FTSF: God Takes A Dump, Stupid People & Cat Stew

Yeppers, 
the sarcastic ass 
is back!  

The hiatus is over, to an extent.  I'm still very limited with my vision and computer time, but there are some things a person just feels like they have to do!

So, I guess I'm supposed to give a complete rundown as to what has happened to me over the last two months.

Why?

We all go through trials and tribulations in life.  Some of them are the fault of stupid people, some because of medical conditions, and some because of fate, karma, circumstance, luck, or God simply deciding he has to dump on someone every now and then.

I've seriously never envisioned God taking a dump before.  Royal robe hiked up, his bare, pasty white cheeks (I really can't imagine tanning beds being available in Heaven) sitting upon an ice cold toilet seat, and face all twisted as he contemplates his wisdom in designing bodies to release waste.  And, since God is all powerful, can you imagine the odor his defecation would produce?  Holy Toledo stench!  Just imagine God trying to cover up the smell in Heaven by saying, "Who died in here?"  (Can't you see every angel raising their hands saying, "Me!")   

And again, with God being all powerful, imagine the defecation exit speed!  Perhaps, not too long ago, he'd eaten his fill of Reuben pizza, some of his son's meatloaf, Brussels sprouts, and inhaled some Bush's Baked Beans as a snack.  That release had to be a super sh**!  (I wonder if that one's thrust velocity started the tsunami that hit Japan a few years ago?)

All this gives you a new insight as to God sitting on his Golden Throne in Heaven ... doesn’t it?  (The next time you're in church, and the preacher mentions it, try not to remember that picture.)  In fact, in my distorted brain, I can see the line of angels waiting to get into the outhouse in the clouds, cursing quietly about how long it was taking as he struggled with constipation.

“God damn it, how the hell long is God going to take?”

“Did God take any of those PlayAngel Magazines in there with him?"

“He just got back from where!?!?  OMG!  Remember the last time God went to White Castle? Those porcelain poppers  shot right through the clouds and resembled tiny meteors burning as they entered the Earth’s atmosphere!  
Somebody warn NASA!”

“If God doesn’t hurry up, I’m gonna have to shove this halo up my ass 

to keep my robe clean!”

“If God’s been drinking wine, those folks downstairs may get another 40 days and 40 nights of golden rain!”

“Just don’t be the next one to go in after God finally gets done.  

The smell will make you wish you were in Purgatory!”

"Remember how mad he got last time when he finished and found an empty roll of toilet tissue?  Two hurricanes, three tornadoes, and one Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem ruined the day for everyone the world over!"

And so on, and so on, and so on.

(What a topic with which to make my return!   Missed me ... didn’t you?)

So, why did I choose to come back to FTSF at this time?   Remember the cliché expression, “Because it was there?”   It kind of fits.  

I was planning to attempt to come back for a “Rambling Tuesday” entry, but I got rambunctious, went against doctor's orders, and decided to go ahead and let the creative juices flow ... kind of like God taking a dump.  (Why does a baby’s diaper filled with the results of Gerber Spinach Baby Food anal deposits come to mind all of a sudden?)

LOOK FAMILIAR?   NOW, ABOUT THOSE COBS...

I do hope you’re not eating right now.  
I especially hope you're not eating corn.  Why?  Because corn brings up many questions that need discussing.

How come corn is the only food known to man that never changes shape as it hopscotches through the human body?  Although I’ve never eaten a corn cob, I’m curious as to if it would change shape, or follow suit with the kernels?  After exiting, would the cob look like carnival food on a stick?  And, isn't popcorn really corn, too?  Then, why doesn't popcorn stay looking like popcorn?  (Although I have heard that some people swear they’ve seen Orville Redenbacher's face staring up at them from the bottom of the stool!).

Enough on God taking dumps and corn.  I’ve been away so long, I’m going to use my old JPEG showing the hostesses and the rules to FTSF.  I hope things haven't changed in this respect.

(Wasn’t that a work of art?)

Anyway, today’s sentence prompt is “The Hardest Part About My Day Is...” (which with three periods in a row inside of quotation marks, makes ending the sentence a difficult punctuation task unless you write a stupid sentence inside of the parenthesis like this one).

"So, here goes ..." (I can do it too!).

The Hardest Part About My Day Is the first 24 hours!  

After that’s over, it’s a breeze!

Getting out of bed has always been difficult.  I hate to go to bed at night, and hate to get out of bed in the morning.  I look at sleeping as a waste of time, but sleeping tries to change my viewpoint every morning.  I think I must be bi-polar in that my waking self loves being awake, but my sleeping self loves sleeping.  The two self’s are contradictions of each other, which makes for an internal conflict, similar to constipation.  Luckily, internal gases are not a result of this conflict, or I truly would hate myself! (Anyone for finger pulling?)

Observing stupid people making the news is another difficult part of my day.  Since I’ve been gone, there have been many stupid things occur in the news.

