Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "How To Get Your Neighbor To Go To Walmart For You"

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Have you ever watched the movie The African Queen?

No, it's not about the guy and monkey that started Aids a few decades ago.

The African Queen is a tale of a couple that face tragedy, survive a long and hazardous journey, and find love and devotion to each other.  It stars Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn as a couple that face swarming mosquitoes, numerous wild animals, and a rive filled with dangerous rapids.  

Okay, so why the movie review?  

The African Queen has reminded me how similar the roads are that we travel during our daily lives, unless, of course, you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth.  First, there's going to be decisions to make and adversity to face.  Next, the road to recovery or better living must be traveled.  Finally, you can sit back and relax while enjoying the fruits of your labor.

Almost sounds like a morning dump, doesn't it?  You strain like crazy, make a decision as to when your body says, "All done", and then get on with the rest of the morning. (Unless you've eaten something that totally disagrees with you the night before and then there's many return journeys.  lol)

Maybe, just maybe, you'd like to consider it more like picking the kids up at school.  You fight traffic to get there, wait in what seems to be an endless line of minivans and SUV's, and finally get to scream at the kids to hurry up and close the damn door before the rain soaks the seats.  Ahhh, the enjoyment of being a parent!

It could even be like the physical act of lovemaking to a partner with whom you're stuck with for decades. The only difference here is that the decision is mostly made out of obligation, the road traveled doesn't bring new experiences, and the cigarettes taste the same as they would if you'd never embarked upon the excursion to begin with.  (That make you want to get old, doesn't it?)

I could describe one more comparison with masturbation, but I think you get the point!

See ... "Trial ... Effort ... Success!"  "Beginning ... Middle ... End!"

Or, one might even consider reading this as the same.  You've just endured the beginning.  Now, the middle is coming up.  Some of it will be easy.  Some of it won't be easy.

This has been the toughest part for me.  Of course, I haven't written the rest yet, so who really knows what the toughest part will end up being.  As in life, we can only judge the degree of the difficulty from those we've already experienced.  That's why perceptions can be so deceiving and completely screw up endings.

Perhaps discussing masturbation would be more fun.   Hmmm ...

Yet, if a person was bold enough to write a Ten Things Of Thankful post about the experience of masturbation, they might either be asked to never come back, or, perhaps, to lead an instructional course on the topic.  

That could be the start!  The middle could be what you make it!  And, the end, well, the end could be messy.  

So, let me swallow my pride and continue onward to the middle, better known as:

"Today, I'm Thankful For These Ten Things ..."

1)  CVS Pharmacy.  This pharmacy chain is making a big deal about doing away with cigarettes in their inventory.  In their recent television commercial blitz, they state they're doing it for health reasons.  What a bunch of El Toro defecation!!!  Let's tell it like it is.  CVS found that with their high costs for tobacco products, people were buying them elsewhere.  Of course, that's not surprising as CVS is one of the most expensive pharmacy chains in the United States today.  If this chain was so health conscious, they'd stop increasing the size of their liquor department (which is responsible for more "Caused and related deaths" than tobacco annually), provide proper security for their store employees (since they're dealing with more and more robberies ... common to liquor stores), and stop making claims that only show them for the liars they are.  In fact, they even keep the stores open after the pharmacy closes just to dip deeper into the alcohol sales market.  Sorry, CVS, you're not even good at covering up.  Time to hire a new marketing department!  Oh, that's right, they now work for Cosco, don't they?

2)  Ray Rice & wife, Janay.  Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, was shown in a video (released this week) practicing his boxing skills on his wife's chin.  Bad thing was they weren't in a boxing ring.  Instead, this took place in an elevator that just happened to have a security camera filming the incident.  

The NFL immediately suspended Rice indefinitely because of this.  

Now, his wife is condemning the NFL's actions and saying that the press was the reason for everything happening.  Let's see, a couple of good punches, a knockout, and a count beyond ten was all the fault of the press.  C'mon, folks, you can do better than that!  Sounds like she was more than happy to divorce his ass as long as he was working and could supply a huge meal ticket. However, since there's no longer any money coming in, she's coming to her "non-senses" and talking about what a beautiful relationship they have.  

