How To Rid Yourself Of Unwanted Children

"It's my job to ruin your life.
That's why I was born!"

***Disclaimer:
   This blog article in NO WAY is to be taken as a directional guide, nor have any of it's suggestions utilized by anyone of sound or unsound mind.  Of course, to take these suggestions under consideration only indicates that you are of unsound mind, and need to seek immediate mental health assistance from a qualified professional psychiatrist, known crudely as a"head shrinker".  This, in NO WAY means for you to seek out adventure and journey to the deep, dark depths of the most hidden jungle to find someone to shrink your head.  That is a lost art. Even though your brain may still easily fit within the shrunken skull, you would find many using it as either a designer hat rack or a horseshoe tossing post.  

The author takes absolutely 

NO RESPONSIBILITY 

should you use any of these ideas.  

   Please, use this blog offering only as it is intended ... to laugh, shake your head in disbelief of how far over the line it travels, analyze your actions and see if they could be misconstrued as applicable to this topic, and to waste valuable time in which you could be writing your own blog!  The management sincerely thanks you for your understanding, and reminds you to not stick unwanted used pieces of chewing gum to the chair bottom when you are finished. ***

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So, things didn't work out the way you planned, did they?  

"Damn right I'm gonna cry!
Give me your boob 
and I'll shut up!"

Well, you got pregnant when you were only thirteen, and now that you're fifteen. you're tired of having to deal with a crying one year old that a sock in the mouth won't shut up!   How can you plan to go out on dates and enjoy your childhood when you've got to deal with a screaming, whining baby every night?   Geesh, the damn thing doesn't even care if you get your beauty sleep or not!!  Plus, your mother is saying, "You deal with it!  I had to deal with you!"    She's no help at all!

Or, you married your teenage sweetheart, who turned out to be the ass your parents told you he was.  Just had to have a couple of kids to try to keep the marriage together, didn't you?  Well, now, he's gone and the little boogers are crimping your dating life!  Hell, they even caused you to break a nail and drop one of your earphones in a pile of greenish brown crap while changing diapers yesterday!   That's going just TOO FAR!!!


Maybe you decided that you wanted bigger boobs.  So, instead of paying the $5000 for an operation, you decided to go the Redneck route to boob enlargement and found that getting pregnant was a natural way to increase their size.  You just didn't realize that along with the size came a 10 pound infant that wanted to be permanently attached to them.  Now, you have no room for your boyfriend to munch, and when he does, he's getting more than what he bargained for!  Plus, your hips have separated and you're now as wide as an eighteen wheeler!

So, what do you do?

Get rid of them!   It's simple and it's easy!   All you have to do is to follow the program and before you know it, you'll be free of stinking, dirty diapers, sniffling noses that never stop running, and nights filled with howls and screeches from Hell!!  

Here's the way to financial and personal freedom and a much happier life!

Fun time!
Excuses 'R Us!!!

First things first!  Go to the best prescription providing physician (the one you always visited for legally  controlled drugs before you gave birth) and get prescriptions for depression, severe pain, and four hour erections.  

The depression and pain pills will give you a valid excuse for misplacing or losing your kid(s) should a court appearance be necessary.  At worst, if found guilty, you can sue the drug companies and have a nice nest egg to enjoy upon your release.  

The four hour erection pills are to strictly demonstrate the doctor was a complete quack, to help you with your defense, again, should you end up in court.  (After the case is closed, just give them to your single uncle to enjoy.)

Next, if you're still in high school, quit immediately after beginning to take the pills.  This will demonstrate a chemical imbalance that created a mental disorder that brought on a lack of responsible attitude (as if you ever had one to begin with).  This will usually allow for a certain amount of "pity" votes from the jury, again, should you end up in court.

Now, all you have to do is to is plan on a way to dispose of the millstones around your neck.  Drowning in a bathtub and/or sending them into a lake in a running car has already been tried with prison as a result.  Also, stay away from dumpsters and garbage cans as courtroom juries have no mercy upon those who use them for this purpose.  Remember, there are cameras everywhere these days, so you're going to have to be careful.  It is of the essence to utilize a location that will provide you with the best chance of getting away, as well as the best legal excuse.

Therefore, any of the following steps may work for you on the first attempt, so choose wisely.  To avoid legal problems, you might want to incorporate two or more of these steps into your plan of action.  This will ensure complete success! 

"Thanks for advertising!
Tell all your friends to do the same!
I can sell all you can provide!"