1)  Two dumbasses set off bombs at the Boston Marathon in hopes of making an Anti-American political statement.  Kind of hard to make a statement when the cops shot one full of holes, and have the other one under lock and key after he thought hiding in a boat in a backyard would keep him safe and sound.  (Kind of like hiding under the covers will keep the monsters away when you’re young, isn’t it?  Guess the boat wasn't as bulletproof as the covers were!)
2)  The Aurora shooter pleaded insanity, as I predicted he would the day the shooting occurred.  Hope he meets Slingblade and his lawn mower blade when he gets to the asylum!  Maybe he’ll go well with the “French Fried Taters & Mustard” treats!  “Yep, mmm mmm!”  What a Joker!

AH YES, IF WE AIM BERRY GOOD, WE CAN HIT IT!

3)  The North Koreans finally found out they can hit the ocean with their missiles!  They shot one, hit the ocean, and shot five more, hitting the ocean each time!  Damn, these guys are dead eye shots!  (How do you miss hitting something as big as the ocean!?!?)  
The South Koreans are egging them on, day after day, with chants of, "Betcha can't hit the ocean again!  Betcha, Betcha, Betcha, Betchaaaaaa!"   They do this hoping the North Koreans will waste all their missiles hitting the bottom of the sea!  It seems to be working.  So much for the intelligence of Kim Dumb Dumb!
4)  The I.R.S. targeted certain political groups for audits upon certain leadership directives.  In case you've never been through an audit, it's much like going to the proctologist in that ... “the deeper they search, the more they find, and the more it hurts!”  Personally, I think all politicians should be audited by I,R.S. inspectors (with ointment and rubber gloves) at least once a year.  Maybe then, the inspectors could pull the politician's heads out of the moist darkness in which they relentlessly reside!  
I wonder if God goes for his annual procto check-ups?  Can you imagine being the doctor about to shove your hand up God's butt?  Since God is supposed to know all, would you have to tell him, “This is gonna hurt!”
5)  Obama has had the NSA spying on Americans on the Internet.  It’s called visiting Facebook pages, folks!  Obama figured since most government employees spend most of their day social networking anyway, why not have them check out a few new Facebook pages!  They'll tell you everything you need to know!  
Give me ten minutes and I’ll tell you everything Terrye Toombs, Janine Huldie, and Julie DeNeen has been up to since the last time they were virgin brides ... or, at least one of them was ... supposedly!  (I’m not doubting you, Julie ... well, not really ... well ... okay, maybe just a little ... no, I believe you!  Just like you were going to send me a German Chocolate Cake, right?)
6)  Tornadoes hit Oklahoma!   Like that’s never happened before.  If you live in Tornado Alley, you’re gonna get hit by a tornado sooner or later.  It’s like living in New York and being surprised when you see a taxi or a hooker!   Didn't you see the movie "Twister"?

Duh ..... MOVE!

SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE SHE COULD GIVE YOU
CANCER, DOES SHE?  (latimes.com)

And those are just a few of the daily news items one has to simply shake their head at.  Unless, of course, you’re amused by Michael Douglas swearing he got throat cancer by having oral sex with his wife. (Kind of like after an evening of oral sex in the 80's when you'd wake up in the morning rubbing your beard, and then remember you didn't have a beard!  The Karate Kid ended those days with, 
"Wax On, Wax Off!)  
But seriously, if exercising one's tongue is discovered to be a cause of cancer, Kanye West and Ellen DeGeneres are in major trouble!

Lately, several things have also added to the hardest parts of my days.  (No, Viagra isn’t one of them, Terrye.  Get your mind out of the gutter.)  Having to limit my computer time to less than two hours a day while my eyes heal has been a nightmare (especially since I have to occasionally use one at work), dealing with yet another birthday was a pain in the butt (but better than the alternative), my 33rd anniversary with my wife could have been much better if I hadn’t of tried to be nice and put in the Blu-Ray “Ted” as a romantic video selection (Well, aren't Teddy Bears supposed to be creatures of love?), and having just discovered my cats' claws have shredded the back of our new love seat in record time makes me decide that cat stew may be in the future dining menu.

I wonder if cat stew would cause a major bowel movement?

Maybe I’ll ask God about it during my nightly prayers.  

If there’s a tsunami tomorrow, perhaps we’ll all know the answer.

(Faletame and Gabriela are now running around in a panic!)

Now, after reading this, aren’t you sorry I’m back?

****Just a quick note to all my friends and followers that emailed me and left comments and birthday wishes on my blogs during my medical hiatus.  You have my complete gratitude for doing so.  (This blog entry hit over 10,000 views by itself because of it!)  Sometimes, it's hard to understand that there are still great people in the world as we usually hear about the evil or stupid ones.  You don't know how much it meant to see that there are those that care, and will stick by you even when you're down.

Also, to the multitudes that had birthdays and special events that I missed during my absence, my apologies.  I hope your day was a joyous one and filled with all sorts of goodies.  However, if you're still looking for a present from me,the cat stew will soon be on its way!  :) 


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FTSF: Temporarily Closed For Repairs

The Time Has Come!

