Gabriela Speaks: Girls Night Out

I'm red faced embarrassed
over last week's blog!

"I'm Embarrassed!"

Last week, not a lot of you commented on my post, and some of the comments were really almost words of sympathy.  My face is red as I feel like I blew it big time.

So Does Rich!

In fact, Rich was totally ticked off at me.  I have to admit, it is his blog, and he has a reputation to protect (as bad as it may be, lol).  He was so mad, he told me I couldn't guest post anymore.  

I was crushed and will admit, I shed some tears in expressing my feelings towards his incommunicado attitude.  Heartbroken, I felt as though I'd let down all my fans!  

Yes, I broke down and cried and cried!  When the big softy saw my matted fur around my eyes, he finally relented and decided to give me one more chance.

"Oh, great God of pussycats, please don't let me mess this one up!"

So now, the pressure's on me.  I've got to stay PG rated (which dahrlings, is a real task for me) and still pull in the readers.  He must think I'm Garfield!  I'm actually finding a few white hairs in my beautiful black fur from all the stress.  (Janine, I think it's time for that hair color we talked about a couple of weeks ago!)

So, let's get started.  It may be my final walk down the pirate's plank, but at least I'll go down with my paws patting the keyboard!

First thing I want to bring up is this advertisement I just saw.  Look at this one here to the right!

OMG, when did Obama go bald?????

He looks like Whoppee without 
the dreadlocks and glasses!!!

MIchelle, girl, 

why didn't you buy some Rogaine for your man! 

You can afford it, girl!  Sell one of those dyed, burlap bag dresses you been wearin' to hide your big tail and get your man a prescription to bring back his hair!  

And, iffin' he shaved his head tryin' to look all cool, you tell him he ain't no ugly man tryin' anything to look good, like Steve Harvey (Since he shaved his hair off, all he needs is a derby hat and he'd look like that old, big headed Mr. Potatohead, lol). 

Obama needs to make himself look good again by growin' it back out!  I didn't vote for no bald headed, chrome domed President!  Put your hair back on, boy!  This mama's needin' to fantasize about those hot nights with the Prez in the Oval Office, again!

Okay, enough of that.  Any more, and I'm gonna get myself in trouble with Rich ... again!

Last week, Ruchira asked me ta talk this week about GNO.  Now, I searched all week long to study the topic, but honey, there ain't a lot on the web about Gross Nose Obesity.  I guess we could pull up a picture a picture of Steve Harvey and stare at his nozola for a while, but y'all would start feelin' nauseated quick.

I added it anyway! lol
Steve Harvey
Licensed under the 
Creative Commons 
Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic

Then, Rich tells me that GNO means "Girls Night Out", not "Gross Nose Obesity."  (Like I'm supposed to know that on my own.)  

So, Ruchira, let's talk about it!


.......................................................

I'm waitin' girl!  Start talkin'!


......................................................

Girls, let me get all your
money so Geraldo and I
can enjoy our evening!

Oh well, Ruchira, iffin' you ain't gonna say anything, Rich's wife, Millie (And you think Gabriela is a weird name!  Can't you hear her mom when she was young, "Mildred, where are you Mildred?"  lololol), has told me about all the good times she had when Rich was out on the road doing comedy.  (And he thought she stayed home with the kids!)  So, I guess I'll discuss some of the things she's told me.

First off, she says her and her girlfriends used to go watch these Chippendale guys dance and strip on stage.  I say, "Girl, what's the big deal about goin' and watchin' men dance, when you know they're going home with men when they're done?"

Give me a real hetero man!  I like me a Tom cat that's lookin' at me and sayin', "Hey girl, you got the bootie I'm after", instead of, "Yeah, yours is okay, but Geraldo's booty is much tighter!"

Ooops!  Sorry!  Gotta be careful.  

Almost went PG-13 there!

Girls, I want a Tom that looks good, and likes knowin' I'm lookin' at him as much as he's lookin' at me.  But you humans, well, y'all are different.  Where cats don't mind "cattin' around" and checkin' out the different dudes, you humans stick with only one mate ... most of the time!  How stale that must get!

Who the Hell Are You!
I asked for Max!

With that being the case, I guess you feel safe in knowin' the dancers aren't lookin' for anything when they get done doing their dancing.  You can sit there, stuff their jock straps full of dollar bills, get drunk, make jokes about the hubby and kids, cry a little, and finally decide who can afford a lawyer before figuring out who the designated driver is going to be.  