So, shed the "Professional Football Player and wife" category and enter 

the "Wife Beater and Money Grubbing Bitch" spotlight!!!  

Isn't love beautiful?

"And for my next song, here's
one I wrote last night."
"You're not much, Bubba, but
you're better than batteries!"

3)  Taylor Swift.  Would you believe that Taylor Swift hasn't dated in over a year?  Perhaps it's because everyone's she's ever dated and broke up with has had a nasty song written about them and no one else wants to make the TS Asshole List.  Sounds like she's getting ready to write some new songs based on her recent, multi platinum, one night stands, though. I hear the album title is tottering between "How Swift Is Swift" or ""Nail Taylor Again."  

4)  President O-Bam-Bam-A.  As you know, I don't like politicians, regardless of the party.  But, what makes me sick is when a politician parades around on television like he's the one that thought of everything, when we all know any central political figure is surrounded by many just as politically tainted and common sense ignorant as he.  Anyway, a major element in war is the element of surprise.  Don't let your opponent know what you're going to do and you keep them wondering.  

So, what does our wonderful President do?  Of course, he get's on TV and broadcasts a major statement as to what our plans are (and will be) against Isis!   What does this guy think, that the television broadcast won't be seen or heard by any of the enemy???  No, he didn't give any definitive dates or times, but he did give them a much broader understanding as to what paths we may be traveling.  One might say enough time to develop obstacles for us to have to overcome and cost American fighting men and women their lives.  

Thanks, O-Bam-Bam-A!  Whose side did you say you were on?  Oh yeah, you got that

 procedure out of the "How to Fight a War and Make Corporations Rich" written by our last president, George "When's My Next Vacation" Tush.  'Nuff Said!!!

"Here's my South African
justice, baby!"

5)  South African Justice.  Oscar Pistorius was proclaimed innocent of murder this week, proving once again that if you want to end a relationship without having to deal with a money grubbing gold digger, the easiest way to do so is with a pistol. At least, that's the way he tells it.  Of course, one must be an international figure and have millions of dollars in the bank, but the gifted life can be yours if you so desire.  Funny ... I didn't see any rioting there after the decision was read.  Oh yeah, that only happens in countries where the populace is primarily supported by government assistance and doesn't have to go to work to earn a living.  

6)  Olive Garden Restaurants.  The chain's loss of profits seem to have investor's so worried, they hired an efficiency group to come in and make recommendations.  One of these brilliant observers states that there are too many wasted breadsticks.  The chain's official policy is to only bring out one breadstick at a time, but many of the servers brought more.  With this landmark observation, the firm will be able to save enough to pay the cost of the efficiency group's services by the year 2059.

"There's no damn way I'm going
to lick your face, Rich!"

7)  Dogs That Lick Your Face.  Professor Alexandra Horowitz has proclaimed that the reason dogs lick your face leads back to their "wolf" ancestry.  Seems that wolves lick the faces of other wolves to get them to regurgitate food for the rest of the pack.  So, on that note, one could logically assume that if a dog doesn't lick your face after you eat, you may want to consider what you've been consuming!  "No, honey, I'm not knocking how bad you cook again ... the dogs are!"

8)  Dr. Lawrence Cohen.  Joan River's specialist is no longer performing operations or is the director of the medical facility where she had her final operation.  Seems he had another doctor in the operating room who was not authorized by the facility to be present.  Dr. Cohen was last observed running wild from the facility, with his hands clasped firmly over his ears, as reporters bombarded him with, "Can we talk ... really ... can we talk just a minute?"

9)  The Death Trilogy Hex.  As comedians and singers usually seem to die in groups of three, comedy clubs throughout the country are finding it hard to find comedians willing to claim the title of comedian for fear of being the remaining member of the "Robin Williams / Joan Rivers / ?" grouping.  In a related story, Saturday Night Live will be broadcast at its regular time this weekend, as none of those working there have anything to fear from the hex.

"Welcome to Walmart!  

