FTSF: Oh how I hate.....

It's Friday again!

(As if you didn't know it.)

That means that it must be "Finish The Sentence Friday" ... again!

The choir is singing, 

"Hallelujah!,  Hallelujah! 

Finish the sentence Friday!  Hallelujah!"

Hallelujah!!!!

Fireworks are now blasting in the sky above!  The birds are gleefully chirping in unison! Squirrels are bouncing from tree limb to tree limb chattering their voices in cheerful sounds of nonsense!  Alvin & the Chipmunks are singing "Celebrate" as Kool & the Gang never could,  Sister Sledge has reunited for another version of "We Are Family", and Gloria Gaynor belts out "I Will Survive!"

(If I were to be so lucky.  I hated disco!)

"Celebrate Good Times, Come On!"

Disco music provided the same beat ... over and over and over again.  It was the forerunner to today's techno, and pop dance music, in that it was formulated by record producers instead of true musical artists.  Never did a song have deep meaning, as that would've been too much to handle for the brainless, cocaine snorting crowd that visited the disco establishments.  Some called disco "feel good" music.  Most, with brains, called it monotonous.  

The meaning of some popular songs of the era:

1. KC & The Sunshine Band - "I'm Your Boogie Man"  (I love stalking. Don't you wish everybody did?)
2. The Miracles - "Love Machine"  (The 70's Playa's national anthem.  Ego's reign supreme for those that didn't have relationship building capabilities.)
3. Andrea True Connection - "More More More"  (The female retort for those touting "Love Machine" inadequacies.)
4. The Village People - "Macho Man"  (Proof that you didn't have to be hetero to be macho.  Boy, did the word "macho" ever take a nose dive after these guys came out of the closet!)
5. Donna Summer  -  "Last Dance"  (I know your cocaine's going full blast but the club's closing and it's time to get your tail home!)
6. A Taste Of Honey - "Boogie Oogie Oogie"  (Who the hell knows!!!!)

How did I ever get on that topic?  

This is supposed to be about "Finish The Sentence Friday!"

Today's hostesses for this magnificent event that only comes around so rarely once a week are:

Janine at Janine's Confessions Of A Mommyholic

Kate at Kates Can I Get Another Bottle Of Whine

Stephanie at Stephanie's Mommy For Real

Dawn At Dawn's Disaster

The gist of this event is to finish a sentence or topic they provide with the deepest, most secret thoughts.  These will then be scrutinized by the head examiners at the University of Moscow in downtown Brewton, Alabama, and used to increase the fertility of male laboratory monkeys, as if they needed an increase in fertility.

Today's sentence, of which we are to complete, is:

"I get so frustrated when..."

(Sounds like a fun filled day of sunshine and blue sky topics will follow!  Oh well, 

I guess everyone needs a day 

to bitch a little.)

So, let's get started!

I get so frustrated when I see the stupidity and incompetence in today's society!

No, this isn't another old person sitting on their butt talking about the "I remember when" days.  (Although I am an old person sitting on my butt, hmmm.)  This is just observing what society has come to be.  

• Political Correctness laws have replaced manners!   Somewhere along the way, parents stopped teaching their kids manners.  I think it was somewhere in between Nixon and Rap Music.  We obviously have many that don't know when to keep their mouths shut, and what not to talk about.  So, the our of work lawyer surplus figured out that they could reap huge benefits by suing these people.  In doing so, legislatures decided that they could propose legal bills and amendments to guarantee no one would have the ability to speak their minds and develop individuality.  So, as the decades have passed, we are closer than ever to becoming Devo clones.  (No, Devo wasn't disco music!)  Phrases such as "Thank You", "You're Welcome", "Excuse Me", and "Please" are no longer necessary, or a viable part of humanity.  Our culture has reverted to the days of cavemen and clubs, now call "deadly weapons".   I guess even civilization goes in circles.  

• Employment Opportunities are now decided by those that have never done the jobs!  Believe it or not, people were once chosen to fill positions by those that knew what the position was all about.  Now, individuals that have never performed any of the position's responsibilities are choosing who can best do them.  This follows the theme of democracy, in that the people choose the leaders of the land by elections based on popularity and who can tell lies the best without getting caught.  So, in essence it is the American way.  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but to challenge it is obviously to criticize the United States!  Perhaps that explains why we're in the fix we're in these days!