Boring!  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

You might as well stay at home and watch 

Dancing With the Stars!  

"Go Max ... Go Max!!!"

I remember how it used to be before the "Mommy" phase of life happened!

I'd go out, strolling the block.  I'd be whippin' my tail from side to side, makin' sure all the Tom's had a good view.  Then, I'd check out all the different Tom's on the block, and go to the next to do the same.  

I'd be drivin' them crazy!

This mama had the motion to move the notion of the ocean!

Then, when I found a Tom worthy of my attention (not one of those damn alley cats that didn't care about you), I'd fluff up my tail real big ... real big!   

Honey, that Tom's eyes would bulge out and he'd be sniffing the air to find out if I was just lookin', or ready to get to cookin'!   That's when the chase would begin!

After that ... well, after that a girl's gotta keep some secrets to keep her reputation in tact.  

We all had those wild days once.  Now, we sit around let ourselves be tamed, taking life easy and eating Little Friskies ... or whatever.  (I can't believe y'all don't like Little Friskies!  You really ought to give them a try sometime.)

So, who's driving home?

And "Girls Night Out", well, it's something we do just to get away and remind us that we're not dead inside.  We look at safe men because we know we don't trust ourselves to look at normal ones.  There's still some feelings inside that we have to watch and control.  The need to be free.  The need to experience more of life.  The need to show that we're not just tame house cats with no yearnings or desires.  

In other words, the need to "cat around" 
... just a little!

Yet, we look to our friends to keep us from going that extra mile that will get us in trouble.  The act that would jeopardize losing all we have, including those we love the most.  Those friends with whom we share our hearts and trust to help us keep from doing something stupid.  

With these friends we share our "Girls Night Out."  We can keep each other safe, have our fun, and then go home where we hug our families, and feel the warmth of the security and love they offer.

Unless you're a cat.  Then, you just gotta party!!! 

Yeehaw!!!

Take care, y'all!

"Liebster Award" ... or, "How To Ruin A Friendship"

"That's Life ... Sometimes" has been awarded another blogging award!  

The Liebster Award!

I don't really know what it's all about, but I'll take it.  I'm not proud.  

There seems to be a few of these different awards floating around "bloggerland."  They float around aimlessly, silently waiting to drift down on some poor, overworked soul that is in need of an ego boost.

Watch out!  There goes another one!

Usually, they arrive with a glaring notification or what they're about.  The last two I've received haven't.  I think I'm in award leftover land.  Something to pass on so it doesn't spoil and you have to toss it out (or feed it to the cats).  

"Here Faletame and Gabriela ... din din time!  Got something really good tonight!"

"Hey Rich, if you wouldn't eat that stuff, why would you expect us to?  

Just shut up and pull out the Little Friskies!"

Anyone out there that would like a couple of cats?

Getting back to this magnificent award, I was handcuffed, er, awarded this by

 Jennifer at JenJen's Soapbox of Paradies.

(So Now You know who to blame!)

Jennifer is my clone.  She also tends to be very sarcastic witty in her writing while tending to bring smiles to the faces of the readers.  (No, damnit!  She doesn't pose nude!  You do have a dirty mind, don't you!) She's quickly becoming my sister from another mother (unless she's had an operation to make her my brother from another mother).  

"Just take the steroids and try to sound like a growling rabbit, Jennifer.  

The doctor promises it won't take much longer."

If you have yet to visit her blog you need to get your tail over there as soon as you finish this one.  I sincerely believe you'll enjoy yourself there, especially if you take along a hula hoop to give you something to do!

God, this is going to be a long blog, today!

Anyway, there are rules to accepting this award.  (Who would've guessed, duh?)  I'm going to copy and paste them here because I truly am a lazy SOB at times.

• List 11 random facts about yourself.
• Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, then create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
• Choose 11 new bloggers (who have less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.
• Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
• No tag backs!!

I really don't know if I'm familiar with 11 new bloggers with less than 200 followers.  I didn't know this was going to be a research paper.  Damn, I never should have taken those three Hydrocodon pills to watch the Beyonce special tonight on HBO!  (Boy, was that a disappointment!  I thought it was going to be a concert and it was a documentary.  What a waste of good medication!)

