Ebola Returns, Beer Girls Reign Supreme, and other weird El Toro Defecation

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If you were one of the lucky ones that read my last post, you got to peruse my ramblings concerning Ebola.

If you are one of the unlucky ones today, you'll soon be reading a little more.

Seems that we have now had over 4,000 people in the world die of Ebola.  A special envoy to the United Nations, David NaBarro, has not only stated that the number of Ebola cases are doubling every 3-4 weeks, but has more than hinted at dire consequences for the world's population unless countries work together to end this virus immediately.  

Seriously, this one seems like it could be the one to finally thin out the world's population and get it back to a manageable level.  And, if we're lucky, the stupid will be the one's to go.

Now, please, don't tell me you never wished that you never had to stand behind a person in the grocery or department store line that couldn't understand their credit card was maxed out and still wanted to run it over and over and over, like it was going to magically change in the next two or three minutes.  Duhhhhhhh!

Iffin' ya don't have enyone comin'
ya don't need enyone ta wait on 'em!
Enyone hear Ol' Sam stirrin' in his grave?

Of course, Wal-Mart will go out of business without stupid people to shop there.  However, since many of the employees also fall into the "stupid" category for working for slave wages, it won't create that much of an employment problem.  McDonald's will be another casualty for the same reason.  If you can't figure out the reason I've just discussed, you may join them soon!

Guess you'll never get that $15 an hour job now, 
will you?

Since crowds will be extremely susceptible to transmitting the Ebola virus, St. Louis protests will soon end as there won't be anyone left for the police to shoot!  The trinity of the "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed" crowd (Sharpton, Jackson, and Don King), their voices droning like foghorns in the night, will also pass into an afterlife of inflated egos and human waste.

Lottery ticket sales will flourish at funeral homes with those wanting 
to guess who will be next!  

"Come and see those that die, before you or me say a final bye bye!

Only $5 a chance!"

Most importantly, governments will falter as political seats find themselves without bodies to fill them.  A two thirds majority will become impossible after the first filibuster by an infected party official.  Oh, the hierarchy of each nation will remain intact for a while, but even they will succumb when baby kissing becomes a dangerous act of criminal intent.

Without the huge population demands, the Earth will once again begin to heal.  Forests will replenish themselves and the air will clear.  Global Warming will become a dreaded nightmare of the past.

 People, learning that there is danger in numbers, will seek out their own territory and become self sufficient, providing crops to nourish their families.  It will be a time of returning to the basics.  Peace will be found in the solitude of no Rap Music, as well as in the necessary efforts for self survival.  

And, what of the Ebola?  Oh, it will still be lurking in the shadows, reminding those who remain of the terrible dangers society can bring forth.  As it was created to destroy, it awaits a time to reappear and do its dirty work ... when the need arises.  

Or, will it?

But, enough on Ebola!  It's time to be thankful ... ten times thankful ... or thankful times ten, if you will.  Time to cast away doubts and fears and worries of Ebola and the death that awaits us all.

Muhahahahahahahaha!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  Nielson Ratings.  For the last seven months, a technical error has caused the Nielson Ratings to "misattribute" ratings points.  Of course, the folks at Nielson don't really look at this as a major problem.  However, the programs sponsors are totally pissed off that the money they paid to advertise may not have been properly spent for the audiences the shows were supposedly getting.  Networks are also somewhat upset that several new shows that have already been cancelled might not have deserved the cancellations.  

Up for next season is the Nielson Wheel Of Fortune!  Contestants will spin the wheel for the ratings points that each new show will receive, regardless of the quality of the programming.  An anonymous Nielson spokesperson stated, "Hell, we've done that for years on cable.  How else would you explain the audience shares of "Honey Boo Boo" and the Kardashian clan?"  

2)  Landon Donovan.  After more than a decade playing for the United States World Cup Soccer Team, Landon was cut from this year's squad.  Needless to say, he's pissed about it. 

Not knowing anything about soccer, I can say, "I feel his pain", but really don't give a damn about it.  The only thing worse than running back and forth, kicking a white ball for two hours is spending thousands of dollars on an electric cart, specialized clubs, and designer outfits to sweat off one's ass in the sun for four hours hitting a damn white ball with metal clubs.