• The Poor expect the The Rich Politicians to represent them!  Since when have the rich ever worked in the best interest of the poor?  Never!  It is the goal of the rich to become richer.  That's it!  No postscripts!  Once you have money, you simply want more and more of it.  So what if the people are suffering?  You're not and don't ever plan on it!  That's why political campaigns have become something only the rich can afford.  As long as the corporate leaders can keep it this way, inept CEO's, traitorous corporations that move overseas (cutting American jobs but still selling products to Americans), and the political players will continue to watch each other's backs, and put a knife in the backs of those "lower income level" individuals. 

• The "Race Card" is still being used!  I'm sorry, but in the 60's I marched for civil rights.  It's been a long time since then and many have proven that you can make it in society regardless of what color you are.  I have no mercy for a 16 year old that has three kids, screaming she can't get a job because she's one color or the other.  Neither do I have compassion for a drug dealer being sent to prison because he only did what he did because he came from a broken household.  You're in the position you're in because of the decisions you made.  If you screwed up, admit it, get your act together, and stop expecting support from everyone else!  I don't care if you're white, black, red, yellow, green, purple or tangerine ... quit your bitching, take personal accountability for your life, and make something of yourself!  (That way, you can help to support me in a few years and keep Social Security going!)

• Parents bitch about others doing the job they won't!   I have a lot of love for teaching.  Yet, I know that the teachers of today have it extremely difficult dealing with the kids.  Years ago, you'd be sent to the Principal's office and get your tail whacked with a wooden paddle when you did something wrong.  Nowadays, the teacher is suspended if they even look at the child wrong.  Parents have become so stupid that they won't teach their children right from wrong, and have limited a teacher's ability to also do that.  Yet, society wonders when kids pick up a gun and go on a shooting spree.  We have a group of youngsters that have been raised without guidance, and we're wondering what's wrong with them.  Perhaps, we should be looking in a mirror, asking ourselves why we didn't do our jobs as parents, and again, start taking personal accountability.  Of course, that would mean admitting we weren't perfect.  Oh my God, how could we ever do that?

Okay, that was the serious stuff.  Now, here are the Top Fifteen frustrations I deal with:

1. Hair on a restaurant hamburger.
2. Coke machines that distribute cans with such force they explode in your face when opened.
3. Dumbass semi drivers going 65 mph that pull out in front of your 75 mph car, on the interstate, to pass another semi going 64 mph ... up a hill.
4. Restaurant drive-thru workers that don't know how to say "Thank You!"
5. Promos for future programming on the TV screen as you're trying to watch a program.
6. Cashiers that couldn't count change back if they had to.
7. Customer service reps with foreign accents telling you their name is Charlie.
8. Stupid people that blame inanimate objects for the acts of stupid people.
9. Grits on a breakfast plate.
10. Neighbor's rap music at 2 a.m.
11. Waxy, non absorbent, public restroom toilet tissue.
12. Dog owners that use parking lots to let their dogs urinate on every one's tires.
13. New movies that only copy old ones.
14. Commercials that warn of four hour erections.    
15. Resealable packages for single serving food items.

Of course, we're always going to have to deal with minor frustrations in our daily lives.  Perhaps, in the afterlife, some of us will even have to deal with high temperature issues, heat irritations, and dry skin.  It will give us something to complain about.  

That's what makes us happy!  Right?

Gabriela's Mommy Blog: Men - O - Pause

(Gimme a hip hop beat)

1-2-3-4, 

Gabriela's at the door!

Mon-Day-Ay, 

Mon-Day-Ay

When I have my time

to Say-Ay, 

to Say-Ay.

I'm the cat with the most, 

jam 'n butter on the toast,

no big brag or mommy boast, 

I be the baddest cat host.

I tell it like it is, 

don't hold back on the fizz,

Lay it straight on the line, 

cuz I'm bold but so fine!

Say Yeah-ah!   "Yeah-ah!"

Say Yeah-ah!  "Yeah-ah!"

Put ya hands in the air-ah, Way up in the air-ah!