(No, it's not the 

 end of the world.)

It's been a very tough decision.  Yet, several factors have gone into this.  

Hopefully, you'll understand.

No, I'm not giving up blogging forever!  (Lord, that's the last thing I ever plan on doing.)  

However, I am going to have to take a break from the circuit.

You've probably already figured out something wasn't right, haven't you?

I used to be one of the most loyal blog visitors to all those that visited mine, as well as others.  (Of course, that was before Janine started writing 37 blogs a day!) But, recently, things haven't quite been that way.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised at you feeling as though I'm becoming a blog writer that doesn't even visit the efforts of others that I've become very close to in many ways.  But, that couldn't be further from the truth!

There are actually three factors that have led me to make the decision that's been made:

1. I feel guilty.  With my current employment, things are exceptionally hectic.  I've been able to read some of your blogs on my phone during the day, but commenting is an employment "no-no", as you well know.  I really haven't deserted you, but without commenting, you don't really know that.  I've tried to comment at night after I get home, but after a twelve hour day (sometimes six days a week), I'm doing good to make it through the evening meal without nodding out. (And, "NO", I'm not smoking that stuff anymore, so put that thought out of your mind.)  I can't expect you to comment on mine if I'm not commenting on yours ... as it's not fair ... and it also doesn't correspond with the FTSF rules.  
2. My eyes are giving me trouble again.  As you may be aware, I recently had my eyes give me fits with double vision, blurriness, and partial blindness.  The doctors thought they had it taken care of.  (So much for doctors thinking!)  Anyway, it's coming back.  There are times where I can't even read your blogs with my screen at a magnified view.  So, instead of continuing to strain them, I've got to give them a rest, get them taken care of (hopefully "right" this time), and do what I've got to do to keep my vision.  (Damn, getting old is a pain in the ass, to say the least!)
3. The home is in need of attention.  I've put many things on hold this last year as I've been writing.  Now, they're starting to catch up with me.  I've got to take some time to get them repaired before the house is a shambles (getting pretty close already, lol).  Very little time to do this is available with the schedule I'm working, and especially when you add in the writing and commenting.  

So, my options really are limited at this time.  To put forth the time I feel necessary to be a good fellow blogger and writer is simply not possible.  My vision won't allow me to do it and my wife is beginning to remind me about things around the house a little too often.  

Thus, I'm going to take about 

a month and a half off.

Don't shoot me, please!

I will be back June 1st at the latest.  Hopefully, some things will go better than planned (healing, etc.) and I'll be able to return sooner.  (I may even drop by from time to time just to bust the bubbles of those that are happy I'm gone, muhahahaha!!!)

Now, since that's out of the way, let's get to my last FTSF for a while.  I'll try to visit your blog this week and comment, as long as the vision holds out.  If I don't comment immediately, remember, I'm probably still reading it ... it just may take me a few days to do so.

So, here's the obligatory JPEG of the rules and the wonderful people that host this event.

Now, here's the prompt (or sentence to finish if you're picky about such phraseology):

"If I could live anywhere, I'd live ..."

Okay, now this is where I come in with my response.

...in the past as a time traveler.

Just imagine, knowing what you now know about all the atrocities that took place in the past, and being able to travel through time to actually stop them from occurring.

My, you do look like a
pizza delivery boy, Adolf!

Why, a person could go to Germany and shave off Hitler's mustache while giving him a haircut.  Without his signature caterpillar, he'd be mistaken for a pizza delivery boy, robbed by the Nazi Party, and turn into a baby circumsizing specialist for the local Jewish community!  World War II would never have occurred!

Think about it.  I could go back to the 50's and become a small plane pilot.  When the Big Bopper, Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens came to fly to the next show on that fateful night, I could've cancelled the flight and kept them alive producing Rock 'n Roll music into the current time, keeping the crap (and rap) that's on the radio today from ever having been heard!

Hey Charlie, I got some really good
stuff for you tonight!
Feel like bridge hopping?

A person could even be a drug pusher in the 60's, and provide Charles Mansion with some acid so mind blowing he'd think Helter Skelter was the name of an obscene halter top, lead him to develop a strong interest and get into porno films, be physically embarrassed during his first nude audition, and go out and jump off the San Francisco Bay Bridge.  Sharon Tate could have gone on making lousy movies, Jay Sebring charging too much money for lousy haircuts, and Abigail Folger and her boyfriend could have had coffee beans of their own!  

One could be the first to write an epic "How To" book on proper parenting for future generations!  By doing that, it would beat all the fake "mind doctors" that pushed permissiveness, video game experimentation, and religious mockery.  Just think, there would be no need for Political Correctness as manners and common sense would be common nature!  (Okay, so I'm hoping for miracles on this one.)

Think of being able to point out the boxcutters in the pockets of the 911 hijackers to security ... being able to stop Harry Whittington from going hunting and getting shot by Vice President Cheney in 2006 ... and even stop Kristen Stewart from messing around on Robert Pattinson while filming Snow White and the Huntsman.  (Nawww ... she's not worth the time token it would take to get there.)

