Depressed? Then Stop By And Cry With Ten Things Of Thankful!!!

Did you ever get so pissed off at the world that you didn't care if you lived or died?

Have you ever felt like God's whipping boy ... continuously taking lashes for every bad thing that ever happened?

Remember the time that no matter how hard you tried to be positive, everything turned out to be a negative that was thrown in your face?

Did you ever find yourself in a losing situation with nowhere to go but deeper and deeper into the mire?

Was there ever a time in your life where the good times out weighed the bad and you thought they'd never end?

When was the last time you were able to take a few minutes to appreciate what you had instead of being pressured for more of what you didn't?

Did you ever gaze into a mirror wondering why some people had all the luck and you had none?

Have you ever wondered how some people constantly hit the winning numbers on scratch off tickets and daily Pick Three lotteries?

What new excuse did you come up with to tell the bill collectors when your car payment was due and your money wasn't enough?

Do you remember what it was to have been a big fish at one time, only to find yourself ashore suffocating without water now?

Did you ever want to spend time with the kids you didn't have time to spend with when they were young ... and still don't?

Sound like the opening to a 

depression medicine commercial?

Sound like an elderly person looking at their life 

and living in regret?

Sound like a television news psychologist making excuses

 for someone going ballistic and using a toy gun 

to fake out police officers in hopes of committing suicide?

Sound like your life?

Let's see if this can take your mind off of things for a while.

 Forget your troubles, grab a cup of tea, and read on to this week's edition of 

TEN THINGS OF THANKFUL!!!

See ALL TTOT Posts HERE!!!!

This Week, I'm Thankful For ...

1)  ... a Masonic Temple massacre has been averted.  Samy Mohamed Hamzeh was arrested by the FBI this week on illegal weapons charges as a plan to use machine guns to kill at least thirty people in a Milwaukee Masonic Temple was thwarted.  In his report, he stated that his group was Muslim and that it would be an act that if the hit had been executed, it would have been known all over the world.  It was to be in defense of Islam.

I've had many Muslim friends over the years, especially during my time in the 

Middle East.  This is obviously an extremist that is not indicative of those

 I knew, or the millions like them.  However, the ideas expressed by

 this individual included that he, and those like him, 

were fighting on the front lines of a war.  

People, the war has come to America.  Stop being naive and think otherwise.  

For decades, we have watched bombings and daily terrorist activities take

 place overseas.  True, we had our own experience on 9/11 and a few more 

since then.  If you don't believe in a religion or God, you are as much a target

 as the Christians that do.  You are the "devil" in the eyes of an extremist.  

So, if a person comes up to you on the street and asks you where to purchase 

machine guns and bombs, please use discretion in giving them directions.

2) ... Argentina is facing the worst plague of locusts in fifty years.  Over 1.7 million acres in northern Argentina is covered by the insects.  In hopes of stopping the plague, officials are fumigating the young insects.

I guess age does have its benefits!

In a special ad campaign, chocolate covered grasshoppers are now on sale at your favorite specialty store.  However, remember, though the insects can be tasty, chocolate may add inches to your waistline!

3)  ... those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it.  A San Diego Televangelist, Morris Cerullo, wants to build a Christian themed resort in Mission Valley.  Designs for this include over 120 timeshare suites, a biblical museum, a 20 feet high version of the Wailing Wall, a dome theater, and some catacombs.

It's a shame Jim Bakker's Heritage USA has been sold and developed. 

Maybe Cerullo could perform the park's first exorcism on the remaining

property by getting rid of the ghost of Tammy!

4)  ... a new study on coffee, tea and chocolate that proves it safe!  The University of California San Francisco states that heart palpitations, heart fluttering, or other heart maladies.  Researchers say it's time for doctors to "lighten up" on their stand against these drinks.

In a related story, several energy drink companies have fired their 

public relations firms for not foreseeing the coffee findings.  

"Damn" said one CEO, 

"Just as we were replacing java as the morning drink of choice!"

5)  ... Zika Virus may be transmitted by sex!  Yep, here's another virus for you.  The Zika Virus, which can cause brain defects and paralysis in babies, has been shown to have possibly been transmitted by sex.  