But, then again, there are beer girls on golf courses!

The hell with fore ... I'd be happy with two!

3)  Kim Jong Un.   North Korean President, Kim John Un, has come out of his seclusion, where he has been since September 3rd.  Upon entering the sunlight, the president saw his shadow, so another six weeks of Winter is anticipated ... in advance.

4)  James Holmes.  This is the Colorado movie shooter that shot and killed 12 individuals, and wounded dozens more during the opening of a "Batman" movie.  No, James still hasn't gone to trial.  He's now taking a second group of tests to determine if he's insane or not.  Some say to kill people you must be crazy.  So, using that philosophy, anyone that murders is insane and should not be given the death penalty.  And, we as a society, would have to be crazy to put him to death for his acts.  At least, that's a common viewpoint these days.

Now, not being one of the politically correct and believing that a person is responsible for their actions, especially those as well thought out as our Mr. Holmes', I say, "Die you bastard, die!"   Of course, if many politically correct individuals have his way, James will be paroled in time for the next Batman movie release.  

Can you say, "Deja Vu", boys and girls?  "Bang, Bang!"

5)  Sharknado.  A real sharknado seemed to take place on the North Carolina coast this week, as over one hundred sharks went into a bluefish feeding frenzy.  Although still in the ocean waves, many seemed to beach themselves chasing the sushi delicacies.  
As you can see, stupid people did go wading with the sharks.  Let's see, feeding frenzy animal known to bite at anything, wading where one cannot move as quickly as normal, and not just one but over 100 of the jaws gnashing about ... sure, that's where I want to go wading!  And that, boys and girls, made the sharks very, very happy.  

On tap for next week, 

"North Carolina resident attempts to sue shark for accidental bite!"
by C.U. Incourt

or

"Hopping on the beach" by Amp U Tee

6)  Joan Rivers.  "Can we talk?"  Finally, the cause of death to the star has been announced.  They've now figured out that a lack of oxygen to the brain.  One scientist is debating this claim stating, "No oxygen to the brain ever stopped Jay Leno!"

7)  Halloween.  Only a couple of weeks away, the night of spooks, goblins and all types of monsters arrives (unless you live in Washington, D.C. where it's a daily way of life).  Unfortunately, I no longer get scared.  People have jumped out at me and screamed at me for years without any result.  I've wasted time in supposed haunted houses while ghost hunting, where the scariest part was wondering what was out in the woods when I stepped outside to have a cigarette or take a leak.  I think 34 years of being married to the same woman and seeing her without make-up too many times to count has something to do with my numbness.  Still, it's a nice night to go to the movies until all the kids are done with their trick or treating, especially since both activities cost the same these days.  And, one never has to be accused of child abuse while sneaking up behind them with an axe and a hockey mask.  

What?  Me use cocaine?
Why, I've never smoked it in my life!

8)  Hunter Biden.  The son of the Vice President of the United States has been discharged from the U.S. Navy for testing positive for cocaine.  Unlike other military personnel that test positive for illegal drugs, Hunter received an honorable discharge.  Some are calling this "favoritism" and "playing politics", while others are extremely upset.  White House officials are saying that both the President's and Vice President's eyes are extremely red over the matter.  Tears are the suspect, as sniffing behind closed doors seem to have been the norm for several days.  In other news, the Presidential duo just completed a 5 mile run in 2 minutes, setting the fastest time for any president/ vice president team.

9)  Fall Weather.  No longer does one have to sweat and stink like a pig in heat.  Fall weather is upon us, which means jackets and a briskness that revives one's inner instincts to stay in bed longer in the morning.  (And, don't tell me you've never waited until your spouse went to the bathroom first so you didn't have to be the one to warm up the cold as ice toilet seat!)   

10)  Michael Jackson.  Forbes just released their list of top earning dead performers and guess who came in at the top of the list?  Yep, Michael Jackson.  Even dead, the superstar brought in over $140 million last year.  Elvis came in second with $55 million.  Fleetwood Mac was also high on the list until someone finally discovered they weren't actually dead yet ... just suffering from charging too much for ticket prices!

And, that's gonna do it for another week.  See you soon!

Ciao!