Imagine ... free birth control pills in the drinks of the potential mothers of today's politicians ...  Ex-Lax in the pastry cooked for Oprah ... and proper vision care provided free of charge to all college basketball referees!   The would could be so wonderful!

No nuclear weapons would ever have been invented, special interest groups would have forever been banned from politics, and greed would be looked at as an evil.  Instead, man could learn to live together, politicians would actually work to help those they represent, and everyone could have their fair share for a fair day's work.  Nature would be looked upon as a gift from God worth preserving, police would only be necessary to direct traffic when the electricity went out during a storm, and everyone would chip in and help when a disaster occurred.  

This couldn't be done by only one person.  No, I'm not that naive.  But a group of persons, working together in complete secrecy to change the course of history, could create a Utopia for all to reside and thrive.  Families could be happy, communities loyal, and countries working hand in hand.

And if that didn't work, and time traveling was out of the question, 

well, how about the Bahamas?

I can see me in my speedo on the tropical beach, frolicking in the glowing sun of the afternoon, enjoying Pina Coladas endlessly with gorgeous tropical females.

Hmmmmmm!  Maybe I'll take the Bahamas!

See y'all in a month and a half!

Rambling Tuesday: Annette, Kim Jong Un, & River Otters

Creative Clearance-Publicity photos

The childhood sweetheart of my dreams

passed away Monday.

The Mickey Mouse Club of the late 50's / early 60's is in mourning.

Annette Funicello 

is no more.

My heart is saddened.

I first fell in love with Annette, not on the Mickey Mouse Club, as one would expect.  In fact, I very seldom watched that show.  The ending made me cry.

M-I-C ... see you real soon

K-E-Y ... why, because we like you

M-O-U-S-E

That was the rap music of the day.

No, I first fell in love with Annette in the Christmas movie "Babes In Toyland" released in 1961.  She was the only thing worth watching the movie for, unless you got into toys doing battle with bad guys and such.  It was amazing the things watching her could do to a seven year old boy!

Later, Annette donned a one piece swimsuit and joined Frankie Avalon in multiple "Beach Party"
movies.  She was a full figured girl, not one of the skin and bones look that parades itself as the sheer look of today.  No, Annette had a body ... but she didn't flaunt it.  Well, maybe a little when she sang songs of the era.

Instead, Annette played the role of a sensible person ... intelligent if you please ... that knew how to use her mind, hold on to true American values, and demonstrate common sense approaches to the problems that always seemed to face her.  Yet, she was a true beauty.

Creative Clearance-Publicity photos

My mother hated her.

In fact, after listening to me talking about Annette after viewing "Babes In Toyland" for the 5th time, she turned to me and said, "She's not as pretty as you think.  She wears tons of make-up to cover up all the bad pimples she has.  It's just the way Hollywood makes you think she's beautiful."

I never believed her for a second.  I think she was just trying to tell me to find someone my own age.  Annette was born in 1942, so she was 12 years older than I.

Yet, I was always attracted 
to older women.

Television offered me a few others to swoon over.  Connie Stevens, a sultry blond with a cotton candy voice tugged at my heart in "77 Sunset Strip", Gloria Winters, as Penny in "Sky King", was a sweet, young delight, and who could forget "The Farmer's Daughter" with the gorgeous Inger Stevens.

Still, Annette was my girl!

Annette died due to complications of Multiple Sclerosis.  She was 70 years old.  

There's a beach party in Heaven tonight!  There's a bending of the rules as bikini bathing suits and 60's rock music fills the scene.  The Rat Finks motorcycle gang are watching, as always, wishing they could participate.  Even the main man upstairs has his Mouseketeer ears on in honor of the occasion.

So, Annette, all I can say is, 

M-I-C ... see you real soon

K-E-Y ... why, because we like you

M-O-U-S-E

And on Earth, life goes on ...

1. Kim Jong Un, the young leader of North Korea, seems devoted to making a name for himself.  He's threatened the United States, civilized Asia, and just about any country that will listen to his tirades, with nuclear attack.  (The only difference between men and boys is the cost and size of their toys!  Actually, he's suffering from a complex caused by having been given the female name of "Kim" by his mother years before, and forced to get a haircut while wearing a bowl on his head.  Perhaps we need be watchful of Moon Unit Zappa!)
2. In the wake of the Rutgers coaching scandal, the athletic director, Tim Pernetti, has resigned from his job.  Don't feel sorry for him, yet.  He will collect $1.1 million dollars from the university in severance pay.  (Let's see, fail to do your job and become a millionaire!  Where the hell is that type of job when I was unemployed!)
3. Nebraska, Wyoming and Colorado is preparing for a Winter blizzard to hit.  It is predicted that enough snow may fall to create numerous transportation and manufacturing problems.  (Wait a minute, isn't it officially Spring?)
4. At the same time, Kansas, Oklahoma and North Texas are expected to experience hail and tornadoes.  (If you have a dog named Toto, be particularly careful.)
5. Prescription drug prices are outrageously high, especially at CVS Pharmacies.  Consumer Reports called drug stores throughout the United States comparing prices in various retail outlets.  The prices were determined to be the lowest at Costco, while the highest were at CVS.  (Example: a month's supply of Plavix ... Costco $15, CVS $180!) (My wife has worked at CVS for 20 years and makes $12.15 an hour.  Guess it's all going to the CEO, like it usually does.  Talk about making a profit by selling drugs!)  
6. United Airlines has been determined to be the worst of the 14 major U.S. airline carriers.  Overbookings, lost luggage, and smaller toilets seem to be at the root of the problem.  (No more Mile High Club flying united on United, you might say!)  Btw, Virgin America was rated as the Number One airline.  (I have a feeling they'll change their name in a few years when they reach puberty.)
7. A River Otter was seen in Colorado for the first time in 100 years.  (This might indicate that no one was looking for one.)