10)  New Walmart Dress Code.  Employees, at the store no one admits to shopping in, Walmart, are once again having to take much of their earned income to purchase new clothes to conform with the new dress code their corporate headquarters has decided to impose upon them.  Since stores in the United States are only required to pay for uniforms, but not clothes that could be worn elsewhere, Employees are complaining that they would never wear a white or blue polo shirt, or khaki or black slacks anywhere else, and that it should be considered a uniform.  Judging from the usual clothing worn by most Walmart employees, the case is under consideration.  

That's going to do it for another Ten Things of Thankful!  

You've now traveled upon today's version of the African Queen.  As Bogey once said,

"Here's looking at you, kid!"

Ciao!!

*** BTW ... Many "Serious" Thanks to all of you that have written me about how my wife is doing.  It's been a couple of weeks now and even though the physical hurts have mended, the mental still remain somewhat.  It will be a long road, I'm afraid, until all is once again, if ever, well.  Still, there are times I wonder if it didn't affect me just as greatly as vengeance is still a constant mind companion.  She, and I, do appreciate your concerns, well wishes, and prayers.  Again, Many Thanks!

Things Your Parents Told You ... The Damn Liars!

I’m feeling somewhat guilty about posting recently.

Like, that ever bothered me before.

Since deciding to take a vacation from writing, I’ve encountered physical stress of sorts.

My clumsy ass fell (thanks to an unexpected pavement drop off), tore up my ankle ligaments, ripped the membrane between my tibia and fibula, and broke my fibula.

No, regardless of popular opinion, it did not happen as I was kicking my wife’s ass.  I’m the gentle type.

Actually, today is our 34^th wedding anniversary. 

Now you know the real reason I chose to write this tonight.  No, romantic evenings of candlelight, wine, and hot passionate lovemaking are no longer on my agenda.  

Unless, of course, my neighbors happen to leave their curtains open wide enough.

I, also, reached a milestone this week.  Many years ago, I felt as though I would never make it to the age of forty.  My lifestyle, being an adrenaline rush addict, pretty much dictated I wouldn’t be around long enough to see how all my life’s injuries would feel in later years.  Unfortunately, broken bones, tissue damage from venomous reptile bites, and joint stress from continuously overdoing it in various activities now come back and mock my longevity.

Yeah, I hit sixty this week.  What a bummer!

Yeah, won't be long now!

Oh, I’ve had people say things like, “You don’t look like you’re even close to sixty”, “It’s so much better than the alternative of not reaching sixty”, and “Aren’t you happy you’re getting closer to retirement?”

Sometimes people say what they think is so original … and it’s been heard so many times before.  (Shhh … don’t tell them.  It would only hurt their feelings.)

And I really should be thankful for over 70 Internet friends that wished me a Happy Birthday ... driving the knife deeper into the wound.

In fact, I’ve done a lot of reflecting over my past years this week.  Thusly, this week’s Ten Things Of Thankful is going to be about some things that my parents told me as I was growing up … that make no sense to me whatsoever at this time.

So, without further ado, let us proceed by saying …

I’m Thankful For …

1)  No child ever starved to death in China because I didn’t eat everything on my plate.  I can’t prove this, but I feel as though as many lawyers are there are in the world, I would have been summoned by now if this had indeed occurred. 

2)  That I never had an interviewer look at me and say, “In going back to your Permanent Record, I see that you were late getting to school three times in the second grade and four times in the third.  You realize this means you can’t have the job, don’t you?”

Never grew these or any other
vegetables out of my ears!
Did you?

3)  I never had vegetables grow out of my ears because I didn’t properly wash.  There was always a fear of that happening during a basketball game.  I dreaded the possibility of going up for a jump shot and having a cucumber fall out of the side of my head.

4)  I never became a Satin worshipper by playing a record backwards, or by even listening to that demonized rock and roll music.  I did become a heavy fan of Black Sabbath, and later Iron Maiden, but for some reason, I never sacrificed any animal or human during religious ceremonies.  I wonder if I missed out on something there … no, not really.

5)  Smoking never stunted my growth.  I stopped growing any taller before I started smoking.  However, since smoking has become a long time habit, my waist size has grown … well, let’s just say it has grown and leave it at that.  Of course, dependent upon what was being smoked was also a factor here, but, again, let’s just let that be … unless you know where I can find some.  (I lost my source years ago!)