Say Ga-Bri-El-A!   "Ga  -  Bri   -  El   -   A!"

Yo it's Ga  - Bri  -  El  -  A!

GABRIELA !!!

"Hi Y'all!"

Girls, I gotta thank you!  Rich had absolutely no chance to turn me down with the way y'all commented last week!  Oh my gosh, support me you did!  I got almost as many comments as Rich does on his blogs.  (Of course, that's not sayin' much!  lol)

The ladies have spoken!  It's Girl Power puttin' down the man!   Mommies Rule!

So, at least for a while, Mondays will definitely be my day here on Rich's blog.  My little paws will be pounding the keys on subjects that some mommies need to know, and other mommies just Want to know!  Coz, darhin's, I do know!  And, I'm gonna do my best to help y'all out!

Today's topic, as promised, is 

I know how to get what
I want ... do you?

MEN - O - PAUSE

Girls, have you ever wanted somethin' real bad?  I mean, so bad that you get that squishy feelin' inside, kinda like you gotta go take a pee, but you're in a public place and really don't wanna sit down where that dirty, ugly, fat, one toothed lady from the trailer park reject center just got up from?   I mean, you want it so bad that it hurts, but you know your hubby is plannin' on buyin' that useless tool for the garage or that video game that will pretend is for the kids!

Girls, that's when it's time for 

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

This is all about what our mamas should have been teachin' us since we were old enough to know what shakin' and bakin' it does to a man!  I call it P.O.P. (The Power Of Pussycat)!  You can call it whatever you want!  Truth is, the only girl that doesn't get what she wants is one that's too shy to give it a try!  

"So, how do we get what we want? "

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

Get the headache pills ready and set the bottle out.  

No matter how much they beg, make 'em scream, make 'em shout.

Flaunt what cha got, put on a real show,

But when they ask for mo', tell 'em no, no, no!

Lke that DVD y'all were watchin' the other night, just when it gets to a good part, grab the remote control, and put it on pause.  Make him wait! Take your time in the kitchen, gettin' somethin' you want to munch on, and then come back, sit down, and say, 

"Oh, did you want somethin' too?"

Now, not only have you ticked him off by makin' him wait, but he's gettin' nothin' for waiting!  Oh, dahrlings, there's nothin' like nothin' to get a man to do somethin'!  

So, cut him off!  Take away his 

"Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am" 

and replace it with

"Scram!"

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

Not tonight honey, I ...

Now, a couple of nights later, after you've used up the Top Ten typical excuses:

1. I have a headache.
2. I feel bloated.
3. I'm worried about my friend.  I think her husband's coming out of the closet.
4. I think I might have a yeast infection.
5. I found porn site history on the computer again.  Do you think the kids are looking at it, or are you?
6. I'm so depressed.
7. I can't stop thinking about my mother.
8. I'm feeling a little itchy down there:   A.)  You haven't been messing around somewhere else, have you?    B.)  I hope I didn't catch something crawly from Wal-Mart's bathroom!
9. I hear something outside the window.  A.)  Why don't you go check it out?        B.)  Do you think it could be the new girl from your office?
10. I hope your nose is stopped up, because I really have gas tonight.  

It's time to lay it all on the line.  

Fix him somethin' good to eat for dinner ... oysters or somethin' that'll give him a hint as to what he could be in store for later on.  Then, get into that special little teddy he loves and sit close to him on the couch after you put the kids away for the evening.  Kiss his neck a few times, warm up your hands in his crotch, and say, 

I'm always here if he says, 
"NO!"

"I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight.  Do I need to get fresh batteries, 

or are you going to join me?"

(*One word of warning, never say this in the last five minutes of a basketball or football game.  Have some patience and wait until it's over.  Otherwise, you've only got a fifty/ fifty chance of getting him to come along so you can score!)

Honey, that damn Energizer Bunny can't move as fast as your man will!  

So, you've got him in bed.  Now, after kissing a couple of minutes (or, seconds if you're still young) say,  "Oh, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."

MEN - O - PAUSE  !!!!!!

"I know you've been wanting that new tool for the garage workshop, but I found a really nice _____ that I haven't been able to get off of my mind the last few days.  I was going to ask for it for (my birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas), but it's on sale right now.  Do you think I might be able to go ahead and save us money and get it?"