In addition, I've got to come up with 11 random facts about me, answer 11 questions, and then come up with the 11 bloggers to award the Leibster!  (Holding your breath hoping that I don't choose you, aren't you?)  I think this award is all about endurance and creativity.  Of course, they should have known better than to ask me to come up with questions (muhahahahaha).

So, as if you were in the least bit interested, here are my 11 random facts that the Queen of Torture kind Jennifer asked me to provide:

1. I am an avid college basketball fan, especially for my college Indiana University.  Fair weather fan I'm not, as I have the last five years of televised games recorded on DVD so I can watch them in the off season.  Even during their "bad" years, I watched every game and recorded them.  Now that they're currently #1 in the nation, it makes it all worthwhile.  I guess addict might describe it better.
2. I believe this life is punishment for an earlier one, in which I was a pretty nasty character.  I can hit a tin can with a pistol 8 out of 10 times if I shoot at it from the hip, and felt a kinship with the desert of Arizona when I visited it, so gunslinger comes to mind.  Probably not on the side of the Earps, for sure.
3. At one time, thought I'd end up being a criminal psychologist.  Then, it hit me that mind science practices are based on theory and minimal studies.  Visited a maximum security prison once and was ready to leave the second they shut the entrance bars behind me.  (Hmmm, I wonder if the Earps put me in jail at one time?)
4. While doing stand-up comedy, I learned why most celebrity marriages fail.  Temptations are everywhere!  (That's as far as I'm going with that one.)
5. I love to poke fun, but I draw the line at being mean.  Sometimes the line is very, very gray, but I still try to stay on this side of it.  Never will I make fun of a blogger's work (in public) or characters, as they are a part of that writer.  I want to make people smile and be happy, not frown and be pissed off.  
6. I'm one of the world's best procrastinators, especially when it's something I don't want to do.  I've needed to pursue learning SEO and all that crap that brings in readers for ages.  Terrye Toombs, a better friend than I deserve, has been on my case about it as she's attempted to help me so many times it's ridiculous.  I think I procrastinate in this arena because I just want to write what comes to mind, and that doesn't usually include Google, SEO's, or any marketing stuff.  I told her a week or so ago I was going to get busy on it.  Maybe tomorrow ....
7. My only fear (besides outliving my wife) is being attacked while asleep.  I usually sleep extremely deep since I only do it for three to four hours a night.  There's something about waking up to someone trying to do harm to me that bugs me.  I guess because I haven't figured out how to overcome that fear, yet.
8. If I had to be a monster, I would choose to be a vampire.  I love the night and really could care less about the day.  Plus, the mind control, speed factors, and eternal life parts are kind of tempting.  Two problems though:  1) I couldn't drink my Diet Cokes, to which I'm hopelessly addicted (What would I brush my teeth with then?), and 2) I'm Italian and love a lot of garlic in my food!  (Sorry if my breath offends you ... not!)
9. When I first started in radio, it was at a campus station at Indiana University.  We picked our own music there, and tried to be somewhat different than what commercial radio was playing.  My first night alone, I played James Taylor's live version of "Steamroller" that included the word "motherfu__in'", and Maxine Seller's "Another Train Song" that went, "...and I walked up to this woman and I said, honey, I fu__ed your man!"   Whatta way to start a career!
10. I am an avid James Bond movie fan.  So much so, I even read the more descriptive books when they came out in the 60's.  (No, not just for the hot parts!)
11. I've actually had thoughts of how I could help out so many blogger friends if I were win the Powerball Jackpot.  There's some that cash would aid, others that a website that really promoted them properly would assist, and some that just need a fresh start with life.  I'm old, and would, of course, supply my family first, but one can never forget his friends, especially those that put up with an ass such as myself!  Plus, I might get one or two to read my blogs!