1)  The best way to "lose" the kid(s) is to advertise!  No, damn it, I'm not talking about taking out an ad in the local newspaper.  That costs money you'll need to enjoy life once you're free again!

Instead, advertise on the web!  Facebook provides you an effective forum to display a beautiful catalog of pictures of those of whom you wish to no longer have around.  

Increase your odds of success and present all the perverts of the world with family photos of the darling youngster(s) to drool over. In addition, provide information as to where and when you shop, how you constantly get mad at yourself for leaving them unguarded in shopping carts and unlocked cars, and kindergarten and school names for easy access.  Don't forget to include a full schedule of days and times, and a complete description of your car or van, including the license plate number.

*For Google purposes, be sure to include the following paragraph:*

"I sure hope that nothing happens to my kid(s).  I'm afraid a Black Market Seller, Deranged Kidnapper, or Sexual Pervert will take my kid(s), as I am constantly leaving them unsupervised due to my new found dependency on drugs.  I've even found myself falling to sleep on my sofa at (Home Address) every afternoon with the doors unlocked because of how sleepy they make me.  I'm sure they would be such an Easy Target for such people.  If anything ever happened to the kid(s), I'd be too afraid to contact the authorities for fear they'd imprison me for neglect."

I guarantee this one will work!  Why, just look at all the people doing it on Facebook, as well as in blogs!  They're advertising in hopes of a peaceful return to the life they once loved.  

You Can Too!!!

2)  Hiking trips also provide many excuses to "lose" your children.  "I was lost and put the baby down while it was crying to give me a reference point to which to return after finding the trail back to civilization" will usually provide the authorities with a reason to let you go (especially if you're blonde).  

"Sure I eat in the woods.  I crap there, too!  
If you're gonna blame me,
at least leave me some crumbs for a last meal!"

If you are a redhead or brunette, you can always use, "I thought I was going to be attacked by a wild animal, so I put the baby down to hide it from the jaws of the wild beast!  Then I ran away to draw the beast away!  Then, I couldn't remember where I'd left it!"  

You may even be looked at as a hero as hunters go on a shooting spree and kill lions and tigers and bears, oh my!   

If you have black hair, simply start speaking broken English  (Bambino?  Mi?  Non Com-pren-di?), enjoy a free trip to Mexico via The Department of Immigration, partake of some authentic Mexican tacos, and have your mother send you your driver's license so you can come back legally to a life you desire! 

If you've shaved your head, simply tell the authorities that aliens whisked your baby away after providing you a full anal probe (that you thoroughly enjoyed), and you have no idea what happened next.  You'll spend a couple of months resting, listening to Sinead O'Connor oldies on your I-Pod, and enjoying asylum medications before you'll be free to enjoy life!

"I betcha that one's gonna drop her kid!"
"No, in fact, I'll bet five delicious fingers
 it's the one over there!"

3)  Zoos are another great place to "lose" a child.  There are so many benches where one could rest a few minutes, and then be confused upon waking (because of the drugs ... *see above) that they could completely forget they ever had a child there.  And, with all the racket being made by the elephants and lions and monkeys, it will take hours for the baby to be discovered!  Getaways can be completed without worry!

Also, you can try holding the baby carrier loosely on a cage ledge. This could allow the unsecured infant the opportunity to see the insides of a wild animal up close and personal.  Since you don't care how you get free of your responsibilities, this one might even allow you to be viewed as the grieving mother that reached for a falling bottle and lost the baby as it slid into the pit.  Therefore, you might even find yourself glowing in national news coverage, and provided with name recognition for those future date partners! 

"So, are they good voices,
    or, are they bad voices?"

4)  As a last resort, you could call Child Services and let them have the kids.  Simply state that you are having extremely bad visions of demons ravaging your body endlessly and hearing profane voices whispering in your head.  Also state that you want to play "Kick The Baby" as shown often on South Park!  Even the most ignorant of government employees (easily found) would find it necessary to remove the children from your care.  (Unless they start agreeing that they've been experiencing the same things!)

If you do come upon one that's still too stupid to take the kid(s), add a quick impression of Linda Blair's performance in The Exorcist, by rotating your head around 360 degrees, and puking green pea soup all over their uniform.  If they still don't take the little monster, at least you've had a good time getting them to think about it!

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See, getting rid of unwanted children really isn't that hard to do!   You just have to have a plan of action, follow a preset course, and be a good actor when pleading with authorities.  Get rid of your unwanted baggage and enjoy the life you truly deserve!

Just remember, your actions are completely valid because ...

