Ten... No, Eleven Reasons I'm Not Going To FlogHer ... Er ... BlogHer

Most serious bloggers are taking their tails to BlogHer this week.

That should explain why 

I'm not going.

Plus, I still don't know if guys can go to BlogHer 
or not.

Is there such a thing as BlogHim?

Who knows?
Who cares?

Blog is complete.

Topic over.

Time for a nap.

Goodbye!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What, you want ten reasons?  You've got to be kidding!  Okay, well let's get this over with and give the real Ten reasons that I'm not attending this highlight event of the blogging world.

Support my tons and warm my buns,
you'll always be my tail's delight!

1)  I love my computer chair.  When I learned that the airlines wouldn't allow me to carry it aboard with me, my heart was crushed.  How could I leave my chair, my fall asleep while writing bed, my molded to butt cheeks ass warmer that holds me so close and dear?  What if I returned with all my new found knowledge and someone had broken into my house and stole my precious home of glut solitude?  No, I just couldn't take the chance.

2)  I wanted to save my wife embarrassment.  If I would have attended, my wife would have accompanied me (as supervisor of the ankle bracelet the authorities attached during the early 70's and never removed).  My wife knows nothing about computers.  She can't even get online by herself.  She would have suffered unbound embarrassment listening to speaker after speaker give discussions on subjects she couldn't understand.  Loving her as I do, I couldn't subject her to that kind of experience so late in her life.  "Damn It!  What do you mean you forgot to bring me my Diet Coke?"  

Just remember, you neutered me first!
 I can always return the favor!

3)  My cats threatened me with castration should I leave them for a week.  As I am the one to feed them nightly, they know how important I am to their lives.  To lose me to a possible plane crash or even a BlogHer/Him maniac with a loaded keyboard, would be a terrible loss for them to endure. 

 So, instead of taking a chance, they both approached me last week and made me a promise.  "No matter what you would gain by going, it won't compare to what you'd lose if you don't stay home."  As they've been sharpening their claws and staring at my crotch daily, I've followed their lead and recognized the importance of keeping a family together.  Besides, the real jewels are always kept at home, right?

4)  My guns need cleaning.  Who knows when the country will break out in a civil war, or wild gangs will run wild in the streets.  A person has got to be able to be prepared for the extremes.  So, every now and then I have to take out all my guns and give them a thorough cleaning, just in case the drones and helicopters start flying overhead, again.  Besides, the medicinal crops in the hydroponic grow units in the basement are almost ready to harvest.  A man's gotta protect his investments!

Hope you're not eating right now!
No, they're not mine ... but close!

5)  I have to cut my toenails.  Occasionally, it comes down to either purchasing new socks or cutting toenails.  Having gone a little too long between cuttings, the purchasing of new socks has depleted the funds that were being earmarked for air fare, hotel, and food expenses.  So, I've sharpened the axes, fine tuned the steel files, and rented a jackhammer to attack the masses of toe jam and protein that have built up over the past decade.  It's a rough job, but someone's got to do it.

6)  My wife wants me home to protect her from her own emotions during America's Got Talent.  Howie, Howard, Heidi & Mel are just too much for her to handle by herself as they crush the dreams of contestants vying for the coveted spot of Finalist.  Her tears, smiles, tension filled moments, and relief during the voting moments will have to be supervised by me to protect the neighbors from harm. (Especially with the clean guns now fully ready for action in the house.)

Nothin' like enjoying the wide open spaces!!!

7)  The outhouse needs cleaning.  Damn neighbors had a party the other night and I let three of their family members sleep in it to get outta the rain.  Hell, even made it tough to take a morning leak the next day when I was gettin' ready for work. Damn people didn't clean up after themselves at all, and even let their dogs in to use the facilities.  Unfortunately, none were trained to hit the holes.  Now, every time the wife or I have to go do as nature demands, we're steppin' in dog sh*t.  I'd hoped it would get hard and be easy to sweep out if I let it go a couple of days.  Gonna have to check it out soon and make sure the wife isn't overcome by the smell in the heat of the day.

8)   I have a driving need to watch Titanic for the 30th time.  There's something about seeing a long ship plug deeply and sink straight into a big ocean, right after watching a nude scene with a beautiful woman wearing a solitary jewel, that's kind of sensual.  Now that it's on my mind, I feel a stirring in my soul, as well as my underwear.  "Got the outhouse clean yet, honey?"

9)  I have too many blogs to write!  It's a shame when you can't do something because you're busy doing the same thing that you could be learning about.  But, isn't learning doing?  If you're not doing, then why worry about learning?  But, if you're not learning, could your doing be wrong?  How could doing be wrong if you're learning by doing?  (God, I'm getting dizzy)  I don't because I did, but I don't because I do!  (Scary ...that almost makes sense even to me, lol.)

10)  And, the final reason I'm not going this week is that my belly button needs vacuuming.  There's nothing like a Hoover roaring in the evening as the hose attaches itself to your belly button and draws out the masses of lint that have accumulated over the decades.  You stand there, enjoying the light of day, engrossed in the ecstasy, feeling the vibration of the Hoover suck free the globs of oil soaked threads from your stomach  crater.  And, when you're done, it is truly amazing how many others do the same as soon as they, too, finish washing their cars!

So, if I could go to BlogHer, these would be the reasons that I couldn't go.  And, if BlogHer is strictly for the female gender, then none of these reasons would matter unless I had a sex change operation.  This could also limit my available funding, so I probably wouldn't be able to attend anyway.  Then, I'd be a male in a female body.

Hmmmm, sounds like a winning blog to me!!!

I could entitle it, "A Man In She!"

No, that sounds too much like porn.

Okay, how about, "Rich is Inside"?