Okay, that's it!  Eleven facts completed.  Now, for the eleven questions I've been asked:

1. How many children do you have?  None that will claim me.
2. What is your favorite pastime?  Answering questions.  Can't you tell?
3. If you could win a vacation to any destination of your choice, where would you go?   Someplace where I wouldn't have to answer eleven questions.
4. Have you ever been to jail? If so, what for?  Never charged with anything illegal.  Shows you how smart I was for many years, lol.   (Although I was brought in for questioning concerning threats to those who asked me questions, once.)
5. What is your biggest fear?  Answering Questions (Besides, I already answered this above
6. What state do you live in?   A state of constantly answering questions.
7. If you could be president for the day, what would you change in our government?  All members of Congress would be limited to two terms in office with no continuing lifetime benefits.  No question!
8. What is your best success?  Remaining civil while answering questions.
9. If you could live life over again, what would you do differently?  Never answer questions.
10. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?  Being asked to answer questions in public.
11. Do you have any pets? If so, what kind and how many?  My pets have me instead. I'm harmless, housebroken, and I never hump anyone's leg.  

Now, only one more thing to do.  Award this Leibster Award to 11 others so that they can bare their souls and type their fingers to the bone.  Remember, I'm not the guilty party here.  Why do you all think I gave you the link to Jennifer's blog?   (muhahahahaha!)

Here's my list:

1. Michael at "The Insane Asylum"
2. Sherry at "Pondered Primed Perfected"
3. Tamra at "Misadventures of Flori and Tam"
4. Melissa at "Daughter of Maat"
5. Gina at "The Life I Live ... So You Don't Have To"
6. Vikki at "Laugh Lines"
7. Danielle at "Martinis and Minivans"
8. Chris at "I Work Off The Clock"
9. Rachel at "Rambling Amazon"
10. Clark at "The Wakefield Doctrine"
11. Gene at "The Musings Of A Wise Witch, Yet Foolish Man"

So now it's up to you folks.  Carry on this advantageous award and fulfill your destiny (or possibly gain some more followers), or lie in hiding and await the fate of the undead.  

Here are your questions:

1. If Rosanne Barr married Tom Cruise, what would they name their puppy?
2. What television program displays the least amount of intelligence week after week?
3. If you had a house with all four sides facing South, and looked out the window, what color of bear would you see?
4. If you had your life to live over, what one thing would you do differently?
5. Did you ever want to be a fireman?
6. What did Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison have in common with Bill Clinton?
7. If the horse knew the way to carry the sleigh, why did he pull it?
8. If you had a boat that could only go one direction, where would you end up at?
9. If Al Capone had been Hispanic, would Al Pacino still have been chosen for the movie Scarface?
10. What is your favorite 4 hour erection commercial?
11. If you only had one wish, what would it be?  (*World Peace answer is void unless you're a beauty contestant.)

That's it!

As this college term paper is now over, so is my time discussing the Liebster.  No tag backs means I'm out of the running from this point on!  My cat Gabriela needs the computer to write her Monday blog, so have fun!

FTSF: Oh how I hate.....

It's Friday again!

(As if you didn't know it.)

That means that it must be "Finish The Sentence Friday" ... again!

The choir is singing, 

"Hallelujah!,  Hallelujah! 

Finish the sentence Friday!  Hallelujah!"

Hallelujah!!!!

Fireworks are now blasting in the sky above!  The birds are gleefully chirping in unison! Squirrels are bouncing from tree limb to tree limb chattering their voices in cheerful sounds of nonsense!  Alvin & the Chipmunks are singing "Celebrate" as Kool & the Gang never could,  Sister Sledge has reunited for another version of "We Are Family", and Gloria Gaynor belts out "I Will Survive!"

(If I were to be so lucky.  I hated disco!)

"Celebrate Good Times, Come On!"

Disco music provided the same beat ... over and over and over again.  It was the forerunner to today's techno, and pop dance music, in that it was formulated by record producers instead of true musical artists.  Never did a song have deep meaning, as that would've been too much to handle for the brainless, cocaine snorting crowd that visited the disco establishments.  Some called disco "feel good" music.  Most, with brains, called it monotonous.  

The meaning of some popular songs of the era:

1. KC & The Sunshine Band - "I'm Your Boogie Man"  (I love stalking. Don't you wish everybody did?)
2. The Miracles - "Love Machine"  (The 70's Playa's national anthem.  Ego's reign supreme for those that didn't have relationship building capabilities.)
3. Andrea True Connection - "More More More"  (The female retort for those touting "Love Machine" inadequacies.)
4. The Village People - "Macho Man"  (Proof that you didn't have to be hetero to be macho.  Boy, did the word "macho" ever take a nose dive after these guys came out of the closet!)
5. Donna Summer  -  "Last Dance"  (I know your cocaine's going full blast but the club's closing and it's time to get your tail home!)
6. A Taste Of Honey - "Boogie Oogie Oogie"  (Who the hell knows!!!!)

