog posting!
I have over 200 emails awaiting my attention. I wonder how I ever became so popular with spammers? I'm desperate to open Debbie's that states, "I've missed you and want you so badly" in the subject line. (I'm guessing Little Debbie snack cakes are watching their stock fall as I've sworn off of sweets.)
Actually, most are notifications of blogs that have been written by many of the great writers that I follow because I enjoy reading their work, and because they do comment on my ramblings from time to time. It would be nice to be able to return the favor, but there is only so much time for me to do so. Quitting my job would provide the time, but I fear it would be only temporary as my bills went unpaid. Thus, I have re-entered the Twilight Zone of blogging etiquette. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I think I need an assistant! Want to Apply?
Wanted: Someone that has a similar style of humor as my own, (Yes, I've already checked out the local mental institutions!) You will be expected to go to the blogs of others and make sarcastic comments on my behalf, answer all my blogging emails (as well as those to Little Debbie snack cakes), and find all my my pictures and ensure they are legal to use. This is a voluntary, unpaid position for someone that has no desire to blog themselves, but wants to be known as a part of something below average. Any with high aspirations need not apply.
Speaking of those without high aspirations, it's once again time for
FINISH THE SENTENCE FRIDAY !!!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
It is Friday, right?
This is when our wonderful hostesses (listed in the JPEG below) provide us with a prompt and expect us to bare our souls while we finish it in 753,472 words or less. Oh, here's the JPEG I told you about:
Today's prompt is another one that took weeks to think up. It's almost as good as last week's, which we'll ignore for now for sake of word count. This week's prompt is:
"The best and worst parts of blogging are...."
... winning chain letter awards."
When you receive one of these awards, you have to wonder about the ulterior motives of the provider of that away.
1) Do they truly honor your work?
or,
2) Are the simply trying to find someone else to stick it to as
their sadistic nature takes control of their conscious state of being?
I was recently bestowed the tremendous honor of being awarded the Leibster/ Versatile Blogger Award for like the third or fourth time, by the illustrious JOY, guaranteed to bring you joy as she is always a joy to read at her joyful blog I Can Say Mama.
I'm going to guess that JOY does truly honor my work and in good faith say, "Thank You For The Award" over and over until I believe it. (Naw, she's really a good person, folks! Not sadistic at all! Put your whip away, Joy! I said it already!) So, now, comes what I hate most about blogging. When a person wins an award in normal life, it is for efforts already made. In the Blogmosphere, it entails additional efforts. (As most of you know, my lazy streak surpasses most other personal traits.) Some of these are supposedly to help those that are unfamiliar with you a little insight into what you're really like. This award requires the recipient tell Seven Deep And Dark Secrets about themselves as the first requirement to be able to display the beautiful and artsy button you see above. So, here are my seven secrets:
1) I hate anchovies on a pizza. These are wasted creatures of the sea that have no business swimming amid pepperoni, sausage, onions, green peppers, Canadian Bacon, and pineapple chunks. You wouldn't take your goldfish out of their bowl and stick them on your ham sandwich would you? Same principle! 2) I hate commercials. My patience with the moronic value they present is gone the second they start. Having experience in writing and being the voice talent on many radio and television spots, my insight as to what the business owner is actually trying to achieve. 90% of the time, their attitude is, "Make it as bad as possible so it will get attention!" Knowing this, and seeing it presented over and over in the broadcast industry today, my opinion isn't likely to change any time soon. However, there are exceptions to the rule. Being a hetero male, I do have to say this one does grab my fancy.
(I know, it's sexist and it's Paris Hilton. Even with those facts being known,
it does make one curious about the other sandwich configurations they have there.)
3) I despise the politically correct crowd. These people have no balls. They take offense at anything and everything, and try to have it banned for everyone else. I don't care if you don't believe in God, feel as though you know what happened the night Trayvon Martin died, or feel as though a program you dislike should be taken off the air. GET OVER IT!!!