You really weren't fit to be a mother in the first place! 

  

In fact, 

You Suck!

*Okay, I realize this post was a little over the line, but folks, we gotta protect the kids.  For other blogs on this topic, please visit the new posts on:

Terrye at The Misadventures of a Misplaced Alaskan
and
Michelle at Muses From The Deep

Gabriela's "Mommy Blog Monday"

Hi y'all!   It's me again!

Hello! Hello!

The girl of girls, 

the furry fan 

 of fabulous friends,

the magical mommy 

of mommies,

the demonic cat 

of Kentucky Flatt,

yes, ladies,

I have returned!!!

Gabriela's In The House!!!

(Boom Shaka Laka,  Boom Shaka Laka!)

I knew I'd get my way and get my own day to blog if I created a big enough fit over it!  Rich has agreed to let me have my day!  

Of course, I had to threaten him a little.  

We argued about it some, but he finally saw my side of the story when I asked him (while I was sharpening my claws) if he'd like to wake up one morning with the same abilities to please a woman that Faletame has!   

I said, 

"Richiepoo, I ain't no vet, 

but I can say I surely bet, 

my claws can make a difference, in the way you set ... down!"   

Girls, he quickly saw it my way!  lol  Just remember, to properly inspire, you gotta show some fire!

So, now I got my day to blog.  I just gotta figure out something to talk about!  Like that's ever been a problem for me.

Being a mommy, I guess I can talk about mommies.  I can hear y'all's knees knockin' now!  

"Oh, Gabriela ... be gentle!  You know we love our kids and husband with all our lives!  We'd do anything to make them happy!  We always try to show love and affection!"

Who do you think y'all are talkin' to, girls?  Y'all just like me ... as long as you're in control, you're the baddest bitch on the block!  Then, when something goes too far, you just say, "What have I got myself into", start blamin' someone else, say the hell with the diet, eat a half gallon of Cookies 'N Cream ice cream, and then call your cryin' buddy and let out all your guilty feelin's about how you should be appreciated more!

Ladies, that's what we do!  Be loud and be proud!

I remember my six kids!  In fact, I think of them all the time ... and am happy to have them out of my life!  Oh chill now, I'm just jokin'!  I loved them, for about five minutes after they was born.  Then, girls, they started feedin' on me.  

OH....MY....GOD...!!!!      The little suckers had teeth!!!

Y'all's kids don't get teeth till they're done feedin' on you.  Mine were born with them!  Big long fangs that would dig way down to your back bone and scrap the fleas off the vertebrae!  

You know how it feels when your boyfriend,  oops, hubby are in that sexy lovin' mood and he starts goin' a little crazy on you and bites down when he shouldn't???  (Yeah, we know where to get them back for that ... don't we girls?)

But, imagine, six of those darling dears bitin' you at once!    I swear, I just about decided immediately that all of them were gonna go on a starvation diet right out of the pod!  

But, it's all about a mother's love.  I laid there, day after day, as my six little, lovin' babies sucked in their breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Six furry frocks of feedin' frenzy ... just going to town on all I had to offer.

I'd always heard that a mother's love was unconditional.  If I'd have known about the bitin' condition, I might have thought twice about gettin' conditionally pregnant!  

However, as a lovin' mother, I had just one thought, 

"When the hell y'all gonna start eatin' solid food?"

Well, they got older real fast.  And before you know it, they're gone!  I really miss them sometimes.  They don't even write!  It's kind of like, "Gee Mom, thanks for the food.  Gotta go!  Maybe see you around!"

Ain't that the fate we have, ladies?  We're used by men, used by kids, and then expected to be the lovin', sweet, devoted creatures we portray ourselves to be.  

Gets cha all mushy inside.  Kind of makes you want to start drinkin'... again!   Least, that's my excuse!  lol

Anyway, I guess the moral of this blog is, 

"Love and enjoy y'all's kids and husband as long as they're around.  

Almost nothin' lasts forever, and along with the good, comes some pain!  

Plus, there's always wine for the whine!  

So, open that sucker up!"

          *          *          *          *          *          *           *           *          *          *          *

***If  y'all want, I'll be back next Monday.  I'm thinkin' about talkin' about the subject "Men-O-Pause!"  Remember, Rich will only let me come back if you comment favorably!  Let him know what you think below!

Later!

Now, if you don't mind, I've gotta get my beauty sleep!
Writing a blog is a lot of work!

FTSF - Reality TV and Me

Well, here we are again!   