Till next time ... keep smiling!

Editorial:  

Allow me to start by saying that I am neither a Louisville or Michigan fan.  

Yet, in my opinion, the NCAA and/or CBS decided that a great way to welcome Coach Rick Pitino into the Basketball Hall of Fame, as well as show tribute to the last season the Big East existed, would be to make sure Louisville defeated the University of Michigan in the championship game of this year's March Madness.  As has taken place many times this season and tourney, questionable officiating, especially during the last 9 minutes, swayed the game to Louisville's corner.  

This was predicted to occur by yours truly in another blogger's blog prior to the game ever taking place, and was judged to be correct by statistics and replays.  Funny that even the announcers made several comments during that time of the game about questionable officiating calls.  Funny how that seems to be a common theme this year.

I have nothing against Louisville and believe them to be a quality team.  They have heart and skill, and the motivation provided by Kevin Ware, who made a tremendous sacrifice last week.  However, as has happened way too often, the losers didn't deserve the loss in the manner it was dealt them.

My heart goes out to all of those schools, and especially to the kids that gave their hearts and souls to the game this year, only to have them jerked out by such lousy individuals that control the game's ratings needs, advertising, and officiating.  It is a sad day for basketball, a sad day for the players, and a sad day for the true basketball fan.  

Perhaps, next year will be different.  Perhaps, greed and ratings will no longer play into the final results.  

Perhaps, it will snow in Texas in July.

Finish The Sentence Friday ... Cats, Red Beans and Rice, and a Lamborghini

Faletame

My cats have been acting up.

You can tell my life is interesting, huh?

I was chatting with my cousin a few minutes ago, and she stated that she doesn't care for cats.  Her words were that she was never at home and was allergic to them.

You should have seen my cats shaking as they read her words.

Faletame said, "So, she runs around all the time and has the audacity to say she's allergic!  How does she know if she's always running around somewhere?"

Of course, Gabriela had to add, "Sounds like she's out running the streets like I used to ... before I settled down and became a wonderful example to cathood families everywhere!"

"Now, both of you hush!  That's my cousin you're talking about!"

"But we live with you!  That should mean something!  Or, are we just furry friends when you want us around?  Oh yeah, "Here kitty" when you want some loving and "Shut the hell up" when we simply state the truth!  And you know she runs around ... she told you so!" added Gabriela.

They had a point!

Thus, I'm in a fix.  I really do care a lot for my cousin.  She's had a tough life, and needs a friend (as we all do) every now and then.  But, on the other side, my cats are like my kids.

"Like you had anything to do with me being born!"

"Hush, Faletame!  

Quit reading over my shoulder.  You know what I mean!"

"Yeah, you're just scared now!  You remember sending me to the vet's planned parenthood program.  You know one night, you might wake up to find me down around your crotch ... claws sharpened and ready for action!  You think it's fun being a eunuch, do you?"

He had another point.

Still, I find myself slightly in a fix.  I’m not going to cast away my cousin.  She’s really a very respected person and a great friend to boot.  And my cats, well, my cats are my cats!  They’ll always be a part of my life.

Gabriela

“You’re saying that so you can sleep at night, aren’t you?”

“No, Gabriela, I’m saying it because it’s true.  Even though you’re both pains in the butts at times, get your stray fur all around the keyboard as you practice your typing, and leave giant mounds of crap in the litter box for Millie to clean up, 

I love you both."

"So, you love us both?"

"Yes, I love you both."

"So, do you love Faletame 

more than me, or me 

more than Faletame?"

God, I think I feel an allergy coming on!

Anyway, it's time for:

"Finish The Sentence Friday!!!!"

Whoopee!  Whoopee!  Whoopee!

This is the time of the week that I now place an image that shows the rules and gracious hostesses of this spectacular weekly event.

So, great image, isn't it?

Anyway, this week's prompt to finish is:

"A typical day in my life looks like ... "

The real question is, "Should I divulge the secret lifestyle I cherish?"

Actually, it's pretty boring.  See if you don't agree.