Now, two things can happen.  Your flow chart from here depends on the answer you receive.

1)  If you get any type of positive acknowledgement  (verbal "yes", grunt, or head shake), you've got your way and can give him what he wants (if you want to, as it really doesn't matter now since he's said, "Yes.").  
2)  If he's going to play "I'm a selfish bastard" and says, "No", or gives you any type of static, you know what time it is!

MEN - O - PAUSE   !!!!!!

("Honey, I can say "No" too!")

Girls, you're gonna get what you want!  I promise you!  As long as your hubby is still in love with you and horny, he's gonna give you what you want so he can get what he wants ... you!  That's just the way it is!

And, if he doesn't, chances are he's messin' around on you and gettin' it someplace else!  Then, you're still gonna get what you want.  

You just have to have a little patience while the lawyers work out all the details!  

Did you see me perform
at the Super Bowl?   lol

Once again, it's

MEN - O - PAUSE  !!!!!

Now, I know most of you have been pro's at this stuff for a while.  But there's always one or two of you wondering why your neighbor's husband always buys her stuff, and you never get anything.  This has been for you.  

And I know a few of you probably thought I was gonna be talkin' about menopause, or the change of life thing.  I ain't old enough to be an expert on that, so, either ask your mama, or take a little time and ask Rich.

"Rich?"

Honey, ain't no one can tell you better about menopause than a man whose wife has been through it!   I hear tell it's like daily PMS for three to four years!  Now you know why he played around with venomous snakes for so long ?  It was safer!

See y'all next week!

***Girls ... please let me know what topics you'd like for me to talk about.  There's nothin' worse than me just chattin' away at somethin' you don't want to hear.  That's like listenin' to your husband or boyfriend yak yak yak all night!  So, list some topics in the comments below!  

Or, if you'd like some advice, just say, "Gabriela, I need help .... "  

I'll do my best to cover it the following Monday!

Also, tell me about how you use MEN - O - PAUSE in your home if it's any different than mine.  I'd love to learn new secrets!

I got laundry to fold and put away!
Y'all write me some comments and I'll get to 'em tonight!
Thanks, Y'all!

FTSF: Valentine's Day (or, How To Keep The Local Florist In Business)

Here we go again! 

 Deja Vu!  

(Or, is that JaVu De
 ... or VuDe Ja?)  

No matter, it's 

Finish The Sentence Friday!   

Why do I expect bands to be playing and crowds roaring when I type that?  It never happens, yet I'm constantly awaiting the day it does.   

I guess I've just got nothing better to do.  That's kind of sad if you think about it.  

To be awaiting something that will never take place is a complete waste of "wait" time.  I mean, don't we spend enough time waiting on stoplights to change?  At least they'll change sooner or later.  

And, how about waiting in line at the grocery store?  Don't we waste enough time doing that?   We stand there, waiting on the lady that waits until the cashier finishes ringing up the order to pull out her check book.  Then, we wait while the cashier finds a pen for her.  Then, we wait while she tries to figure out the date.  Then, we wait while she fishes in her vast cavity of a purse for a driver's license.   Of course, after she finally finishes writing and validating, we have to wait for her to put everything back into this vast bottomless pit she carries.  But, at least when it is all said and done, we get to the cashier and have our turn.

So, waiting for something that will never happen seems so pointless.  It's like waiting on your kids to do everything right for a week.  It will never happen! Still, we waste time thinking that by some miracle, it will.   Yet, like the band playing and the crowd roaring, kids doing everything right for a week is just another example of false hopes and dreams being dashed to little tiny bits and pieces ... and some slivers that will snag the bottoms of your feet if you walk barefoot.

Just call me Mr. Positive today!   "Hey Scrooge, need some company?"

As I started to say earlier, today is Finish The Sentence Friday!  (still no band or crowd)  This is the day in which we experiment with our common sense to decide if we are ever going to have enough intelligence to keep quiet about ourselves, or, continue to provide tidbits of our past for the ridicule and sadistic enjoyment of others.   In other words, "Let's hear the smut!"