How did I ever get on that topic?  

This is supposed to be about "Finish The Sentence Friday!"

Today's hostesses for this magnificent event that only comes around so rarely once a week are:

Janine at Janine's Confessions Of A Mommyholic

Kate at Kates Can I Get Another Bottle Of Whine

Stephanie at Stephanie's Mommy For Real

Dawn At Dawn's Disaster

The gist of this event is to finish a sentence or topic they provide with the deepest, most secret thoughts.  These will then be scrutinized by the head examiners at the University of Moscow in downtown Brewton, Alabama, and used to increase the fertility of male laboratory monkeys, as if they needed an increase in fertility.

Today's sentence, of which we are to complete, is:

"I get so frustrated when..."

(Sounds like a fun filled day of sunshine and blue sky topics will follow!  Oh well, 

I guess everyone needs a day 

to bitch a little.)

So, let's get started!

I get so frustrated when I see the stupidity and incompetence in today's society!

No, this isn't another old person sitting on their butt talking about the "I remember when" days.  (Although I am an old person sitting on my butt, hmmm.)  This is just observing what society has come to be.  

• Political Correctness laws have replaced manners!   Somewhere along the way, parents stopped teaching their kids manners.  I think it was somewhere in between Nixon and Rap Music.  We obviously have many that don't know when to keep their mouths shut, and what not to talk about.  So, the our of work lawyer surplus figured out that they could reap huge benefits by suing these people.  In doing so, legislatures decided that they could propose legal bills and amendments to guarantee no one would have the ability to speak their minds and develop individuality.  So, as the decades have passed, we are closer than ever to becoming Devo clones.  (No, Devo wasn't disco music!)  Phrases such as "Thank You", "You're Welcome", "Excuse Me", and "Please" are no longer necessary, or a viable part of humanity.  Our culture has reverted to the days of cavemen and clubs, now call "deadly weapons".   I guess even civilization goes in circles.  

• Employment Opportunities are now decided by those that have never done the jobs!  Believe it or not, people were once chosen to fill positions by those that knew what the position was all about.  Now, individuals that have never performed any of the position's responsibilities are choosing who can best do them.  This follows the theme of democracy, in that the people choose the leaders of the land by elections based on popularity and who can tell lies the best without getting caught.  So, in essence it is the American way.  Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but to challenge it is obviously to criticize the United States!  Perhaps that explains why we're in the fix we're in these days!

• The Poor expect the The Rich Politicians to represent them!  Since when have the rich ever worked in the best interest of the poor?  Never!  It is the goal of the rich to become richer.  That's it!  No postscripts!  Once you have money, you simply want more and more of it.  So what if the people are suffering?  You're not and don't ever plan on it!  That's why political campaigns have become something only the rich can afford.  As long as the corporate leaders can keep it this way, inept CEO's, traitorous corporations that move overseas (cutting American jobs but still selling products to Americans), and the political players will continue to watch each other's backs, and put a knife in the backs of those "lower income level" individuals. 

• The "Race Card" is still being used!  I'm sorry, but in the 60's I marched for civil rights.  It's been a long time since then and many have proven that you can make it in society regardless of what color you are.  I have no mercy for a 16 year old that has three kids, screaming she can't get a job because she's one color or the other.  Neither do I have compassion for a drug dealer being sent to prison because he only did what he did because he came from a broken household.  You're in the position you're in because of the decisions you made.  If you screwed up, admit it, get your act together, and stop expecting support from everyone else!  I don't care if you're white, black, red, yellow, green, purple or tangerine ... quit your bitching, take personal accountability for your life, and make something of yourself!  (That way, you can help to support me in a few years and keep Social Security going!)

• Parents bitch about others doing the job they won't!   I have a lot of love for teaching.  Yet, I know that the teachers of today have it extremely difficult dealing with the kids.  Years ago, you'd be sent to the Principal's office and get your tail whacked with a wooden paddle when you did something wrong.  Nowadays, the teacher is suspended if they even look at the child wrong.  Parents have become so stupid that they won't teach their children right from wrong, and have limited a teacher's ability to also do that.  Yet, society wonders when kids pick up a gun and go on a shooting spree.  We have a group of youngsters that have been raised without guidance, and we're wondering what's wrong with them.  Perhaps, we should be looking in a mirror, asking ourselves why we didn't do our jobs as parents, and again, start taking personal accountability.  Of course, that would mean admitting we weren't perfect.  Oh my God, how could we ever do that?