Okay, here's the typical joke, 

"Damn, what are babies doing having sex?"

Done laughing, yet?

Okay, so, if it is transmitted that way, I'm safe.  

So is my wife.

That's what 36 years of marriage does for you

Anyone want to add the element of danger to their life?

Please?

6)  ... Puerto Rico confirms eighteen new cases of the Zika Virus.

Someone's having sex.

San Juan, here I come!

7)  ... President Obama will be proposing plans to aid (?) Americans in saving for retirement.  These plans include automatically enrolling all workers in I.R.A.'s and making it easier to keep their savings when changing jobs, regardless of their income level.  

Okay, for those of you that love the President, this will make you mad, as

 I simply consider him another politician like all the rest (regardless of party)

 making money for big business.  Think about this ... how much money 

has insurance companies gained in new premiums paid now that 

health insurance is mandatory in the United States.  

So, after filling the pockets of the insurance companies, 

why not do the same for the banks? 

 Automatic means "mandatory" in Washington.  So, regardless of how little 

you're being paid, a chunk of your paycheck will go to the banks, of which 

will be more than happy to take out their maintenance fees.  You may

 not have a home to live in, nor be able to pay either the premiums for

 the health insurance you're required to have (or the fines for not having it), 

but you'll be forced to put money into an I.R.A.

So, if you want something special, you'd better do it now

while you can still afford to do so.

I'm going to San Juan!  

8) .. the snowstorm that covered the Midwest and Eastern United States this last weekend. Snowfall was between 5 to 40 inches in various places, and is basically mostly gone by now.  Ho-hum. 

 Nothing like a little snow to bring families together to drink milk and eat bread.

(If you don't get this you didn't read last week's TTOT post.  Your fault!)

9) ... Whole Foods has recalled 74,000 pounds of store brand frozen pizza.  No, there's no illness to fear.  However, the "uncured beef pepperoni" on the label is really "pork".  Whole foods blamed the mistake on a change of suppliers (that couldn't friggin' read English and tell the difference between "Uncured Beef Pepperoni" and "Pork").

So, if you're a Muslim, or any other group that doesn't eat pork 

(the other white meat), then you'll probably be ticked off.   

Just beware of a man named Samy that is looking to purchase 

machine guns and bombs in front of your local "Whole Foods" grocery.

10)  ... Oregon has been chosen for the third year in a row to be the most popular state in the United States to move to.  South Carolina came in second.  In contrast, New Jersey has had more people move out of the state, followed by New York.  

Okay, since this has happened in Oregon, housing prices have increased

 11% from the same time last year.  Otherwise, I can only guess that the moves 

are an effort to negate the strong conservative vote in South Carolina, and 

other areas of the Deep South by saturating them with the liberals 

from the Northeast.  After all, it is an election year.

But ... I'm still going to San Juan!

See ya next week!

Ciao!

And SMILE!!!!

**Btw, your comments are always appreciated!

How To Rid Yourself Of Unwanted Children

"It's my job to ruin your life.
That's why I was born!"

***Disclaimer:
   This blog article in NO WAY is to be taken as a directional guide, nor have any of it's suggestions utilized by anyone of sound or unsound mind.  Of course, to take these suggestions under consideration only indicates that you are of unsound mind, and need to seek immediate mental health assistance from a qualified professional psychiatrist, known crudely as a"head shrinker".  This, in NO WAY means for you to seek out adventure and journey to the deep, dark depths of the most hidden jungle to find someone to shrink your head.  That is a lost art. Even though your brain may still easily fit within the shrunken skull, you would find many using it as either a designer hat rack or a horseshoe tossing post.  

The author takes absolutely 

NO RESPONSIBILITY 

should you use any of these ideas.  

   Please, use this blog offering only as it is intended ... to laugh, shake your head in disbelief of how far over the line it travels, analyze your actions and see if they could be misconstrued as applicable to this topic, and to waste valuable time in which you could be writing your own blog!  The management sincerely thanks you for your understanding, and reminds you to not stick unwanted used pieces of chewing gum to the chair bottom when you are finished. ***

* * * * * * * * * * * *

So, things didn't work out the way you planned, did they?  

