Ten Things Of Thankful: Health Experts, Domestic Terrorism, & Chicken McNuggets

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What is it about cold weather that makes people experts on being healthy?

No, I've never noticed the relationship before.  Have you?

Recently, we've been in the grip of freezing temperatures, ice storms, and constant snow.  Cars are sliding around on highways, standing up while walking is difficult, and dogs are looking at their owners wondering why in the hell they can't just go to the bathroom in the bath tub instead of freezing off their paws outside.

It's Winter!  Believe it or not, it's the time of the year for the things to be like this!

However, a trait I've not noticed in years passed by is how many comments one receives about staying healthy during the Winter months.  Oh, we've always heard the standard:

1. "Don't go outside if you're not dressed properly."  (And, "Yes", I actually have seen a couple of teenage idiots wearing shorts in subzero temperatures this year.  It's my guess they're proving their manhood by freezing off their manhood.)
2. "It's cold and flu season so always make sure you wash your hands constantly, cover your mouth when you sneeze, and stay away from anyone with the sniffles."  (Like I regularly seek out sick individuals to spend hours of playing Russian Roulette with their germs.)
3. "Limit your time outside as you may find the temperatures allow for frostbite to occur before you recognize it happening." (Although chopping off half an inch of ice from your windshield takes time and is a must before you can get your ass anywhere warm!

However, this year, I've been constantly verbally attacked by those that consider themselves "Health Specialists" because of something they've read on the web.  (Which never lies, as we all know.)

"I can do everything except
prescribe medicine.  For that,
you'll have to wait six months
for your Obamacare to kick in!"

There are still a few that hit me about my smoking cigarettes, but that's to be expected in today's politically correct society that proclaims one cannot do as they wish if others think it offensive to them.  I will state again, for the benefit of those that have not heard me say it before, "I won't blow my smoke in your face if you don't blow your El Toro defecation in mine."  If and when I decide to quit, I will do so on my own accord, and not because your words of wisdom suddenly provided me with a marvelous insight as to the immediate realization that smoking may not be the best thing I've ever done.  Still, when I look back at having already been dead twice in my life, and many of the dangerous activities I've participated in, smoking is probably one of the least dangerous.  Much less dangerous than hounding a smoker about quitting I might add.  (Just a word of warning ... just in case you were about to comment about it.)

No, this year is filled with people telling me:

1.  ... I need to get at least eight hours of sleep a night, (I think after 59 years I can make a decision on when to sleep and how much sleep I need.  Just because I don't want to waste a third of what life I've got left of lying in an unconscious state wasting time doesn't mean my world will end tomorrow.  (It just means that I have more important things to do, such as write, work and smoke cigarettes!)
2.  ... don't eat Chinese food as it's filled with MSG.  (No, I'd rather eat McDonald's hamburgers and fries like you that have enough sodium to cure a ten pound ham, and preservatives to keep my dead body in it's current state until the zombie comet passes overhead and allows me to rise from the dead to eat the flesh from your bones!)
3.  ... wearing long underwear only reduces one's chances of being able to tolerate the cold and keep from getting sick.  (You might want to add "freezing one's ass off" to that list.)
4.  ... drinking Diet Coke is terrible for you as they're filled with chemicals.  (When was the last time you ever looked at all the chemicals your local water company used to make water somewhat safe for drinking, especially since the water system pipes hadn't been sterilized in ... well, never!)
5.  ... too much time at a computer will ruin your eyes.  (Tell my employer about that.  He's the one that keeps me there taking manufacturer's testing and working 9-11 hours a day.  If you've got a better job, let me know.  I might be interested!)

Let's see.  I know I can't eat anything that has white, enriched flour in it or I'll drop off to sleep within thirty minutes, fast food leaves me feeling like I'd gained fifty pounds in one sitting, I don't have to worry about getting bad sushi since I want my meat cooked before indulging, and I've researched enough to know that there are many cancer fighting natural foods (like broccoli) that I can eat sensibly.  I'm going to sleep when I need to, drink what I want to, and smoke as often as I can tolerate the cold weather at work.  My computer time is too much, but my eyes grow blurry when it's too much making it impossible to see the screen, so it limits itself.  And, as far as long underwear goes, if you want to freeze that's your prerogative.  Personally, I'm preferring staying warm!

I can't wait until the Summer months when I can preach to you about the long term aging and skin cancer effect of ultra violet rays, dehydration created by overuse of alcohol, and the dangers of barbeque cleaning brushes.  Oh, let's not forget about the dangers of bee stings, Summer diet regiments, and improper foot support of sandal wearing.  By the way, swimming in public pools in which people urinate and spit, grabbing icee's from the local convenience store machine (that's never cleaned), and inhaling too much charcoal smoke from the grill is also gambling with one's health!

Isn't life a bitch!!!