Okay, that was the serious stuff.  Now, here are the Top Fifteen frustrations I deal with:

1. Hair on a restaurant hamburger.
2. Coke machines that distribute cans with such force they explode in your face when opened.
3. Dumbass semi drivers going 65 mph that pull out in front of your 75 mph car, on the interstate, to pass another semi going 64 mph ... up a hill.
4. Restaurant drive-thru workers that don't know how to say "Thank You!"
5. Promos for future programming on the TV screen as you're trying to watch a program.
6. Cashiers that couldn't count change back if they had to.
7. Customer service reps with foreign accents telling you their name is Charlie.
8. Stupid people that blame inanimate objects for the acts of stupid people.
9. Grits on a breakfast plate.
10. Neighbor's rap music at 2 a.m.
11. Waxy, non absorbent, public restroom toilet tissue.
12. Dog owners that use parking lots to let their dogs urinate on every one's tires.
13. New movies that only copy old ones.
14. Commercials that warn of four hour erections.    
15. Resealable packages for single serving food items.

Of course, we're always going to have to deal with minor frustrations in our daily lives.  Perhaps, in the afterlife, some of us will even have to deal with high temperature issues, heat irritations, and dry skin.  It will give us something to complain about.  

That's what makes us happy!  Right?

Gabriela's Mommy Blog: Men - O - Pause

(Gimme a hip hop beat)

1-2-3-4, 

Gabriela's at the door!

Mon-Day-Ay, 

Mon-Day-Ay

When I have my time

to Say-Ay, 

to Say-Ay.

I'm the cat with the most, 

jam 'n butter on the toast,

no big brag or mommy boast, 

I be the baddest cat host.

I tell it like it is, 

don't hold back on the fizz,

Lay it straight on the line, 

cuz I'm bold but so fine!

Say Yeah-ah!   "Yeah-ah!"

Say Yeah-ah!  "Yeah-ah!"

Put ya hands in the air-ah, Way up in the air-ah!

Say Ga-Bri-El-A!   "Ga  -  Bri   -  El   -   A!"

Yo it's Ga  - Bri  -  El  -  A!

GABRIELA !!!

"Hi Y'all!"

Girls, I gotta thank you!  Rich had absolutely no chance to turn me down with the way y'all commented last week!  Oh my gosh, support me you did!  I got almost as many comments as Rich does on his blogs.  (Of course, that's not sayin' much!  lol)

The ladies have spoken!  It's Girl Power puttin' down the man!   Mommies Rule!

So, at least for a while, Mondays will definitely be my day here on Rich's blog.  My little paws will be pounding the keys on subjects that some mommies need to know, and other mommies just Want to know!  Coz, darhin's, I do know!  And, I'm gonna do my best to help y'all out!

Today's topic, as promised, is 

I know how to get what
I want ... do you?

MEN - O - PAUSE

Girls, have you ever wanted somethin' real bad?  I mean, so bad that you get that squishy feelin' inside, kinda like you gotta go take a pee, but you're in a public place and really don't wanna sit down where that dirty, ugly, fat, one toothed lady from the trailer park reject center just got up from?   I mean, you want it so bad that it hurts, but you know your hubby is plannin' on buyin' that useless tool for the garage or that video game that will pretend is for the kids!

Girls, that's when it's time for 

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

This is all about what our mamas should have been teachin' us since we were old enough to know what shakin' and bakin' it does to a man!  I call it P.O.P. (The Power Of Pussycat)!  You can call it whatever you want!  Truth is, the only girl that doesn't get what she wants is one that's too shy to give it a try!  

"So, how do we get what we want? "

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

Get the headache pills ready and set the bottle out.  

No matter how much they beg, make 'em scream, make 'em shout.

Flaunt what cha got, put on a real show,

But when they ask for mo', tell 'em no, no, no!

Lke that DVD y'all were watchin' the other night, just when it gets to a good part, grab the remote control, and put it on pause.  Make him wait! Take your time in the kitchen, gettin' somethin' you want to munch on, and then come back, sit down, and say, 

"Oh, did you want somethin' too?"