"Damn right I'm gonna cry!
Give me your boob 
and I'll shut up!"

Well, you got pregnant when you were only thirteen, and now that you're fifteen. you're tired of having to deal with a crying one year old that a sock in the mouth won't shut up!   How can you plan to go out on dates and enjoy your childhood when you've got to deal with a screaming, whining baby every night?   Geesh, the damn thing doesn't even care if you get your beauty sleep or not!!  Plus, your mother is saying, "You deal with it!  I had to deal with you!"    She's no help at all!

Or, you married your teenage sweetheart, who turned out to be the ass your parents told you he was.  Just had to have a couple of kids to try to keep the marriage together, didn't you?  Well, now, he's gone and the little boogers are crimping your dating life!  Hell, they even caused you to break a nail and drop one of your earphones in a pile of greenish brown crap while changing diapers yesterday!   That's going just TOO FAR!!!


Maybe you decided that you wanted bigger boobs.  So, instead of paying the $5000 for an operation, you decided to go the Redneck route to boob enlargement and found that getting pregnant was a natural way to increase their size.  You just didn't realize that along with the size came a 10 pound infant that wanted to be permanently attached to them.  Now, you have no room for your boyfriend to munch, and when he does, he's getting more than what he bargained for!  Plus, your hips have separated and you're now as wide as an eighteen wheeler!

So, what do you do?

Get rid of them!   It's simple and it's easy!   All you have to do is to follow the program and before you know it, you'll be free of stinking, dirty diapers, sniffling noses that never stop running, and nights filled with howls and screeches from Hell!!  

Here's the way to financial and personal freedom and a much happier life!

Fun time!
Excuses 'R Us!!!

First things first!  Go to the best prescription providing physician (the one you always visited for legally  controlled drugs before you gave birth) and get prescriptions for depression, severe pain, and four hour erections.  

The depression and pain pills will give you a valid excuse for misplacing or losing your kid(s) should a court appearance be necessary.  At worst, if found guilty, you can sue the drug companies and have a nice nest egg to enjoy upon your release.  

The four hour erection pills are to strictly demonstrate the doctor was a complete quack, to help you with your defense, again, should you end up in court.  (After the case is closed, just give them to your single uncle to enjoy.)

Next, if you're still in high school, quit immediately after beginning to take the pills.  This will demonstrate a chemical imbalance that created a mental disorder that brought on a lack of responsible attitude (as if you ever had one to begin with).  This will usually allow for a certain amount of "pity" votes from the jury, again, should you end up in court.

Now, all you have to do is to is plan on a way to dispose of the millstones around your neck.  Drowning in a bathtub and/or sending them into a lake in a running car has already been tried with prison as a result.  Also, stay away from dumpsters and garbage cans as courtroom juries have no mercy upon those who use them for this purpose.  Remember, there are cameras everywhere these days, so you're going to have to be careful.  It is of the essence to utilize a location that will provide you with the best chance of getting away, as well as the best legal excuse.

Therefore, any of the following steps may work for you on the first attempt, so choose wisely.  To avoid legal problems, you might want to incorporate two or more of these steps into your plan of action.  This will ensure complete success! 

"Thanks for advertising!
Tell all your friends to do the same!
I can sell all you can provide!"

1)  The best way to "lose" the kid(s) is to advertise!  No, damn it, I'm not talking about taking out an ad in the local newspaper.  That costs money you'll need to enjoy life once you're free again!

Instead, advertise on the web!  Facebook provides you an effective forum to display a beautiful catalog of pictures of those of whom you wish to no longer have around.  

Increase your odds of success and present all the perverts of the world with family photos of the darling youngster(s) to drool over. In addition, provide information as to where and when you shop, how you constantly get mad at yourself for leaving them unguarded in shopping carts and unlocked cars, and kindergarten and school names for easy access.  Don't forget to include a full schedule of days and times, and a complete description of your car or van, including the license plate number.