6)  I never did jump in a lake just because one of my friends did.  I jumped off of a river bridge a few times without knowing the depth of the water, and luckily, never found myself in wading depth.  Stupid, but what the hell, we all did stupid things at one time.  Funny thing is, politicians seem to have never grown up and stopped doing them.

Whatdayamean I can't park the
van in the driveway?  Geeesh!

7)  My parents never died of shame because of some of the outfits I wore.  My mother died long before I started experimenting with tie-dyed t-shirts, bell bottoms, sandals, and peace sign medallions, and my father is still alive.  At least I never purchased a leisure suit!

8)  Not everyone feels as though you’re sinning by using profanity.  In fact, when I was performing stand-up comedy, I found that if you didn’t use some profanity, the audiences almost felt cheated.  This happened mostly in the Bible Belt.  It was like these people pretended to be holier than thou Monday through Friday at work, but on Friday and Saturday nights, they’d hit the comedy clubs and laugh their butts off at the smut.  I guess it gave them something to go to church on Sunday mornings and repent for.  So, I’d always test the audiences by starting off clean, and then tossing in a word every now and then to gauge the reactions.  Yep, some people love profanity … it’s a proven fact.  

9)  No, I never did cause anyone to lose their eyesight by flipping paperclips, spitballs, or throwing rocks.  I did shoot out a basement window with a BB Gun once, but I blamed it on a neighbor kid down the road and got away with it.  (Like you never told a lie as a kid!)

10)  Lastly, my face never froze up while making a funny face at someone.  I did get caught making one at a teacher one day (of which they returned a funny face of their own), but my face still has the ability to shift between frowning and smiling, without any frozen parts causing hindrance. 

Now, the jury is still out on masturbation.  True, I did have to start wearing glasses at an early age, but I knew many kids that were like me in that area.  I wonder if they were … hmmmmmm.   Let’s give that one a few more years to decide upon.

Anyway, I know this has been a little different Ten Things Of Thankful for me, but I’ve been ignoring the news as of late.  Seems like no one is learning from their mistakes and history is doing nothing more than repeating itself over and over again.  Maybe next week I'll get back to my standard sarcastic ass fare … we’ll just have to see.

Ciao!


****All photos compliments of
http://all-free-download.com/

Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday ... Beautiful Songs (You May Have Never Heard)

For months, I've been tempted to participate in Jen's Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday.  (Lord knows Jen and others have been on my case about doing it!)  However, I haven't done it because I'm known more for sarcastic comedy than my "musical" side.

However, for those of you that know me, you're aware I have quite a background in the music industry, of sorts, having played in a short lived band in the early 70's (we once opened for REO Speedwagon), as well as having spent many years as a radio disc jockey ... back when you had to pick your own music, create your own show, and develop a character that would draw all the "heads" and serious music lovers to your show.  

Besides all of that, age hasn't decreased my spirit to own every piece of music I can.  My cd collection has passed the 7,000 mark, I still have over 2,000 vinyl albums, and my digital collection is amassed at over 127,000 songs.   One might say I'm a music hoarder of sorts.  But, as I've validated to my wife for years, "Would you rather have me spend my money on music, or drink it away on a six pack a night?"  She agrees, music is a much better choice.

When I saw Jen's post for "Beautiful Music" this week, I knew I had to finally participate.  Why?  Because I think I finally have something to offer those that really like music.  I've selected five of my all time favorites, plus, just for giggles, I've added number six.  These are songs that you may never have heard, but are each haunting and beautiful either in the music they provide or the stories they tell.  I'll try to add some humor along the way, but I really want you to just listen to the songs and their stories if you will.  I don't think you'll be disappointed.

#6  -  "Diamond Mine"  (Blue Rodeo)

If you ever smoked dope, this was the song you wanted to be high to.  If you never smoked dope, you'd still enjoy it if you had the patience to listen.  It starts slow, builds steadily, rocks like a mother in the middle, and brings you back down to catch your breath in the end.  I guess you might call it the perfect masturbation song!