Finish the sentence Friday is here.  I'd thought about skipping this one and really taking a day off.  But, since the only blog posted on my site this week came from my cat, Gabriela, I have to remember my obligations.  So, let me get to it!   

Let it be kept in mind that I'm watching the final "Resident Evil" movie "Retribution" while I'm attempting to accomplish this.  So, if I seem somewhat spaced out at times, you'll know it's because I'm staring at and dreaming of a magnificent fantasy that includes myself and Milla Jovovich!    

You see, Milla and I have had a long relationship.  She represents everything I'd want in a woman.  Not only can she kick anyone's ass that decided to make fun of my writing, but she'd look great doing it!   And yes, I recognize that I have nothing to offer her, and really can't even tell you a thing about her personal life.  Still, we must enjoy fantasies wherever we can find them.   

Even my cat Faletame is stroking his whiskers and giving me a high five on this one!

Gabriela's saying, "Hey Faletame, thanks to the vet, you couldn't do anything with her if you wanted!"

What a bitch!

Oh, yes, it's finish the sentence Friday!   I had been slightly detracted, thinking about Milla.   Sweet Milla!   Such a lean, mean, fighting machine that looks so good in spandex and latex.  I mean, there's really not that many ladies that look good holding a gun!  But with Milla, it looks so natural.

Finish the Sentence Friday, Rich ... Finish the Sentence Friday ....

This week, the zookeepers are again:

Janine from Janine's Confessions of a Mommyholic

Kate From Kate's Can I Get Another Bottle Of Whine

Stephanie from Stephanie's Mommy For Real

Dawn From Dawn's Disaster

They have put their heads together to come up with another stirring question guaranteed to reach new depths of septic tank sludge in requiring answers from all of those daring enough to participate.  

So, without further ado, let us see the sentence we are supposed to finish .....

If Milla Jovovich were to ask you or your husband out on a ..........

Sorry, wrong sentence.    Here's the real one:

“When it comes to reality TV shows, I…”

So, here I go...

When it comes to reality TV shows, I could make the journeys through them with Milla Jovovich by my side.

Together, we could use the method of body warming body as we traveled the frozen North in the land of Ice Road Truckers!  I'm sure we'd be in constant danger of melting the ice over which we drove our eighteen wheeler, yet, the crackling of the ice would only heighten the intensity of the drama shown on the screen.

Milla and I could show up the Gator Boys and catch a 20 foot gator by simply mesmerizing it with her beauty as I slipped up behind it and taped its jaws shut.  Then, together, we'd laugh and laugh as it wore itself out thrashing its tail around in anger at not being able to taste her flesh.

We'd travel to Texas and show the Rattlesnake Republic how to draw out the snakes by simply having Milla sing lightly as she trod through snake country.  Like the Pied Piper, she'd lead them to the boxes I'd prepared, into which they'd crawl to simply cool off from the heat she projected.

To the Amazon Jungle we'd go next.  The boys from Alabama, looking for gold, would find a new meaning to the title "Bamazon" upon seeing her in the tiny jungle garb she chose to wear.  So enthralled they'd be that they would never see me slipping all the gold they'd collected into my own backpack.  By the time they stopped thinking of the image of Milla, we'd be far away and safely enjoying the profits of the trip along the beaches of Rio!

Together, her and I could travel to Vegas and visit the Pawn Stars shop.  There, I'd wager with Chumley as to his ability to get Milla to go on a date with him.  After he lost, I'd take the Picasso and the two man helicopter and Milla and I would fly to the land of Anthony Boudain's five star restaurant selections in New York City!  Among the lights, we'd dine on the finest of delicacies, ending of course, with the one strand of spaghetti that drew our lips together.   (Remember the Lady And The Tramp?)

However, as with all reality TV shows, seasons end and shows are cancelled.  I'd finally remember that I was married and have to give up my dreams of Milla being forever in my life.  She, of course, would be completely heartbroken, and sue me for a nominal sum on the People's Court.  As a penalty for my discretion's, I'd be sent, along with eight high school kids, to a session of Scared Straight, where prison occupants would threaten to maim, injure, and even kill me if they ever saw me again.  

When it was over, my wife would come and pick me up, and tell me she'd scheduled appearances on both the Dr. Phil show and Jerry Springer to see if help was available for what I'd done.  Before I could appear, the stress would get to me, I'd have a fatal heart attack, and Ghost Hunters would come to Kentucky to spend the night in my house talking to my spirit.  They'd record an unknown voice, that when presented to my wife the next day, would draw screams of anger, as she listened to it say,

"Milla ... Milla ... Milla ...   You're one hot lady!"