But, let us not forget why we've all gathered here today!

Yes, the Queen, Lizzi, has made proclamation that we will bring ourselves together to worship the Gods of Thankful!  Ten times we are directed to do so, unless we see it fitting to go more.  Still, ten is the number so designated by our loving Queen with the ever reaching cat 'o ten tails in her grasp.  Thus, ten times the bell shall toll and ten times the hearts will sing, "Thankful for thee, thankful we've been, thankful for we, stop here oh power of ten!"

Yes, tis time for "Ten Things Of Thankful" once again!

This week, I'm thankful for:

"What do you mean this was supposed
to be a roller coaster????"

1)  ... Olympic Games sensationalism!  If you haven't heard, Russia is hosting the Winter Olympics.  Propaganda from the Western World has made the pre-Olympic news coverage so dramatic, the games are almost secondary.  Everything from death and kidnapping threats, the smuggling of bomb materials, gay rights slandering, and the talk of inferior living conditions have filled the airwaves.  Actually, this is pretty typical for the Western World.  Their goal is to build up the sensationalism to increase curiosity which, in turn, will make people tune in to increase ratings points, which will validate the outrageous prices for advertising the networks will charge.  It's kind of like, "If we make the party seem big enough, we can charge a lot for tickets!"   It's a game that's been played for years, and will continue to be played as long as people fall for it.  (If you go, remember, these are Winter Games.  Long underwear may be necessary!)

"Ready ...  Aim ..."

2)  ... domestic terrorism.  Talk about making life exciting!  A continuing report concerning the 52 minute attack of a California power substation last year is now being discussed as a possible act of terrorism.  The attack on the power station, which took place in April of 2013, entailed over 100 rifle shots at transformers, cables being cut, and 27 days to repair the damage, is now, 10 months later, being thought of as an act of terror.  The FBI, never being an agency known for jumping to conclusions, still doesn't believe it an act of terrorism as the Federal Regulatory Commission has stated.  Instead, the FBI is currently investigating the cast of Duck Dynasty's visit to Southern California last year during duck hunting season, and the fact that all the transformers had duck targets posted on them.


3)  ... CVS Pharmacies.  It has recently been stated that CVS, the second largest pharmacy chain in the United States, will stop selling all tobacco products this year.  They feel cigarettes and tobacco products have no business being sold in a business that promotes health care.  (In a related story, CVS has announced they will be expanding the size of their beer and alcohol products departments  to aid the health industry in providing patients for liver transplants, and drunk driving emergency room auto crash victims.)

Lying naked to the world, Mr. & Mrs.
McNugget completed their plans
for world domination!

4)  ... Chicken McNuggets.  McDonald's decided it was finally time to respond to the "pink goop" photo that has been passed around the Internet supposedly showing of what the famous meal item was comprised.  A film has been made of the product being made to end all rumors.  This production even goes into the details of the four shapes (bow, ball, boot, bowtie) the McNuggets are formed into.  No response was given as to why "breast" was not a shape option.  

(Damn, it's a family dining restaurant.  You want breasts? 
Go to Hooters!)

5)  ... Denver Bronco fans.  Although winning and losing is part of sports life, Denver Bronco fans, after Sundays loss to Seattle at the Super Bowl, seem to have a little different manner in curbing their sorrows.  It seems as though there was a 11% increase in web traffic from Denver to porn sites after the Sunday debacle.  Seattle, also, noticed an increase in porn traffic, but nothing like Denver's.  (Seems, getting "blown away" has different meanings to the stoners in Washington, than it does in Denver.)

"C'mon, C'mon, I'll fight anyone!
I know I once got my ass beat
by a 17 year old, but this time
I'll be ready!"

6)  ... George Zimmerman.  Not only did this individual survive an alleged assault by Trayvon Martin, a court trial in which he had to fight not only the court system, but also the President's opinions and those of various minority mouthpieces, and contend with a mad and raging wife, but now, George Zimmerman will have to contend with a rapper.  George has decided to become a boxer.  His first opponent, chosen from the thousands that applied, will be the rapper, DMX.  That is, if the rapper will sign a contract.  Worries prevail as to if pictures will be taken of the injuries one could receive in the event, if the event will be televised or not, and if the rapper is simply all talk.  Finding an impartial panel of judges and a referee that doesn't hold grudges is also a problem that must be overcome.  (Already, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and anyone residing in Florida has been turned down.)

7)  ... Shaun White.  American Snowboarder and extreme danger seeker, Shaun White, has pulled out of the Olympic snowboarding event because the course was "too dangerous."  Others, still participating in the event, state that he pulled out because he recognized he had no chance to win.  It's reported that Mr. While later said, "I'd rather fight George Zimmerman than take a chance on that slope!"

"Me?  Attack a youngster?  Are
You Kidding?  Last time I tried to
attack anything a salad beat
my ass!"