*For Google purposes, be sure to include the following paragraph:*

"I sure hope that nothing happens to my kid(s).  I'm afraid a Black Market Seller, Deranged Kidnapper, or Sexual Pervert will take my kid(s), as I am constantly leaving them unsupervised due to my new found dependency on drugs.  I've even found myself falling to sleep on my sofa at (Home Address) every afternoon with the doors unlocked because of how sleepy they make me.  I'm sure they would be such an Easy Target for such people.  If anything ever happened to the kid(s), I'd be too afraid to contact the authorities for fear they'd imprison me for neglect."

I guarantee this one will work!  Why, just look at all the people doing it on Facebook, as well as in blogs!  They're advertising in hopes of a peaceful return to the life they once loved.  

You Can Too!!!

2)  Hiking trips also provide many excuses to "lose" your children.  "I was lost and put the baby down while it was crying to give me a reference point to which to return after finding the trail back to civilization" will usually provide the authorities with a reason to let you go (especially if you're blonde).  

"Sure I eat in the woods.  I crap there, too!  
If you're gonna blame me,
at least leave me some crumbs for a last meal!"

If you are a redhead or brunette, you can always use, "I thought I was going to be attacked by a wild animal, so I put the baby down to hide it from the jaws of the wild beast!  Then I ran away to draw the beast away!  Then, I couldn't remember where I'd left it!"  

You may even be looked at as a hero as hunters go on a shooting spree and kill lions and tigers and bears, oh my!   

If you have black hair, simply start speaking broken English  (Bambino?  Mi?  Non Com-pren-di?), enjoy a free trip to Mexico via The Department of Immigration, partake of some authentic Mexican tacos, and have your mother send you your driver's license so you can come back legally to a life you desire! 

If you've shaved your head, simply tell the authorities that aliens whisked your baby away after providing you a full anal probe (that you thoroughly enjoyed), and you have no idea what happened next.  You'll spend a couple of months resting, listening to Sinead O'Connor oldies on your I-Pod, and enjoying asylum medications before you'll be free to enjoy life!

"I betcha that one's gonna drop her kid!"
"No, in fact, I'll bet five delicious fingers
 it's the one over there!"

3)  Zoos are another great place to "lose" a child.  There are so many benches where one could rest a few minutes, and then be confused upon waking (because of the drugs ... *see above) that they could completely forget they ever had a child there.  And, with all the racket being made by the elephants and lions and monkeys, it will take hours for the baby to be discovered!  Getaways can be completed without worry!

Also, you can try holding the baby carrier loosely on a cage ledge. This could allow the unsecured infant the opportunity to see the insides of a wild animal up close and personal.  Since you don't care how you get free of your responsibilities, this one might even allow you to be viewed as the grieving mother that reached for a falling bottle and lost the baby as it slid into the pit.  Therefore, you might even find yourself glowing in national news coverage, and provided with name recognition for those future date partners! 

"So, are they good voices,
    or, are they bad voices?"

4)  As a last resort, you could call Child Services and let them have the kids.  Simply state that you are having extremely bad visions of demons ravaging your body endlessly and hearing profane voices whispering in your head.  Also state that you want to play "Kick The Baby" as shown often on South Park!  Even the most ignorant of government employees (easily found) would find it necessary to remove the children from your care.  (Unless they start agreeing that they've been experiencing the same things!)

If you do come upon one that's still too stupid to take the kid(s), add a quick impression of Linda Blair's performance in The Exorcist, by rotating your head around 360 degrees, and puking green pea soup all over their uniform.  If they still don't take the little monster, at least you've had a good time getting them to think about it!

*          *          *          *          *           *          *

See, getting rid of unwanted children really isn't that hard to do!   You just have to have a plan of action, follow a preset course, and be a good actor when pleading with authorities.  Get rid of your unwanted baggage and enjoy the life you truly deserve!

Just remember, your actions are completely valid because ...

You really weren't fit to be a mother in the first place! 

  

In fact, 

You Suck!

*Okay, I realize this post was a little over the line, but folks, we gotta protect the kids.  For other blogs on this topic, please visit the new posts on:

Terrye at The Misadventures of a Misplaced Alaskan
and
Michelle at Muses From The Deep