Now, I'm getting back to watching the movie!   

Thank God for Blue Rays!!!

Gabriela Speaks .... Again!

Hey Ladies!   It's Me, Gabriela!
Can we talk?

Okay, Rich is tired and worn out.  He's worked seven days straight and still has one to go before he gets a day off!  

At least, that's what he's telling me to say.  Actually, he's watching a basketball game.  Yeah, he's an ass at times!  Whenever college basketball season comes around, Faletame tells me Rich forgets about everything else and cements his big butt in front of his 50" television.  

I've never actually written a blog before.  Oh, I had that "Demon Cat" series that Rich has attached to his blog above, but that's in the past.  Besides, I might have pulled his leg a little on that one.  Tee hee hee!   Rich is so damn gullible at times!

So, I'm here ... and I know that most of you write "Mommy Blogs!"  Well guess what?  

I'm a mommy!!!!

So, I'm gonna fit right in here.  And Janine, you've got nothing on me, girl.  You want to complain all the time about not being able to crap in peace with only two young ones.  Hell, I had six of them clinging to my nipples at one time!   You want to talk about trying to take a crap in peace!  Girl, only having two of them young furry pests hanging around would have been a dream!

And ladies, I didn't even have a man around to help me!  No, he got his jollies off and then left!  No good bastard!   Left me before I'd even had a chance to enjoy it!   At least, I think he was the one.  When we cats go into heat, who keeps track!   It's what we like to call a real "block party!"  You all should try it some time!

But, there I was.  Before you knew it, I was bloated up like a dead armadillo in the middle of the road.  I waddled around the neighborhood, trying to find someone to take pity on me and give me a place to live.  Damn humans, sometimes they're so superstitious about black cats anyway!  Racist pigs!

Well, I found this old woodshed behind a house and set up housekeeping.  I could grab a mouse every now and then, but water was a little hard to come by.  No, I didn't get to enjoy all the pickles and ice cream and bananas and peanut butter you guys stuffed yourself on during your pregnancy periods!   I was lucky to find a mouse that hadn't eaten half a box of D-Con!  Girls, you don't know what rough is!

One morning, out they came!  

Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop!   

Yep, half a dozen ... one after the other.  Just imagine giving birth to six at once!   And you think you were sore!  It was like someone had given me a 64 oz. Big Gulp douche with matso balls!  

I rested about two hours, and then I had to find something to eat.  I was famished!  I finally found a garbage can with some halfway decent spaghetti and meatballs in one of them white containers I see you humans carry food in.  

I knew I had to get back immediately to the shed.  I'd set up a bed on some old rags, but I knew the kittens would be scooting around.  And they had!  I had to pick two of them up and set them down with the rest, and then make sure I didn't lay on them as I tried to keep them warm.

The next day, this young girl opened the door of the shed and found me in a very precarious position.  They had all just started feeding time, so none of them was even thinking about letting go.  I couldn't do anything but lay there and hope that she didn't decide to hurt any of us.  

Surprisingly, she left, but came back a few minutes later with a big box.  I'd heard stories about cats being either bagged up or boxed up and tossed in the river, but I just couldn't leave my kids alone.  One by one, she gently picked them up and set them in the box.  Finally, she grabbed me and put me in there, too!  

Would you believe there was a real blanket in the bottom for us all to rest on?   

The next thing I know the lid's on and we're all being carried somewhere.  When she opened it up, I hopped out to find a fenced in patio awaiting all of us.   It wasn't God's country, and was kind of cold at times, but it was better than the woodshed in that she supplied me with water and food most of the time.   

Well, the weeks went on and on, and that patio began to seem like a prison.  Besides that, my six kids were growing so fast!   Always underfoot, always wanting to eat (Breast feeding sucks ... literally!), always wanting something.  God!  If I could’ve just had some peace and quiet.  

Then, one day, my prison keeper puts me in a box and takes me in her car to this real house of horrors.

Damn bitch had my tubes tied!   I had four feet walking pigeon toed!

So, the next day I get back to the house, and half my kids are gone!   Not only am I sore as hell from the operation, but my kids are missing.  Where the hell are my kids???    

Before I can figure it out, the doorbell rings and here comes a couple looking at the remaining three!  They took two of them!  Didn't matter what I said or thought, she just picked them right up and gave them to the couple!   

You might say I was somewhat pissed!