So, get out your ointment, and rub slowly.  Build yourself up as you intensify the speed and concentration.  Let the waves pulsate as you reach the peak, and then, have a cigarette on me!

#5  -  "Why'd You Lie"  (Colin James)

As "Diamond Mine" was released in 1989, so was "Why'd You Lie."  It's a story of someone not being very faithful in a relationship, lying about it, and then trying to explain when caught.  It wasn't based on the Richard Nixon presidency, no matter how similar the story may be.

This song verges on Blues/Rock, while telling you a tale that will curl your hair, even if you've recently waxed.  The guitar licks will drive you insane if you let them, so I have to provide a warning, "This song may drive you crazy if you concentrate solely on the guitar licks."  Okay, you've been warned.  Go sue someone else!

#4  -  "What Am I Living For"  (Mark - Almond)

No, this isn't The Allman Brothers Band as so many have mistakenly thought in the past.  Instead, it's two talented songwriters that knew how to draw people into a tale of misery and woe by providing beautiful melodies and thought provoking lyrics.  Kind of like Frank Zappa in drag!

As we've all questioned ourselves at times, this song brings the full brunt of the seriousness of life, and the ironies of effort.  You cannot but love this song if you're a human being at all.  See, now, if you don't like it, I've got you!  (Don't you hate it when someone does that?)

#3  -  "White Bird"  (It's A Beautiful Day)

Bill Graham owned and operated two of the most well known rock clubs in the late 60's.  These were named the Fillmore East and the Fillmore West.  Rock acts of the "Psychedelic Era" performed almost nightly at these clubs, fine tuning their talents for the full scale concert halls that followed.  These clubs were also small enough to give them a "hometown" feeling of comfort for the artists as well as giving them some "homegrown" feelings before and after playing!  (Damn, watch the seeds, man, they're popping all over the place!)

It's A Beautiful Day was a band fronted by David LaFlame that graced the Fillmores on both coasts.  His female vocalist accompaniment rotated between his wife, girlfriends, ex-wife, girlfriends ... well, you get the picture.  "White Bird" was the group's biggest hit, and still remains a favorite Classic Rock Radio tune of today.  Listen, leave your golden cage, fly away, and if you don't return, remember the good times we almost had!

#2  -  "Moriah"  (Spooky Tooth)

In 1973, Orlando, Florida held a concert at an outdoor baseball park.  On the agenda was an opening group called White Witch (known for their song, "Let's Go Get Stoned"), the headliner was the J. Geils Band (who had just hit the airwaves with their big single, "Give It To Me"), and some unknown group in the middle called Spooky Tooth (which usually occurred when you'd smoked too much, got a bad case of the munchies, and gobbled down popcorn before it had cooked thoroughly).  

Spooky Tooth included an organ/vocalist by the name of Gary Wright.  Yep, Mr. Dreamweaver man himself!  However, don't believe that Gary never knew how to rock and roll.  Spooky Tooth was a kick ass rock band that carried the evening.  "Cotton Growing Man" was a favorite song of mine for decades, but this song, "Moriah" was haunting to no end.  One might even call it somewhat mystical in nature.  Give it a shot and you'll see what I mean!

#1  -  "Pretty Princess"  (Loggins & Messina)

Loggins & Messina was one of the few groups I would still pay big money to see today if they were to get back together.  No, Kenny Loggins wasn't always a pop icon shouting the theme from Caddyshack, "I'm Alright."  In fact, some of the best music you'll ever hear came from him and Jimmy Messina (who in no way resembles a groundhog).  

You want some real music?  Listen to the extended versions of "Vahevala", "Angry Eyes", and this one here, "Pretty Princess."  You're going to hear a blend of so many instruments and vocal harmonies, you'll wonder if they didn't overdub it 500 times.  I guarantee it, they sounded this good in concert, if not better.  

This song is about an afternoon affair that a wife has as her husband is away.  Again, slow to start, fast in the middle to a fever level, and then time to catch your breath at the end.  Fingers tired, yet?

***********

So, that's my little contribution to this Mix Tape Tuesday.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Of course, if you didn't scan and really listened to the music, you enjoyed it much better.  

Never thought you'd start smoking again, did you?