I arise to a beautiful blue sky each and every morning.  (I painted a beautiful blue sky on my bedroom ceiling just so I could arise that way.  I was going to paint a beautiful night sky, which I really prefer, but I figured I'd think it still night time and go back to sleep until it actually was night time, when I could really get up to the sky I preferred.)   (If you followed that you're better than most.)

I do the typical bathroom stuff and come out feeling completely awake and refreshed.  Smelling of Royal Copenhagen cologne (no longer being produced), I enter into my breakfast nook to a light meal of pancakes with strawberry syrup, three eggs, six pieces of bacon, wheat toast with real butter, orange juice, and black coffee.   (Okay, so I imagined everything but the coffee, let a guy live his dream for a while.)

I then enter my Lamborghini and race down the two mile driveway to the main road.  Passing police officers at speeds in excess of 180 mph, I wave as I know I’ve still plenty of money lying in wait of the tickets they’ll write while laughing at how funny it was for them to be left behind in a cloud of dust.  (Yeah, Yeah, so I bounce out of the driveway onto the street in my Honda Ridgeline, and creep by the cop cars in hopes that they don’t notice my seat belt no longer works properly.)

Arriving at work, the valet takes my car and gently parks it by the front door.  I enter the building and am greeted with complete respect by my underlings that believe brown nosing the boss means an employment future.  I ride my private elevator to the 737th floor, walk into my office in the clouds, and peruse my computer for items requiring my expertise.  (Yep, you guessed it.  I park six blocks from work in a free parking zone, am ignored by all except the receptionist who immediately reminds me I’m late, walk down three flights of stairs to my office next to the cardboard incinerator and sewer hook-ups, and check my email for any spam that looks like it means I’ve won money from a past dictator from Africa.)

Diligently I work on matters of world importance until time for lunch.  I then enjoy a Continental Offering of Italian, Swiss, and American delicacies.   (So I search the web to act like I’m busy, until it’s time to eat my Dollar Tree salami and cheese on wheat bread sandwich for lunch.)

The afternoon passes quickly as my technical skills are called into use many times.  Finally, as the work day ends, I don my exercise gear, get my body in shape to it’s six pack image, jump in my Lamborghini and head back home to my mansion on the hill.  (You guessed it.  After making 117 field goals while playing with rubber bands and paperclips, I walk the six blocks back to my truck, beer gut heaving as I try to catch my wind, crawl up into my truck, and drive home to the shack behind the radio tower.)

After indulging in another evening delicacy from New Orleans, I head back to my computer and answer the millions of fan letters I have waiting from all of those that love my writing and can’t wait until the next installment.  (Okay, so it’s Zatarain’s Red Beans & Rice frozen TV dinner, emails from Direct TV and Bluegrass Energy telling me my credit card was rejected and that the bills were due two days ago, and a few drunken acquaintances that wonder if I’m ever going to go back to Hubpages and start writing for real again.)

After an evening of expressive entertainment, I snack on Idaho’s finest treats, brush my teeth, and head off into a dreamland in my King Size bed.  (Or, after suffering through my wife’s watching of The Voice, Dancing With The Stars, or Duck Dynasty, I grab a bag of potato chips, inhale them all within seconds, and hit the waterbed for four hours of sleep before having to get up and do it all over again the next day!)

Now, aren’t you glad you asked?

“So, do you love Faletame more than me, or me more than Faletame?  You still haven’t answered me!”

Oh, God ... why me?

Rambling Tuesday: 50 Shades Of Grey, Homosexuals, and Gun Registration

Today is Tuesday, 

so it must be time to ramble!

(As if I don't any other day.)

As I was driving home last night, I started thinking about what I might ramble about today.  All sorts of topics ran through my mind.  

(Decisions, decisions)

First, I could talk about my wife.  I figured that must be an acceptable topic, since many of the wonderful ladies in blogging talk about their husbands ... day after day after day.

Not that I mind it.  In fact, I find it somewhat funny at times.  What makes it difficult is commenting on their blogs without sounding like a male chauvinist.

How does one comment about a sexual evening when dealing with the opposite sex in blogging?  Oh, I guess there's the humorous remarks, but when and where does one draw the line?  

Lets be real for a minute.  If a female makes somewhat racy comments, it's funny.  Yet, by the same token, if a male makes those type of comments, all of a sudden he's a sexual pervert that only has visions of nudity and the physical act taking place.  

Watch out, here comes the blog police!!!!

It's kind of like the book 50 Shades of Grey.  If a man were to discuss this book, he would be viewed as only seeing the sex.  OMG, guys only see porn in books like this ... not the beauty of love and relationships and togetherness!  Draw your curtains, grow the hedges, and lock the doors ... a man is present!

Yet, Ellen, Oprah, and many other females openly discuss this with humor, sexual innuendoes, and extreme raciness.  

I've nothing against this book.  No, I haven't read it.  My wife doesn't shop much (Thank God!), and I've yet to build up the courage to face the old ladies at the cash register with this publication, whom judge as if the Golden Throne was a piece sitting in their living room.  Nor do I feel like lying about it and asking them, "Is this any good?  My wife has wanted to read this for the longest time."