8)  ... Woody Allen.  Did he or didn't he?  That is the question!  Woody's daughter has accused the actor/writer/director of sexually abusing her as a youngster.  Supposedly, she also brings up references to Woody's infatuation with his step daughter in the accusations.  Woody has responded to the issues in a letter to the New York Times, which may, or may not, be published by the Times in the next few days.  Woody, unavailable for comment, is currently debating on a sequel to his 70's hit movie, to be called, "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex With Your Kids ... (But Were Too Afraid To Ask For Fear Of Prosecution)."  

9)  ... John Kerry.  70 year old John Kerry has confirmed that he has no thoughts of running for president in 2016.  (It's also been reported that he knew he would have no chance running against Michelle Obama for that position, so why try?)

10)  ... Super Bowl Commercials.  Our last, but most influential topic this week, concerns Super Bowl Commercials.  In previous years, it really didn't matter how bad the game was.  Super Bowl commercials were something special and made up for the lack of substance (I say that loosely for Washington and Colorado residents) on the field.  With the exception of the Muppets and the Audi "Doberhuahua" commercials, this year's grouping of Super Bowl commercials was the worst ever viewed.  Whether it be the screening has been too stringent in trying not to offend the Politically Correct morons of the world, or that humor in the advertising world is no longer appreciated, this year's offerings were extremely lacking.  One can only envision next year's Super Bowl ratings points to be down due to this change in philosophy.  (In fact, the Indianapolis Colts are already preparing for their lack of viewers by contracting Peyton Manning to make a fantasy/ humor spot dreaming about what it would be like to win a Super Bowl somewhere other than Indianapolis.)  

And, that's that!  

Another week of thankful, thankfully thankful to be over.  My cats are demanding my attention, so it's time to put in a Woody Allen movie, split a Diet Coke with them, and fall asleep in the recliner with both keeping my lap warm.  

I wonder if McDonald's delivers McNuggets?

Ciao!

Ten Things Of Thankful: Super Bowl, Grammy's, and the Outhouse!

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It's Super Bowl Weekend!!!

Zis, 

Boom, 

Bah, 

Humbug!

This is the one weekend of the year where the lovers of pro football proclaim to have an excuse to get loud, rowdy, and ridiculous, and those that hate pro football can do as they always do ... "bitch, bitch, bitch!"

As with all Super Bowls, there is controversy preceding game day.  Already, Scarlett Johansson has been forced to eliminate her words "Coke" and "Pepsi" from an ad that will air during the game.  I'm happy to hear that.  Now, I can have plenty of time to prepare the grandchildren to avoid those nasty words by covering their ears just in case some fan utters them during a quick shot cutaway!

What do you want to bet both 

Coke and Pepsi will have ads 

airing during the day?

There is also a group of individuals in New York City that were arrested because of their planned activities on that fateful day.  Seems as though they were selling cocaine and sex packages to clients who wanted to have an excuse to get a little more than the stadium had to offer.  

Can't you envision some 400 lb. businessman from Nebraska doing a New York hooker doggy style yelling, "Omaha!  Omaha!"   

(Sorry, that vision belongs on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom!)

There's also been much made of the fact that both Colorado and Washington are the two states in the union that have legalized the usage of marijuana, and are the two states that have Super Bowl contenders.  This ought to make the game interesting!

"Hey dude, what play did he just call?"

"Damned if I know.  But don't worry about it, he's stoned, too!  If you screw up and he starts to give you any crap, just tell him that he forgot the play and pass him the joint.   It's all cool!"

"But, I'm almost out, dude! My jockstrap can only hold so much!"

"Hey, just ask the coach for more.  Who do you think he's talking to through his headset, anyway?  It's Marijuana Mama Woo, always deliver to you!"

"Oh, wow, man!  ... I think we just missed the play!"

I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of Gatorade consumed during this game.  (Damn cotton mouth, anyway!)  Beware tokers, there's only 20 oz. or less size soft drinks sold!  You'll definitely get your exercise going back and forth from your seat to the concession stands!  

Can't you see Monday's headlines ... 

28 Super Bowl ticket holders die of heart attacks 

en route to stadium concession stands!  

One survivor proclaims, "They kept hushing me every time I said Coke!  
I almost died and they killed Kenny!  Those bastards!"

The New York City Police Department is readying itself for the multitude of pot that will be brought into the city this weekend.  Most have been seen visiting head shops and purchasing various smoking devices so that medical marijuana confiscated won't go to waste!  Also, the city's donut shops are preparing themselves for a munchies epidemic by the men in blue, and Dr. Pepper is bringing in extra supplies.  (Since saying, "Dr. Pepper" is still legal!)

So, if you get around to it, enjoy the game!  

I hope your team wins, as long as it's my team!