Rich, just tell her I've got a headache!
Just had to get me fixed, didn't you!!!???

The next day found another person coming and taking my remaining kitten.   Still sore, my kids all taken by Child Services and put into foster homes, and I'm stuck on this damn fenced in patio!   Boy, my life had sure gone to Hell in a hand basket!   

So, I'm a little depressed, you might say, and that's when Rich and his wife showed up.  Well, they both seemed nice enough, but I sure wasn't in the mood to be talked to or petted.  In fact, I was pretty damn fed up with life!

Next thing you know, I'm getting put into some sort of cage and taken to their house.  First damn thing I see is this good lookin' male cat named Faletame.   But, this guy's also been to the house of horrors and so he can't do anything even if I wanted him to!   Just what I wanted ... a life of abstinence.  

At least y’all get some when the kids go to bed!   

Anyway, that's my story.  I don’t imagine Rich will let me write here again.  This will probably be the only “Mommy Blog” you’ll see on his site.  Oh, he can be a real Mother _____ at times, but he’s no “mommy”, that’s for sure.  

It’s been real.  You all take care, and when you think you’ve had it bad, just think about me, living with a eunuch that thinks he’s a stud, and a couple of humans that are helping me to get fat!

By the way, how is that ice cream with pickles, anyway?

©Copyright RCRUMPLE2013. All Rights Reserved

The Vacation Is Nearly Over!

The dream is over!


Some may call it an emotional roller coaster.  A few might call it justification.  Others may wrongly call it laziness.

Whatever one calls it, the end has occurred.

Eleven and a half months of existing at home, writing hubs and blogs, commenting on many others, and living the life of a writer will cease tomorrow.  That is when I re-enter the everyday drudgery of going back to work at a normal job.

No, I'm not going to state what I'm going to be doing.  Let me say instead that for months I've tried extremely hard to find something more normal that was closer to home with the standard 40 hour work week schedule.  If I'd have accepted the standard $10 per hour rate most of them pay, I could have been back at work months ago.

Yet, I stood my ground and held out for something worthwhile, income wise that is.  So now, it's back to 60 hour work weeks and headaches!

Can you say, "Beat Me!  Beat Me!"

I look back, not with regret, but with understanding having learned much.  Here is a list of some of the things this education has brought:

1)  Hubpages.com needs to be ashamed of itself!  Although the egos that rule haven't figured it out yet, by coming up with a system that hides work that they presented Hubnugget (Rising Star's) Awards to prior, they are saying they didn't, and still don't have the ability to recognize quality work from trash.  

Oops!

Can you say, "Gee George!  Duh, we really are stupid and don't know what we're doing!   Do we?"

2)  Writing needs to be fun!   I am not, don't want to be, nor will I ever become a technical writer.  True, I've written several training manuals in the past that are still being used today.  However, to take an item from an employer and try to make it seem interesting is not my cup of tea.  I commend all that can do it, but I'm not willing to go that route.  

Blogging has been fun, and will continue to be, although my time will be less available.  I fear that by being limited by this time factor, I may lose some views, as I will not be able to visit many on a constant basis.  In fact, I'm sure that will happen as blogging seems to be a "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" type of affair to a point.

The only answer I can provide is that I will continue to attempt in writing quality, over quantity, in hopes that the content will be a draw for some.  

"Okay Rich, you know better!  Better start including your own views in your count totals to keep from getting depressed!  As Pink Floyd once wrote in their lyrics, 

"Is there anybody out there!"

3)  Sweat pants and tops are the most comfortable work uniform!   This should go without saying.  No restrictions, pure softness touching the skin, and great flexibility!   

(Kind of sounds like a Trojans commercial, doesn't it!)

Why the world continues to relish in torturing its population by requiring them to wear neck ties, belts, and hard, leather shoes is beyond all sanity.  I can envision a world where designer sweats are available for those evenings out on the town.  Chiffon and lace sweats for the ladies that wish to be a little more dressed up than when around the house.  See through sweats for those who wish to tempt.  No shrink sweats for those who wish to hide unwanted pounds.  And Rock Star sweats with super tight crotches for those who wish to dream!

I love wearing sweats!  

(And "NO", damn it, I've never worn them to Wal-Mart!)

4)  Man can survive on Dollar Tree Salami and Cheese!    Seriously, if you're looking for a cheap lunch, go to your local Dollar Tree and pick up a package of their salami and one of their Swiss or Jalapeno cheese.  Take two slices of wheat bread, two slices of salami, and one slice of cheese and make a fantastic variation of a grilled cheese sandwich!  In fact, if you want to make it even better, take the two slices of salami and cook them first, to get some of the fat out of them.  