Now, not only have you ticked him off by makin' him wait, but he's gettin' nothin' for waiting!  Oh, dahrlings, there's nothin' like nothin' to get a man to do somethin'!  

So, cut him off!  Take away his 

"Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am" 

and replace it with

"Scram!"

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

Not tonight honey, I ...

Now, a couple of nights later, after you've used up the Top Ten typical excuses:

1. I have a headache.
2. I feel bloated.
3. I'm worried about my friend.  I think her husband's coming out of the closet.
4. I think I might have a yeast infection.
5. I found porn site history on the computer again.  Do you think the kids are looking at it, or are you?
6. I'm so depressed.
7. I can't stop thinking about my mother.
8. I'm feeling a little itchy down there:   A.)  You haven't been messing around somewhere else, have you?    B.)  I hope I didn't catch something crawly from Wal-Mart's bathroom!
9. I hear something outside the window.  A.)  Why don't you go check it out?        B.)  Do you think it could be the new girl from your office?
10. I hope your nose is stopped up, because I really have gas tonight.  

It's time to lay it all on the line.  

Fix him somethin' good to eat for dinner ... oysters or somethin' that'll give him a hint as to what he could be in store for later on.  Then, get into that special little teddy he loves and sit close to him on the couch after you put the kids away for the evening.  Kiss his neck a few times, warm up your hands in his crotch, and say, 

I'm always here if he says, 
"NO!"

"I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight.  Do I need to get fresh batteries, 

or are you going to join me?"

(*One word of warning, never say this in the last five minutes of a basketball or football game.  Have some patience and wait until it's over.  Otherwise, you've only got a fifty/ fifty chance of getting him to come along so you can score!)

Honey, that damn Energizer Bunny can't move as fast as your man will!  

So, you've got him in bed.  Now, after kissing a couple of minutes (or, seconds if you're still young) say,  "Oh, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."

MEN - O - PAUSE  !!!!!!

"I know you've been wanting that new tool for the garage workshop, but I found a really nice _____ that I haven't been able to get off of my mind the last few days.  I was going to ask for it for (my birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas), but it's on sale right now.  Do you think I might be able to go ahead and save us money and get it?"

Now, two things can happen.  Your flow chart from here depends on the answer you receive.

1)  If you get any type of positive acknowledgement  (verbal "yes", grunt, or head shake), you've got your way and can give him what he wants (if you want to, as it really doesn't matter now since he's said, "Yes.").  
2)  If he's going to play "I'm a selfish bastard" and says, "No", or gives you any type of static, you know what time it is!

MEN - O - PAUSE   !!!!!!

("Honey, I can say "No" too!")

Girls, you're gonna get what you want!  I promise you!  As long as your hubby is still in love with you and horny, he's gonna give you what you want so he can get what he wants ... you!  That's just the way it is!

And, if he doesn't, chances are he's messin' around on you and gettin' it someplace else!  Then, you're still gonna get what you want.  

You just have to have a little patience while the lawyers work out all the details!  

Did you see me perform
at the Super Bowl?   lol

Once again, it's

MEN - O - PAUSE  !!!!!

Now, I know most of you have been pro's at this stuff for a while.  But there's always one or two of you wondering why your neighbor's husband always buys her stuff, and you never get anything.  This has been for you.  

And I know a few of you probably thought I was gonna be talkin' about menopause, or the change of life thing.  I ain't old enough to be an expert on that, so, either ask your mama, or take a little time and ask Rich.

"Rich?"

Honey, ain't no one can tell you better about menopause than a man whose wife has been through it!   I hear tell it's like daily PMS for three to four years!  Now you know why he played around with venomous snakes for so long ?  It was safer!

See y'all next week!

***Girls ... please let me know what topics you'd like for me to talk about.  There's nothin' worse than me just chattin' away at somethin' you don't want to hear.  That's like listenin' to your husband or boyfriend yak yak yak all night!  So, list some topics in the comments below!  

Or, if you'd like some advice, just say, "Gabriela, I need help .... "  

I'll do my best to cover it the following Monday!

Also, tell me about how you use MEN - O - PAUSE in your home if it's any different than mine.  I'd love to learn new secrets!

I got laundry to fold and put away!
Y'all write me some comments and I'll get to 'em tonight!
Thanks, Y'all!