It's time for another Ten Things of Thankful!

Yeah, the other stuff was just the appetizer.

Lizzi and her 555 com padres that host this have a goal in mind.  I've been told it's to express a degree of thankfulness each and every week to assist in helping people to see that all is not hopeless in our hopeless world in which we attempt to survive.  

I think Lizzi's been sampling some medical marijuana.

Still, I shall attempt to follow suit and present my Ten Things of Thankful.  I say attempt ... which always leaves room for error.  Still, you gotta give a guy credit for trying!

I'm Thankful For ...

...and then,
the zombies began appearing!

1)  ...Georgia politicians.  
The state of Georgia had snow this week.  That, in itself, is a shocker.  What isn't a shocker is the way they handled it.  Why?  Because politicians never do a damn thing to prepare for the rarities.  They're all too busy trying to find ways to steal tax dollars for 1) pet projects, 2) political favor repayments, and 3) future campaign funding.  Why should they have a disaster plan for snow when it almost never snows?  Now, the Blame Game is going on, some underling scapegoats will be accused and lose their jobs, and the head honchos will continue scamming the public.  La-De-Da, La-De-Da ... things never change!

This year, we're having
only one grammy awarded.
It's to the record producers
that made all music sound
the same!

2)  ... The 2014 Grammy Awards.  Not learning a thing about controversy from the earlier Miley Cyrus event last year, the Grammy's immediately started programming with a semi-naked Beyonce filling the screen.  Of course, since the sound mixing at this year's show was among the worst ever experienced, most couldn't decipher what the hell she was trying to sing.  This year's show also had 1) Robin Thicke's vocals blasting too loud to hear anything Chicago was trying to play or sing, 2) Stevie Wonder being drowned out by Pharrell Williams and Daft Punk Robot Wars, 3) Ringo Starr reminding all of us that he really can't sing, 4) Paul McCartney reminding us that his days of writing great songs are over, 5) Country Greats Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard and Kris Kristofferson reminding us that Willie's bus is the New Colorado Medical Marijuana Center, and that 6) Taylor Swift is still trying to make others look bad instead of admitting she's an actor/singer groupie.  Another great show, just like always!

3)  ... Connecticut's Federal Judge Alfred Covello.  In declaring Connecticut's new gun law constitutional, his actions suggest that guns are human beings and have a mind of their own.  In addition, he has allowed one to believe that man need not be accountable for his actions as guns can always be blamed.  Judge Covello has now gained his place in the "I'm a Dumb Ass" Hall of Fame for not recognizing that any item can be used to end human life, but it is the person who uses it that is the guilty party and steps to curb this behavior is the only way to effectively prevent the loss of human life. (**See number five for an accurate example.) 
On a side note, stabbings are expected to escalate, which has steakhouses in Connecticut running scared that knives will join guns as forbidden articles.  And, after several deaths were attributed to this last week's snowstorms, snow is also banned from falling from the sky.  God has stated he will appeal!

Oh well, I guess I'll just stay
home and watch the game
and get high!

4)  ... New York's Mayor Bill de Blasio.  In a press conference, it was learned that the mayor will not be attending the Super Bowl because he can't afford the $500 to $2500 tickets.  The mayor only makes $225,000 a year in his position.  With a son in college, he says his budget for disposable income is stretched.  Since New York forbids public officials from taking free tickets, he's going to sit at home and watch the game on TV.  Sounds like a good way to avoid the traffic jams, obnoxious fans, and the deaths of those trying to get something to drink, discussed earlier.  (If you missed that, stop scanning!)

5)  ... Federal Prosecutors.  It has just been announced that Federal Prosecutors will be seeking the Death Penalty against the surviving Boston Marathon bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.  As he and his brother protested American violence in Muslim countries by supposedly placing pressure cooker bombs along the marathon route.  If proven guilty, my suggestion would be to put him in a bomb proofed room with a pressure cooker bomb in each corner.  If he could dodge all the ball bearings and other metallic objects inside of the bombs once exploded, he could go free.  If not ... well, let's just say he wouldn't be attending any more marathons.  (Oh, c'mon ... don't even tell me you don't think giving him what he gave others is wrong.  Why let him enjoy a protected life in prison filled with television and sex when others are either maimed, dead, or mentally scarred forever?)  

C'mon, you remember me ...
don't you?

6)  ... State of the Union Address.  This week’s State of the Union Address by President Obama received the worst viewing ratings of any address given since the year 2000.  This is attributed to half of Atlanta being stuck on the Interstate’s in a snow storm, a general feeling of disgust and frustration involving any politician, and the most dangerous adventures of Swamp People was airing on cable at the same time.  Obama was happy with the ratings.  It was rumored he was overheard saying, “If they didn’t watch, they can’t say I said it!  I‘ve just gained plausible deniability!”