Follow it up with some Dollar Tree Raspberry Sherbet, and you've got a meal fit for anyone living on unemployment checks!  Yum! Yum! Happy! Happy!

5)  True Friends are forever!   In my life, I've been acquainted with many people.  Yet, I've kept my circle of close friends very tiny.  This was done because I have been prone to moving often in my life, and because I've been stabbed in the back by those I trusted more often than not (especially workplace friends).  

I've met many great people both on Hubpages and in blogging.  Many have great talents they have yet to imagine.  Some have already gotten ticked off at me for one thing or another along this writing journey.  Yet, they found I did none of the expected "vengeance" actions, and welcomed them back into my friendship circle as if they'd never left.

I know, I'm a glutton for punishment!  Or, if you wish, a real sucker!  

But, isn't that what friends are for?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

More has been told about me by my writings than I normally let out of the cage.  Some look at it as just an idiot speaking out of his ass.  Others see it as an attempt to bring a smile and lighten the heavy load life presents to all at times.  And, some see it as an extension of my hand in a loyal friendship.

However you see it, remember that my goal has always been to amuse, either through extreme sarcasm of experience or irony of events.  A few times, the heaviness of life almost seemed to put the humor in the backseat, for which I apologize.  

But, then again, we all do it, go through it, and tend to write it, from time to time.  We're all human, and in being that, allow our frustrations to enter our efforts.  It is never intentional, and sometimes we need a good kick in the ass to get us out of our funk, after which, we recognize our embarrassments.  

You have two choices: publish or delete.  Put it out for all to read and judge, or delete it and try again.  Sometimes, the wrong choice is made.  Sometimes, the right choice is made.

Just like in real life!   

See You Soon!

Deja Vu: It's "Finish the Sentence Friday" again! Happy, Happy!

My pride and joy captured.  Five feet in length
and an attitude that wouldn't quit!

I'm bouncing for joy!

It's my favorite time of the week.  Finish the Sentence Friday has returned for an encore!

(Kind of like the slasher movies of the 80's.)

This week, the SM's   (Sentence Masters) Janine of Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic   http://www.janinehuldie.com/ and Kate of Can I Get Another Glass of Whine  http://www.canigetanotherbottleofwhine.com/ have set us up with another winner sentence to finish!

(Yawn!)

This week, it's: 

  "“The last time I went on vacation, I…”

So now, the task must be undertaken.  Pure excitement at every turn follows.  Fail not to see the drama, the intensity, the humor, the ...... , well, since you can't hear my voice the hype doesn't matter.  Anyway, here goes the answer.

"The last time I went on vacation, I captured four Western Diamondback rattlesnakes and four Green Mojave rattlesnakes, and nearly fell asleep at the wheel driving them back."

Do you want more?  If so continue.  If not, simply go down to the comments area and cut and paste the words, "Gee, I can't believe you did that.  Whatta trip!  You're the bravest person I know!"  and be done with it.  However, if you want more, and believe yourself to be a true glutton of punishment, here it is.

Spider Rock in the Canyon de Chelly
(looking down from canyon rim)

In 2001 (I know it was a long time ago, but I don't get vacations often, damn it!), I was going to be part of a group from a local reptile zoo to go to Arizona and hunt the Green Mojave Rattlesnake.  No, we weren't going to kill them!  We were going to bring them back for venom extractions.  

Okay, short answer to your question ... the Green Mojave is mostly a neurotoxic venom rattler, more so than any other rattlesnake in the U.S., as most of them are hemotoxic.  Since the venom was needed for research against Alzheimer's disease, and since that was a primary purpose of the reptile zoo, it only made sense we go find some.

Long story short ... director of zoo gets bitten by cobra prior to trip and all drop out except me.  

So, I jump in my RAV4 (at the time) and head to Arizona by myself.  I'd met a guy on the web from a herp society in the state, and was to meet him in Sierra Vista.  

I made it as far as Shamrock, Texas by the end of the first day, was warned against eating Texas burritos at a Truck Stop, did so anyway, and slept on a full stomach.   I arose early the next morning, showered, and hit the road.

An hour later, the burrito warnings held true.  Let me just say that there are not enough stalls in the very few rest stops along I-40 in Texas.  Sitting tall in the saddle now has new meaning.