Should I even let her read this?

To a man, it might get her in a mood that one would rather avoid. 

 (How do you know when a man is lazy?  When sex becomes work!)

Or, am I speculating about something that wouldn't happen?  

(How many years has it been?)

No worry.  There's a couple of cd's coming out today that I'd rather spend my money on.  Maybe next week ... doubtful ... but maybe next week.  I'll have to check and see what blue-rays and cd's come out then.

(I mean, after so many years, what's another week ... or month ... or year ... or decade?)

But see, now I've gone too far.  All of a sudden, there are some who are starting to feel uncomfortable.  All of a sudden, this unknown entity is becoming a ... should I say it ... a man!

Oh, The Humanities!!!   

Pack your bags, lock the doors, and run to the hills ... gender bias has come home!  

Don't worry ... my walker with wheels will only go so fast.  However, next week, the electric scooter cart arrives!  I can't wait.  Wal-Mart females, beware!   I'll be traveling at seven miles per hour ... up and down the aisles ... reaching out ... pinching and grabbing ... and laughing as the store manager chases me out the door!

Okay, so I'm not that old.  

Scared you for a minute though, didn't I?

(Or, are you disappointed?)

Yep, another typical male comment provided for your benefit.  I had to give you what you expected.  Right?

Anyway, let's take a look at the news and see what's happening around the world.

1. A crazed maniac drove his car into two other cars and then crashed through the front of a Wal-Mart in San Jose, California yesterday.  Once inside, he jumped out and started attacking shoppers and workers with a blunt instrument.  (In retaliation, the Politically Correct California State Legislature is drawing up a bill that will make all motor vehicles and blunt instruments dangerous weapons, and to be outlawed as illegal.)
2. Aurora theater shooter, James Holmes, proved he was sane by having his defense request a plea bargain for his life.  However, the prosecution has turned down this request and will pursue the death penalty.  (Looks like the dumbass finally outsmarted himself.  Only a sane man would plead for his life, so the defense just blew the insanity plea!)
3. Thirty-five teachers and administrators in Atlanta have been charged with cheating to increase their students test scores.  (This is truly showing the students that education does it’s best to see that no child gets left behind.  Students were informed about the case verbally, since most had not yet learned to read by the time they graduated high school.)
4. An Italian scientist has proclaimed that vaccines make people gay.  He claims that the chemicals prevent a child from discovering who he or she is by creating a chemical shield that blocks proper brain and personality development.  He also warns about increasing numbers of homosexuals in the future because of this.  (Bruno Tonioli, judge on Dancing With The Stars, calls this “the worst proclamation he’s ever seen as the form is wrong, the toes not pointed, and the effort inferior and extremely butch.”)
5. President Obama and family attended Easter Sunday services and were entertained by the Reverend Luis Leon making political remarks about conservatives holding on to outdated views on race, gender roles, and immigration.  (The collection plate was then passed, after Luis commented that food stamps, unopened condoms, and fake green cards would be greatly appreciated.)
6. Connecticut has become the first state to require mandatory gun registration of all guns and magazines.  (Next on the agenda, mandatory outlawing of motor vehicles and blunt instruments.)
7. Norway has been chosen as the best place for a person to retire, followed closely by Switzerland, Luxembourg, Sweden and Austria.  The United States came in 19th.  (Walkers with ski runners are much cheaper than walker with wheels and mobile scooters.  In addition, lawsuits involving elderly gentlemen grabbing customers as they drive up and down the aisles of smaller Norwegian department stores are minimal.)

And that’s going to do it for this week’s Rambling Tuesday!

Keep your chin(s) up, the smile huge, and donations coming!

Anyone got an extra copy of 50 Shades Of Grey?

God, Basketball, and Finish The Sentence Friday

I'm supposed to be writing a Finish the Sentence Friday offering. 

Instead, I'm watching a basketball game.

March Madness affects many people throughout the United States.  It is especially severe in those that have alma maters still in the contest. 

I attended Indiana University.  Throughout the season, they've been ranked as high as #1 for several weeks at a time.  Now, they're playing in the Sweet Sixteen against Syracuse.  My attention is seriously diverted.

I am experiencing emotional anger, glee, frustration, and hope … 

in a three to four second rotation.  It is Hell.

At the time of this writing, Indiana is not doing well.  They seem to have a difficult time putting the ball in the hoop, which is the primary goal of the game.  My anger continues.

Many wives, who are not into sporting contests, tend to believe that men watching sports is a complete waste of time.  Not so.  In fact, if you, as a wife, are in need of some quiet time to accomplish some of the things you've always wanted to do, there is no time like the present. We promise not to disturb you in the least.

My wife is working at this time.  

I hope she doesn't come home before the game is over.

It isn't that I don't love my wife.  After 33 years together, we have grown somewhat close.  She tends to tick me off at times, as I'm sure I do her, but we've learned to keep things in perspective.  That is, as long as she doesn't bother me during a college basketball game.