7)  ... Inside Plumbing.  The recent cold snap, in addition to catching a few episodes of “Buying Alaska” have reminded me how wonderful indoor plumbing is to have.  My grandparents had an outhouse for most of my elementary school years.  My mother was in the hospital quite often, which meant my staying at the grandparents meant literally freezing one’s ass off

The masochistic torture chamber.  
Politicians beware, keep acting
like asses and your ass cheeks
are ours!!!!!

first thing on a cold Winter morning.  When you wake up, the last thing on the Good Times list is to walk outside, trudge through the snow, bare your butt, and place your cheeks upon a wood base that’s been exposed to below zero temperatures all night.  It was dangerous, too!  I remember running back to the porch one snowy morning, jumping up (instead of using the steps), and finding my shin meeting the underside cement corner as my landing foot slid off in the snow.  I still have an indentation where my skin tore away to the bone, which was also chipped in the event.  No, let my butt sit down on a warm seat while I light a cigarette and am attacked by two attention seeking cats, instead of the outhouse ass freezing experience any day of the week!    



8)  ... Facebook.  Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook is tossing around a new idea.  Instead of using real names all the times, he thinks it might be time to allow some anonymity and allow users to create fake names.  After all, he’s been using one for years!  (Really, have you ever heard of anyone seriously named Zuckerberg?)  Of course, in using fake names, people wouldn’t have to be as aware of their need to exhibit some semblance of politeness and common sense.  In lieu of this, Facebook may announce a name change for the site if this takes place.  “Welcome to Assbook!”

9)  ... Credit Card Scammers.  The Better Business Bureau has announced that you need to search your credit card bill for small charges (in particular one for $9.84) that may not be valid.  It seems scammers that took Target and other companies for a ride a month ago are now hitting cards for small charges that may go unnoticed.  They figure “hit a million cards for $10 each and get $10 million dollars!”  So, if you see those charges, call your credit card company.  (Guys, clean up your act.  Those monthly porn site charges may now be discovered if your wife starts calling!)

... and next year, we're going to offer
a cooking course by Madonna
called "Emaciated."

10)  ... Rutgers University.  Would you believe that if your child attends Rutgers University, they now have the option of taking a class on Beyonce?  No joke.  The lady that started the stir at the Grammy’s by appearing semi nude now has a class dedicated to her.  It is being offered in the Department of Women’s and Gender Studies.  

I’m sorry, I can’t go on in a serious mode.  Here’s a lady that changes her name, uses her body and voice to get a recording contract and sell records, marries a rapper, and now has a class about her.  I’m searching to find any educational value in this whatsoever, and am sorry to say I can’t.  How many of you, your daughters, or grandchildren will follow this course in life?  Probably none!  So, why spend valuable college dollars on a course that has no benefit?  Oh, yeah, I forgot ... college football players are tired of phys ed degrees, so why not study a half naked chick dancing suggestively instead?  Variety is the spice of life!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Thus, another week’s journey into “Thankfulness” is complete.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go wait at an Interstate rest stop and look for Colorado license plates.  Do you think a Sheriff’s star badge from when I was a kid will suffice in allowing me to search their vehicle for drugs?  Hey, it’s worth a shot!

Ciao!

Twisted Mix-Tape Tuesday: So, your life is like a Country Song ... Shake It Off!!!

So, you're feeling down and out.  The world is your enemy and your underwear is crawling up your butt.  No one loves you, you're all alone, and we all would be better off if you just committed suicide.  God, you're pathetic!

Seriously, what's got you so down and out?  Don't you know that you don't have to keep the weight of the world's problems on your shoulders.  There's many others that think the world of you that want to help.  Why not give them a chance?

When we're alone, everything seems insurmountable.  Still, like I just said a minute ago, you're not alone.  Give us a chance to share your problems and talk things out.  

We're here for you!

Get out of the house a while.  Get outside and see the world around you.  People aren't hanging around feeling sorry for themselves.  They're getting out and getting busy doing things they love to do.  C'mon, let's go have some fun!

You're still having a hard time with this, aren't you?  Why do you insist on looking at only the bad things in life.  There's a multitude of beauty around you.  The sun, the grass, the birds, the neighbor's kids!  Well, let's forget about the kids. (They're ugly suckers, aren't they?)  Still, get off your butt and experience another side of life!

I don't know about you, but this is really helping me.  Yeah, you're the one with the problems and depression, and I'm the one feeling better.  

Damn it, I can't help it … I Feel Good!!!

Time for you to come out of your shell!  Shed the old and accept the new.  Forget the past and look to the future.  Use what you've learned to make the years ahead some of the best years of your life! 

Now you're getting it!  Smile a while!  Add a little zip to your step!  Swing those hips and arms and let the world see that nothing's gonna ever get you down again!!