No gun ever pulled its own trigger, no movie ever caused a person to go crazy (except, maybe, My Fair Lady), and no chain's attitude towards gays ever pushed a bill through Congress. It is our responsibility as human beings to raise and support our youth, not the government's. Their attempts in "No Child Left Behind" has only created a "No Child Gets Ahead." It's so much easier to stay in power when the people that follow are stupid!
Life is a constant avenue of making choices. Being a human being, you should relish in your individuality instead of trying to make everyone like yourself. Take responsibility to teach your children right from wrong so video games and television programming won't be a factor in them committing an act of mass violence. If you don't like something, tough! That doesn't make it wrong. It only makes it offensive to you. Turn your head, go down a different street, or turn the f**king channel! Stop concentrating on the bullsh*t and look through it to see what's really being said. It just may keep you from being herded like cattle in the future. You have choices. Stop trying to limit mine!
4) I am an extremely aggressive driver. When I get behind the wheel, I do so for a purpose. "I want to get to where I am going!" I'm not there to watch you use your I-Phone to text your friend, see you eat your lunch, or browse the shops on the side of the road as I follow you at 25 mph under the speed limit. Listening to the bass rattle your cheap ass car while you pimp to the chicks on the road side (blocking my efforts to travel the road normally) brings about a rage that has so far been controlled. Still, remember, today's stress can make a person slip over the edge very easily. Don't push me!
5) My colors are backwards. What? As I was growing up, blue was always my favorite color. However, attending Indiana University, red became the color to wear for loyalty. Now, living in Kentucky, blue is the color found. Yet, I'm still an Indiana University fan, which means I cannot ever be a Kentucky Wildcat fan. So, I'm held prisoner in wearing the red of my team while living in a blue world. The things we do for our Alma mater!
6) Potato Chips, white enriched flour, and Payday candy bars put me into an immediate sleep. Since becoming a borderline diabetic, I've found that there are some foods that I cannot eat and continue a normal life. Any of the above listed food items or ingredients cause my system to drop out of consciousness within 45 minutes of ingestion. I wake up, usually at the computer, hours later wondering, "What the f**k time is it?" That means if I wish to stay awake at work, I can only eat a wheat bread sandwich or a salad. Otherwise, when Pringles put me down, I might find myself unemployed. Try explaining that at the Employment Office!
7) I love wearing sweat pants around the house! There is nothing like a pair of sweats. They stretch when you need them to stretch, allow you the movement you need to operate without feeling your crotch is being scrunched by brother Levi, and they come off without effort when you're getting ready for bed ... to sleep. (At my age, what else is there?) I had two pairs (one gray, one black) that I switched out loyally until last night, when a steak slid out of my plate as the plate slid off the keyboard. (Yes, my eating habits are atrocious.) Now, the gray ones look as if I had a night time accident of my teenage years in the crotch area, even after washing. Time to go shopping again!
And that's it! My usually witty and sarcastic blog has been filled with bullsh*t knowledge about me that no one really cares about. That is the sin of a chain letter award.
Now, I'm supposed to put on my evil hat and choose seven others to endure the trials and tribulations I have just suffered.
"Oh, The Humanities!!!!"
So, who do I choose? Many that I know are just like me and have already been through this a few times. Some just ignore it, and I even had one decide that she could change the rules and still wear the badge of distinction earlier in the year.
It is with these thoughts I nominate the following bloggers. Please forgive me. Your blogs are worthy. Let's hope you are still my friends after this.
And here are the official rules for the award to be displayed.
1) Thank and link to the person who gave you the award. 2) Tell seven facts about yourself. 3) Pass it on to seven other bloggers. 4) Link to specific posts on their blogs so they’ll be notified by pingback
And so my evil deed is done. I can wear the badge with honor as I run to escape the fury and wrath of those I've hexed. May the blog force be with you all.
Oh, and unless someone decides to procrastinate,
I'm going to have a very special guest blogger tomorrow.