Today, the sentence we are to finish is:

 "The most-memorable Valentine’s Day 

I ever had was…”

As always, the gracious hosts of this are:

Janine at "Janine's Confessions Of A Mommyholic"

Kate of "Kate's Can I Get Another Bottle Of Whine"

Stephanie from "Stephanie's Mommy For Real"

Dawn from "Dawn's Disaster"

So, in charge of this hub hop we have an addict, a bottle fetish'er, a real mommy (vs. a fake one), and a disaster.   And you thought I was the only negative thinker here!   lol

Moving right along ... slowly ... let's get back to the topic at hand.

"The most memorable Valentine's Day I ever had was ... 

I wish I could tell you!   

What?  Rich is stumped?  Is he hiding something?

C'mon, you know better than that!

Lets look at a few things.  Men and women have a few differences in the way they think.  Women remember the things that make their hearts go thumpa thumpa thumpa.  Guys don't.  They remember basketballs going bounce-a bounce-a bounce-a.  It's really quite that simple.

I'm not a member of today's society.  I come from the past.  No, I'm not talking reincarnated, (although I do shoot a pistol better from the hip than in a rigid stance, which makes me wonder about having been a gunslinger in a previous life) but from a time of Black and White movies.

Today's society thinks it odd to treat a woman as something special.  It's something you only do on Valentine's Day, an anniversary, or when you really want to have a romantic evening (before the popcorn and ESPN).  

However, I've always done my best to mimic the actions of the charmers of the Silver Screen. (Bogey, Gable, Sinatra, Groucho)

1. I hold out a chair for my wife (to keep her from missing it and ending up on her butt on the floor), 
2. open and close her car door for her (since she can't close a damn door right), 
3. ask her if I can get her anything when I go to the kitchen for refreshments (since she's getting too big to get up without straining and groaning), 
4. and help her on with her coat (that gets larger every year).  
5. I walk closest to the curb (in case she gets mad and throws something at me), 
6. hold the door open for her to enter first (in case someone is shooting inside), 
7. and always order for her (in case the waiter has something to do instead of waiting three hours for her to make up her mind).

Seriously, I don't need a special day to show my wife love.  I'd rather surprise her on just any old day!  First, I do a little shopping for her.  Then, after she goes to bed, I hang up a couple of tops, set out some perfume, and position one red rose in a vase all next to the coffee pot in the kitchen.  That way, when she gets up, it's suddenly a special day for her.  She seems to like it.

Or, I'll surprise her by having cooked a quality meal when she gets home from work.  I'll sometimes do the dishes (she's left from the night before and her breakfast) so she can relax a bit.  And, I've even done the red checked tablecloth and candle for a meal in the back yard under the stars.  However, I learned my lesson and will no longer attempt to bake pastries!  lol  

I think the most important thing I do is to always make her smile before she goes to bed.  With different schedules, she's always turning in earlier than I.  But, regardless of what the day brought, I will do whatever I have to do to make her smile.  It may be making up a weird song or rap, mimicking her actions, a joke or two, or even some teasing and pinching.  But, whatever it takes, I make her smile.  

As we've grown together over the years, I seem to love her more and more every day.  So, who needs Valentine's Day to show love?  Why cherish only one day when it can be experienced 365 days a year.

Especially now that the hot flashes and temper tantrums are over with!

How To Rid Yourself Of Unwanted Children

"It's my job to ruin your life.
That's why I was born!"

***Disclaimer:
   This blog article in NO WAY is to be taken as a directional guide, nor have any of it's suggestions utilized by anyone of sound or unsound mind.  Of course, to take these suggestions under consideration only indicates that you are of unsound mind, and need to seek immediate mental health assistance from a qualified professional psychiatrist, known crudely as a"head shrinker".  This, in NO WAY means for you to seek out adventure and journey to the deep, dark depths of the most hidden jungle to find someone to shrink your head.  That is a lost art. Even though your brain may still easily fit within the shrunken skull, you would find many using it as either a designer hat rack or a horseshoe tossing post.  

The author takes absolutely 

NO RESPONSIBILITY 

should you use any of these ideas.  