By jove I think you've got it!  Keep it going!  You've only just begun!

By the way, now that you're feeling better, what got you down?  You've gained a little weight?  Where?  Don't you know it happens to just about everyone as you get older.  Don't worry about it at all.  I like it!

Awww, c'mon, why are you mad, again?

Ciao!

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Ten Things Of Thankful: Purgatory, Justin Bieber and Get Over It

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I have to be blunt.

(Like you'd expect anything 

else from me.)

I don't have any idea as to what I'm going to write about tonight.

(Like I ever do.)

But this is worse than usual.  

I think I'm brain dead. 

(I know, you're thinking, 

"What else is new?")

There are times one probably should just push the keyboard away and say, "The Hell with it!"

(This may be one of those times.)

I worked with a Methodist Pastor today.  He told me a few things about his denomination.  It started me thinking.

(OMG, that could be dangerous!)

I started coming up with all sorts of ridiculous questions and puns while dealing with him.  I wasn't being evil, but something inside of me just started up.  

I wondered:

1. When a Pastor converts followers, is it call pastorizing?
2. When a Methodist Pastor puts on his robe, does he still have clothes on underneath?  Or, does he just wear Jesus boxer shorts?
3. If being a Methodist is similar to being a Catholic (except for being married), are our kids safer there than with a Priest that isn't supposed to have sex, but does?

... just to name a few.

For some reason, I also started thinking about Purgatory.  I've never really thought about it before.  I have always known that it's there for those not ready to go up, but not bad enough to go down, but I never really considered what it would be like to be in Purgatory.

Then, I remembered twenty-three hours I spent in the Atlanta airport many years ago.  I'd missed flights thanks to engine problems in Orlando, and it was the day before Christmas.  (If you've never flown in stand-by status the day before Christmas, you've never experienced life.)  

"Welcome to Purgatory International,
your home until decisions are made!

Then it hit me, Purgatory would be like that airport on that day ... only longer!  Everyone would be pissed off that they'd missed connections and couldn't go anywhere.  People would scream and shout at the mindless clerks behind the ticket counters that could only repeat, "There'll be another flight before New Years, just keep your eyes on the connecting screens."  An exhausted wannabe flyer would fall asleep next to you and droop over on your shoulder, drooling.  The plastic waiting chairs would become chairs of torture as your tail sought solace in a cushion, so rarely found.  The sandwich stands, with their green ham and cheese would overcharge you without mercy and taunt you with pictures of food that was actually edible, but not found anywhere.  And, the endless numbers of parents, walking endlessly throughout the airport, seeking enough seats for all to sit, were numb to the screams of weariness and frustration of their spouses.  

God would be up above gauging how each person reacted to each situation.  He'd be checking his list like Santa Claus, finding out who is naughty and nice, and calculating vacancies in Heaven's low rent housing district.  He would supply an open seat every once in a while for a worthy traveler to finally arrive at their sought out destination.  And, for those unworthy, constant rows of toilets missing any semblance of toilet tissue.  Oh, I might add, for those thinking themselves crafty, God was one step ahead by ensuring the airport to run out of makeshift toilet tissue in the form of napkins at the food stands hours before.

Something tells me I need to clean up my act if I don't want to spend much time there.

(Either that, or stock up on toilet paper!)

So, today we get together and spread thanks ... that we're not in Purgatory ... yet!

Ten Things of Thankful again hits the streets running.  

"See Lizzi Run!  See Lizzi Run!  

See Spot chase Lizzi!  See Spot chase Lizzi!  

See the dog catcher chase Spot!  See the dog catcher chase Spot!  

Welcome to a new form of Purgatory!"

I'm Thankful For:

"And they even got me a red
jumpsuit because they said
it was my color!"

1)  ... Justin Bieber.  I've never been a fan of Justa Beaver, but his actions this week in Florida had be roaring with laughter.  First, he gets taken for $75,000 at a strip club, and then he gets arrested for resisting arrest, speeding, and D.U.I.   He's still being sued by his California neighbor for damages ensued by an egging that took place from Beaver's estate, and his former girlfriend is now telling everyone he has a drug problem.  

Sorry, no mercy for the Beaver!  Here's a kid that was lucky enough to get discovered, but has decided to make his own path by hanging out with rappers with criminal records.  What's the old expression?  Oh yeah, "You can tell a lot about a person by who they hang out with."  His "crowd" is obviously milking the Beav for as much cash as they can (since most of them are fairly unknown) and he's letting them do it!  "Sorry, Beav, it's time to grow up, find some new friends, and get yourself straight.  Otherwise, we'll see your picture soon on the Grammy's as an artist "no longer with us."   By the way, the Cleavers disowned you!

"See, even as a President's wife, I'm
much funnier than you ever were!"