I hit Arizona by early afternoon, and headed North to see some of the sights.  I stopped at the Hopi Indian Reservation and bought my wife some jade and silver jewelry, hit a couple of roadside tents and bought some Indian blankets, and then arrived at the Canyon de Chelly, where I marveled at the canyon and Spider Rock formations.  

Monument Valley from a distance.

Wore out, I drove 80 miles to a hotel, found it full, and had to drive another 50 miles to find another.  It was a lousy concrete building type with tile floors, but it worked for the evening.

Next day I got up, and visited Monument Valley.  This is where all the great rock formations you see in Westerns and on multiple commercials are found.  I drove my RAV4 around the 18 mile dirt road through the park, stopping every five minutes to take pictures, and finally left a couple of hours later ... only to find my RAV4 wasn't running right.  

Because of this, and the lateness of the afternoon, I bypassed the Grand Canyon.  Stupid, stupid, stupid! But, you have to understand, by this time I was about "rocked" out.  Last thing I wanted to see at that time were more rocks.  Yep, I still regret missing it.

Anyway, I hit Flagstaff, found an open auto parts store, and bought and installed a clean air filter not filled with dust and dirt from Monument Valley.  

To give you and idea as to how big this place is,
this is a boulder at the bottom of one next to my car.

I hit Phoenix about nine p.m., got lost getting off the Interstate, and ended up in an area of hopping cars, red and blue head scarves, and no English speaking residents.  I finally found my way back on the interstate and ended up in Tuscon, getting a hotel room, and sitting in the back of the hotel with two Hispanics who were kind enough to share a beer with me and seem interested in why the hell I was wanting to capture rattlesnakes.

I get to Sierra Vista the next day, get settled in a hotel room, and call my acquaintance.  After meeting him, I asked him to take me to an authentic restaurant for a great meal and I'd pay for it.  Wasn't a bad pizza, I must say, but wasn't really what I'd had in mind.

Driving around Bisbee, we spied two large rattlers on the side of the road.  I found one of them dead, but the other quite alive.  Adrenaline was flowing as I desperately tried to keep it out of the scrub brush on the outside of the road.  Suddenly, brakes were squealing behind me!

"What are you doing!"

My friend was about 100 yards up the road listening to music in my air conditioned RAV4 with his back to me.  That made it fairly difficult for him to answer for me.

"I said what are you doing!"

Again, a curiosity seeker that didn't know I was fighting with death about three feet away.  I'm desperately struggling to use my hook and grab stick to untangle the snake as it's tail finds some brush and starts to wrap around it.

"Turn around immediately and answer me or I'll shoot!"

Myself and Patrick moving some of the smaller
specimens to different travel containers.

Damn, the snake was now really getting in the brush deep.  I couldn't even see it's head, which is not a good thing, to say the least.  So, I take two steps backwards, raise my tools high so they can be seen easily, turn slowly and say, "I'm hunting illegal aliens.  What the hell do you think I'm doing with a snake hook, anyway?"

It turned out to be Border Patrol agents.  After checking my license, they wished me good luck and told me not to worry about limits.  "Take all you want" were their final words before getting back into their van and taking off in a cloud of desert dust.

"Can you say, "Entrapment" boys and girls?"

We finally caught five of them that night.  When stopped at a Border Patrol security point, I offered to open the container to show the officers, but they decided against it.  

Now I know how to smuggle dope if I ever decide to!

The next day, I traveled to Tombstone, watched a couple of wild west shows (including the Gunfight at the OK Corral), bought a cowboy hat, got completely sunburned to a crisp, and had a great time.  That night, we found another three, which maxed out my limits.

Gunfight at the OK Corral in Tombstone.

To go into detail about the Mapquest 40 hour trip home would be boring.  Let me just say that hotels will not let you stay in them when you have rattlesnakes, and sleeping in a RAV4 during a heatwave is impossible.  I made it from Sierra Vista to just East of Nashville, Tennessee, before I started to lose my depth perception and found cars getting closer to my front bumper real fast.  

I pulled over, slept for 20 minutes, awoke in a pool of sweat, and drove the 4 remaining hours the rest of the way home.  I had driven the 40 hour straight trip in 42 hours, by myself, stopping only to eat, visit the rest stop, and to have a quick nap.  

Smaller specimens between 24" to 32" in length.

That night, I brought the snakes into the house, where my wife dreamed that one bit her on the toe and she died before getting to the hospital.

See, aren't you sorry you asked?   

Next week, remember, "cut and paste, cut and paste!"

Happy, Happy!