   Please, use this blog offering only as it is intended ... to laugh, shake your head in disbelief of how far over the line it travels, analyze your actions and see if they could be misconstrued as applicable to this topic, and to waste valuable time in which you could be writing your own blog!  The management sincerely thanks you for your understanding, and reminds you to not stick unwanted used pieces of chewing gum to the chair bottom when you are finished. ***

* * * * * * * * * * * *

So, things didn't work out the way you planned, did they?  

"Damn right I'm gonna cry!
Give me your boob 
and I'll shut up!"

Well, you got pregnant when you were only thirteen, and now that you're fifteen. you're tired of having to deal with a crying one year old that a sock in the mouth won't shut up!   How can you plan to go out on dates and enjoy your childhood when you've got to deal with a screaming, whining baby every night?   Geesh, the damn thing doesn't even care if you get your beauty sleep or not!!  Plus, your mother is saying, "You deal with it!  I had to deal with you!"    She's no help at all!

Or, you married your teenage sweetheart, who turned out to be the ass your parents told you he was.  Just had to have a couple of kids to try to keep the marriage together, didn't you?  Well, now, he's gone and the little boogers are crimping your dating life!  Hell, they even caused you to break a nail and drop one of your earphones in a pile of greenish brown crap while changing diapers yesterday!   That's going just TOO FAR!!!


Maybe you decided that you wanted bigger boobs.  So, instead of paying the $5000 for an operation, you decided to go the Redneck route to boob enlargement and found that getting pregnant was a natural way to increase their size.  You just didn't realize that along with the size came a 10 pound infant that wanted to be permanently attached to them.  Now, you have no room for your boyfriend to munch, and when he does, he's getting more than what he bargained for!  Plus, your hips have separated and you're now as wide as an eighteen wheeler!

So, what do you do?

Get rid of them!   It's simple and it's easy!   All you have to do is to follow the program and before you know it, you'll be free of stinking, dirty diapers, sniffling noses that never stop running, and nights filled with howls and screeches from Hell!!  

Here's the way to financial and personal freedom and a much happier life!

Fun time!
Excuses 'R Us!!!

First things first!  Go to the best prescription providing physician (the one you always visited for legally  controlled drugs before you gave birth) and get prescriptions for depression, severe pain, and four hour erections.  

The depression and pain pills will give you a valid excuse for misplacing or losing your kid(s) should a court appearance be necessary.  At worst, if found guilty, you can sue the drug companies and have a nice nest egg to enjoy upon your release.  

The four hour erection pills are to strictly demonstrate the doctor was a complete quack, to help you with your defense, again, should you end up in court.  (After the case is closed, just give them to your single uncle to enjoy.)

Next, if you're still in high school, quit immediately after beginning to take the pills.  This will demonstrate a chemical imbalance that created a mental disorder that brought on a lack of responsible attitude (as if you ever had one to begin with).  This will usually allow for a certain amount of "pity" votes from the jury, again, should you end up in court.

Now, all you have to do is to is plan on a way to dispose of the millstones around your neck.  Drowning in a bathtub and/or sending them into a lake in a running car has already been tried with prison as a result.  Also, stay away from dumpsters and garbage cans as courtroom juries have no mercy upon those who use them for this purpose.  Remember, there are cameras everywhere these days, so you're going to have to be careful.  It is of the essence to utilize a location that will provide you with the best chance of getting away, as well as the best legal excuse.

Therefore, any of the following steps may work for you on the first attempt, so choose wisely.  To avoid legal problems, you might want to incorporate two or more of these steps into your plan of action.  This will ensure complete success! 

"Thanks for advertising!
Tell all your friends to do the same!
I can sell all you can provide!"

1)  The best way to "lose" the kid(s) is to advertise!  No, damn it, I'm not talking about taking out an ad in the local newspaper.  That costs money you'll need to enjoy life once you're free again!

Instead, advertise on the web!  Facebook provides you an effective forum to display a beautiful catalog of pictures of those of whom you wish to no longer have around.  

Increase your odds of success and present all the perverts of the world with family photos of the darling youngster(s) to drool over. In addition, provide information as to where and when you shop, how you constantly get mad at yourself for leaving them unguarded in shopping carts and unlocked cars, and kindergarten and school names for easy access.  Don't forget to include a full schedule of days and times, and a complete description of your car or van, including the license plate number.