2)  ... Jay Leno.  For years, I watched Johnny Carson religiously.  Night after night I laughed and cried with the man.  Then, Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show.  

For twenty years, I've avoided the Tonight Show.  Yes, I tried watching the man who couldn't tell a joke right a few times, but my patience grew weary very quickly.  Movies, sporting events, and recently, all 43 episodes of the Walking Dead have sufficed to sate my night time viewing needs.  Now, I understand Jay is leaving.  

"Jay, you've given so much to the Tonight Show.  Kind of like an epidemic of bad jokes, unconcerned conversations, and painful hugs to members of rock groups you couldn't stand to listen to.  Jay, please, don't let the door hit you on the way out!  It's the only thing you haven't ruined during your stay there!"  (Yeah, my heart is breaking, can't you tell?)

"Eenie, Meanie, Minie, Moe .... "

3)  ... Pain pills!  There are many types to choose from, but unlike a Colorado pot customer, I let my doctor do the choosing for me.  If something is not strong enough, I ask her for something that will really knock me on my butt.  Best of all, they're legal!!!  Combine them with a muscle relaxer or two and you've got yourself an evening of pure, mellow enjoyment.  Of course, I really do have pains to deal with in my neck and shoulder area, but I will admit to taking them once or twice because they really do make you feel so much better.  Of course, if you have some in the house you must be sure to keep them away from the kids.  (Let them get a pain and get their own!  There's only so much sacrificing a parent can do!)

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a
concoction that has all the abilities of a
modern laxative without having to be
purchased in a pharmacy!"

4)  ... Chili!  Is there anything any better than a hot, steaming bowl of chili on a cold Winter's day?  Absolutely not!   Hamburger, beans, elbow macaroni, onions, peppers, corn (Southwestern style), combined with all the right spices and a roll of Ritz Crackers, and you've got a meal fit for a King!  Cut up some Jalapeno peppers and hot onions, mix them together with a hair of water, and let them set in the fridge for two or three hours, and you’ve got the perfect mixture to add to the chili to get it to the temperature your stomach can handle without making you pay the next day!  (If you do overdo it, just make sure you’re not in Purgatory and have plenty of toilet tissue on hand!)

5)  ... Shoes.   It’s the ice and snow of Winter that really makes a person love shoes.  No, I’m not talking the “I’m gonna collect all the new styles” type of love, but simply the “Damn I’m glad I don’t have to go barefoot in that crap” type!

I know there are people who swear that they can walk on fire without hurting their feet.  “More power to them!”  My feet don’t like sand that's been sitting in the burning sun for hours, nor snow and ice, that’s sitting there just daring you to jump in barefoot!  Have you ever heard of someone sitting on the snow running their toes through it to cool them off?  HELL NO, YOU HAVEN’T!!!!  Even my wife, whose soles resemble Fred Flintstones’, wears something on her hooves feet in the Winter.  Sometimes, my feet get so cold I wish I had two pairs of shoes on!  That’s usually when I lay next to my wife and slowly put them on her backside.   (Gotta give it to her, even at her age, she’s still got some speed!)

6)  ... Basketball.  I know, you’re tired of hearing about how I love college basketball.  I’m afraid I have something to admit, it’s starting to get boring.  The kids are growing so big anymore that they fill up the court and don’t leave any room for maneuvering the ball.  So, to make the game more interesting, I recommend making the basketball twelve sided instead of round!  Think of how much fun dribbling would be.  One bounce and it’s a guessing game which direction it’s going!  They’d have to pass it so much more just to get it down the court to score, jump on it to stop it from going off in weird directions, and start wearing a little more padding to keep from getting all battered and bruised when they dived for it.  Wait a minute ... sounds kind of like football, doesn’t it?  Oh well, scratch number 6.

7)  ... Football.  (In particular, the Superbowl!)  So much hype over games that usually don’t live up to the praise and advertising they get.  It’s an excuse to get together with friends and enjoy a full day of hearing the same things said over and over, until the game starts and you get to see the same thing over and over.  Yeah, I’ll probably watch it just like you will.  If I didn’t, how else could I talk the next day about all the weird commercials that air?  (I’m wondering who what Go Daddy’s gonna show naked advertise this year?)

"I hate the way your perfume smells, too!
I just don't make you go outside
because I'm an adult and can adjust!"

8)  ... Outside Smoking Areas.  I’d like to personally thank all the politicians and bosses in the world that have decided smoker’s have to be put in the windiest and wettest places on Earth to smoke a cigarette.  OMG, to be seen smoking a cigarette would put such a stigma on an industry that they’d never recover!

Look, I understand that non smokers don’t want to smell our smoke.  So, here’s an option, I don’t blow my smoke in your face and you don’t blow your B.S. in mine!  Believe it or not, you’re not a superior creature because you don’t smoke, nor am I because I do.  Just remember, we’re all people in this world and you can’t be the only ones to have your way over and over again.  And, come up to me and tell me how dangerous smoking is to one’s health, and I’m likely to show you how dangerous degrading a smoker can be to yours!  