No, still porn sounding.

I know, "That's Life ... Sometimes!!!"

(Rich, you shameless self promoting fool! You're a genius!)

Oh, and before I forget ... here's reason eleven!!!!

I have to celebrate 
the birth of the new PRINCE!!!!!!!

Hail to the Prince!
Long Live the Queen!

My Take On Rare Vintage Photos

Survivors from the Titanic being taken aboard the Carpathia
after the fatal sinking.  Cries were heard of,
"God, not another ship!
Where's the damn Boeing 747 when you need it?"

It is often said, 

"Those who fail

 to remember the past 

are doomed to

repeat it!"

In other words,

"Man is so stupid he will do dumb stuff over 

and over,

given the chance!"

We continually prove it! 

It's almost like all of mankind is smoking pot and is having a hard time with short term memory.  

"Wow, man!  Did I eat that whole 50 lb. bag of Oreos?"

I recently received an email that contained a batch of supposed rare vintage photos.  They didn't have any tag lines, nor copyrights included.  So, somebody either found that they were declared as "Creative Commons" due to their age and needed no author/copyright lines, or they simply stole them.

I feel it is my duty to exhibit these photos so the owners can make claim.  I, out of the goodness of my heart, will then add the proper attribution and post it so they may get their just rewards.

And, "NO", Bubba, you've only been around for a few years, so don't say you were there taking these photos with your new digital camera.  

In addition, I'm going to provide my take on the historic photo and the story surrounding it.  

I have gone into absolutely no research in doing so.  This will soon be evident.

If not, please let me introduce you to a great investment counselor, Bernie Madoff!

The famous Anastasia sharing a smoke with her father
Tsar Nicholas II two years before their assassination in 1916.

The above photo is evidence that the Russian Cancer Society was almost as vicious as our American Cancer Society.  After this photo was released to the press in 1916, the RCS decided that it was promotional material for tobacco manufacturers, and not fit to be seen.  So, instead of being assholes and raising a big stink over it, they took their time concocting a plan to get back at the Tsar.  So comes the saying,

"Smoking can be hazardous to your health!"

Amelia Earhart gets her last haircut in 1937.

Amelia wanted to look really good for all the photo sessions that preceded her attempt to fly around the world.  When the results were in, Amelia was heartbroken.  So much so, that when the opportunity presented itself, Amelia crashed her plane and waited upon a South Sea island for her hair to grow out.  Unfortunately, she was found prematurely by a hysterically laughing Japanese Army, and died of embarrassment.  

Children for sale in Chicago in 1948 as poverty stricken families
would rather sell their kids than see them starve.

In 1948, World War II had ended and so had many of the wartime jobs.  Without work, children born during the war (when the fathers were off fighting, hmmmm) found themselves being sold.  Kids had to eat, and parents quickly found out that the expression, "They'll eat you out of house and home" held true.  Parents, instead of seeing their kids starve, sold their kids to the highest bidder.  Hollywood quickly came to the rescue by creating jobs for all the kids in the short features, better known as "The Little Rascals."  This also worked well for want-a-be parents who couldn't stand the thought of changing dirty diapers filled with Gerber Strained Spinach sh*t!

Soldiers comfort each other in the 1950's during the Korean War.

After this photo hit the news stands, it was quickly banned.  Homosexual activity was a no-no during the 1950's, and the U.S. Army was embarrassed beyond belief.  Whenever generals were questioned about it, they'd respond, "Don't ask us and we won't tell you!"  This was picked up by future administrations and shortened to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" philosophy.

Ham the chimp returns from a 16 minute space flight in 1961.

Promised to him as a "brilliant" career move, Ham the chimp volunteered to be the first monkey to travel into space.  Although a dangerous venture, Ham envisioned years of fortune and fame to follow upon his return to Earth.  When his sixteen minute flight ended, Ham found that attention quickly turned to human astronauts, and his efforts were forgotten.  Thusly, the phrase, "15 minutes of fame" was born after some idiot rounded his time to the nearest five minute mark.

The Golden Gate Bridge around 1935

In 1935, marijuana usage ran rampant in the United States.  Although many considered it odd (since Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin wouldn't become popular until the late 1960's) the U.S. Army once again found itself in the middle of controversy.  In charge of building the Golden Gate Bridge, Army Engineers, under the influence of the terrible drug, forgot to build the roadway on which traffic could travel.  When the bridge, promoted as a real treat to those living on the other side of the bay, opened, 752 cars and trucks drove into San Francisco Bay.  Desperate to make San Francisco known for something besides this debacle, Rice-A-Roni was quickly marketed as the new 

"San Francisco Treat!"

Governor George Wallace hosts future presidents George Bush and Bill Clinton
at a barbeque in 1983.

Last, but not least, George Wallace hosted future presidents at a good old Southern Barbeque in 1983, in which variations of Columbian Gold, Panama Red, and Mexican Ragweed marijuana was the prime attraction.  In this photo, Republican George Bush is congratulating Democrat Gov. Wallace on the quality of smoke he presented, while Democrat Bill Clinton, sporting and open mouth and sh*t eating grin, could do nothing more than stare in amazement at the size of Barbara Bush's boobs.  

(Notice Bill has a Diet Pepsi in his hand, obviously empty as the can is partially crushed.  Bush also has a Mountain Dew placed in front of him.  Not quite hidden is the cup of beer, fresh from the tap, that had been pushed away in order to take an alcohol free picture.  Still it made the photograph.  It's my guess the photographer had been sampling the available weed, too!!)

It has been said that a picture speaks a thousand words.  These pictures have spoken to me.  I, in turn, have spoken to you.  I'm not saying my descriptions were accurate, but that is what they said to me.  

You don't think they were pulling my leg, do you?