*For Google purposes, be sure to include the following paragraph:*

"I sure hope that nothing happens to my kid(s).  I'm afraid a Black Market Seller, Deranged Kidnapper, or Sexual Pervert will take my kid(s), as I am constantly leaving them unsupervised due to my new found dependency on drugs.  I've even found myself falling to sleep on my sofa at (Home Address) every afternoon with the doors unlocked because of how sleepy they make me.  I'm sure they would be such an Easy Target for such people.  If anything ever happened to the kid(s), I'd be too afraid to contact the authorities for fear they'd imprison me for neglect."

I guarantee this one will work!  Why, just look at all the people doing it on Facebook, as well as in blogs!  They're advertising in hopes of a peaceful return to the life they once loved.  

You Can Too!!!

2)  Hiking trips also provide many excuses to "lose" your children.  "I was lost and put the baby down while it was crying to give me a reference point to which to return after finding the trail back to civilization" will usually provide the authorities with a reason to let you go (especially if you're blonde).  

"Sure I eat in the woods.  I crap there, too!  
If you're gonna blame me,
at least leave me some crumbs for a last meal!"

If you are a redhead or brunette, you can always use, "I thought I was going to be attacked by a wild animal, so I put the baby down to hide it from the jaws of the wild beast!  Then I ran away to draw the beast away!  Then, I couldn't remember where I'd left it!"  

You may even be looked at as a hero as hunters go on a shooting spree and kill lions and tigers and bears, oh my!   

If you have black hair, simply start speaking broken English  (Bambino?  Mi?  Non Com-pren-di?), enjoy a free trip to Mexico via The Department of Immigration, partake of some authentic Mexican tacos, and have your mother send you your driver's license so you can come back legally to a life you desire! 

If you've shaved your head, simply tell the authorities that aliens whisked your baby away after providing you a full anal probe (that you thoroughly enjoyed), and you have no idea what happened next.  You'll spend a couple of months resting, listening to Sinead O'Connor oldies on your I-Pod, and enjoying asylum medications before you'll be free to enjoy life!

"I betcha that one's gonna drop her kid!"
"No, in fact, I'll bet five delicious fingers
 it's the one over there!"

3)  Zoos are another great place to "lose" a child.  There are so many benches where one could rest a few minutes, and then be confused upon waking (because of the drugs ... *see above) that they could completely forget they ever had a child there.  And, with all the racket being made by the elephants and lions and monkeys, it will take hours for the baby to be discovered!  Getaways can be completed without worry!

Also, you can try holding the baby carrier loosely on a cage ledge. This could allow the unsecured infant the opportunity to see the insides of a wild animal up close and personal.  Since you don't care how you get free of your responsibilities, this one might even allow you to be viewed as the grieving mother that reached for a falling bottle and lost the baby as it slid into the pit.  Therefore, you might even find yourself glowing in national news coverage, and provided with name recognition for those future date partners! 

"So, are they good voices,
    or, are they bad voices?"

4)  As a last resort, you could call Child Services and let them have the kids.  Simply state that you are having extremely bad visions of demons ravaging your body endlessly and hearing profane voices whispering in your head.  Also state that you want to play "Kick The Baby" as shown often on South Park!  Even the most ignorant of government employees (easily found) would find it necessary to remove the children from your care.  (Unless they start agreeing that they've been experiencing the same things!)

If you do come upon one that's still too stupid to take the kid(s), add a quick impression of Linda Blair's performance in The Exorcist, by rotating your head around 360 degrees, and puking green pea soup all over their uniform.  If they still don't take the little monster, at least you've had a good time getting them to think about it!

*          *          *          *          *           *          *

See, getting rid of unwanted children really isn't that hard to do!   You just have to have a plan of action, follow a preset course, and be a good actor when pleading with authorities.  Get rid of your unwanted baggage and enjoy the life you truly deserve!

Just remember, your actions are completely valid because ...

You really weren't fit to be a mother in the first place! 

  

In fact, 

You Suck!

*Okay, I realize this post was a little over the line, but folks, we gotta protect the kids.  For other blogs on this topic, please visit the new posts on:

Terrye at The Misadventures of a Misplaced Alaskan
and
Michelle at Muses From The Deep