I don’t drink, but I don’t come up to you and tell you how bad your vomit smells when you do!  Nor do I complain about you always coming to work with a hangover.  Nor do I care about you wasting money drinking something you’re only going to throw up later!  In other words, “Get over it and shut the hell up!”  I promise, if you do that, I won’t flip a hot ash on the back of your sweater when you walk by!  

"Get Over It and Get A Life!!!"

9)  ... Offending People.  If I offended you in number 8, good.  What?  Yep, it’s good for you!  People are so uptight about being offended these days they’re pinching their ass cheeks so tight they’re gonna explode if they eat any chili!  Damn, people, it’s good to be offended!  It shows you have some personal feelings that don’t equal those of others.  It shows you still have some semblance of individual thought.  It shows you still have the guts to stand up for what you believe in even though everyone else may be against you!  It shows you’re not a damn cow that likes being herded like the rest of the politically correct crowd!

If we let the politically correct society rule us, we’ll all have scripts that have been okayed by the masses that we can speak to each other, and only the scripts.  We’ll all be wearing the same uniforms and walk or march in unison with each other so being out of step doesn’t offend anyone.  We’ll only have one television channel to view as we can only think one way and react only as society approves.

It’s time to stand up and quit being worried about being offended and toughen up your skin a little.  Grow some balls and remember you are important, too!  Don’t follow the herd. Think for yourself!

And, let’s get me a smoking area someplace where the chill factor isn’t 20 degrees below zero!

10)  ... Long Underwear.    Hey, you put me where it’s 20 below and what do you expect?  Sure, I look like I gained 15 lbs.  But, come outside and stand for ten minutes with me one day and we’ll see who’s the smart one!   Besides, it keeps one’s socks up amazingly well!


And, that’s it.  I had no idea where this was going an hour ago when I started it, and really don't see where it went once I did.  But, I have participated once again.  Lizzi is so happy.  She’s smiling!  Look, she’s coming to hug me for being a part of this once again!

See Lizzi Run!  See Lizzi Run!

Damn, I am in Purgatory!

Ciao!

Twisted Mix-Tape Tuesday: Dance Away ... Far Away ... No, Further!

See Other Great Mix-Tapes In This Hop HERE!!!!

I make no secret about it.  

For the most part, 

I don't like dance music. 

Oh, I can dance.  In fact, I've surprised many people with my ability.  In fact, many have commented about my ability to keep rhythm and such.  (Having been a drummer, keeping rhythm was my bag, so I've never considered it a big deal.)  So, I've been out on the dance floor, doing the whatever dance of the times, and having all conversation stifled by a beat so loud it makes no sense to anyone halfway intelligent.  

But, it's not something I enjoy doing. 

However, this is not about me.  No, this week's blog is dedicated to someone very special.  A young lady by the name of Kirsten Anne Kovaleski Piccini has just lost her brother.  He was a huge Dance music fan and even DJ'd some.  So, instead of concentrating on my likes and dislikes, I'm going to "suck it up" and use what knowledge I have to hopefully get his toes tapping on the clouds above.

The Disco Craze Years hit hard in the 70's, during the heyday of cocaine.  Please don't tell me you never knew that.  Coke freaks had to do something since they couldn't sleep, so discos held the crowds most of the night.  Here's a few of the biggies during those years.

One of the special ones used to entice guys to dance was this one.  Ladies would act it out like if the guy would dance with them, there might be a little something more for them as the evening progressed, along with their chances of a hot evening.  

It's the Andrea True Connection!

The Commodores were one of the big bands back then.  Here's one of their biggest dance hits, along with Lionel Richie in one hell of an Afro, "Brick House."

Mixing Classical Music with Dance Music didn't seem to make it most of the time, but Walter Murphy scored a real winner with this one, "A Fifth Of Beethoven."

Okay, so terrorism hadn't hit the U.S. back then.  If you were to bring this up in a club today, you'd have the CIA, FBI, NSA, and George Zimmerman coming after you.  Who can ignore the Gap Band and "You Dropped A Bomb On Me"?

And who could ever forget this one:

And, there was only one sickness you could admit to.  

At least only one when the Sylvers took the stage.

A one hit wonder of the day (or the predecessor to Dance Aerobics), The Silver Convention!

Studio 54 came and went, but Dance Music continued (as did coke freaks).  

In 1986, Cameo came out with "Word Up", and started everyone saying, "Word."  

Made no sense, but everyone did it.

And of course, there's always David Bowie!

Well, that's my journey into the land of dance.  I hope it makes you happy.  

I'm off to make a wish to return to my homeland.

Ciao!