Not if she wishes to live to see another day.

I have killed chairs, hassocks, a lamp, and even an end table in the past during these events.  My cats, Faletame and Gabriela, have learned to seek solitude in the kitchen during games.  My wife, who should be easier to train, still doesn't get it.  She's a little slow, or perhaps, she just doesn't care.  She doesn't realize how close to death she may be.

When the referees are as bad as they are tonight in this game, especially when it comes to not calling fouls (easily seen) against Syracuse, my anger boils.  Not only is your team playing against their opponent, they're playing against the refs.  It's a hopeless situation for your team.  And one gets angrier and angrier.

It is not a time to hear about how some co-worker's kid at work had a bad day with the teacher, how all day was spent resetting the cosmetics, or how she almost bought something at the grocery store and had a really tough time deciding before putting it back.

Suddenly, the wife starts to look like one of the referees.  Her purple polo becomes black and white striped, and her voice as shrill as a whistle. 

Where's my gun?

Anyway, it's Finish the Sentence Friday blog hop time.  No, not finish the prison sentence, but the sentence, or prompt, that our hostesses provide us.   Hostesses?  Yes, hostesses!  These fine folks!

Today's prompt is ….

”If I could hang out with any celebrity, it would be…”

First, before I answer that, let's look at the definition of a celebrity:"one who is famous" according to The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary.   That's it.  No bylines.  No more descriptions.  Just "one who is famous."

If that's the case, let me say that the celebrity that I'd most like to hang with would be

GOD!

I would say that God is famous, wouldn't you?

So, let's say God and I could get together one afternoon.  The first thing that would need to be decided is what I could call him.

"Hey (Big Guy, Main Man, Kind and Gentle Omnipotency,  Your Holiness,  Super Wiz, Dad, Impregnator Divine, Burning Bush Talker, Sir), what's happening?"

Of course, with him knowing all, that could be a question that could take a millennium to answer.

"So, since we got some time together, what do you want to do?"

Something tells me, God is a basketball fan and probably wants to watch the rest of the game like I do.  Still, he knows the outcome already, so he may decide on something else.

"Want to go create another world somewhere?"

I have a feeling that would probably take more than the week's vacation time I'd have available, so we might pass on that one.

"How about we just sit and talk a while and you can tell me how you make some decisions?  Yes, I know I'm not supposed to question you or your wisdom.  But, you've got to lighten up the rules a little today … just for me … okay?"

So, what would I ask God?

1. What really came first, the chicken or the egg?
2. If man has been given common sense, why does he pay others tell him how to run his life?
3. What really happened to the guy from Nantucket?
4. Why do some people drive 45 mph in the fast lane on the interstate?
5. Why do women always say, "I don't care" when you ask them a question?
6. Why are I.R.S. auditors and proctologists so much alike?  (The deeper they search the more they find and the more it hurts.)
7. Why is Sunday the first day of the week on all calendars, but the last day of the weekend?
8. How do you know if you've found the end of the rainbow or the beginning?
9. Why do Subway's "meal deals" total the same as if you bought everything at full price separately?
10. If the people of religion demand world peace, why do the politicians continually start religious wars?
11. Why do people think their car's glass windows keep people from seeing them pick their noses?
12. How come men pick the new pope instead of him?
13. Who ever came up with the concept of a bunny hiding eggs at Easter?
14. How many vacancies are left in Heaven?

and, after tonight, the main one on my mind ….

Why are basketball referees blind on one end of the court 

and have 20/20 vision on the other? 

Is it because the network pays them to set up match ups 

that will bring in big time ratings?

Maybe we should be more like the Chinese and the way they treat their refs...

I'm sure God would get a chuckle out of that one.  I'm also sure he's not letting any referees into Heaven … and it serves them right!  

Anyway,  it would be kind of cool to hang out with the Big Guy for a week or so, although I don't imagine he'd have many smoking sections up there.  (I understand most of the smoke comes from the fires in another place.)  Although he'd have to admit, smoking definitely helped him populate the upper level quicker.

We could talk about important things, like:

• Should the cast of Duck Dynasty really get $200,000 an episode?
• How many laughs does he get from Politically Correct supporters?
• Why doesn't he get pissed off when minority complaints keep the Christ out of Christmas?
• Where's our 40 virgins at after we die?
• Why are there ten hot dogs in a package and only eight buns in the other?
• Why are there boy groups in Pop Music?
• Why doesn't the Geico lizard ever shed his skin?
• Was the Earth his first world created, or did he try elsewhere and messed it up?
• If all men are equal, where do Cajuns and NYC Sportswriters fit in?

and

"Why can dogs lick themselves and we..." 

(…. okay, maybe not that one!)

I'm sure we'd each be a little happier when the visit was over.  I could go back to doing what I do and God could go back to doing his miracle stuff.  

And maybe … just maybe … if we're all real good, next year he might even create a batch of college basketball referees that could call a damn game halfway right!!!!!!!

Amen!